The Trews are famous!!!

Sadly, no, I'm not talking about myself.
Not yet anyway.
I'm talking about this band I just found called The Trews.
The Trews.
Is that awesome or what?
It's awesome.
I like to think they named themselves after me. And, I guess, the rest of my relatives. Anyway, here is where you can listen to their stuff, and here is a conversation I had with my sister about them:

Jacki: Hey d'you know there is this band called The Trews? And it's spelled the same way as our last name!
Catherine: Ha. That's pretty cool
Jacki: I know, right! Go listen to them. I just downloaded the whole album. Illegally though, so shh don't tell anyone*. But it's good
Catherine: What kind of music?
Jacki: Rock
Catherine: I don't really like rock
Jacki: Well then you suck. I'm annoyed though - that's totally was I was going to name my band!
Catherine: Really?
Jacki: Of course not. I'm going to name my band The Toasts. Everyone knows that.

Haha. The Toasts. Performing soon at a wedding, high school formal or 14th birthday party near you!

*Oh woops. I just told everyone.
Oh well.

Chocolate/Mint flavoured water? No. I don't think so.

Oh, my gosh, only 2 blogs in the past fortnight.
What can I say? Nothing that interesting has happened for a while...UNTIL THIS THURSDAY, THAT IS!!!
Because guess what happened?
Guess. Guess!
Did you guess?
MADI GOT HER P'S!
Yaaaaaay!
First try and everything. I am so proud. And now I have another chauffeur! Haha. Don't worry Madi, I'm only kidding.
Or am I?
Haha, yes, I am.
...
Or am I?
Yes. Yes I am.
OR AM I?
Yes.
....
....
No I'm not.
Haha, ok, enough.
So here, Madi, sweetie, honey, cookie, love of my life - here is a photo of the P-Plate Cake I've been promising to make you when you got your P's:

Ok, so obviously that isn't a photo of the P-Plate Cake. I tried to find a picture of one, but Google Images didn't have any P-Plate cakes, they only had License Plate cakes. I chose the man-one license plate because it made me laugh the most.
I mean.
What possible reason could someone have to put the words "Man One" on a cake?

Here's something else that happened this week: I went to Senso Metrics.
You know, the consumer testing place? You go and eat samples of a new kind of food, and write down what you think about it, and they give you $40? Yeah, it's awesome. Well usually it is. Except guess what I was testing?
Water.
Yeah, water.
Ok, it was flavoured water. But not a good flavour - it was mint flavour.
Mint.
Like, different kinds of mint.
OrangeMint, LemonMint, SpearMint, PepperMint, and - wait for it. Wait for it. Are you waiting? Oh, you know what, it doesn't even matter, because no amount of waiting will prepare you for what I'm about to say - CHOCOLATEMINT.
Whose idea was it to create chocolate/mint flavoured water?
I don't know.
But whoever it was, they better run. Because I'm coming for them.

Looks like Rove has been reading my blog

Did anyone else watch Rove tonight?
And in particular, a little segment called PeteSpace? Well, if you did, you (like me) might have noticed...
THEY TOTALLY TALKED ABOUT THE SNUGGIE!!
Remember The Snuggie? The ridiculous blanket with sleeves? The one that I blogged about - LIKE THREE WEEKS AGO!!
Oh, my gosh.
They even made fun of the same things I made fun of; the parents high-fiving at the footy game, the free booklight, the fact that it's a blanket with sleeves...
I'm telling you, Rove has been reading my blog. He's probably reading it right now! You know, getting material for NEXT weeks show.
Hi Rove!
See anything you like?

Rove's Final Five, Originally Intended For...Will Ferrell

5. Have you ever done anything illegal while on holiday in an overseas country?
Haha. Yes. Oh, yes. Since my Mum has made a recent habit of not only reading my blog, but showing it to her friends at work, I'm not going to go into any details...But I will say it involves a German girl, a fake ID, and a trip to Safeway at 3 in the morning.

4. Are you up for making Anchorman 2?
I am ABSOLUTELY up for making Anchorman 2. I wasn't in the first one so I don't know what character I'd play...maybe Brick's daughter? Actually, that's not a bad idea - Will Ferrell, you give me a call.

3. What's the most outrageous rumor you've heard about yourself?
Oh, there are so many. I'm so famous, I can't keep myself out of the tabloids. It's crazy, really.
...
Ok so obviously I'm lying. I don't know that I've ever heard a rumor about myself. Either I'm so boring that nobody would bother, or I'm so outrageous that there is no need.

2. Your character in Land of the Lost punches Matt Lauer from The Today Show. Who in real life would you like to punch?
Oh, right, Land of the Lost, yeah, I was great in that movie. In real life, though, I would love to punch whichever Prison Break writer made the decision to kill off Wentworth Miller's character.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That happened. Don't worry, I'll be blogging about it later.

