I've found a hero

"One of the 24 similarities between women and fish is that they are both attracted to shiny things. Honestly, don't you ever read my blog?"

- Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother

WARNING

ok
ive said it before
and - because im too much of a complete moron to take my own advice - ill say it again

dont
dont
ever think you can drink three litres of diet coke just before bedtime and get away with it.
oh it seemed like a perfectly good idea at the time. practically ingenius, really.
but now its 5 in the morning and im yet to get to sleep because:
a) i am totally jacked up on caffeine
b) i have to get up every 8 seconds to pee

literally. ive been to the toilet so many times tonight that theres hardly any point in me bothering to wear pants because as soon as i put them back on, its time to take them off again.
luckily no other members of my family joined me in my crusade to consume every drop of diet coke in the house, so everyone else is to deep in sleep to notice me.
except for my cat, who is giving me a look thats one third amusement, one third disgust and one third pity.
whatever.

Lord Howe

so ive been back from lord howe for almost a week but - so sue me - i had better and MORE IMPORTANT things to do than sit around and blog.
ok.
that was a blatant lie.
i was just too lazy.
BUT. i did work for one day. wednesday.
and then on thursday i had to go to the bank. by the way, sidebar: banks are a totally grown-up and scary feature of life that i have no plans to make contact with again any time in the near future. I mean. It was so QUIET in there. Not to mention nearly everyone was wearing a suit. Even the GIRLS. Needless to say, I felt a tad out of place in my un-ironed guns n roses tshirt and a pair of blue shorts. Thank goodness I rememeberd to put shoes on. Whatever.

Where was I?
Oh yes. Lord Howe.
Basically it was the same blissful story as it is every year: 10 days of me and julia lying side by side on a sandy white beach listening to john mayer and justin timberlake and reading terrible trashy novels and magazine articles about the many ways in which Australians are slowly killing themselves (I swear if it wasnt sunbaking it was a poor diet or being a work-a-holic or, i dont know, standing too close to the microwave while you're heating up a criossant or whatever).

Oh. Also Eric Bana was there again. He stopped by our table at dinner on the first night to say hello and welcome us back. No big deal. I mean we are practically family at this point. I expect he'll make a personal dedication to us during his next award acceptance.
Yes.
Yes I am a giant giant dork.
And you love it.

What else? Oh I'm pretty sure the hotel we stay at is a certified fat farm, only not the kind that makes you lose weight, but the kind that feeds you and feeds you and feeds you until you can't even fit into maternity clothes let alone the eensy-weensy teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini you brought with you, only you dont really care because that mango cheesecake was just too damn good to resist. Oh baby.

Also Julia, Leigh and myself formed a band, so creatively named 'Mating in the shallows', and then discovered that the lyrics of our songs fore-told the future.
Eh hem.
For example, soon after the third or fourth rendition of our original hit 'Catherine got eaten by a shark', my sister Catherine was...shall we say...confronted?..by a shark while snorkeling. Which was of course hilarious to those of us who hadnt yet entered the water, and not so hilarious to those whose snorkelling goggles had fogged up so bad that they were unable to see that the shark was now heading in their direction.

I've just had a thought. Does anyone even read this anymore?
ha
haha

summing up 2007

GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT Ring?
nope

LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
a bag from julia

EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?
many a time

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
when was the first time?

THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?
clothes. woopsie.

LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
sultana bran

FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
how tall they are

ONE FAVORITE SONG?
off the wall - michael jackson

WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
longueville

HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:
roseville :)

CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
optus

FAVORITE MALL STORE:
meh

LONGEST JOB YOU HAD:
at bakers delight

DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
probably

DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?:
occasionally

LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:
naomi and tims!!

LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND:
last night

FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
sushi world

BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:
im thinking miss shanahans story about her eyeball falling out or whatever

WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
wherever

CAN YOU COOK?
a little something something

WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?:
a big wheel

LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:
the last time i watched moulin rouge

MOST DISLIKED FOODS:
christmas pudding and fish

THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
hmmm...

THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
the way i get addicted to things too easily

LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?:
10 hours

FAVORITE MOVIE?
dirty dancing

CAN YOU SING?
ha!

LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?
snow patrol

LAST MOVIE RENTED:
factory girl

ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:
Sucre

FAVORITE vacation spot
lord howe

LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:
yeesum

FAVORITE COMEDIAN?:
that guy from Hickery. ha

DO YOU SMOKE?
ew no

SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?
with

WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?:
no one. im a bed hog.

DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?:
how would i know

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?
never :)

PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
french toast

DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?:
nope. ew.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
not near me

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?:
nope

LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?:
casey

LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?:
catherine

WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?:
a new years one from madi

NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:
3

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:
pajamas

PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC:
tonight, gotta leave that 9 to 5 up on the wall, and just enjoy yourself

WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?:
ew. ew ew ew

CAN YOU PLAY POOL?:
badly

CAN YOU SWIM?
yep

FAVORITE ICE CREAM?:
cookies and cream

DO YOU LIKE MAPS?
what?

TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:
christmas is my favourite day of the year

EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?:
yep

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON
summer

LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?
last night

WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ?
nine

BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?:
coats

LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?:
i dont drive

NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?:
peter

DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?:
um. wat?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND??
whatever

BIRTHDATE
10th march

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE:
forever young

ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?:
yep

ARE YOU SMILING?:
i am now

DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW
yep

IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
panama

ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?:
not anymore

DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?:
i do

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
wentworth

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?:
which one?

DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?:
nope

DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?:
yep

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?:
like i would after watching titanic. oh, and that poseidon movie

DO YOU HAVE A SISTER
i do

ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?:
i am

ARE YOU IN LOVE?:
a little bit

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL?
yep

DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?
kind of

WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING?
earrings

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY?
watch the simple life. so sue me, its hilarious!

jackiiscrazy.blogspot.com on TV

didnt i tell you it would happen one day?

http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-au&showPlaylist=true&playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:3550cb8d-820c-4336-9e63-0598ba9e17ef

check at 14 seconds.
and this was ACTUALLY on tv
*dies with excitement*

shower thoughts #26

WHY does the john west tuna ad have to be SO SCARY?
seriously
SERIOUSLY
have you SEEN it?
the one with the sharks? its just an ad for tuna. TUNA. most people dont even like tuna. in fact, im pretty sure that apart from mel and my mum, nobody actually buys tuna anymore, unless, you know, its for their pet cat.
so why would the tuna people make their commercial so attention-grabbingly scary?? THEY DONT NEED TO GRAB ANYONE'S ATTENTION.
and why?
BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT NOBODY EATS TUNA.
...
INCLUDING THE JOHN WEST PEOPLE.
so they should KNOW that there's no point in trying to grab people's attention, because as soon as they start paying attention, they will realise its just an ad for tuna, and they'll go 'ew, tuna' and then what will they do?
STOP PAYING ATTENTION
unless they're me, and they become so transfixed by the terrifying concept of a man on a boat surrounded by sharks who is sure to be killed when the sharks leap out of the water and onto the boat, because they are being driven into a hunger-frenzy by the tuna he's eating.
sigh.
you know what i bet in the ad, the guy isnt even eating tuna.
its probably some tuna-substitute, which sounds completely disgusting, but when you think about it, there really isnt anything as disgusting as tuna, so tuna-substitute cant be that bad.
OH
and i just thought of something else
WHY WOULD PEOPLE BUY TUNA IF IT MEANS THEY ARE GOING TO BE ATTACKED BY SHARKS???
because thats pretty much what the john west people are saying will happen if you eat john west tuna. you know. every shark in the world will smell the tuna from inside your tummy, and they will go wild with hunger and desire for the tuna (ew) and will hunt you down until they find you, kill you and eat you.
and, subsequently, the tuna.

seriously, john west. put that in your pipe and smoke it.

