Oscar Day '11 - My Review, Now With Pictures

Some Oscar thoughts:

So, what, Geoffrey Rush is like..bald now?

That's all.

I'm only kidding of course.  Though I have to admit, this year's Academy Awards weren't as exciting for me as they have been in the past.  Mainly all I want to say about them is that I'd like to marry this:

...while wearing this:

...and listening to any song performed by this:

I know.  Booooring.  So as much as I love James Franco and Florence Welch and the idea of actually being able to pull off a lavender-coloured dress, the 83rd Oscars didn't cut it for me.  Which is upsetting, because anyone who reads this blog on at least a semi-regular basis (Re: once a year, preferably in late February) will know that when it comes to awards season in Hollywood, I am six kinds of obsessed with an extra dash of crazy sauce.  So I made a list.  Here is everything that went wrong with the Oscars in 2011...

1. Meryl Streep Was AWOL
So what if she's getting older, is always nominated but never seems to win, and hasn't actually appeared on a movie screen since It's Complicated back in 2009?  Oscar Day without Meryl Streep is like my 21st birthday without tequila; it's boring, it's unnatural, and nobody's game enough to make inappropriate threesome jokes about Alec Baldwin.
2. All The Good Bits Got Cut
Thanks to me having a full time job (as part of my ongoing bid to convince the Lane Cove Real Estate Agents that I'm actually grown up enough to handle my own apartment and certainly wont be setting up a kiddie pool in the lounge room or drinking my coffee out of a glow-in-the-dark martini glass), I didn't get to watch the awards live this year.  Bummed.  Everyone knows the only way to see George Clooney's actual reactions to the jokes made about him is to watch the live telecast.  Ie the one that plays before he sneaks backstage and pays the censors to cut out the parts where he makes faces like this:

3. Nicole Kidman Wore This:

Just...just...NO.  And while we're on the topic of Australians, since when did Jacki Weaver start spelling her name the same way as me?  Because I swear she didn't always do the 'CKI-Without-An-E".  And while I'm insane and vindictive and probably should have been institutionalised by now, my Mother (who isn't) actually agrees with me.  Check MATE, Ms Weaver.  And quit trying to be me!
4. Melissa Leo Got In Trouble
Just for dropping the F Bomb in her acceptance speech.  Really, Academy Of Old Dudes Who Decide What The Best Movies Are?  Really?  I'm sorry, did I miss something?  Was the audience full of impressionable primary-schoolers this year?  Get over yourselves.  To be honest, I found the whole thing kind of charming.  And not just because I'm the kind of person who always imagines herself dropping the F Bomb in the most inappropriate of circumstances:

5. James Cameron Wasn't Nominated 10 Dillion Times.  Or To Be More Specific, James Cameron Didn't Lose 10 Dillion Times
In my eyes, the best Oscar Ceremony was the one in 2009.  Partially because that's the year Hugh Jackman hosted, and to me there is nothing funnier than the mental image of Wolverine partying backstage with Helen Mirren:

Mostly though, it's because 2009 will always be the year Avatar was totally ass-kicked by The Hurt Locker.  If you know me, you know two things:
1) I hate Avatar.  If I had balls, watching Avatar would be like getting kicked in the crotch.  I'm a girl, so I guess it's more like giving birth to a $500 million greenscreen.  Or something.  And
2) I always vouch for the underdog.
So while I've only been able to sit through The Hurt Locker once, and found the whole experience so traumatising I'm sure it's like 30% of the reason I'm unable to love, it was the underdog.  And it won.  And James Cameron cried like a little bitch baby...I'm assuming.  Probably not, but I like the idea of James Cameron crying like a little bitch baby.  Plus the chick who directed Hurt Locker is his ex-wife, and way hotter than his current wife.  AND did I mention that she BEAT him?  If that doesn't spell entertainment, I honestly don't know what does.  This year though, there was no Avatar VS Hurt Locker/James Cameron VS Katherine Bigelow equivalent.  I had to settle for creating personal fueds between each of the actors in my head; which I can tell you now is not NEARLY as much fun.