1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Oh, man. I can't believe I didn't think of this last time I babysat.

Final. Episode. EVER.

17 hours until my viewing of the final Prison Break episode.
Final.
Episode.
EVER.
And all I have to say is...If I don't get some footage of Michael and Sara making a baby, I'm flying to LA so I can punch the writers out myself.

Crappy, crappy day

Ok, I should start by saying that there is only one person (that I know of) who'll be able to FULLY appreciate this story.
Julia, you'll know why once you're done reading it.
Here goes.
A Few Days Ago
A few days ago, I needed to print something off for school, so I went downstairs to my parents room to do so. Oh, yeah, that's how printing works in my house. We each have our own laptops, but the only computer actually connected to a printer is the ancient desktop in my parents room. So if someone wants to print something, they have to email it to themselves, go downstairs, log into Hotmail on the desktop, and print it from there.
Wow, could I have said the word print any more in that last paragraph?
Probably not.
Anyway. So as I was loading some paper into the printer, I noticed there were a few dead ants in the paper slot. Huh. Kind of weird.
In hindsight, I probably should have investigated the matter further. But it was late, there weren't that many dead ants, and well, I'm a lazy asshole. So I just brushed them away, and resumed printing.
Then a few days went by.
Today
Today I had some more printing to do. So I was halfway through, when the printer started beeping and flashing and telling me that the yellow and blue ink cartridges were empty. I went to lift the lid, you know, so I could replace them, and OH MY GOSH, THE INSIDE OF THE PRINTER WAS INFESTED WITH ANTS.
INFESTED.
WITH ANTS.
INFESTED WITH ANTS!
There were ants everywhere! Piles and piles! And, amongst the piles and piles of ants, there were piles and piles of these gross little while things I can only assume were ant eggs, just ready to hatch into more ants.
Oh my gosh, how traumatising for me.
So I found the ants. You know how sometimes, you have a moment, and you kind of wish someone was filming you? Just so you can replay it later, and laugh at yourself?
Yeah, this was one of those moments. Unfortunately, I'm not famous enough to be constantly filmed (yet. yet), so you guys will have to make do with just a description:

(I find the ants)
Me: Oh holy shit!
(I jump back from the printer)
Me: Um. Um...
(I pause to silently curse my past self for ignoring the ants when I first saw them. Then, I move back towards the printer to inspect them more closely)
Me: Ew. Are those eggs?
(I look around)
Me: Who am I talking to?

Ha. If only my life was a movie - I think my favourite part would have been the expression on my face when I realised I was talking to myself.
So then I had to unplug the printer, take it out the back, and vaccuum all the ants out of it.
And THAT is why today was a crappy, crappy day. Just in case the bad weather, the lack of good shows on tv and the fact that there was nothing to eat in the WHOLE house isn't enough, lets add the fact that the highlight of my day was vacuuming an ant colony out of my printer.

Rove's Final Five, Originally Intended For...Gina Riley

5. Speaking as a mother, would you shag Shia LaBeouf?
Well technically, I didn't actually give birth to my cat...though I do treat her alot like a baby...So okay, yes, I'll speak as a mother. No. No, I wouldn't. He's charming for sure, but no Wentworth.

4. Did you Twitter during the Logies?
I didn't. I was too busy making Liza Minnelli jokes about Gretel Killeen's new haircut.

3. Who is your favourite person to impersonate?
I don't know whether to brag about this or be totally embarrassed by it, but I can do a kick-ass BeeGees imitation.

2. Have you ever bought anything stupid off the television?
One word - snuggie.
Okay I lied. I didn't buy one, I just wore my dressing gown backwards one afternoon. Whatever, same thing.

1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:Booby pillow neck scarves?? HOW MUCH ARE THEY, AND WHERE CAN I GET ONE???!!!

The Celebrity Doppel-Ganger Theory strikes back!

Today I learned a little known fact:

There are at least 7 other people in the world who look exactly like you

They might be a different height or weight or nationality or whatever, but still. Their face = your face.
Do you believe it? Can you believe it??
Do you know what this means?? The Celebrity Doppel-Ganger Theory* is back baby! It is BACK!
Ok, back might be the incorrect term to use, since we all know it never really left. What I really mean to say is, um, SUCKS TO ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO DEEMED THE CDGT (that's Celebrity Doppel-Ganger Theory in future-winner-of-the-Nobel-Peace-Prize talk) STUPID AND IMPOSSIBLE.
SUCKS.
TO.
YOU.