yeah, so i just got done watching Dante's Peak, one of those truly nineties-style cinematic gems, where the basic plotline goes something like guy meets girl/guy likes girl/guy discovers girl has two illegitimate but perfectly charming children/guy proceeds to 'woo' said girl but is interrupted by discovery of charred corpses in local hot springs, and, later on, explosion of volcano situated on edge of town where story is taking place.
oh. so good. so so good.
and it wasnt just the ridiculously over-acted storyline. i think the fact that the movie also featured an eleven year old boy driving a car, a lake being transformed into pure acid, the complete destruction of the town within the first 40 minutes, and a mangy half-starved dog somehow able to escape from a house surrounded by liquid hot magma that put the icing on the cake.
i also loved the moment where, upon the initial explosion of the volcano, several cars parked outside the towns high school spontaneously burst into flame. completely understandable, of course.
whatever. now im sitting here, watching old prison break re-runs and drooling over wentworth, thinking its probably time that i got up and had a shower.
oh. wentworth just came back on the screen.
maybe five more minutes.

catch up

so.
its been a while since i could be bothered to drag my sorry butt over to the computer and re-count the ridiculously exaggerated events that take place in my life.
therefore i give you, a summary:

• lake mac

which basically involved 11 insane teenage girls inhabiting a house for a week, and attempting to make as much noise, eat as much chocolate, sunbake for as many hours, dance as many dances and watch as many chic flicks as possible. excellent

• schoolies

terrible nachos. melbourne boys. sunbaking. sauna. naked julia. wet and wild. channel v. all nighters. piercings. the best time of our lives.

• i got a job

for a week. but still. i dont think any of us imagined i would join the wonderful world of work after that stint at bakers delight (although working at a bakery did allow me to think of what is possibly my most ingenious creation to date: chocolate chip scones dipped in icing, rolled in sprinkles and microwaved for 15 seconds. bliss)

• new phone?

yes. yes! well no, not yet. but on thursday (thursday the day which is like any other normal day and has nothing to do with results WHATSOEVER) possibly i may actually come into possession of a phone that actually functions.

thats it. apart from OHMIGOSH the fact that there is now A PRISON BREAK RIDE at luna park.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

shower thoughts #25

oh my gosh.
oh my gosh.

uai
UAI
UAI

also. gossip girl might just be one of the best shows ever.

top ten

Top Ten things we've learnt from watching Home and Away

10. It is always summer in Australia

9. If there is a party on the beach, everyone will be drunk within 8 minutes of arrival

8. If you live in Summer Bay and happen to stumble upon some legal troubles, there is no need to worry, because the sister of the surf club president is always coincidentally in town whenever somebody goes to court, and she is a judge

7. It is perfectly normal for devastating cyclones to target (and destroy only) specific beach towns

6. If somebody new arrives in town, it is most likely that they are either related to you, or a convicted murderer

5. Paralysis can be easily overcome, as long as your nurse is an attractive single mother who desperately needs protection from her violent ex-husband

4. One night stands always result in pregnancy

3. If you have a twin sister who doesn't really look like you, its probably because she and your actual twin were accidentally switched at birth

2. Don’t get married. You will either divorce, be shot and killed by a crazy drug addict, or fail to turn up to the wedding at all

and the number one thing we've learned from watching home and away???

1. There’s no need to fear death. In all likeliness, you’ll just come back to life in a few weeks anyway

oh yeah and i forgot to say...

i finished that hsc
yay me!

so that's where i get it from

so catherine and i just got back from lane cove, and i came upstairs to find my mother (about whose crazy antics im sure you've all heard by now) wrapped in a blanket, sitting on the couch watching some ancient movie which wouldn't have held my attention for more than one second apart from the fact that its about prison, and anybody who's anybody knows that anything about prison will catch my eye on account of the fact that prison break (starring wentworth miller, more commonly known as my future husband) is my all time favourite show. of all time. ever.

anyway. after a few more seconds i realise this movie isnt just about prison.
its about breaking out of prison.
a prison BREAK, if you may.

