Wednesday, April 27, 2011

No Ovaries, No Chance

You might remember the time I spoke about the movie Titanic 2, and how excited I was to watch it.
Well, a couple of days ago, my dream came true.  And by 'dream', I of course mean 'nightmare'.  I like shitty movies as much as the next girl (probably more, at least if my penchant for Elizabethtown and Superbad are any indication), but Titanic 2?  There are no words.  Except for the ones I am about to type:

The film opens with some random in a wetsuit surfing waves off what appears to be the coast of Antarctica.  Of course it does.  What makes the scene even more believable is that he is (literally) completely alone - no boat, no jetski, no surfing buddy - so when the nearest icecap collapses into the water causing a 100ft CGI tidal wave, he is swept away without even the slightest chance of a rescue.
Cut to modern day Los Angeles, where we meet our main characters:
Bitchy Hostess
Judging by her uniform, this chick has a job aboard the Titanic 2.  Her first point of order while boarding the ship is to look around and declare she'd rather "drown than have to deal with giving any of these people CPR".  That's the spirit!  And exactly the kind of attitude you want from someone PAID to be responsible for upwards of 500 peoples lives.
Bitchy Friend Of Bitchy Hostess
Pretty much the same, only you know she's not as important as the main Bitchy Hostess because she doesn't get a phone call from her father, warning her that the Titanic 2 is 'barely seaworthy'.  My guess is that she's just there to up the body count.
Blonde Asshole
I'm not sure exactly what role this guy is supposed to be playing, but he's apparently famous - as indicated by a pair of aviator sunglasses and the swarms of bikini-clad women around him.  He and the Bitchy Hostess also make eyes at each other and I decide that if those two don't end up fucking in the last minutes before the T2 is forcibly capsized by a tidal wave from Antarctica, I'm going to headbutt my own TV screen.
Titanic 2
The boat in question. Oh yes that's right: this isn't an actual sequel to the first and wildly successful Titanic film. It's just the name of the boat. Shit, you know this is going to be quality television.
The movie splits itself between two settings: one being the boat, the other being an icy and undisclosed location. Antarctica? Probably. So while Bitchy and Bitchier are busy flirting on the poop deck, a bunch of snow nerds are standing around on an icecap talking about how the next piece that falls into the ocean could be the size of Rhode Island. Then they board a helicopter and make a bunch of phonecalls to the captain and crew of T2, warning them to "stay away from the icebergs".
No shit! Where'd these guys go to school, Harvard? I would never have though to avoid the icebergs! Give these guys a medal!
Then the snow-nerds start talking about contacting the Navy, and I tune out.  Mum was cooking something that smelled delicious, and I went to investigate what it was.  Plus any mention of the word 'Navy' kind of makes me want to shove walnuts into my own eyes.
When I returned, the T2 had ceased movement as 2 of its 5 engines had blown out.  Surprise surprise.  We also learn there is a tsunami headed towards the ship at an estimated 800 miles per hour.  And did I mention that the tsunami has icebergs in it?  At this point I half-expected a spaceship full of giraffes to materialise and start probing the remaining passengers.  I hear one crew member mutter the phrase 'Looks like history is repeating itself' and think I am going crazy.  History repeating itself?  Oh, yes.  Because if there's one thing I remember about the original Titanic disaster, it's the ship being hit by a tidal wave full of floating icebergs.
Then I looked at the program synopsis and saw that there was still over an hour left to go. 
I can say with 80% honesty that this is the closest I have ever come to ending my own life.  An hour?  Watching a documentary on midshipmen in the Australian Navy would probably be less painful.  Nevertheless, I decided to press on, only in the hopes that something funny enough to blog about would happen.  Or that Blonde and Blonder would have sex in a shower somewhere.  Hey, what can I say?  I'm a lonely woman.  This was the next piece of dialogue I heard:

"You better let me into those Goddamn elevators!"

"I'm sorry sir - women only."

Umm, heck yes.  16 and Pregnant kind of freaks the shit out of me, but it's movies like this which make me realise just how thankful I am to have a vagina.  As far as I'm concerned - after things like Titanic and Poseidon - you'd have to be pretty stupid to get on a cruiseship anyway, but they should have signs on the lifeboats that you see as soon as you board:
Next time I looked up, Bitchy Hostess's Bitchy Friend had been stabbed in the chest with something that looked like a rubber spatula.  Baking cakes has never been so fun!  She, Hostess and Hollywood Hottie are somehow trapped in an elevator as the ship sinks around them.  The Hostess gets on the phone to her Dad (who turns out to be one of the snow-nerds), and informs him of their predicament.  His response?

"Honey...stay away from the lifeboats!"

Right.  Uhh, yeah, okay.  I decided the Dad (respected snow-nerd though he is) must be almost completely, how do you say it?  Fucking retarded.  Stay away from the lifeboats?  How is that an appropriate response to "I'm trapped in the elevator of a sinking ship with some hot blonde guy and my annoying friend who's been stabbed in the chest with a kitchen utensil"?  That's like me calling my Dad to tell him my car has broken down and him warning me not to ride any bikes home.
So I gave up.  When the family on TV shows a greater level of stupidity than my own family, I know there's pretty much no hope left.  I'm not entirely sure what happened at the end.  I think The Bitchy Friend died from spatula-related complications.


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