Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.
Something wonderful has happened.
No, not wonderful. More wonderful than wonderful. What's more wonderful than wonderful? Terrific? Amazing? Magnificent? Fabulous? Disco Fabulous? Oh, yes, Disco Fabulous. I like that.
Where was I?
Oh. Oh! Yes.
Something Disco Fabulous has happened - my parents bought us an espresso machine.
Oh, my gosh, an espresso machine.
'Espresso Machine'. As in 'Machine That Makes Coffee'. I get that if you're a healthy non-coffee drinker, you probably won't care about this. But for an addict of caffeine in pretty much any form (and I mean real addict, I'll suck the dregs right out of a can of Red Bull any day of the week), this is - and I don't want to undersell this, so give me a moment to sort out my words...
...
THIS IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
With the exception of this dream I once had about Wentworth and me getting married and having a mint chocolate chip flavoured icecream wedding cake, and then dancing our first dance to Midnight Train by Journey, and him being taller than me even though I was wearing my highest heels.
But apart from that.
THIS IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
Do you know what this means? I can have coffee whenever I want, and however I want, and WHEREVER I want, thanks to this handy travel thermos mug I bought at the $2 shop underneath Coles today.
Dude. DUDE. I don't think I've ever been so excited - and not just because I came home to find the coffee machine at 2pm, and it's now 10 past midnight and I've had about 11 cups of coffee in that time.
11 cups of coffee baby! 11! Booyah! The hair is just about vibrating off my legs.
You know what though, it might actually be more than 11 - it's hard to count when you're having heart palpitations. Who knew you could get those from coffee? I sure didn't!
I named it of course. The espresso machine, I mean. I named it. Or her, I should say. She's Martha - after Martha Stewart, not Jodi Gordon's tortured character on Home and Away. My parents were confused as to why I didn't choose the name Wentworth. Sigh. Do they not understand anything? It went down like this:
Mum: You named it Martha?
Jacki: I named her Martha.
Dad: Why didn't you name it Wentworth?
Jacki: First of all, because she is a girl. And secondly, I can't name anything Wentworth, because then when Wentworth and I get married, it will be weird.
Right? And it WOULD be weird.
Anyway, speaking of my Dad...the way he reacted to Martha was probably one of the funniest things I have ever seen. He loves her. So much. I think too much. I think he loves her more than Catherine and I. She's like another daughter to him - a shiny, metal, noiseless daughter that cleans herself and dispenses coffee.
Huh.
No wonder he loves her more than Catherine and I.
Anyway, now I'm totally jacked up on caffeine, sitting here watching the Sex And The City Movie, and trying to decide what is more annoying: the fact that I've had the same Eminem song stuck in my head for the last 4 days, or Carrie Bradshaw wearing a pearl necklace to bed.
I think it's probably the pearl necklace thing. I mean, knowing a whole Eminem song off by heart might actually come in handy one day, like the next time I'm in a rap battle and can't think of any words. You never know, really. So thanks Eminem.
But wearing a pearl necklace to bed? That's just uncool.
On a completely different note, after watching Rove tonight, I've realised I might have a tiny crush on Bruno. Which seems kind of weird, since I'm not usually attracted to gay 3o-something-year-old Austrian fashion reporters with bleach blonde hair and waxed legs who wear jock straps on the outside of their jeans. Huh. Well, maybe it's just the coffee talking.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
And just like that, it turned into a great day
Holy crap.
Holy crap.
Today might - might - have been the best day of my life.
...
No, alright. That's a bit of an exaggeration. Still, it was a good day. A great day. Not so surprising, considering it was a wednesday - and anyone who knows me KNOWS that my favourite day of the whole week is wednesday, mostly on account of the whole 'once-wednesday-is-over-its-pretty-much-the-end-of-the-week-so-you-can-start-living-in-weekend-mode-again' factor, but also because when Prison Break was still on, it always aired on a Wednesday night.
Yeah. You might have noticed I typed that last 'wednesday' with a capital W.
Wednesday night. That's how much I love Wednesdays - so much, I'm going to start typing them with capital W's.