huh? huh?
this needed investigation:

jacki: (innocently) oh, so whats this you're watching?
mum: The Great Escape
jacki: it looks old
mum: it is old
jacki: whats it about?
mum: its about a group of americans who escape from a german prisoner of war camp during the second world war...wait maybe a mixture of british and americans. anyway. its, like, the best movie ever. AND its got steve mcqueen in it!
jacki: who?
mum: steve mcqueen
jacki: who's that?
mum: (sounding outraged that i dont know) a famous actor!
jacki: is he good looking?
mum: please. he's like the Wentworth Miller of the 1970's

ok.
ok.
OH
MY
GOSH

MY MUM HAS A WENTWORTH MILLER?
more importantly...
MY MUM KNOWS WHO WENTWORTH MILLER IS???
on second thought, i suppose thats actually a given, considering how much i talk about him, especially (for some reason) at the dinner table.
but still...
is this where i got that burning passion that resides deep within my loins, telling me that wentworth and i were made for each other? from my MOTHER?!
who knew family discussion time could be so entertaining?
of course i had to correct my mum straight away
you know, because you cant just go around saying someone is the wentworth miller of the seventies or whatever.
you cant compare regular people to wentworth. he's just too amazing.

why why why is it that im so close to the end, yet it still feels a dillion years away???
probably because i spend more time looking at the clock and listening to crappy music from the 80's than i do studying.
WHATEVER
shouldnt my lack of knowledge and utter panic that ill get into the final exam and be able to think of nothing but the fact that Wentworth Miller's middle name is Earl (Earl. ahaha) make the hours go faster? or at least more bareable???
who am i kidding. nothing is bareable when im stuck in here attempting to memorise the methodology of Thucydides and catherine is sitting on the other side of the door watching Will Ferrell movies and eating chinese food for lunch.
...
i wonder how long it will take me to figure out exactly how many hours i have left until i finish the HSC. maybe by the time i work it out it will be time to go to bed, and ill be that much closer to the finish line.
ok here goes..
...
...
damn i finished already! and it only took...DAMMIT! one minute and 14 seconds! are you kidding me??!!
if only it werent for the technology of calculators and such, id probably be struggling with remainders and carrying the one or whatever for at least an hour. but oh no. some genius had to go invent a calculator. thanks alot.

how ironic that i wasnt really that big of a procrastinator until the HSC actually started.
ok i lied. i was always a procrastinator.
but, as i sit here and, rather than doing something studious like reading about Pompeii and Herculaneum in the pre-79AD era, flip between old re-runs of Gilmore Girls and that terrible scene in High School Musical 2 where Troy dances on the golf course, i realise ive officially sunk to a new level of procrastination.
and let me tell you, it feels phenomenal.
possibly even better than the liberation that came from watching 'Prison Break with RUBBER DUCKS' on youtube the night before my hsc maths exam.

yeah. actually that probably wasnt the best idea. still. its always useful to have something to replay over and over in your mind should you finish an exam 15 minutes early.

blah blah blah, i cant be bothered to type anything else and since i doubt any of you will read this until the HSC is officially over, by which time we all would have died of old age, nobody will suffer from my lack of blog.
at least hopefully not
until next time!

Shower Thoughts #24

Which is more concerning?

The fact that I care more about whether or not Sara will die on the next episode of Prison Break than the HSC, or the fact that I think I have nothing better to do than ask myself this question?

prison break

proving, one again, that my favourite show isnt just the best show on television because of my future husband:

oh. oh.

sensational

hmmm
basically im just killing time until Heroes comes on, which is officially like, my 4th favourite tv show, even though there are now so many characters (several of whom dont even speak english) that it doesnt really make sense anymore.
like i care! did i stop watching Lost after that polar bear appeared for the third time without explanation? i most certainly did not!
anyway the point is, ive had a fairly not-so-great night, mostly on account of the fact that as i was enjoying my shower just 20 minutes ago, mother nature decided to kick me in the crotch, and a thunderstorm started.
...
which might not sound like a big deal, but anybody who knows me knows very well that there are few things on this earth that freak me out more than thunder. one of them is giant cockroaches, and the other is my sister Catherine during one of her rage blackouts. but apart from those, thunderstorms are the worst.
so as soon as the thunder started, my plan to dance-the-time-til-heroes-away-in-the-shower-with-the-help-of-my-trusty-dolphin-shaped-shower-radio was immediately thwarted, and the only thing left to do was run out of the shower, dry myself as quickly as possible, grab the dog from where he was cowering in fear under the coffee table, and my computer, and get under the doona in my bed, where im currently writing this blog.