That's it, really.  I can only hope next year shows an improvement.  By which I of course mean...I hope I'm hosting.

I Am Woman

A slow beginning to the week; the most interesting event so far probably being the mini-meltdown I had last night when my hair elastic broke and I couldn't find any new ones. Which, as insane as it seems, I actually rather enjoyed - because to be honest, it was kind of getting to the point where I was questioning my own level of femininity. I mean, how many other 20-year-old girls do you know that make fart jokes, dislike children, couldn't care less about marriage, and spend their free time thinking up ridiculous word-game competitions to play with their boyfriend, like "Who can think of the most offensive slang terms for their own genetalia?"
Which, by the way, I totally won.
Still. There's nothing like finding yourself on the brink of a nervous breakdown on account of something utterly trivial and meaningless to remind you that yes, you are in fact a woman.
...
Having breasts also helps.


On a completely unrelated note, has anyone here seen The Hurt Locker? I'm inexplicably curious about it. I don't know; something about the way it completely destroyed Avatar at the Oscars this year just makes me go hmmm...And have you seen this promotional poster??

It doesn't happen often, but whenever the words 'fire' and 'orgasm' happen to cross paths in my mind, that's what it looks like. I gotta see this movie. Which I know sounds weird, especially considering my total abhorrence for war/guns/violence, but hey. Just because I hate automatic weapons doesn't mean I won't enjoy watching some hot guy playing with one. Why do you think I found a boyfriend in the armed services? And any movie that's in direct competition with James Cameron/Avatar is pretty high on my list of priorities. I know the whole Avatar craze was almost a year ago now, but in between work, sleep, and watching every episode of Dr Who in an attempt to out-nerd The Navy Man, I don't have alot going on in my life right now.
So yeah. If you've seen The Hurt Locker, give me a call. And if you haven't, give me a call anyway. I'm so desperately lonely.

We Have Sex With Our Ponytails!

Well howdy there.

I know it's been like a week since I updated, but still. Not much to post about today. Except for the fact that I think this might be the best photograph I have ever taken:

Or that anyone has ever taken. And they say I'M the crazy one in our family?
Anyway.
I realise you guys are probably sick of these by now, but between sleeping and trips to the dentist I don't spend much time anywhere else...so who wants to hear another 'Jacki Messed Up At Work And It Was Hilarious' story?
The day was Wednesday. The time was mid-afternoon. And I'd just been asked to put a toner through some woman's hair. For those of you who don't have experience in the glamorous world of apprentice hairdressing, toner is a conditioner-like cream that we apply after foils or highlights to neutralise the difference between the new colour and the natural colour of the hair. You can either mix it yourself, or use Colour Fresh, which is pre-mixed and comes in a yellow bottle. There's 3 kinds of Colour Fresh: one for blondes, one for redheads and one for dark brunettes. Get it?
You get it.
Anyway, since I'd had a pretty incident-free day, when I was asked to do the toner, I took it upon myself to choose which one to apply. At random, I chose Colour Fresh 12/13. For dark brunettes.
My client was blonde.
Needless to say, I don't think 'murky purple' was the colour she asked for. And with good reason. I am an idiot.

Speaking of idiots...James Cameron. That was a terrible segue, but I don't really care. I'm watching Avatar right now, and starting to take back some of the shit I said about it around Oscar-season. It's not so bad. Sure it's long, it's predictable and it's an obvious rip-off of Pocahontas, but I think my real problem is with James Cameron. That, and the whole we-have-sex-with-our-ponytails thing. Coz that's just weird.

Some POST Oscar Thoughts

Alright people, lets get it out of the way:

Meryl Streep Did Not Win The Oscar

I am suitably devestated. Now, moving on.