ALL.
THE TIME.
Anyway, that's not important. Let me tell you why today was so good:
First of all, Mum took Catherine and I to pret-a-portea at The Park Hyatt. It's like high tea, but they have a fashion show during it. PLUS since its at The Hyatt, there's valet for the car.
Oh, my gosh.
Valet.
Do you have any idea how uplifting it is to have a hot guy in a suit open the car door for you?
Dude.
So as if that wasn't enough, then there was French champagne, mini pastries baked by a Parisian chef, and a fashion parade that can only be described as awesome - and not just because one of the models had a totally hilarious bobble-head walk. Although that was a large part of it.
Haha.
Anyway. So Wednesday had already shaped up to be pretty flippin' sweet, as far as days in the life of Jacki Trew go. Then guess what happened? I WON A $300 VOUCHER FOR THE CHRISTOPHER HANNA HAIR SALON.
$300!
$300?
Holy crap! I don't think all the haircuts I've ever had in my LIFE would add up to $300. Mostly because I learnt from Mel a long time ago how to cut it myself over the sink. But still.
So yeah. That's how this Wednesday became a great day. Oh, except there's one more thing: I just got home from babysitting and guess what's on TV?
PRISON BREAK!
Repeats yeah, but hey, I'll take whatever I can get.
Huh.
Maybe this is the best day ever.
Holy crap.
Today might - might - have been the best day of my life.
...
No, alright. That's a bit of an exaggeration. Still, it was a good day. A great day. Not so surprising, considering it was a wednesday - and anyone who knows me KNOWS that my favourite day of the whole week is wednesday, mostly on account of the whole 'once-wednesday-is-over-its-pretty-much-the-end-of-the-week-so-you-can-start-living-in-weekend-mode-again' factor, but also because when Prison Break was still on, it always aired on a Wednesday night.
Yeah. You might have noticed I typed that last 'wednesday' with a capital W.
Wednesday night. That's how much I love Wednesdays - so much, I'm going to start typing them with capital W's.
ALL.
THE TIME.
Anyway, that's not important. Let me tell you why today was so good:
First of all, Mum took Catherine and I to pret-a-portea at The Park Hyatt. It's like high tea, but they have a fashion show during it. PLUS since its at The Hyatt, there's valet for the car.
Oh, my gosh.
Valet.
Do you have any idea how uplifting it is to have a hot guy in a suit open the car door for you?
Dude.
So as if that wasn't enough, then there was French champagne, mini pastries baked by a Parisian chef, and a fashion parade that can only be described as awesome - and not just because one of the models had a totally hilarious bobble-head walk. Although that was a large part of it.
Haha.
Anyway. So Wednesday had already shaped up to be pretty flippin' sweet, as far as days in the life of Jacki Trew go. Then guess what happened? I WON A $300 VOUCHER FOR THE CHRISTOPHER HANNA HAIR SALON.
$300!
$300?
Holy crap! I don't think all the haircuts I've ever had in my LIFE would add up to $300. Mostly because I learnt from Mel a long time ago how to cut it myself over the sink. But still.
So yeah. That's how this Wednesday became a great day. Oh, except there's one more thing: I just got home from babysitting and guess what's on TV?
PRISON BREAK!
Repeats yeah, but hey, I'll take whatever I can get.
Huh.
Maybe this is the best day ever.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Rove's Final Five, Originally Intended For...Shaun Micallef
Before I get to the final five, can I just say this might have been the weirdest Rove interview ever. I didn't get it. I so didn't get it. The singing? The awkward background laughter from the audience? The fact that Shaun was wearing cowboy boots with a suit?
Ah, well. Whatever. I can talk.
5. Would you happily end your career if it meant getting a free ute?
Well I would say yes, but I think in order to officially 'end' a career, you have to, you know, actually start one. Which I haven't done.
Yet.
Unless you consider totally adoring Wentworth Miller a career.
Huh. Probably not.
Still, I do love a good ute.