argh! more thunder!
and theres still 16 minutes til Heroes.

bogon moths

Jacki: (panting) mum! mum! you know those crazy-freaky moths you love so much???
Mum: (sighs) I dont love them, i just think they're nice
Jacki: whatever! what're they called again?
Mum: Bogon moths?
Jacki: I just got attacked by one!
Mum: You got attacked by one??!!
Jacki: Yeah!! In the shower!
Mum: What?
Jacki: Yeah! I dont know what happened! Everything was going great, i was shampooing, you know how i love shampooing, and all of a sudden, there it was! Buzzing around my head like one of those giant flying nazguls from Lord of the Rings. Ok. I've got to stop watching Lord of the Rings. But still!
Mum: Hmm. Thats nice.
Jacki: Hello??!! Did you not hear me? The buzzing? The freaking out? The shampooing interruption? The Lord of the Rings reference? - and i know how much you hate those.
Mum: Jacki its just a moth
Jacki: Just a moth? JUST a moth? I dont think so!
Mum: (sounding bored) Is that so, hmmm
Jacki: I'm telling you, it was huge. Bigger than huge. Colossal! Bigger than colossal! Gigantor!
Mum: (teasing) Not bigger than gigantor?
Jacki: MUM!
Mum: Just go finish your shower
Jacki: Oh no. I cant go back in there now! In fact, i may not ever be able to go back in there! I'm telling you, I havent been this scared of showers since I saw Psycho
Mum: You've never seen Psycho
Jacki: No, but i saw the dvd cover in blockbuster this one time, and i -
Mum: Just go and finish your shower!
Jacki: No! Ok, i havent been this scared of showers...ever!
Mum: What about the time you thought funnel web spiders lived in the sewers and one was going to crawl up the drain and bite the bottom of your foot while you were in the shower?
Jacki: Ok, apart from that.
Mum: What about the time you were afraid to have hot showers in case the mirror steamed up and the ghosts would be able to write threatening notes to you on it?
Jacki: Mum, come on, I was 8!
Mum: What about the time you were convinced that every time you closed your eyes in the shower, the freaky naked princess murderer from Thirteen Ghosts would appear and try to kill you?
Jacki: Enough woman! Look all im saying is i dont think you should be so loving towards those moths anymore, since one of them tried to kill your only daughter
Catherine: Hey!
Jacki: Sorry. Favourite daughter.
Mum: Fine
Jacki: Fine
Mum: Fine
Jacki: Fine!

..
the most pathetic thing about me is: the highlight of my week was being attacked by a moth in the shower.

so
as of this moment, im lying on my bed, watching my cat snuggle into the green pillows on my window box, ignoring the disgustingly hot gale-force winds outside which will probably rip the roof off my house at any second, and thinking about how sucky is it that i only have 8 minutes and 40 seconds left of 'study break time'.

ew.
ew.
i loath the HSC with every fibre of my being.

stu vac or whatever the proper terminology for this crappy excuse of a holiday is

ok. ok. ok
first of all, its been way too long since i sat down at my computer and typed out anything that was in no way related to the HSC.
ok, i lied.
its been too long since i sat down at my computer and typed out anything.
that wasnt to do with wentworth miller.
or prison break.
or the fact that i am in love with wentworth miller.
and prison break.
...
whatever.
and second of all, i think you should all take your hands off the mouse or keys or screen (should you have some weird fetish where you have to touch the screen of your computer) and give a round of applaus.
applause? aplause?
and clap.
because this week something incredible happened. I ACTUALLY DID STUDY!
i know its hard to believe, but its the truth. in between the sunbaking, the trips to lane cove shops, the prison break/lord of the rings/crappy horror movie marathons and constant dashes across the road for more jelly beans and red bull, i managed to sit down and write out some notes.

whether or not i actually retained any of that information? well, only the moment where i sit down to my first exam (english? thats just cruel), open the booklet and have a mental breakdown will tell.
oh. home and away.
until next time!