Shower Thoughts#9

the ultimate human would be a cross between Emmy Shanahan and Michael Jackson

A scheme for chocolate

a plan played out by myself, beff and mai about 2 days ago when we'd run out of our own lunch and, finding ourselves still hungry, had gone in search for someone elses.

(from inside the phone room)
Beth: Who's going to call her?
Mai: Not me!
Jacki: No, you do it Beth
Mai: Jacki you do it.
Jacki: No make Beth do it!
Beth: Ok im dialling her number (hits 115)
Jacki: (whispering frantically) What do i say? what do i say??!!
Beth and Mai: (give blank looks)
Voice on phone: Hello, history department.
Jacki: Um hi. Is miss shanahan there?
Voice on phone: Who is speaking please?
Jacki: (trying not to laugh) Um. Its jacki trew
Voice on phone: Ill see if shes here (puts phone down)
Jacki Beth and Mai: (laughing uncontrollably)
Miss Shanahan: Jacki? Are you there?
Jacki: Oh hi Shanny.
Miss Shanahan: What is it?
Jacki: We need to talk to you. its urgent!
Miss Shanahan: (Sounding concerned) Oh, ok. Is it about the historical investigation?
Jacki: (Turning to beth and mai, whispering) She wants to know if its about the historical investigation...
Miss Shanahan: Jacki?
Jacki: (Passing the phone to mai) You talk to her!
Mai: Hi?
Miss Shanahan: What do you guys need?
Mai: We need you to come down!
Miss Shanahan: Sure. Ill be right there
Beth Jacki and Mai: (In hysterics)
Miss Shanahan: (Coming down the stairs) Whats wrong guys?
Beth: We, um. we...
Miss Shanahan: Yep?
Jacki: We need chocolate
Mai: Yeah. Please? You promised us!
Miss Shanahan: Are you serious?
Jacki: What?
Miss Shanahan: You made me walk all the way down here to give you chocolate.
Beth: Please? We ran out of our own lunch, and we're really hungry!
Miss Shanahan: (starts walking up stairs)
Jacki: Are you coming back??
Miss Shanahan: Maybe...

Luckily after we waited for a minute she returned with freddos for all!
and we loved her and she loved us, and there was much rejoycing

The plot of the magpies

Its true.
The magpies are plotting against me.

I tried to be nice. I tried to ignore them. I tried not to eat their eggs.
But thats it. enough is enough!
Everytime i walk home i have to walk through central park (which isnt really the real central park, its just the weeny park next to my house which also has the name central park). And everytime i walk through central park, im a perfect angel. I dont run to fast. I dont walk too slow. I dont throw tennis balls at the old folk. And every time - EVERY SINGLE TIME - I walk through central park, the magpies organise themselves into a diving squadron and bomb me like mini kamakazi acrobats covered in feathers.

no one else. just me.

so at first i thought it was just a coincidence. I thought they were just after my maroon school jumper or something. but no. no no no. because those stupid magpies try to kill me EVERY TIME i walk through that park NO MATTER WHICH outfit im wearing that day.
so.
the magpies are trying to kill me. I can see it in their eyes. I can see the plots they make inside their tiny bird heads.
but I have a plan.
because obviously the magpies arent afraid of me. But they'll probably be afraid of my dads chainsaw.

those magpies are going down.

all the people i stalk own leather coats...


