And thats all she wrote, for now

Since its now less than 24 hours til i jet away for 5 months, i thought id give you guys one last blog to tide you over until i find a functioning computer.
and what better blog to do on my last day in sydney than another embarrassing moment?
So.
The story begins.
Its a sunday afternoon, and i decide, for once in my life, to exercise.
AND to take Oscar with me.
which may not seem like such a big deal, but anyone who has met my dog knows that its probably not a good idea to try and force him to go for a walk anywhere, on account of the fact that he is morbidly obese and farts every 16 seconds.
Nevertheless, i decided to take him with me.
Everything was going great until about 15 minutes into my walk, when i realised that i had left the house without putting a bra on.
woops.
so now what do i do?
i cant keep walking, because its the peak dog-walking-season in Longueville, and a wall of middle aged women with miniature poodles are bearing down on me.
and i cant run home to change because, well, im a girl, and what self respecting girl would run 2km with no bra on?
sigh.
eventually i decided to brave the army of dogwalkers.
and this time i dont think i imagined every single one of them looking at me weirdly.

and thats all ill write.
for now.
au revoir!!!

top ten

The top ten things you NEVER want your mother to find out about

10. The time you fed the dog half a bag of marshmallows and a piece of chicken schnitzel.

9. Your last monthly phone bill

8. The time you used her computer to download 32 episodes of Bones

7. The impressions you do of her where she sounds like a cross between Marge Simpson and Kitty Forman from That 70’s Show

6. The time you spilled half a bottle of pink nail polish on your bed

5. The second tattoo

4. The third tattoo

3. The fact that you couldn’t remember the name of the fourth Beatle

2. The time you told everyone she had a crush on Tim Gunn from Project Runway

and the number one thing you NEVER want your mother to find out about..

1. The fact that as you were typing this, you dropped half a baked potato on the computer keyboard

if you have a tiny mailbox, you deserve to die

so anyway.
most people know that in order to run away from Australia 2 months from now, ive been saving saving saving my butt off since the beginning of the year. Anyway, one of my many jobs is delivering newspapers around longueville.

sounds easy right?
right?
WRONG. because it just so happens that im not the only one who delivers newspapers in longueville.
i swear, my suburb must be the capital of all junk-mail.
because EVERY SINGLE MAILBOX is stuffed full TO THE BRIM of target catalogues, letters from MLC, copies of the northside courier, whatever whatever whatever.
so full that i spend most of my days trying to wrestle my lovingly rolled, elastic-banded and plastic-bagged north shore times' into peoples mailboxes.

so it doesnt help when the mailbox IS ALREADY TINY TO BEGIN WITH.
i mean come on.
its not that hard.
if you get alot of mail...GET A BIGGER MAILBOX!!

like take today for example: i just happened to be the unfortunate victim whos delivery pushed what must be the worlds tiniest mailbox over its capacity.
and let me tell you, the results werent pretty: this mailbox practically exploded all over the street.
i mean it. there are catalogues flying, letters falling all over the sidewalk, oh, and just incase the whole ordeal wasnt embarassing enough, the top of the mailbox actually flew into the air, and then proceeded to tumble down the neighbours driveway, making more noise than the first 15 minutes of Terminator 3.
oh, and this just happened to occur during the hour that EVERY SINGLE OLD PERSON LIVING IN LONGUEVILLE goes on their daily walk.
so im standing there, covered in what used to be a mailbox, with a north shore times in my hand and twenty six million pensioners pointing and laughing at me.

oh. it was so fun.
oh no wait, IT WASNT.

so im sorry. really i am.
but if you have a small mailbox, we can no longer be friends.

On this day in 1972...

HAPPY 36TH BIRTHDAY WENTWORTH!!

roseville girls are so articulate

have you ever played the boardgame Articulate?

long story short: teams of 2 or more. there is a word on a card (it might be a person, a place, an object, an action or just something random), and you have to describe it to your other teammates without saying what it starts with, what it rhymes with, how many letters are in it etc etc etc.
for example, if the word was 'Tree' you would be like

• A tall thing that has leaves on it!
• Bird make their nests in it!
• It has branches and a trunk!

Anyway you get like 30 seconds to describe as many words as you can to your team (and have them correctly guess the word).

