Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Things we learn when holidaying at Lord Howe Island

Hot road + bare feet = bad idea
Funny. I'm not sure how many times I have to subject the soles of my feet to vicious heat-induced blisters before I really figure this one out. No, really. I mean it. Whenever I'm about to walk 3km along a tar sealed road with no shoes on, I hear two things in my head. One, the voice of reason: "Find a pair of shoes. I beg of you, please. Please keep in mind what happened last time. Please keep in mind that your feet are made of delicate human flesh, and nothing more. Please keep in mind that if you don't get off your lazy ass and find a pair of shoes before you walk along that road, I will transfer into another human body and kill you myself."
And two, the - far more dominant - voice of procrastination:
"Ah, screw it. You don't need shoes. What's the worst that could happen?"

There is no such thing as a comfortable bike seat
So apparently the bicycle was invented in 1817. That's, what, 192 years ago? And they couldn't have come up with something more comfortable in that time? Honestly, sitting bare-assed in a pit of syringes would probably feel better than getting back on a bike - I never thought, in my whole life, that I'd have to endure taking my undies off with a pair of tweezers.

If you have to ask the waiters to remove the nuts from a particular meal, its probably not going to taste good
I don't know what it was, but I've never had so much bad luck with Pinetrees lunches in my whole life. Ok, let me explain. Pinetrees, the hotel we stay at every year, offers 2 different options for every meal. And for basically the first week of my holiday, BOTH options contained nuts. No, really. BOTH. So here is the rest of my family, enjoying Thai kingfish curry and tandoori chicken, and I'm pleading with the waitress for "the roasted beetroot and hazelnut salad without the hazelnuts, or hazelnut vinaigrette".

Maybe spiders DO hate Julia more than me
Ok. I know! I never thought I'd be speaking - or, rather, typing - those words. But in my room, we only experienced one spider attack in ten days. And while I did consider it fairly traumatising (that spider was almost 5cm wide!!), I do admit it was nothing compared to the family of dinner-plate sized Huntsman's who decided to construct their nest in Julia's bathroom cupboard.

My sister Catherine can actually read
Geez - who'd of thought? All these years, here I was thinking she was a closet illiterate. And it turns out that she simply doesn't like to read. Wait, scrap that. Didn't like to read. Of course, since I introduced her to the wonder that is The Twilight Series, she's become as infatuated with Edward Cullen as the rest of us. Oh, and even better - I've finally found someone who loathes Jacob Black as much as I do!!

Cockroaches can fly
Did anyone else not know this? Ok, I'm probably an idiot. But I had NO idea that cockroaches even had wings, let alone the ability to fly. And this is what happened when I found out:
Jacki: (Walks into bathroom to change into bikini, pauses, and then emits what can only be described as a cross between a wail and a shout) Ah!!
Mum: What?
Jacki: (Running out of bathroom) Cockroach! Big! Big cockroach!
Mum: (Sighing impatiently) Where?
Jacki: Above the door! Please, please get it out!
Mum: Jacki, just deal with it.
Jacki: But Mum -
Mum: It won't hurt you! Now hurry up and get changed.
Jacki: (Sulking) Fine. (Walks back into bathroom, strips down, and reaches across bathroom for bikini, which is hanging on a towel rack. Suddenly, the cockroach takes flight, aiming straight - and I kid you not - for my face) AAAAAHHHH!! (Yeah. This time it was a full-on scream)
Mum: (From outside the bathroom) Oh, for Heaven's sake. What now?
Jacki: (Near hysteria) You said! You said it wouldn't attack me!
Mum: (Speaking over the sound of my dad and sister absolutely pissing themselves) It attacked you?
Jacki: My face!! Oh, it attacked my face!
Catherine: Well then come outside!
Jacki: I haven't got any pants on!!
And so on and so-forth.

And thats it.
Stay tuned for next year.

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