First of all...I get that they're huge and amazing and more important than any of us normal people could even possibly imagine, but did the Oscars really have to air on THREE separate networks this year? I spent half my morning just deliberating over which channel to watch. Long story short, I went (as I always do) with E!...mainly because I am and always will harbour a not-so-secret addiction to the E! Channel, but also because I love seeing Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic making idiots out of themselves on the red carpet.

Oh, those two. Can they get any vainer? The best part is that you can tell they totally hate each other, but have to pretend otherwise on camera. Screw James Cameron, I'd give them the Oscar.

Speaking of the red carpet...eh. I got nothing. Other than Meryl Streep in all her glory and Sandra Bullock's impersonation of a statue itself, I was completely bored. Really. The best moment was either Sam Worthington and Zac Efron's awkward attempt at a handshake/hug, or Ryan Seacrest's referal to Mariah Carey's boobs as his "best friends". Oh, Ryan. When will you learn?

Now, the actual ceremony.

Oh, no, wait! Before we get to that, I want to finally say what I've been thinking since about 11.40 this morning - that the Academy totally needs to invent a new niche category, titled "Best Film With An Ensemble Cast". Or, if they want to be more accurate, "Best Film Where We Tried To Include As Many A-Listers As Possible In A Semi-Desperate And Completely Obvious Attempt To Draw An Audience". I don't know who'd win, but I'll tell you who wouldn't: He's Just Not That Into You. The only good thing about that movie is Ben Affleck's pronunciation of the phrase "deflated boob". I'm serious; like 45 minutes in. Check it out.

Steve (Martin) and Alec (Baldwin...we're on a first name basis) would have been more awesome as hosts had they not followed a musical number that made reference to prison-rape by Neil Patrick Harris, who I would now like to date, marry and have lots of sex and babies with. I do like Steve Martin though. He's looking pretty good, for a 90-something-year-old! Alec Baldwin though, I was half expecting to climb through my TV screen with a pick-axe and murder us all. What is it about that guy that screams 'serial killer'?

Anyway, he and Steve stood around making jokes at the audiences' expense for 5 or 10 minutes, most of which went down pretty well. Oh, except the ones about George Clooney, who must have had his sense of humour surgically removed before the ceremony - coz he looked pissed. And a bit scruffy. And kind of old. And sort of like a complete douche-lord.

Speaking of complete douche-lords...James Cameron. Um, how shall I put this delicately...SUCK IT, JAMES CAMERON, SUCK IT! Sure, Avatar won everything even I admitted it should win (cinematography, visual effects, art direction etc), but the big cheese himself got nothing. I wouldn't worry about it though, he's got about $400 billion to soften the blow.

Other than that, what is there to talk about? Jeff Bridges and Mo'Nique who both won as predicted, Christoph Waltz taking out Best Supporting Actor, and Sandra Bullock robbing Meryl Streep but being extremely charming, funny and likable while doing it.

Oh.

And Oprah was there.

Best Dressed? Sandra Bullock

Best Attempt At Being Best Dressed? Kristen Stewart (I know, even I was surprised)

Best Presenter? Ben Stiller, who dressed up as an avatar and insulted James Cameron in the native Na'vi tongue.

Best Line? Came from Tim Robbins: "I remember Morgan Freeman turning to me on the last day of shooting for The Shawshank Redemption and saying, "Friendship is getting a friend a cup of coffee. Could you do that for me Ted?"

And finally...

Best Part: It's gonna be on repeat for the next 24 hours.

