Friday, July 10, 2009

I'm about to rant about something completely pointless

Just thought I'd warn you.

You know what really gets up my goat?
Ok, first of all, it's that expression. "Gets up my goat". What does that even mean? I mean, I know what it means, but who came up with it? It's completely ridiculous. I've been sitting here thinking about it for the past 15 minutes, and I still can't figure it out. What is a goat? Is it part of the human anatomy, or are they talking about an actual goat? And if its the latter, am I even allowed to say it? Because, you know, I don't HAVE a goat.
A dog, yes.
A cat, yes.
A goat?
You know what? Whatever. That's not what I was going to rant about anyway - I was going to rant about how stupid White Wings cake mixes are.
They are!
They are stupid! Delicious but stupid. Because ok, today was the one day I've had at home this week, right? So I decided to have myself a little bake-a-thon. Mainly because I felt like eating cake, but also because I love the word bake-a-thon. Luckily, my Mum went shopping yesterday and bought these two White Wings mini cupcake mixes, one strawberry and one chocolate.
Well, I mean.
I thought it was lucky, until I discovered how stupid White Wings cake mixes are. Now I think maybe it was the worst grocery-related decision my mother has ever made. Apart from the time she bought these Smiths red rock deli imitation chips that were trying really hard to be sweet chili flavoured, but actually just tasted like vomit. But that's another story.
Anyway, where was I?
Oh, right. Here's why White Wings can suck my White Ass:
First of all, the box says the ingredients will make 18 cupcakes. That's fine. That's great. Except they give you 21 patty pans. 21. It's true - I counted them. Why would they give you 21 patty pans, and only enough mixture to fill 18? It's just wrong. It's just cruel. You're either left with 3 sad empty patty pans at the end, or (if you attempt to fill all of them) the cupcakes are all runty and small. Which would be ok, except that these cupcakes are ALREADY mini. If you make them any smaller, they pretty much don't exist!
Ok and you know what else? The icing. The icing is - there's no other way to say it - COMPLETELY INFURIATING. It won't spread! It just kept sticking to the fracking knife! At first I thought maybe there was something wrong with the knife, but you know what? There wasn't! Because I changed the knife. TWICE! It's the icing. The icing, I tell you! It took me like 10 minutes to finish each cupcake - 10 minutes per cupcake, and there were 18 cupcakes.
I felt like I was taking crazy pills!
Oh, but the torture didn't end there - because after I spread (or, at least attempted to spread) the icing, I had to put the sprinkles on. Which I thought would be easy and fun and exciting and about a thousand other things like that, but of course it wasn't. I'm not going to go into it (because I risk having a coronary), let's just say that more sprinkles made it around the kitchen, onto the floor and into the sink, the bin, the dog's mouth and my hair than on the actual cupcakes themselves.
There. That's it. I hope you all boycott White Wings from now on.
And now I'm going to stop talking about this, because I think I've embarrassed myself enough for one day.

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