My apartment has been like a hot box of bacterial infection for the past week and a half. Sexy, I know. Being that I drink too much coffee, don't eat enough apples, and (at 21) am still the kind of idiot who likes to put her immune system to the test by swimming in the rain and piercing my own ears with a sewing kit, I'm never really surprised when I get struck down with something like a cold. Thankfully, that's all I had this time; a common cold. Nothing 2 days on the couch watching Jersey Shore and snacking on Codral tablets won't fix. Poor Alex though, was another story. I won't go into all the gory details now, but there were words like 'contagious' and 'viral' and 'tonsils' being thrown around. Yes, Alex is suffering from Contagious Viral Tonsils. Her tonsils have officially gone viral. We are expecting them to appear on YouTube any day now.
What a terrible joke.
Anyway. Thankfully, Alex's Mum is a brilliant herbalist and Richie's Mum is a brilliant nurse, and the two of them joined forces to save us from certain death. Or - at the very least - a serious case of the runny noses. Within hours of Alex's diagnosis, the apartment was stocked with rosehip tea and lemon, garlic capsules, herbal remedies and chocolate mousse (a well known cure for Contagious Viral Tonsils). I did my part by stopping at our local health food store and asking if they had "some of that magic honey that can, like, practically bring people back from the dead."
It was good with the tea.
Being sick sucks for lots of reasons, but here is the top of my list:
- The sneezing
I CAN'T SNEEZE
Alright, an exaggeration. I can sneeze. I just don't do it the way you're supposed to. Ask anyone. No, scratch that. Ask my sister Catherine, who has been teasing me about this for as long as I can remember. Although really it's less 'teasing' and more 'warning me that if I keep sneezing the way I am, I'm going to burst all the blood vessels in my face'.
She's never one to shy away from a painfully graphic description, my sister.
I know you're probably wondering what the hell I'm going on about...but it's hard to describe, this bizarre sneezing technique of mine. It's like something happens between the ahh..and the CHOO!, that causes me to (involuntairly) press my tongue really hard against the roof of my mouth; like it's trying to force the sneeze back into my nose or something. God, even my tongue has behavioral issues. Regardless, it works. So while it sounds like a regular sneeze, nothing ever comes out of my nose. This whole method has the added benefit of ensuring that I never spray snot over anyone, or need a tissue. Plus it doesn't irritate my nose ring. The only downside, really, is that I'm possibly giving myself a miniature brain embolism every time I do it.
Well...you gotta die somehow.
So, hmm, what else? Oh! Masterchef! I'm going to make this quick though, because I've got a load of washing on. And because I know that my extreme love of Masterchef can sometimes cause people to tear their own ears off. So to keep things brief...
Congratulations Kate. I thought you were good, even if my Mum only considered you a less charasmatic version of herself. Don't worry, even she had to admit you can cook better. Michael, I think you're cute. Not 'Hayden' cute, more 'My Dog Oscar' cute. 'My Dog Oscar Without A Beard, Or Cataracts'. Hayden, call me. Matt Preston, I will cook dinner for you any day of the week...as long as you don't mind that we'll be eating toast. And that snowman dessert thing looked incredible. Masterchef rules. Masterchef RULES.
Oh, and PS, who let Cheating Matt back in to watch the finale? Surely he could have just downloaded it on his smartphone.