Some pre-Oscar thoughts:

Who the hell is Jeff Bridges? Briges? Brides? Okay kidding, I know that last one is wrong. Still, who is this guy? Apparently he's been nominated like 8 dillion times before, and everyone keeps going on about how much they hope he wins because he's pretty much the Kate Winslet of Old Guy Actors, but I am totally clueless. Jeff Bridges, if you are reading this, please send me a link to your IMDb page. And an email explaining how to spell your last name.
My Mum and I are in the midst of an all-out war concerning who should win Best Actress. Mum says Sandra Bullock, which I suspect has less to do with Sandra Bullock's acting ability and more to do with the fact that her co-star Ryan Reynolds was half-naked in The Proposal.
Pfft.
I'm on Team Streep, otherwise known as The Team Who Will Win. Mainly because I know Meryl Streep is a great actress, but also because I love her so much that I sometimes have dreams about the two of us running away together. Oh Meryl. How can you not love Meryl Streep? I do. I love her. She could literally take a dump on the hood of my car and I would still love her. In fact, it would probably make me love her more.
Anyway, I sure hope she wins, because I've got 10 dollars riding on it and a recent bank account statement that reads:
Opening Balance: -$43.30
Deductions: $4.00 (monthly ATM fee)
Closing Balance: -$47.30
Sigh. Oh well.
Now, about Steve Martin and Alex Baldwin hosting. I'm all for Steve Martin, because to be frank, I'm happy he's still alive. I swear that guy has had white hair since I was like 5. He's gotta be pushing 90, right? But Alec Baldwin I'm not so sure about - he kind of totally scares the bejeezus out of me. I wish Ellen was hosting. As in Ellen DeGeneres, not my friend Ellen Fletcher. Although Ellen Fletcher would be pretty awesome...perhaps they could host together, and Meryl Streep could be the DJ. Can you imagine?
Anyway.
The only thing I want more than for Meryl Streep to win is for James Cameron to lose. Someone needs to knock that you-know-what off his high horse. Plus you can totally tell he expects to win, which increases the likeliness that he'll make this face when he doesnt:
Suck it, James Cameron! Oh, and ps, Avatar was totally predictable!
Stay tuned for my post-Oscar blog tomorrow. Until then!

I Finally Saw Avatar

I know what you're thinking. Another movie review? Why don't I just get a job as a real film critic already? Well I'll tell you why not - because there are no listings for film critics at My Career. And even if there were, I doubt anyone is gonna hire the girl who after watching The Twilight Saga: New Moon, spent 3 and a half paragraphs talking about Rob Pattinson's lopsided nipples.
Regardless. Lets talk about Avatar.

Umm...okay. It is wrong to find an alien handsome? I mean, is this just me? Have I been alone for too long, or were those blue dudes totally hot? I know 'handsome' isn't usually a word one would associate with an extra-terrestrial being, but...damn. Do those guys work out or what? I feel like I spent the first half of the movie reminding myself to breathe. And the second half trying to decide whether the Avatars were hotter than Wentworth Miller. And the cab ride home fighting a heart attack as I imagined Wentworth Miller as an Avatar.
...Oh, my.
What was I talking about again?
Right, right, the movie.
Well first off, is there anyone left in the world who hasn't seen this film yet? Anyone? Is it you? Are you the only person left? If you are, I want you to smack yourself in the face, really really hard. Then quit wasting your time with my blog, and go see it. Now! Right now! Preferably at the IMAX. Do it!
Are you doing it?
DO IT!
Wow, I am bossy today. I feel it's justified though, since this is probably one of the most legendary films ever made. Really. Legendary was the best word I could come up with right then, and even that doesn't do it justice. What's better than legendary?
I'll tell you what is: Avatar.
James Cameron, you've done it again. It's like a wonderful cross between every futuristic movie I've ever seen, Pocahontas and Fern Gully. Remember Fern Gully? From when we were like, 5? With the forest and the fairies and the giant willow tree? Yeah, that plus the entire Sci-Fi genre = Avatar. If Dr Spock, Neo, Pocahontas and the old lady from Fern Gully got drunk at a bar together and went home for some crazy four-way sex, this movie would be the result.
And really, how could anyone say no to that?
No wonder it's the highest grossing movie of all time.

So, in conclusion:
- Avatar is incredible.
- You should all relive your childhoods with a screening of Fern Gully, and
- I am a freak who is attracted to blue aliens.
4 and a half stars.

