I have recently learnt the hard way that it is never a good idea to stay at someone else's house after a big night out. Sure, when it's 2am and the person sitting next to you has a car and a spare bedroom, you're all for it. But what about the next morning? I woke up last Sunday with no makeup, no toothpaste, no phone battery and no dignity. The dignity thing I'm used to, but no toothpaste? So not okay. Thank God there seems to be a never ending supply of miniature mentos at the bottom of my handbag. I have no idea how old they are, nor how they got there in the first place - but since when has that stopped me when it comes to individually wrapped lollies? I should probably learn to exercise more caution with the things I put in my mouth.
So you know what else I was missing? Deodorant. Ah! The toothpaste of the armpits. I wanted to cry. The only thing I can think of that's worse than leaving the house without deodorant is leaving the house without underwear - and that's only if you're wearing a miniskirt or polyester pants. Or planning to do the Sydney Harbour Bridge climb. Thankfully, I was able to locate an old can in the bathroom, so on it went. Lucky, right? Wrong. Here's the kind of deodorant I usually use:
And here's what I'd found in the bathroom:
Don't get me wrong, I love the smell of men's deodorant. On a man. On me, not so much. Every time I lifted my arms I had flashbacks to every guy I have ever made out with. Some good. Some not so good. Not that it mattered; I'm pretty sure the woman reaching for Vegemite next to me at Woolworths caught a whiff and thought I was some kind of teenage drag queen. You could tell she was just dying to ask me how I shave my beard so close.
Has anyone else been watching that show Offspring? Yeah, me neither, except for every Monday at 8:30pm on Channel 10. And now on Wednesdays too! I also like to replay certain scenes in my head when I'm supposed to be acting productive at work. It's all part of the fictional love-affair I'm having with this guy:
Regardless of Doctor Hotstuff there, it's a pretty good show. Are you reading this, Mum? I've been trying to convince my Mother to watch for the past month. So far, I'm not doing well:
Me: Hey Ma, do you watch Offspring?
Mum: No, when's it on?
Me: 8:30, on Mondays. Make sure you watch it, okay? We can talk about it next week.
(one week later)
Me: So, did you watch it?
Mum: Oh! No, darling, sorry. I completely forgot. When's it on again?
Me: 8:30 on Mondays. Don't forget!
(one week later)
Me: So, Mum, Offspring?
Mum: I was...working?
Me: You were working.
Me: At 8:30.
Me: On a Monday.
Me: Are you lying?
Mum: ...Yes. When's it on again?
Mum, you don't know what you're missing. Truly. Trewly. And to anyone else who doesn't watch Offspring, I seriously recommend it.
Alright, that's a lie. But this is 100% fact:
Suck it, every other show on television.