Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The End Of The World As We Know It

Here's how I feel about the Zombie Apocalypse.
Oh, wait.  You guys heard about this, right?  If you read you would have.  I'm not saying I read (especially not at work), but I knew about it.  This is the lowdown:
So you know the whole 2012-Mayan-End-Of-The-World business?  Apparently that was supposed to happen on Saturday night.  Or at least, some crazy guy said it was.  Sorry, did I say 'crazy guy'?  No, what I really meant was 'talented astronomy scholar who's spent the past 11 years studying planet alignment and hidden messages of the Bible'.
Crazy guy.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking astronomy or planets or even the idea of the Bible being one giant subliminal message - what really ruins this dudes credibility is that part of his End Of The World prediction involved all the good children going to heaven, all the bad children going to hell, and all the dead children returning to wander the earth for all eternity.
Or something.
It's the Zombie Apocalypse!
I wasn't really bothered by this prophecy.  I don't know how to explain this, but the end of the world doesn't really scare me.  Mostly because I've seen enough zombie movies to feel pretty confident in my abilities to fight off at least one gang of them:

And also because even if I am going to hell...I have a feeling I'll be seeing a lot of you there.

If the world had ended on Saturday, I would have been pretty annoyed for two reasons:  First of all, I had to work on Saturday.  I love my job, but really?  I want to spend my last moments making coffee or washing someone elses hair?  I think not.  And secondly, I didn't even get to move into my new apartment yet.  Fine, fine, the Rapture has to happen at some point...I'd just appreciate it if God waited until AFTER I've jumped on the bed and cooked in the kitchen.  Is that totally blasphemous?  So sue me.  It's a really nice kitchen.

What actually weirded me out about this whole apocalypse prediction thing is that I'd been thinking a lot about the end of the world recently; remember my dream about the multiple tsunamis?  AND I watched 2012 the other day.  FYI, it's shit.  It's a shit movie.  Even if you love End Of The World movies.  Even if you love John Cusack.  I love John Cusack, but even he couldn't save this movie for me.  You are all better off watching something more intellectual, like Strictly Ballroom.  Or Jackass.
The best thing about 2012 is that eventually, it ends.  And then you can get back to watching Grey's Anatomy or whatever.  So here is my question:  Why are End Of The World movies always so terrible?  My theory is that there are simply too many of them; one might be okay, two might be tolerable...but there are a dillion.  That is no exaggeration.  There are a dillion End Of The World movies.  And they're all pretty much the same.  They neutralize each other.  Maybe 'neutralize' isn't the right word.  They cancel each other out?  Make each other redundant?  Basically all I'm trying to say is that you watch one, then another, then another, then another, and then suddenly it's the Rapture and the world really is ending, only you don't care because you already killed yourself to avoid seeing another movie like The Day After Tomorrow.
Even if Jake Gyllenhaal is totally hot.

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