Sounds easy, right?
This is what happens when Vandy plays Articulate:

The Word is 'Shrimp Cocktail'
Casey: Its like, ummm, like a kind of drink? Like a kind of cocktail!!
Gemma: Cosmopolitan?
Lauren: Like a martini?
Casey: No, its like not a drink
Jacki: What?

The Word is 'Maiden'
Jacki: Ok, its like the female version of a man!
(silence)
Jacki: You know how there is like the female version of a servant? And they clean your room?!
Lauren: MAID!!
Jacki: Yes!! So its like maid plus a little bit more!
Gemma: Maitradee?
Lauren: Maident?
Jacki: LIKE MAIDENT but a little less!!!
Lauren: Maid?
Kiera (who isnt even on our team): oh COME ON

The Word is 'Ivory Coast'
Han: Ok two words, the second part is like where water meets land kind of
Jacki: Beach! Horizon!
Gemma: Coast?
Han: Yes! Yes, coast! Ok, first part is like a plant that grows up a wall kind of, its like..
Jacki: A WEED!
Han: No its like a vine kind of..And like its what elephant tusks are made out of..
Jacki: Ivory!
Han: Yeah so put them together
Gemma: Ivory Coast!!
Han: Yes! We rock!
(Pause)
Kiera: Yeah but Han, ivory isnt a plant.

The Word is 'Great Wall of China'
Kiera: Ok its like this big stone thing that goes through the middle of an Asian country...
Jacki: GONG!!!
(pause)
Kiera: What? No, its like..
Mel: Great Wall of China!!
Kiera: Yes. What the hell Jacki?

...
ok so maybe its not Roseville girls who suck at Articulate, maybe its just me

Shower Thoughts #30

ok, i have to ask.
are there really two spellings of fiance?
as in the person you're engaged to?
like this whole time i have been thinking there are two spellings - a girl one and a boy one - but then i stopped and thought about it, and you know what, i think ive only heard one pronunciation.
like
fee-yon-say
am i right? am i right?
ok im so googling this
....
ok so apparently there ARE two spellings
fiance and fiancee
...
so what, are there different pronunciations?
or are they just the same word spelt differently?
or is google lying to me?


I FEEL LIKE IM TAKING CRAZY PILLS HERE!!

Indiana Jones and the City filled with Diamond Skeletons or whatever it was called. Its not my fault the title of the movie is practically a novel

So I saw it.
and before you all ask me, ill answer the question that everyone has been asking me.

Yes.
Yes.
Yes, you will like it.
If you like movies with everything.
And I mean everything.
I mean if you like movies that have Russian terrorists, death-defying stunts, Cate Blanchett attempting a Ukranian accept, romance, crazy people, shirtless old men, nuclear explosions, illegitimate love-children, cars that turn into boats and then fly over the edge of 100ft waterfalls and still remain intact, and - this just in - aliens, then you will like Indiana Jones.

Or alternatively, you could just be crushing on Shia LaBeouf.
which luckily i am, since none of that other crap made any sense to me.

my mother, the bully

can i just ask..
when did it become acceptable for my mum to make fun of me?
hello! shes my mum!
...
IM supposed to be making fun of HER.

and ill admit, i do write the occasional blog about how out of touch with pop culture she is...but its all in good fun!
not like what happened today:

walking up the front path to our house this afternoon...
jacki: (looking in the mailbox and seeing it is empty) Oh..did you collect the mail already?
mum: yep
jacki: and there was nothing for me?
mum: no, nothing
jacki: oh. sad.
mum: what, its not like you ever get mail anyway

...um....
OFFENDED!

and then later on:

while i was in my room, updating my resume and listening to a little ZZ Top...
mum: (opening the door and pausing) I swear, you have the worst taste in music of anyone i know
jacki: excuse me? You're the one who listens to Andre Boccelli!!
mum: Andre Boccelli is a classic, not like this stuff. I already lived through the 80's once, please dont make me do it again.