4. What was your nickname at school?
Alright. I'll answer this, but since I've already answered it at least twice before, I'm also going to give myself another question. So, my nickname at school was Jackass. And here's the real Question 4:
4. If they made your life into a movie, who would play you?
First of all, the question should not read 'if' they made my life into a movie, but 'when'. And secondly...well, I'd love to be able to say some beautiful and distinguished actress like Anne Hathaway or that French chick that made out with James Marsden in Flyboys. But knowing me - and my nose - it'd probably end up being Kevin Bacon in a wig. Or similar.
3. What's your favourite word?
I like the word 'love' way too much.
2. What's the most interesting thing about insurance law?
Um.
Nothing.
I'll tell you what's interesting, though: If you type 'wentworth millers birthday' into Google, mine is the first website that comes up. Huh. No way! Well, I guess that explains why so many foreigners left comments on my Happy Wentworth Miller's Birthday! post.
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Oh man. If I were five years younger, and he were five years older...It would be on. It would be so on.
Ah, well. Whatever. I can talk.
5. Would you happily end your career if it meant getting a free ute?
Well I would say yes, but I think in order to officially 'end' a career, you have to, you know, actually start one. Which I haven't done.
Yet.
Unless you consider totally adoring Wentworth Miller a career.
Huh. Probably not.
Still, I do love a good ute.
4. What was your nickname at school?
Alright. I'll answer this, but since I've already answered it at least twice before, I'm also going to give myself another question. So, my nickname at school was Jackass. And here's the real Question 4:
4. If they made your life into a movie, who would play you?
First of all, the question should not read 'if' they made my life into a movie, but 'when'. And secondly...well, I'd love to be able to say some beautiful and distinguished actress like Anne Hathaway or that French chick that made out with James Marsden in Flyboys. But knowing me - and my nose - it'd probably end up being Kevin Bacon in a wig. Or similar.
3. What's your favourite word?
I like the word 'love' way too much.
2. What's the most interesting thing about insurance law?
Um.
Nothing.
I'll tell you what's interesting, though: If you type 'wentworth millers birthday' into Google, mine is the first website that comes up. Huh. No way! Well, I guess that explains why so many foreigners left comments on my Happy Wentworth Miller's Birthday! post.
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Oh man. If I were five years younger, and he were five years older...It would be on. It would be so on.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Prepare your tastebuds
So today, in between finishing college assignments and watching episodes of Prison Break (did any of you really think the obsession would end just because the series did?), I invented a new flavour of pizza.
Yeah.
Suck it, Italy. There's a new chef in town!
Prepare your tastebuds for SPAGHETTI PIZZA.
That's right. Spaghetti Pizza.
Here's the recipe so you can try it for yourselves:
Ingredients:
Spaghetti
Pizza
Directions:
1. Combine ingredients
2. Eat
And I meant it when I said 'prepare your tastebuds'. You really need to. Because here's something I learned today: Spaghetti Pizza tastes like crap.
...
What's going on with me lately? I'm having serious food issues. And it's so not like me! I'm not saying I'm a genius or anything, but I can usually display enough intelligence to predict that pizza and spaghetti aren't going to mix well. And to tell the difference between human food and dog food. Oh, here's an update on that, by the way: It wasn't dog food, it was just really old chicken. Which might actually be worse, I'm not sure.
Yeah.
Suck it, Italy. There's a new chef in town!
Prepare your tastebuds for SPAGHETTI PIZZA.
That's right. Spaghetti Pizza.
Here's the recipe so you can try it for yourselves:
Ingredients:
Spaghetti
Pizza
Directions:
1. Combine ingredients
2. Eat
And I meant it when I said 'prepare your tastebuds'. You really need to. Because here's something I learned today: Spaghetti Pizza tastes like crap.
...
What's going on with me lately? I'm having serious food issues. And it's so not like me! I'm not saying I'm a genius or anything, but I can usually display enough intelligence to predict that pizza and spaghetti aren't going to mix well. And to tell the difference between human food and dog food. Oh, here's an update on that, by the way: It wasn't dog food, it was just really old chicken. Which might actually be worse, I'm not sure.