....maybe i should invest in a leather coat

That Time I Met...Buffy Wu

Jacki: Tell us about yourself
Buffy: Why dont you?? arent you one of those year elevens who stalks me?
Jacki: So what if i am?
Buffy: I have to say, even if at first i was a teeny bit flattered, now im just creeped out.
Jacki: Oh admit it. you love being able to boast to all your little year one friends about how everyone in year eleven idolises you
Buffy: Ok. lets just say i am. which im not! doesnt it lower your status a little?
Jacki: How so?
Buffy: Im 6. your 16. you idolise me.
Jacki: Ok i get your point. But we're not stopping.
Buffy: Oh i think i can make you
Jacki: You do, do you? (laughs evilly)
Buffy: What?
Jacki: I have ways of stalking you've never even dreamed about.
Buffy: And what exactly is that supposed to mean?
Jacki: Ask Shanny.
Buffy: Maybe I will
Jacki: Maybe you should just go lick it all up.
Buffy: Lick what up?
Jacki: You know buffy wu. you know


THE END

Nicole Kidman skips town

so.
Nicole Kidman thinks she can get away with this, does she?
you know, even though she has a busy "hollywood star" schedule, you would have thought that she maybe, could, you know, take some time out from her busy timetable, you know, between marrying people and buying mansions and visiting secluded tropical islands, and come see her old house.
wouldnt you?
But no. no no no. obviously this is too much for nicole kidman because she flew off to the bahamas or bora bora or the place where they film lost or wherever her next billion dollar house is being built without even coming to visit me.
which is annoying because i FULLY cleaned my room and i totally put the Moulin Rouge dvd out on display. But NO.

well. well well well.
she isnt going to get away with this.
shes in for some stalking.





right after shanny.

a song for shazza

(to the tune of "the flintstones")
Chorus:
emshaz
shes the emshaz
shes the greatest shaz that there can be

from the
school of roseville
and the greatest thing is she loves me
Verse One:
she can
teach us all kinds of crazy stuff
and her
boyfriends are always really buff
Chorus:
emshaz
shes the emshaz
shes the greatest shaz that there can be

from the
school of roseville
and the greatest thing is she loves me
Verse Two:
she can
tapdance as well as she can walk
and she
is my favourite one to stalk
Chorus:
emshaz
shes the emshaz
shes the greatest shaz that there can
the greatest there can
the greatest shaz that there can be!!!


(if you dont know the flintstones theme listen to it here:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64bXJWjupzE&search=flintstones%20theme

Why Shanny Rocks My World

why The Emshaz rocks Jackis world

• She teaches modern
• She's the youngest teacher in the school
• She keeps the presents we make for her
• She does all the performing arts crap
• Shes the newbie
• She can tap dance
• She likes michael jackson
• She likes High School Musical
• She watches the Disney Channel
• She came to vandi this one time
• She can do the moonwalk
• She laughs at our lame jokes
• She tells us to shut up
• She lets us call her Shanny and Emshaz and Shazza and Emmy and Em and ShizShaz and Shazhole and Shizhole and many other nicknames
• She went in dancing with the staff
• She tries to get angry but it just looks funny
• She has msn
• She talks to us about Timmy and Lukey
• She looks like Yancy
• She tries to pretend she doesnt think she looks like Yancy
• Shes nice to all her brothers and sisters
• She tells us cool stories about her family and cuba and jury duty and crap
• She takes our suggestions, like the one Beth gave her about making a blog, and the one I gave her about watching Dirty Dancing
• Shes easy to stalk
• She gets jealous when I try to stalk other people
• She has a matrix coat
• She knows shes cool
• She helped me pick a modern topic to study
• She reads my blog

and the number one reason why Shanny rocks my world...?

• She finally admitted I rock her world too

top ten

Top Ten Classic and Almost Impossibly Unbelievable Home and Away Plotlines (so far)

