I'm kidding of course. Read it, read it all! Then come back and read it again! And would it kill you to click on some of those stupid ads? I don't care if they do fill your computer with viruses and spyware, I make like 4 whole cents each time!
Okay, Mother's Day. Holy shit, what do I get my mother? I hope she's not reading this right now. I could just ask her what she wants, but I already know what the answer will be:
Mum: I want you to stop mentioning me on that damn blog! You make your father and I seem like a pair of insane technologically-challenged pensioners! And yes, I did read the post about Mother's Day. You moron.
While I love my Mum and am usually quite keen to grant any specific Mother's Day wishes she might have, I can't afford to stop blogging about her and Dad. Are you kidding? They're like half my act! Those two are a goldmine. What other aspiring comedic authors do you know that grew up with a Mum who wouldn't stop talking about a gay iceskater and a Dad who man-crushed on Heath Ledger? I'm lucky to have them and I know it.
If I ever have kids, I'm going to tell them not to buy me anything for Mother's Day - their gift to me will just be leaving me the fuck alone for 24 straight hours. No, I joke. Kids are great. Most people think I'm anti-children, but it's not true. I'm not against kids, I just don't like the idea of my kids. I'm afraid they'll grow up to be a bunch of overly-energetic weirdos who watch too much TV and publish details of their parents private lives on the internet for millions of people to see. Kind of like me, I suppose.
Have you ever had that dream where you're pregnant? I have. I know for sure I'm not ready for kids right now because every time I wake up and realise I don't have a baby, my face goes like this:
Last night I had a dream about building a house, which was even more boring than it sounds. It was disappointing because usually my dreams (or as I like to call them, 'Sleep Escapades') are awesome. One of the craziest I've ever had (I'm sure I've blogged about this before) was about how I got cloned, and then took myself as a date to my own highschool formal. That was probably the biggest mindfuck I've ever experienced. Maybe not the biggest. Top 10 for sure. And my dreams are usually pretty adventurous. You know; action packed. Exciting. I dream about dinosaurs a lot. And deep-sea fishing. Hang-gliding...off Mount Everest...in a pair of short-shorts...while the theme to Star Wars plays in the background. Eat your heart out Indiana Jones, is basically what I'm trying to say. Oh my God, how long have I been talking about this? I think that's all the blog you're going to get for this week, folks. My apologies. I should have stopped at Mother's Day.