Monday, June 15, 2009
So I finally decided I needed to counteract all the sugar I've eaten today, and went in search of something savoury to eat. The only trouble was, it was almost midnight and the only respectable cook in this house (ie Mum) is asleep.
Huh.
Well, whatever, right? I've fended for myself on several occasions. And it's only ended in disaster once or twice. Anyway, I found something on a plate in the fridge that smelled vaguely like chicken, so I smothered it in tomato sauce and ate half of it, and now I feel kind of sick and I'm only just starting to wonder if it might have been dog food.
I'm hoping no.
It probably wasn't. I mean, why would the dog food have been in the fridge? That would be weird, right? Then again, there have been weirder things than dog food in our fridge - I found two Meningoccocal injection syringes in there once.
Huh.
Well, whatever, right? I've fended for myself on several occasions. And it's only ended in disaster once or twice. Anyway, I found something on a plate in the fridge that smelled vaguely like chicken, so I smothered it in tomato sauce and ate half of it, and now I feel kind of sick and I'm only just starting to wonder if it might have been dog food.
I'm hoping no.
It probably wasn't. I mean, why would the dog food have been in the fridge? That would be weird, right? Then again, there have been weirder things than dog food in our fridge - I found two Meningoccocal injection syringes in there once.
Sugar Coma
Aahhhhhh.
I'm giving birth to a food baby!
More specifically, a jellybean/freckle/smarties/sour worms/butter cake/lollypop/chocolate/cake frosting baby. Because that's all I've consumed today.
That, and cappuccinos.
Ohhhh my gosh. I'm torn between a super sugar high and what can only be described as crippling nausea. It's brilliant!
I should explain.
I don't usually eat this much crap in one day. I'm not disgusting, you know!
Ok, I'm disgusting. But not that disgusting.
Anyway, it was my sister's friend Daniel's birthday yesterday. No, okay, I'm gonna say it - he's my friend too!
So.
My sister and I have this friend Daniel, and it was his birthday yesterday. Can I have a moment here to totally FREAK OUT over how many people have had birthdays in the last 2 weeks? Can I? Can I?
Thanks.
*totally FREAKS OUT*
Anyway, Daniel's pretty cool, as far as people my sister has introduced me to go. I call him Milky - mostly because he has really really blond hair, but also because I just love saying the word 'milky'. Try it. It's fun. So Milky comes over sometimes and we bake brownies and watch movies and invent uber-exclusive clubs, where the only members are the two of us. Like, once we made a club for people who are super cool, and like to party.
It's called The Super Cool Party People. And no, you're not invited.
Wow, okay. I just realised this post is getting a little long-winded.
Long story short: Catherine and I made Milky a birthday cake.
No, that's not right.
It wasn't A birthday cake.
It was THE birthday cake.
Oh, hey. Here's a photo:
Yeah. Yeah. I know, right?
I chose a boat shape because Milky sails. So um, I figure he likes boats and stuff. Truth? I was going to make him a booby cake, but a) it's been done, and b) my last booby cake ended up looking like fried eggs, which wasn't that appetising.
Um, yes. So that's the story of how I ended up in a sugar coma. I totally recommend them, by the way.
Oh, and on another note, here's a photo of my cat, looking like a douche:
Hahaha.
I'm giving birth to a food baby!
More specifically, a jellybean/freckle/smarties/sour worms/butter cake/lollypop/chocolate/cake frosting baby. Because that's all I've consumed today.
That, and cappuccinos.
Ohhhh my gosh. I'm torn between a super sugar high and what can only be described as crippling nausea. It's brilliant!
I should explain.
I don't usually eat this much crap in one day. I'm not disgusting, you know!
Ok, I'm disgusting. But not that disgusting.
Anyway, it was my sister's friend Daniel's birthday yesterday. No, okay, I'm gonna say it - he's my friend too!
So.
My sister and I have this friend Daniel, and it was his birthday yesterday. Can I have a moment here to totally FREAK OUT over how many people have had birthdays in the last 2 weeks? Can I? Can I?
Thanks.