10: The one where Hayley tried to make a body mould of Alexei, but the plaster dried and she couldnt get it off and he almost suffocated to death.
9: The one where it turned out that Kirsty and Jade actually werent twins, and Kirstys twin was actually Laura. Then Kirsty got lazy so she got Laura to take the HSC for her.
8: The one where Amanda conducted an adults only photo shoot on Summer Bay Beach.
7: The one Noah tried to seduce Hayley on the beach by saying (and i quote) "ah! my sexy love! i wish you worshipped your body by firelight!" before realising that he was actually serenading none other than Alf Stewert.
6: The one where Sally had sex with Heath Ledger in his caravan.
5: The one where Kirsty got married to the guy who raped her sister.
4: The one where they somehow turned the fact that Mattie got sunburnt into the fact that Flynn was going to die in 3 months of melanoma.
3: The one where Zoe The Stalker died in the factory fire, but wait, no she didnt! It was actually her young accomplice who just happened to have the same hair colour, eye colour, body shape, height and weight as her.
2: The one where Vinnie supposedly died in a gaol fire, but then he came back as part of the witness relocation program and visitied VJ's birthday party dressed as a giant bear.
1: The one where Alf was going to die, so he went shopping for coffins and found a ghost of his dead wife inside of one. Then suddenly, he wasnt going to die anymore!

did i just hear what i thought i heard?

(on an add for laser hair removal)
woman: dont you just hate having hair on your legs and chest?

someone please. tell me im wrong

ode to paul walker

paul walker is hot
i love him alot
paul walker is fine
i wish he was mine

paul walker is smart
likes strawberry tarts
paul walker is tanned
probably in some cool band

paul walker is fit
dont you know it?
paul walker can dance
even with no pants

paul walker has fame
but he is not lame
id like to be carried...
oh dammit hes married!

paul walker can talk
paul walker can walk
paul walker like chalk
paul walker - i stalk

top 10

Jackis top ten embarassing moments (so far)

10. That time everyone found out I owned the book by paris hilton and the book by nicole richie

9. That time I corrected someone for saying the word impossible ("actually, its umpossible. impossible isnt a word")

8. That time someone told me that space was 3D and i replied "which space?"

7. That time my netball skirt fell off in the middle of a game

6. That time my mum found me dancing to leo sayer in our living room

5. That time my skirt blew up in the westfield carpark and i didnt notice so i kept walking

4. That time Mel dacked me when we were riding in the back of Sair's dad's ute

3. That time my pants got caught on the side of a dumpster and I ripped a huge hole in the ass, then I had to catch the bus home

2. That time my cozi fell off during swimming lessons in year 2

1. That time i was in the middle of a rendition of the dance scene by tom cruise in Risky Business after just having got out of the shower when i realised our bay windows were open and my neighbours were all staring at me.

(next top 10: classic home and away plotlines)

The Greenwich...?

similar to what i did about a year ago, when Beth n Mel n crap were trying to name their band and i came up with a whole list of names that everyone thought were stupid and i thought were brilliant.

except this time its our netball team whose been trying to think of a name for like the past 7 years (ever since Julia named us "the greenwich geckos" and everyones been trying to think of a better one but a)they cant and b)julia refuses to let go of the gecko era)
so obviously i came up with some of my own.

• the greenwich gnomes
• the greenwich sandwiches
• the greenwich g-strings
• the greenwich full briefs
• the greenwich men
• the greenwich munches
• the greenwich pats
• the greenwich g-units
• the greenwich hangnails
• the greenwich chucks
• the greenwich sloths
• the greenwich shanahans

just randomly

just randomly - a new weekly column which irrationally attempts to answer all of life's incongruous questions. submit a question...i dare you

The Pad Ad
So. the pad ad.
we all know it. the one with some girl trying to squeeze herself into the smallest size of every piece of clothing she owns. you know. the jeans. the shirt. the boots. then she gets her boyfriend to "grab her a pad" out of the draw.
ok. OK
WHAT???!!!!
first of all...WHATS WITH THE PAD BEING IN THE DRAW? why would it be in the bedroom next to the tv??? it should be IN THE BATHROOM, IN A DRAW, UNDER A FERAL OLD HAIRBRUSH where NO ONE ON EARTH has to look at it.
second of all...what is the pad doing already unwrapped? doesnt the lady know how unhygenic that is? it makes me want to vomit. shes going to get toxic shock syndrome and DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH BECAUSE SHE LEFT HER FILTHY PAD UNWRAPPED IN THE DRAW WHERE HER BOYFRIEND CAN LOOK AT IT AND PLAY WITH IT!!!!

and lastly...WHY WOULD SHE WASTE HER TIME EXPLAINING TO HER BOYFRIEND WHICH TYPE OF PAD SHE SHOULD USE WHEN...
A) he doesnt care
B) he doesnt need to know
C) she is probably LEAKING all OVER THE PLACE
so.
soo.
an explanation?
the boyfriend is a woman. disguised as a man. but not very well.