BURN!
well then! ill show her, i thought to myself.
so ive been playing Styx and Michael Jackson for the last hour, and i just filled out an online application for a flybys card - WE'LL SEE WHO GETS ALL THE MAIL NOW, MUM!!!

scene: catherine and I are watching that episode of Friends where Monica doesn't want to choose between Rachel and Phoebe to be her maid of honour so she makes them choose who it should be.

jacki: can I be your maid of honour?
catherine: I dont know
jacki: well I dont know if you'll be my maid of honour, but you can definitely be one of the bridesmaids
catherine: ok, cool
jacki: (pause) So..so can I..?
catherine: (laughing) you're pathetic
jacki: oh come on! who else are you going to have?
catherine: (offended) hey!
jacki: (trying to backtrack) no, no I didnt mean it like that, I just meant...I'm just curious!
catherine: yeah, sure.

this conversation actually came in handy during the rest of the day. for example:

when catherine was baking a cake, and she was trying to melt chocolate on the stove and stir the icing at the same time...
catherine: jacki! jacki, help, the chocolate is going to burn, can you stir it for me please?
jacki: sure I'll stir it - IF I CAN BE YOUR MAID OF HONOUR

when i was making a sandwich for lunch...
catherine: ooh, that looks really yummy, can you make me one?
jacki: sure, I'll make you one - IF I CAN BE YOUR MAID OF HONOUR

when catherine was looking for some entertainment for the afternoon...
catherine: jacki, can I watch your Bones DVD?
jacki: sure, you can watch it - IF I CAN -
catherine: oh forget it

another another thing...

and i just realised
t and r and e and w are RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER on the keyboard.
its not that hard people!!

trew. T-R-E-W.

ok.
i think its official.
like really official.
like pick-up-the-phone-its-time-to-call-the-guiness-book-of-records-and-finally-get-my-name-in-there-for-something official.

i have the MOST miss-spelt name in the world.
oh yes.
and im going to have a good and proper rant about this because it has to be one of the most SIMPLE names in the world.
i mean its not like there are any silent letters. or letters that dont sound like they usually sound (like you know how some people spell julia with a g? i mean thats just wrong).
its simple
jacki. trew.
how hard is that?
"not that hard!" i hear you say.
yes.
yes, i agree.
...
...
SO HOW COME SO MANY PEOPLE MISS-SPELL IT. HUH? HUH?
and if they dont it spell it wrong, they go..
"what? trew?"
...
and then they look at me like IM an idiot.
no.
no i am NOT an idiot.

so ive taken to, when people ask me what my name is, responding like this:
"jacki trew. t-r-e-w"
i mean, that should fix the problem, right?
im SPELLING it for them.
but no. no no. somehow that confuses people even more.
i think the most hilarious thing about it is that every single person responds the same way.
say they're writing my name down.
most get as far as t. some make it to r. and then everything goes downhill.
the pen pauses on the page, and they just stare at the paper for a second.
they look at me.
they look back at the paper.
"e-w" i say, seeing that they have already written t and r.
they look at me.
they look back at the paper.
they write a u.
"no, its e, then w" i say.
"e?" they say, unbelievingly
"yes. e. e and then w" i say
they look at the paper.
they look back at me.
i grab the paper off them and write the damn name myself.
i dont understand. I DONT UNDERSTAND.

and if its not the trew part, its the jacki part.
and ill admit i dont have the most common spelling of jacki in the world, but look. look at how i spell it. ITS SO SIMPLE.
again. no silent letters, no letters than dont sound how they usually sound.
ITS SPELT HOW IT SOUNDS.
but this is how the conversation usually goes:

"name?"
"jacki."
"is that jacqui?"
"no"
"jacky?"
"no"
"jacquie?"
"no"
"is it - "
"no, no, its j-a-c-k-i."
"oh. oh. thats weird"
they write it down. they give me the paper.
it reads name: jackie
...
I MEAN COME ON!!!

top ten

the Top Ten theories that might make me look crazy, but cause all of you to secretly think 'man, shes a genius!'

10. If you eat ice cream with a teaspoon, it takes longer to eat, and makes it seem like you get more.

9. The reason they killed Sara on Prison Break is because they found out I was going to America in 2008 and they wanted to recruit me as Michael’s new love interest – they’re now bringing her back because it turns out I’m only in USA for 3 weeks, which isn’t long enough to film a whole season. 2009 - It will happen.

8. There is a teeny tiny microchip located inside my body which causes every piece of electronic equipment around me to malfunction. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? It starts to sound less crazy after 6 iPods, 2 curling irons, 3 laptops, 1 graphics calculator, 5 phones, and, this just in – a hair straightener

7. Telling your parents that your tattoos are just ‘drawn on with a sharpie’ will work

6. Facebook is a trap. One day, whoever owns it will sell the whole thing – like those two guys sold youtube – to some freak like Ivan Milat, and the next thing you know, Ivan Milat will be inviting us all to ‘events’ on the side of the Hume Highway at 2 in the morning.

