Saturday, August 08, 2009

The Adventures of Pig the Sloth

My goodness it's been a while since I blogged.
On the off chance that you've all forgotten just how insane I can be, I've found a little something that might remind you:
The other day I was rifling through all my old school work, looking for one of those plastic sleeve folders. You know, the kind you used to put assignments and stuff in? Well I needed one for my college patternmaking assessment, and since I'm too lazy/cheap to actually buy a new one, I figured I'd just take the school work out of an old one and reuse it.
Oh, and when I say 'old one', I really mean 'old one'. Like, really old. Really, REALLY old. It was so old, half the binder rings had snapped off, and the pages were stuck together with cobwebs. I think it was second hand the FIRST time I used it. Like, I think it was the folder that Abraham Lincoln used in high school.
Anyway, I don't know what Abe used it for, but I had a Year 7 art project in there. Oh, and something else...I don't know when or why or how this got in there, but alongside my finger paintings and scraffito art, I found a story written by myself, Kiera Roberts and Julia Hirst, aged 12.
Oh, my gosh. Yeah.
You know when you're little and you play that game where you write like 4 lines of a story and then fold the page over, and pass it to your friend, and they continue it, without looking at what you've already written?
Yeah. Yeah. It was one of those.

Ok, I hadn't even READ the thing yet and I was already excited. Those stories always end up being hilarious - even the ones that aren't written by three of the weirdest pre-teens to have ever graced the planet.
Okay, now. Since I've talked it up, I'm going to have to show you. For the sake of illustrating just who wrote what, I'll use this font for Kiera, this for Julia, and this for myself.
And here we go:

The Adventures of Pig the Sloth, by Kiera, Julia and Jacki
There once was a little sloth called Pig. Pig the Sloth loved eating and sleeping. He would get up in the morning, eat, sleep, have lunch, go back to sleep and eat. But one day, he decided to find out why he was called Pig the Sloth, not Sloth the Sloth or Pig the Pig.
He was called this because one night there was the moon, the stars, the milk, oh the milk, so much milk. Anyway, this resulted in his parents almost being the same age as him. So the only word they knew was 'Pig'. So they called him Pig. This made him sad, so he...
...jumped into a toilet and then he flushed. Pig died right then, or was it right now??? 'Oh well' he thought as he floated up to heaven. Then he got smushed by a plane, and then he died, but he had already died, so he double-died. That's bad.
Pig was sad because he was the only person or pig or sloth to double-die, but no one knew it, so he cried and in Timbuktu it started to rain. 'Ooooh!' said Mr Bob. 'I like rain!'
Webell came from nowhere and asked 'Do you want pie? HAVE PIE!'.
Pig was confused.
Pig was so confused that he died. But he had already died twice, so he triple-died. That's really bad.
Pig turned into a spasm-weirdo and started having spasms, muttering 'Pig, Sloth, Dead, Dead again, ooooh rain in Timbuktu lalalalala'. He went and joined spasm-watchers with Bobette, his spasmy teacher.
Yay! Go Pig Sloth! Everyone cried, and he started to go into a trance.
He went into a trance, and then fell into the Bible. Then he got killed by Jeeeebus.
But Jeeeebus wasn't actually in the Bible, so then he got confused and ran to the Spasm-Watchers Handbook, where 4 x dead Pigs and Bobs and Mrs Teachers and him all started partying.

The End.

It's probably not surprising that until mid-way through year 8, the only friends we had were each other. And Mel - she might have escaped the embarrassment of being involved in the writing of this story, but she was just as crazy as the rest of us. Is just as crazy as the rest of us.
Or whatever. The point is...well, there is no point. Really, is there ever a point?


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