That Time I Met...Otzi

Jacki: He's fierce, he's fast, he's frozen...its ICEMAN
Otzi: Actually it's otzi
Jacki: Otzi like that library dude?
Otzi: No dumbass, Otzi like me. I own that library dude.
Jacki: Wow...kinky. And can I just say that your appearance makes me want to vomit? Anyway, tell us about yourself Otzi, hows life in the old...alps...
Otzi: Well you know, not so good. It was ok until I died a horrible death from a combination of hypothermia, skull lacerations, and you know, just being myself. Then I was in for 5,000 odd years of being trampled over in the snow until two randoms discovered my mutated corpse. At this point I thought hey, I've been found, maybe I'm in for some tlc now, but no, they proceeded to ignore the fact that im 5000 years old, an important historical artefact, one of the only remnants of my time, and not to mention dead sexy, and got some bearded fatty to rip me from under some boulder, sling me over his shoulder and lug me to the nearest ice station.
Jacki: Wow. Too bad.
Otzi: Shut up. Now, did I mention I dont have a penis? Thats right, no penis for Otzi. I mean, what are the odds. I dont have a vagina either. I mean, I could have at least retained one from my days as an ancient furry tranvestite prostitute, but no, the nads freeze off and im left with what looks like a shrivelled prune glued in between my legs.
Jacki: Um
Otzi: And have you seen my face? I mean, I've seen better things to look at inside the creases on a dead elephants anus.
Jacki: I'm not going to deny that.
Otzi: Yeah. Well I tried to get back into my old career, you know, as a man-whore, but I dont know, for some reason people dont want to be seen naked with 5000 year old skeletons.
Jacki: Hard to believe...
Otzi: Shut up. I know you want me bad.
Jacki: Well I wont deny that either.
Otzi: Maybe the whole whore thing would work better if i had some prositute-y clothes. Where's that Jess chick? Maybe I can borrow her boots...

THE END

Elizabeth Maree Davies Docker

so
beth
beth is cool. beth forced me to write this blog. practically forced me. she said "write a blog about me. if you do ill write a blog about you". well that might not have happened.

i love beth. beth is 16 and she has short-ish hair that is dyed but it doesnt looked dyed if you know what i mean. you know how some people have dyed hair and you're totally like "your hair is so dyed". well not with beth. beths hair is nice. i wish i had hair like that. not me, i have hanus hair. hanus like a fox.
beth and i have modern together. we always have crazy times in modern by pissing off emshaz even though she totally loves us and cant bring herself to punish us except that sometimes she does. but oh well. beth and i do lots of cool stuff in modern like talk and scream and laugh and talk to emmy. actually the only thing we dont do in modern is the work, which shows in my results (which are dismal) but dont show in beths (because she is a freak)

thats right. beth is smart. beth used to do smart maths but now she does general maths. i used to do smart maths too. but unlike beth, i was crap at smart maths. i am also crap at general maths. im crap at most things. this post is actually becoming more about me *slaps myself*.

beth has a boyfriend called ben. they do heaps of stuff together like go to places where crazy people slap you in the face. it sounds like fun. beth and ben are so cute together, they do heaps of cute stuff, like the time ben wrote beth a card on their one year anniversery. beth let me read that card. it was cute.
beth likes miss shanahan. well sometimes. apart from when she's mean. which is sometimes. but beth loves her anyway.
beth likes to do heaps of cool stuff like sing and dance and work at peter alexander and play the guitar and strangle me with computer extension cords (which she is doing right now).
beth also likes to stalk people with me. we stalk people together, mostly emshaz, which is fun, because everyone gets freaked out. casey helps too. so does google earth.