*totally FREAKS OUT*
Anyway, Daniel's pretty cool, as far as people my sister has introduced me to go. I call him Milky - mostly because he has really really blond hair, but also because I just love saying the word 'milky'. Try it. It's fun. So Milky comes over sometimes and we bake brownies and watch movies and invent uber-exclusive clubs, where the only members are the two of us. Like, once we made a club for people who are super cool, and like to party.
It's called The Super Cool Party People. And no, you're not invited.
Wow, okay. I just realised this post is getting a little long-winded.
Long story short: Catherine and I made Milky a birthday cake.
No, that's not right.
It wasn't A birthday cake.
It was THE birthday cake.
Oh, hey. Here's a photo:
Yeah. Yeah. I know, right?
I chose a boat shape because Milky sails. So um, I figure he likes boats and stuff. Truth? I was going to make him a booby cake, but a) it's been done, and b) my last booby cake ended up looking like fried eggs, which wasn't that appetising.
Um, yes. So that's the story of how I ended up in a sugar coma. I totally recommend them, by the way.
Oh, and on another note, here's a photo of my cat, looking like a douche:
Hahaha.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
10,000 BC
I watched 10,000 BC today.
Yeah.
Even though I was warned (firmly) by more than one person not to do so, I felt like I should give it a chance. Here was my reasoning:
Well anyway. After watching the movie, all I have to say is...well, sometimes I question my purpose on earth. But no more. No. After watching 10,000 BC, I can understand my role in the destiny of mankind: To warn people against watching this piece of crap movie.
Please.
Please, for your own good. DON'T watch 10,000 BC. I'm going to say it: 10,000 BC is the worst movie I've ever seen. And I've seen Boytown. Twice.
And it's not that I'm hard to impress or anything. Because I'm not! I am SO not! I might be the most easily impressed person on the planet. Today I told my sister's friend his water bed was 'Probably the best thing I've ever seen in my life.'
Huh. That might not be a fair test, though. Waterbeds are awesome.
Well, anyway. Not the point. The point is...if you ever feel the temptation to watch 10,000 BC, stop, go to your computer, and read this post instead:
WHY 10,000 BC SUCKS
Alright so we're ten minutes in, and the leading guy/girl have already confessed their undying love for each other. Oh, and did I mention that at this stage, they're still kids?
Yeah.
Kids.
Um, what?
They expect us to believe that 10,000 years ago, living in the mountains, hunted by a pack of blood-thirsty woolly mammoths, two 10 year old's can find their soulmates? Oh, man. I didn't know whether to feel embarrassed for the writers, or depressed over the fact that I'm almost 20 and still totally alone.
And, yeah. Blood-thirsty woolly mammoths. There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
Anyway.
For the first, like, 45 minutes, part of the excitement was looking out for Whoopi Goldburg. I can't explain it, but for some reason, I was totally convinced Whoopi Goldburg was in this movie. I swear when Julia's dad was telling me about it at Christmas, the name 'Whoopi Goldburg' came out of his mouth at one point. Although he might have just said something like "Dude that movie is so bad, I'd rather see Whoopi Goldburg dress in drag and do the hula than sit through it again."
Yeah, so 45 minutes went by with me going "Whoopi? Whoopi? Is that Whoopi? Is that Whoopi?" every 6 seconds. I think at one point I even convinced myself that she played the crazy ancient tribe witch. She did not.
Oh, here's a question for the hair and makeup department: Why does everyone have dreadlocks? I mean yeah, I get that it's 10,000 BC and you're all supposed to look rugged and primative and stuff, but would dreadlocks really have been the best low-hair-care option? Surely a ponytail would suffice? And did you actually think anyone would buy that Camilla Belle's eyes are really that colour? Hint: the bit around the iris is supposed to be white. Not blue.
You know what else was interesting? And by 'interesting', I mean 'made me want to scratch my own eyes out with frustration'? All of the animals were huge. Ridiculously huge. It was crazy - first you've got the crazy dinosaur chicken things which can bite through trees, then there's a 15ft vulture. Oh, and the sabre-tooth tiger I saw must have been shooting some serious steroids, because it was pretty much the size of a bus.