5. The Channel 7 executives read my blog. Hey, they brought ‘Bones’ back, didn’t they?? You can thank me later.

4. The voice-over announcements at the train station are done by Gretel Killeen. If you don’t believe me, listen the next time you’re at The Forum or wherever. Plus, it totally makes sense – she couldn’t get anyone else to hire her after Big Brother.

3. People think that because Nicole Kidman grew up in Longueville, they will be able to find the next Hollywood Superstar here – first they filmed Superman on Kenneth St, and, this just in – there was an Oak Milk commercial shot at the Longueville Rd bus stop!

2. My cat is in love with me. No, she doesn’t love me. She is in love with me – how else can you explain the fact that she eats all my clothes? SHE WANTS TO SEE ME NAKED!!

and the number 1 theory that might make me look crazy but causes all of you to secretly think 'man, shes a genius!'...

1. Emily Deschanel and I are destined to be friends – there are very few people in the world who watch Bridezillas and enjoy it. I am one of these people. So is she.

boredom + internet = laughter. every time.

hands up who uses yahooanswers.com??
just in case no one does, ill explain:
people post questions, and other people post answers. then anyone can read it.
for example:

Q: Who was that super-hot guy that played Mariah Carey's boyfriend in the We Belong Together filmclip?? - Asked by Random123
A1: I dont know but I agree, he was smoking! - Answered by IKnowNothing
A2: I think it was the guy from Las Vegas, but bald? - Answered by AnotherRandom123
A3: You idiots, it was Wentworth Miller. Shame on you for not knowing his beautiful name. - Answered by Jacki

...
and just so you know, yeah that was just an example.
whatever.
the best thing about yahooanswers.com is that at the bottom of the page, there are links to other question/answer sessions that are related to the question you're looking at.
ok no, thats not the best thing.
the best thing is that most of the time, these 'related' links arent related at all, in the slightest, and more often than not, are just hilariously idiotic.
like this one i found a few minutes ago:

Q: In a film, when a fly lands on an actor's face...
How do they get the fly to land there at that exact moment? And what kind of wage is the fly paid? Do you think the fly is a member of the screen actors guild? Can the fly win an Oscar?
A1: Those are special flies that spent years in method acting schools.They get their names in the film credits, bit most people don't recognize them because they are only flyspecks and at are the end of the credits, and often mistaken as extra periods
A2: Yes in fact Frank Sinatra paid homage to them with 'Fly me to the Moon'.The Classic of course is 'One Fly Over The Cuckoo's Nest'.

check the link if you dont believe me: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhOFbBbmvGzZ5Tk5JPHNE6jSxQt.;_ylv=3?qid=20080517003946AAZITNy

but really, i mean, why wouldnt you believe me??
YOU CANT MAKE THIS KIND OF STUFF UP!

A warning to all parents...

this is what happens when you let your kid decorate their own room

proof my sister loves me

scene: its one twenty in the morning. catherine walks into my room

catherine: Are you awake?
me: Yes
catherine: Why?
me: Because I'm always awake at this time
catherine: Oh. I cant sleep
me: (pause). Wanna watch Prison Break?
catherine: Ok!

hey catherine, would you rather...

(Catherine is lying in bed and im sitting on the floor in her room)

me: Ok, would you rather me flicking this lamp (points to the lamp on her bedside table) on and off and on and off while you try to sleep, or me sitting here for the whole night and every time the time changes i would say it like this (puts on a freaky voice that kind of sounds like Professor Snape) eleven fifty-two. eleven fifty-three. eleven fifty-four, and i would do it for the whole night?