Ok but more importantly, do you know what else this means?
THERE ARE SEVEN OTHER ME'S OUT THERE! So of course I have made it my mission to gather us all together and take photos and start a circus, since nothing says 'freak show' quite like multiple copies of Jacki Trew.
Am I right?
I'm right.
Right?
Whatever. The point is, if you look like this:Call me.
Oh, you know who else can call me? Anyone who looks like this:

* NEWEST MEMBERS OF THE CDGT:

• Catherine Trew/Tina Arena
• Daniel Watterson/Ronan Keating
• Ben Jackson/Jason Segel
• That Lady That Catches My Bus/Kirstie Clements
  

I just don't get it

"Through thick and thin."

Right. So I get the gist of it - like, if someone, say, Wentworth Miller, were to look down into my eyes and whisper tenderly 'Jacki, I love you more than anything. I'll stick with you - through thick or thin', I would get it.
Through good times and bad times, right?
Right.
But...which is thick, and which is thin?
WAIT!
Because I know what you're all thinking: Thin is bad, thick is good. Dumbass.
Yeah, well that's what I thought too.
At first.
I mean, that could be right - during bad times, there isn't much good stuff, right? So, if you were to squish all the good stuff together into a human shaped...thing, well, it would be a thin human shaped thing, because there wouldn't be much good stuff to squish together!
Oh, I don't know why its a human shaped thing. Just go with me on this.
So yeah, that's why that makes sense.

BUT.

What about if thick means bad?
I mean, that could also be right - during bad times, there's lots of bad stuff, right? So, if you were to squish all the bad stuff together into a cloud shaped...thing, well, it would be a thick could shaped thing, because there would be heaps of bad stuff to squish together!
Also, bad times are hard, right? And thick things are also hard...like, hard to walk through. Have you ever tried to walk through a swimming pool filled with maple syrup? It's hard!

Alright, now I don't know what confuses me more; the saying "through thick and thin", or how I ended up talking about trying to walk through a swimming pool filled with maple syrup.
Well, I don't really know which is which - all I know for certain is that I... am an idiot.

She shoots, she fails

Ok so if there was any glimmer of hope that I had retained some of the talent for shooting I had in high school - and I mean, lets be honest, there wasn't even much talent back then - it's officially gone after tonight's game.
I mean.
Really.
I would love to watch myself play netball, just to get a laugh.
Speaking of netball, what is with all the other teams in our competition? We're the ONLY ones who talk. Or laugh. Or cheer. Or BREATHE!.
No, only kidding. The other teams do breathe. Well I mean, I'm pretty sure they do.
But seriously. Playing netball in silence is creepy. It's way too intense. That's why I like to counteract the absence of noise by yelling stupid stuff out from the sidelines:
AFTER KIERA GETS A GOAL:
Jacki: I like you Kiera!!
AFTER ISSY INTERCEPTS A PASS:
Jacki: Oh. Um. YAY!
AFTER ANYTHING HAPPENS:
Jacki: GO SCORGASMS!
(ok, so technically our team name is The Panthers, but I'll always think of us as The Multiple Scorgasms)

And it's even more fun when I have someone else to do it with me. Tonight, that person was Jen. It went like this:
AFTER JULIA REACHES TO INTERCEPT A PASS:
Jen: Good arms, Julia!
pause
Jacki: Great arms, Julia (winks)

Ha.
Haha.
Oh, speaking of Julia...Here's what I love about Julia (among other things).
She has this face. I call it The Face Of Defeat. I see it alot during netball games - I don't know why, I mean, we are such a good team. Anyway, here's what it looks like:

Only, you know. Much prettier. My paint skills just arent sharp enough to handle Julia's face.
You know who else had a great face at netball tonight? Lucy. Hi Lucy! Because I know you read my blog, see?
Anyway, there was this moment where Lucy was running for the ball, and her face was so focused, so furious, so red with exertion. I loved it. I loved it so much. It was absolutely my play of the day. Or, rather, night. I would draw it, but I have a feeling I would just end up offending not only Lucy, but the entire female population. It's not that your face was ugly, Luce! Like I said about Julia: my paint skills just aren't strong enough to handle your chisled features.