beth is in preston. preston used to be cool but now theyre not because they are becoming the "Loser House" instead of cuthbert, which is handy, because i am:
a) in cuthbert
b) tired of being a loser
beth is good at lots of things too. beth has a cool house and a cool pool and a cool dog which scares me a little because of its teeth. but the dog is also cool. beth has two brothers called callum and michael who ride bikes until their legs fall off. one time, beth had to go to queensland in the middle of school to watch her brothers ride their little bikes. she was angry. i was jealous.

beth and i get in lots of trouble together by most of our teachers, and some teachers that we dont even have, like the boof. actually we get in most trouble from the boof.
theres alot more stuff about beth but i cant be bothered to type any more, so if you want to know just shut up and go to www.bethsmeegos.blogspot.com

i love you beffy :)

just randomly

just randomly - a new weekly column which irrationally attempts to answer all of life's incongruous questions. submit a question...i dare you

The Huggies Nappies ad - what the hell is the little girl talking about?
we've all seen it. we've all cringed. we've all screamed obsenities and thrown lamps at the tv screen...thats right, the Huggies Nappies ad. if you've been living under a wet rock and you dont know what im talking about, ill clue you in
Little girl: mum uses Huggies Nappies for my brother, little Zaccy
Overvoice: and now Huggies Nappies cost even less!
Little girl: which means more nappies for Zaccy, and more left over for the other important things.

ok. what?
WHAT??? other important things??? little girl, there ARE no other important things!! you use nappies for babies nasty asses, and nothing else!! what the hell kind of household are you living in???
what is she talking about? ive been racking my brains to think of the answer, but there is no logic in what she says!!! there is NOTHING ELSE you can use a nappy for!!! NOTHING!!!
can you use it as a hat? NO!
can you use it as a boot? NO!
can you eat out of it? NO! WELL MAYBE BUT THAT WOULD BE GROSS!

so, my only conclusion is...that girl is on drugs.

if you had something named after you, it could turn out really good.
like say you had a dessert named after you. a really delicious dessert.
people would say "oh i wish i had a Jacki right now. yeah, a Jacki right now is just what i need. boy do i love Jacki's"
or if you had an ipod named after you, they would all say "those Jacki's, i wish i had one, but they're too expensive"
or if you had a copy of the new Harry Potter book named after you, they would say "dammit!! i really want a Jacki! but theyre all sold out! why do Jackis have to be so popular??"

Then again, it could also turn out really bad
imagine if they named a new type of underwear after you...
"man, this sucks, i cant get Jacki out from in-between my ass cheeks"

shower thoughts#8

so.
soo.
i had a thought.
vegetable. vagina. those are pretty similar words.
did anyone else notice? i did. i sure did. so whats happens is, some people (like me) tend to shorten the world vegetable to veg. and some other people (like me) tend to shorten the word vagina to vag.
vag. veg. those are pretty similar words.
so similar you could screw yourself up pretty bad with them. like, in the middle of the dinner....
Small child: hey dad, pass the vag
Dad: (hesitating) uh...ok son...
Mum: (screams)

or like, at the hospital...
Woman: Help me doctor the babys coming! out of my veg!
Doctor: Out of your veg? What???
Woman: You call yourself a doctor?? Yes, my veg!!!
Doctor: Young lady, babies do NOT come out of these (points to carrot)
Woman: No, you dont understand
Doctor: Oh I understand perfectly. SECURITY get this crazy out of here!
Woman: (screams)

so careful! watch your a's and e's

andrew cockburn???!!!

some parents are just cruel

shazza rocks my insignificant life

OHMIGOLLY so we had dancing with the staff today, em-shaz was so hot tapping away, like an over-the-hill-done-up-in-whorish-year-nine-makeup-shirley-temple someone.