Friday, March 23, 2012

Why Neither Titanic, Nor Hugh Jackman Should Ever Be Remade

So the makers of Downton Abbey have made their own version of Titanic?
...
I don't mean to be rude, but what the fuck?  That is a bad fucking idea, and here is why:
 There is no such thing as a better-looking couple than the original Jack and Rose.  I said it in 1997, and I'm saying it again now - They're hot.  I'm not that into the idea of a threesome, but if Jack and Rose asked me?  There would be no hesitation.  Yes, I said that in 1997.  When I was 7 years old.  When Catherine and I were kids, our parents used to let us watch pretty much whatever we wanted on television - it's not our fault if we were sexually over-stimulated.


But back to Titanic.  As a narcissistic emotional corpse, it's against my nature to like or enjoy anything that involves romance...but the original Titanic is probably one of my favourite films of all time.  I can't help it!  And I don't feel bad about it.  Everyone loves Titanic - it's against the law not to.  The only way I differ from everyone else is that MY favourite bits of Titanic are the bits that no one else likes; like when Rose jumps out of the lifeboat. 
Or when Cal goes crazy with that pistol and tries to shoot everyone. 
Or when the ship sinks.
The best part though - the BEST PART - is the part at the end where they're in the water and Rose is laying on the door while Jack hangs in the water. 
There is nothing I enjoy more than yelling obscenities at a TV screen, and no scene in film history that invites this sort of behaviour more than the bit in Titanic where Rose hogs the whole door.  Unless you've never seen this movie (in which case you should probably crawl out of the cave you've obviously been living in for the past 2 decades and buy a fucking DVD player), you will know what I'm talking about.
Here is a brief excerpt of conversation from the last time I watched Titanic:


Me: Oh here it comes.
Boyfriend: What?
Me: The best part of the whole movie, that's what.
Boyfriend: You're gonna start yelling at the TV, aren't you?
Me: I'll try to control myse - LOOK AT THAT!  LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT DOOR!  THAT DOOR COULD EASILY SUPPORT TWO PEOPLE.  MAYBE THREE.  WHAT A BITCH!  JACK, I WOULD TOTALLY SHARE THAT DOOR WITH YOU.
Boyfriend: I think Jack's actually dead.
Me: Oh!  Did you SEE that?  She FLIPPED it!  She TOTALLY FLIPPED IT!
Boyfriend: Are we watching the same movie?  
Me: Get the remote, we're playing this shit in slow-mo.


Notice that Rose is also the one wearing the life jacket?  If she was going to take up the whole floating door, the LEAST she could have done was give him the life jacket.  But no.  That is a whole new level of selfishness right there.  And don't even get me started on the 'I'll never let go' scene.  We will literally be here all day.


Anyway, the main point I wanted to get across in this post is that any remake of a film as awesome as Titanic is destined to fail, for the same reason that Hugh Jackman will never get plastic surgery - you can't improve something that's already perfect.  Also:


Alex: What is this?
Me: Oh it's some remake of Titanic.
(pause)
Alex: Why is the guy playing Jack so ugly?


Case.  In point.

1 comment:

Ben Lucas said...

Are you high? Hugh Jackman is much better looking and in better shape than Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo was kind of cute when he was younger, but now not so much. Also, this wasn't the original Titanic movie, I think there were at least two before this one.