Work experience - it's just like watching Jaws

So for those of you who don't know - and I'm guessing that's pretty much everyone, seeings as I didn't exactly announce it - I had work experience at Insight 51 this week.
Oh yeah.
I put a link on Insight 51, so you can all go to the website and see how cool it is. Also because I wanted to show off my wicked linking skills. Anyway.
So I had work experience. I say had, because today was my last day.
And thank GOODNESS for that.
Alright, let me explain.
So when Michelle, the careers adviser at FBI (haha, careers adviser. Is anyone else having Vera Cranston flashbacks at the mere mention of those words? Because I am!) described what I was going to be doing all week, she made it sound fun. Like this:
"Oh, its going to be so much fun! They need you guys (that's me and Lucinda, also from FBI) to help put some gift bags together for the buyers. I think they need you to do some beading? So it'll be really fun, and easy, you just get to sit and bead, and chat. Fun! Easy! Super fun! Ohmigosh! THE MOST FUN YOU HAVE EVER HAD IN YOUR LIFE! Honestly, girls, I'm jealous that I don't get to come with you. That's how fun and easy it will be."
Aha.
Ahaha.
I am so sure.
NOT.
Ok, it was torture. Honestly, torture. For the first day, we did nothing - NOTHING - but thread beads onto string. For hours. And hours. Ok, we started at 10am, and finished at 5pm. We got 20 minutes for lunch. And the rest of the time, it was all about the beads.
And these were no ordinary beads, either. And no ordinary string - they were tiny beads. And it was tiny string.
TINY BEADS.
TINY STRING.
Do you know what that can do to a person?
I FELT LIKE I WAS TAKING CRAZY PILLS!
I mean, even more so than usual!!
What made it even more torturous was that we kept expecting it to end, but it didn't. Like, yeah, we knew we were supposed to be there from 10 til 5, but Michelle said they would probably let us go earlier than that. So everytime somebody came over to laugh at us - because, you know, if you're not the one doing it, the concept of beading for 7 straight hours is pretty laughable - we would wait for them to tell us we could leave.
But did they?
DID THEY?
No.
They didn't.
Ok, day two.
It started off well. We got there in the morning, and were informed that we would be working upstairs.
UPSTAIRS? To someone who had spent the previous day sitting in a tiny isolated office threading freaking beads onto freaking string for hours, this was the best possible news.
Upstairs meant up. Up, away from the office and the beads and the string and the hell that was the previous day.
So we're walking up the stairs, all jittery and excited over the process of not having to bead, we turn the corner, and what do we see?
WHAT DO WE SEE?
A table.
A HUGE table.
Covered in beads.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(That's what it sounded like on the inside of my head).
So, for the second day in a row, we beaded. For 7 hours, minus 20 minutes for lunch.
Today was the third day, the frost (thats a little John Marsden humour for you readers of the Tomorrow Series).
So for the first half of the day, guess what we did?
Guess.
Go on, guess.
Did you guess beading?
Yeah, you were right.
Ok, but after we came back from lunch, something exciting happened.
NO MORE BEADING!
That's right. No more beading, they told us. Now it was time for something completely different. Now it was time to tie the bead strings together at the ends, to form necklaces.
Yeah.
Right.
At this point, I was ready to kill somebody.
Ready and willing.
But I didn't, because the final episode of Prison Break in on in like 2 weeks, and if I went to jail for murder, I would probably miss it.
Ok, where was I?
Oh, right, making necklaces.
So you would think, wouldn't you, that after 2 and a half days of beading, doing something as simple as tying a knot would be a welcome break, right?
Right?
WRONG!
And I'll tell you why: BECAUSE TYING KNOTS IS A BITCH.
A bitch that just won't quit.
Because we couldn't just tie the two ends of the bead string together, and call it a day. No no. We had to tie a perfect knot, then snip the thread ends off, then burn the knot with a lighter until the string melted, and then use our fingers to squish the melted string knot into a "perfect bead-shaped ball."
Perfect bead-shaped ball.
PERFECT BEAD-SHAPED BALL?
Who says stuff like that?
So now all my fingers and one of my thumbs are all burnt from squishing super-heated string knots into perfect bead-shaped balls. And the other thumb is red and calussed from flipping the lighter on so many times.
Ok, so it was all shaping up to be a pretty bad experience.
UNTIL one of the designers from Insight came over to us and was all "I just want to thank you girls so much for helping out this week", and gave us a free top each.
FREE TOP!
FREE TOP!
And I looked at the price tag - $80!! Not too shabby, Insight 51.
Not too shabby at all.
Ok, so here is my conclusion: Work experience is just like watching Jaws. Remember what I said about Jaws a few posts back? Here's a little refresher:
Well, when you first think about it, it's awesome, then the more you think about it, it's not that great...then you think about it some more, and it becomes awesome again.
Yeah.
Work experience is just like that: You start off being misled into thinking it's going to be awesomely easy and fun. Then, after a day, you feel like you would rather put fish-hooks through your nipples and fly yourself off the Chrystler Building than do it again. Then you get given a free t-shirt, and all is right with the world again.
Huh.
Maybe its not like watching Jaws at all.
Well, whatever.

A Bit Wrong, But Oh-So-Right: The Book

Just in case you can't get enough crazy over the internet, I just posted the introduction chapter to that book I wrote. Read it here.