Who Wears A Beanie To The Golden Globes?!

Usually I feel kind of guilty about it, but today I've had no personal qualms with sitting in front of the TV for 4 straight hours - even though I'm unemployed and broke and have a mother who is constantly nagging me to get a job - because the Golden Globes were on. And any event that combines celebrities, public speaking and alcohol is pretty high on my list of priorities.

I'll look for a job tomorrow.

First, let's talk about Meryl Streep. Is it totally weird that I am a little bit in love with her? I know she's like 60, but all I want to do is invite her over for pizza and a Prison Break marathon. She'd enjoy that, right? I find it hard to imagine a woman who wouldn't appreciate Wentworth Miller in all his tattoo-ed glory. And everyone loves pizza.

Another person I've discovered I have a weird thing for is Julia Roberts. In her carpet interview she said something about NBC being 'in the toilet!' which I thought was very funny, but probably only because I am enough of a loser to be following this whole Jay Leno/Conan O'Brien debacle. She also looks alot younger than she is, and that always scores points with me.

I think one of my favourite things about the whole day was the Red Carpet, mainly because it was raining, and Fergie's hair frizzed right up. Celebrities - they're just like you and me!

I also enjoyed Chloe Sevigny's dress. Well, no. I enjoyed making fun of Chloe Sevigny's dress, and then revelling in the moment when someone stepped on the train and ripped it. Gold.

Nicole Kidman...well, here's how my reaction went:

Jacki: Why does Nicole Kidman always wear clothes that are the same colour as her skin?

Catherine: I don't know.

She does though. Still, I am so obsessed with every Baz Luhrmann film ever made that I can overlook it. Yeah, and just for the record:

Dress I Loved

Dress I Loathed

Dress That Made Me Feel As Though I Was About To Have Some Sort Of Stroke

Ricky Gervais was a pretty damn good host, if for no other reason, then just because of the way he pronounces the word 'category'.

Cah-eh-gor-ey.

I could listen to that man talk forever. Dammit, why can't I be British?

Mel Gibson got up at some point to make a very confusing joke about the movie Inglorious Basterds which I didn't really get because I was too distracted by the fact that he has grey hair now. And that his suit was about 3 sizes too big. And that he was even there really, because seriously when was the last time you watched a movie with Mel Gibson in it?

Haha. I'm mean.

Speaking of confusing jokes that people don't get, Toni Collette said something funny in her speech about her last trip to the Golden Globes, and how she went to the loo and missed her whole category.

Dead silence.

I laughed, but I think I was the only one since (I am assuming) Americans dont know the meaning of the word 'loo'. Poor Toni.

What else?

Oh!

As James Cameron was walking up to collect his award for best director, they played a Celine Dion song. Really you guys? Celine Dion? Titanic was more than 10 years ago, yo. You do realise he's got a new movie now, right? I don't know if you've heard of it, it's got blue people and dinosaurs and a war about some shit that wasn't explained in the trailer? Check it out. Really. Looks pretty good.

Now, about the worst part of the day...an appearance by Taylor Lautner. Okay, no, that's not true. The worst part was that all The Hangover cast members were there except for the dude who plays Allen. What? No! Allen is my reason for living! Well, no, strictly Wentworth is my reason for living. But Allen is definitely an inspiration for the insane portion of my personality. So, like 97% of it.

What was I saying? Oh, Taylor Lautner. Firstly because, well, he's Jacob. Whom I loath with an intensity that rivals Luke Skywalker's hatred of Darth Vader. Yes, Jacob Black is my Darth Vader. That makes no sense, but whatever. I also feel like it's a bit unfair for ONE person to possess so much of the handsome gene. Pass it around, greedy!

Alright, I think I'm done. Oh one more thing:

WHO WEARS A BEANIE TO THE GOLDEN GLOBES?!
Ok. Now I'm done.