Me: Hey, want to watch a movie?
Fiance: Let's watch Pitch Perfect again!!
Me: Who's your biggest celebrity crush?
Fiance: I don't know. It's so hard to choose between Hugh Jackman and Zac Efron.
Fiance: Hey can you buy yourself some satin underwear?
Me: I guess. Why, do you find them sexy?
Fiance: ...So I can try on a pair.
Fiance: Do you think I should get highlights?
Me: Do you ever wonder about like...the fact that you're in love with more male celebrities than female, or how obsessed you are with your own hair, or that time you asked me to buy satin panties so you could wear them yourself?
(Pause)
Fiance: Wanna go have sex?
Speaking of Fiance and I and the ways in which we ostracize ourselves from regular society, last Tuesday when Fiance woke up at 3:45 in the morning and went outside to have a cigarette, he happened to see two people stealing mail out of our apartment building letterbox.
...
For me, this is probably the 8th weirdest thing that has happened since I moved in here. Really, Coogee? Who gets up to steal mail from people at 4 in the morning? And what is the ratio of profitable letters to letters full of crap anyway? Probably one in six thousand? It is if you're stealing from my mailbox! There are much easier ways to make money. And whatever happened to common courtesy? When I lived in Lane Cove people never stole from each others' mailboxes. We just parked in each others car spots and tried to get each other evicted. Much more civilized.
Anyway, the thieves at our apartment. A regular couple might have, what, called the police? Tried to get a good look at them for a courtroom description? All I know is that the first thing Fiance did was rush into our bedroom and wake me up:
Fiance: Hey
Me: (Sleepily) Huh?
Fiance: Wanna go mess with people's lives?
Cut to the two of us, 4:30 in the morning, cruising around the streets of Coogee at 15km/h looking for these two dirtbags. And the weirdest part is, it was totally exciting! For the first 20 minutes. And then I developed an insane case of paranoia:
Me: What was that?
Fiance: What?
Me: I saw the guy!
Fiance: No you didn't.
Me: Yes I did! Look! LOOK, THERE HE IS!!
Fiance: Okay first, don't yell, you'll give away our position. Second, that is an 80-year-old woman.
Me: What are you going to say?
Fiance: What do you mean?
Me: I mean if you catch them! What are you going to say?
Fiance: I don't know. Um. "Please stop doing that"?
Me: WHAT!? You can't say THAT!! What if they have a gun!
Fiance: They don't have a gun.
Me: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!!
Fiance: Yes I do. I saw them at our apartment and they didn't have a gun. They didn't have room to hide one anyway.
Me: Okay...well what if they have a baseball bat?
Fiance: They don't have room to hide a gun, but a baseball bat? Sure.
Oh, and here's where I realised that Fiance had brought along the metal poles from our portable clothes line for 'protection':
Me: What are those?
Fiance: What are what?
Me: The poles from the clothes line.
Fiance: Yes, that's what they are.
Me: Why are they in the car?
Fiance: Just in case.
Me: Just in case of what?
Fiance: Just in case things get hostile.
Me: Hostile?
Fiance: Yeah.
Me: And do you think things might get hostile?
Fiance: I don't know. Maybe?
Me: WELL THEN WHY WOULD YOU BRING ME???
In the end I just kept making comments about the guy jumping out from nowhere and beating me to death through the car window until Fiance brought me home. We never caught the mailbox thieves, unfortunately. But I am thinking about installing a motion-sensor mailbox camera. Or some sort of bomb. I'm still throwing ideas around.
