Sunday, October 02, 2011

The Fallback Plan

I'm interested to see how having an actual computer in our apartment will go.  Our internet reception is pretty shithouse.  What?  Yes.  You would think this to be annoying, but I disagree.  Slow internet reception has its perks:
1) It totally puts a lock on my drunk internet shopping habit.  And
2) Having the archives page on my blog load so slowly kind of makes me feel famous.  Right?  Because so many people are trying to look at it?  Right?  There's no clearer indication of fame than a slow-loading archives page.  I'm just thinking of all those die-hard fans trying to read what I posted about men's underwear doubling as pajama pants back in 2009.  Man, I'm good.

Alright, topic change.
Can someone tell me what time it is?  The only clock I have in the house is my iPhone, and I don't know if it has the technology to update itself or not.  Fuck, I hate daylight saving.
Ahh, daylight saving, huh?  It's that time of year again.  I suppose it's a fairly simple process when you explain it, but daylight saving is one of those rare concepts that I just cannot wrap my head around.  Most people know this.  Probably because I announce it every year.  "Daylight saving is one of those rare concepts that I just cannot wrap my head around", I will say.  I'm paraphrasing.  Usually it's more like "I'm losing an hour of sleep tonight?  What the fuck?"
Like any person who is socially retarded, if there is something in this world that confuses me, I will try to strike up a conversation about it with as many people as possible.  I can hear you wondering if this ever goes well for me.  The answer is yes.  Except on days ending in 'y'.  Still, I have fun with it.  This is where having a job at a hairdresser comes in handy.  I see 8 dillion people a day, and I get to have the same conversation with all of them!  I know.  Leaving this job is going to be pretty hard.

Speaking of leaving my job...While I realise that's going to have to happen eventually, I'm at a bit of a loss as to what I'll do next.  I'm not one of these people whos greatest ambition in life is to have a career.  I'd like to dabble in a little of everything.  Within reason; obviously I won't be getting any work as say, a doctor.  Not until I finish watching the entire ER series box set.  I've got a lot of experience making coffee; maybe I could be a professional barrista.  My coffee's not that great though, so probably not.  I think it's my general lack of, um, skills that's holding me back.  I saw this motivational poster the other day that read something along the lines of...


No offence to Mr Motivation, but I respectfully disagree.  Really?  I believe in myself, and I can't do shit!
Wow, that was a poor choice of phrasing.  Anything.  I can't do anything.  Anything.
I'm not constipated.

Anywho.  All I can say, is thank God for my fallback plan, which has been the same thing since I was about 16.  It was around that time that I began to feel an inkling of my future as a talentless hack.  Way to go, 16-year-old me!  Could have been a psychic!  Also a lie.  If I actually had any psychic abilities, I might have been able to see that half the haircuts I've had in my lifetime weren't going to work out.

You know what I always thought would be fun?  Hosting a radio show.  I'm pretty unrealistic about it; I assume it's all fun and games and music and getting paid $17 million to take a 'gap year'.  But I definitely have a face for radio, which I'm sure will mean more to Nova or 2dayFM than any university degree.  Wait, scratch that.  I probably couldn't work for 2dayFM on account of them already having a Jacki on staff.  Even if she does spell her name with an e.  Maybe I could start my own radio station; all Queen hits, all the time.  With the occasional Journey song thrown in.  And sound bites of me reading excerpts from my own blog.  If I got to pick my own co-host, it would have to be either the dude who played Sandy Cohen on The OC, or Hugh Jackman.  Sandy seems like a chilled out guy, plus he's got great eyebrows.  Jackman would just sit in silence and give me something pretty to look at.
I also feel like I could probably do well on a reality show.  I've blogged about this before, but it's still true.  I've even got a sales pitch: a show where I sit on a couch getting drunk, watch a bunch of movies, and do the commentary for them.  Hilarious!  If Alex and Richie think it is, so will the rest of Australia.  I can't even tell you how much they enjoyed watching the last Lord of the Rings film with me.
Now that's a motivational poster I can get on board with.

Anyway, what was I talking about?  Oh, the fallback plan.  Foolproof.  So, when I'm done with hosting radio and starring on MTV - or on the off chance that whole doctor thing doesn't work out - I'll be moving to Panama and opening my own fruit shop.  I know, I know, I'm an idiot.  Whatever.  You'll all miss me when I'm gone.

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