(pause. catherine stares at me. i stare at catherine. we both burst out into hysterical laughter)

me: oh! I made myself crack up!
catherine: That is the stupidest question you have ever asked me.
me: just answer
catherine: ok, i guess id prefer....the light?
me: really? really? this wouldnt annoy you??? (turns the light on and off a few times and it makes a really loud noise)
catherine: yeah, thats annoying, but that voice you did really freaks the crap out of me
me: (trying to speak through the laughter) this is so going on my blog
catherine: is there anything that doesnt go on your blog?
me: ok did you know that there are probably poo particles on your toothbrush? definitely, actually
catherine: ok how did we get onto this subject?
me: (ignoring her) because the poo particles travel from the toilet and like latch themselves onto everything in the bathroom especially the toothbrushes
catherine: jacki -
me: and even if you kept the toothbrush in its original packaging, it would still have poo particles on it because the poo particles can penetrate the plastic!
catherine: jacki -
me: and if you've ever been in a public bathroom you probably have other peoples poo particles on you, like, right now!
catherine: jacki -
me: you know, i probably have a famous persons poo particles on me. like Eric Bana.
catherine: jacki...wait, why Eric Bana?
me: because we stayed at Lord Howe with him, and he probably farted some time during that trip. (Catherine looks disgusted). What, like you can get through the whole of dinner without farting once?!
catherine: you're disgusting
me: you know im right!
catherine: get out of my room
me: whatever.

so which would you guys rather?

you begged us not to..

for your reading pleasure

so i went for a walk today, and, idiot that i am, i decided to wear thongs.
not a big deal right?
well i didnt think so, until i accidentally walked through an ants nest.
anyway, try as i might to escape them, two or three latched onto my toes and started biting like crazy. and let me tell you, these were no ordinary ants, because no matter how hard i kicked, they just wouldnt come off!
So there i am, trying to walk, kicking out my legs to try and get the ants off and screaming because of the pain. and of course my sunglasses fell off and my ipod earphones came out of my ears and started flailing around my head and when i finally got the ants off my feet i turned and saw that i was standing next to Kingsford Smith Oval and the entire Lane Cove Over 45's Soccer team is pointing.
and laughing.
at me.

its a great day to be jacki trew.

what IS it with me and showers??

so along with spiders, history teachers, bus drivers, lolly-pop-men, magpies and my sister, i can now make yet another addition to the list of people or things who are trying to kill me.
showers.
yeah.
at first i thought, you know, maybe its just a one-off terrible shower experience.
but this morning i was proved wrong.

so there i was, innocently enjoying the hot water and the shower radio and the smell of my conditioner, and i decided to wash my face.
thats when things went bad.

so the conditioner was still in my hair and i was soaping up my face and SUDDENLY it happened. that thing that you guys hear about but never actually experience because, well, most peoples showers arent trying to kill them. whatever.
so suddenly the water changed from pleasantly hot to ice-cold.
so cold that the sides of the shower instantly froze, like that scene in The Day After Tomorrow, where the air changes temperature so quickly that the flag freezes into an ice-block?
yeah. exactly like that.
so basically i was trapped in this shower-slash-death-chamber, and im trying to turn the hot tap up and the cold tap down except theres soap in my eyes so i cant really see what im doing, and OH YEAH, remember that time the shower guy came to fix the shower, and while doing so, he switched the hot and cold taps so that when you turn the hot tap cold comes out and when you turn the cold tap hot comes out? so of course THAT factored into the whole situation (as you can imagine), and the water kept getting colder and the soap in my eyes was stinging and the shower radio was up so loud that nobody could hear my screams for help.
dude.
so finally i decided that even though i was wet and covered in soap and there was conditioner still in my hair, the only way to save myself was to get out of the shower. which i did, with great difficulty, and then proceeded to slide accross the wet bathroom floor, tangle myself up in the towels on the towel rack, and end up falling backwards into the spa.
which, as you can imagine, was really comfortable.
...
...
not.
anyway so there you have it. the proof that my shower is trying to kill me.
ill never be clean again.

...and then I saved 11 dollars!

so.
i went to the movies today with the lovely Mel Amon, and i gotta tell you, it may just have been..
...and let me prepare because i dont want to under-sell this...
it may just have been THE GREATEST AFTERNOON OF MY LIFE.
first of all, it was MEL.
and second of all, it was STEP-UP 2. which, you know, is the best kind of movie, on account of the fact that:

• its the kind you make fun of in front of all your super-cool friends but are secretly dying to see
• its a sequel
• theres dancing
• theres music
• theres a Channing Tatum cameo

and so much more.
whatever. thats not even the best part!

since it was 3 in the afternoon on a monday, we were THE ONLY people in the entire cinema. so of course, we took advantage of the lack of other audience members, and sat in La Premiere.

gasp! rebels!
whatever. i have to say, almost getting sent to prison (because you know, everyone who illegally sits in La Premiere goes to prison)? TOTALLY worth it.
i mean
those chairs are HUGE.