Amusing? Yes.
Believable? Hell no.
Oh and here's a fun fact: Remember those woolly mammoths I was talking about? Well it turns out they're the ones that built the pyramids in Egypt. Slaves, aliens, some form of ancient Egyptian machinery...I don't know why we never considered woolly mammoths before! Thanks, 10,000 BC. You cracked the case WIDE open!
Okay, I'm going to stop here, because I'm starting to sound mean, and well honestly, a little crazy. And should any of the writers/producers/directors of 10,000 BC be reading this right now, I don't want them to think that just because the movies they make are really shit, I wouldn't be willing to star in one. Because I would. I totally would. You know, as long as I didn't have to actually get dreadlocks or anything.
Yeah.
Even though I was warned (firmly) by more than one person not to do so, I felt like I should give it a chance. Here was my reasoning:
Well I like good movies, so if it's good, I'll like it. And I like crap movies, so if it's crap, I'll like it. And I need something to distract myself from the fact that Michael died in the last episode of Prison Break, so if it's not Wentworth Miller being electrocuted, I'll like it.
Yeah, I know. Pretty solid, right?Well anyway. After watching the movie, all I have to say is...well, sometimes I question my purpose on earth. But no more. No. After watching 10,000 BC, I can understand my role in the destiny of mankind: To warn people against watching this piece of crap movie.
Please.
Please, for your own good. DON'T watch 10,000 BC. I'm going to say it: 10,000 BC is the worst movie I've ever seen. And I've seen Boytown. Twice.
And it's not that I'm hard to impress or anything. Because I'm not! I am SO not! I might be the most easily impressed person on the planet. Today I told my sister's friend his water bed was 'Probably the best thing I've ever seen in my life.'
Huh. That might not be a fair test, though. Waterbeds are awesome.
Well, anyway. Not the point. The point is...if you ever feel the temptation to watch 10,000 BC, stop, go to your computer, and read this post instead:
WHY 10,000 BC SUCKS
Yeah.
Kids.
Um, what?
They expect us to believe that 10,000 years ago, living in the mountains, hunted by a pack of blood-thirsty woolly mammoths, two 10 year old's can find their soulmates? Oh, man. I didn't know whether to feel embarrassed for the writers, or depressed over the fact that I'm almost 20 and still totally alone.
And, yeah. Blood-thirsty woolly mammoths. There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
Anyway.
For the first, like, 45 minutes, part of the excitement was looking out for Whoopi Goldburg. I can't explain it, but for some reason, I was totally convinced Whoopi Goldburg was in this movie. I swear when Julia's dad was telling me about it at Christmas, the name 'Whoopi Goldburg' came out of his mouth at one point. Although he might have just said something like "Dude that movie is so bad, I'd rather see Whoopi Goldburg dress in drag and do the hula than sit through it again."
Yeah, so 45 minutes went by with me going "Whoopi? Whoopi? Is that Whoopi? Is that Whoopi?" every 6 seconds. I think at one point I even convinced myself that she played the crazy ancient tribe witch. She did not.
Oh, here's a question for the hair and makeup department: Why does everyone have dreadlocks? I mean yeah, I get that it's 10,000 BC and you're all supposed to look rugged and primative and stuff, but would dreadlocks really have been the best low-hair-care option? Surely a ponytail would suffice? And did you actually think anyone would buy that Camilla Belle's eyes are really that colour? Hint: the bit around the iris is supposed to be white. Not blue.
You know what else was interesting? And by 'interesting', I mean 'made me want to scratch my own eyes out with frustration'? All of the animals were huge. Ridiculously huge. It was crazy - first you've got the crazy dinosaur chicken things which can bite through trees, then there's a 15ft vulture. Oh, and the sabre-tooth tiger I saw must have been shooting some serious steroids, because it was pretty much the size of a bus.
Amusing? Yes.
Believable? Hell no.
Oh and here's a fun fact: Remember those woolly mammoths I was talking about? Well it turns out they're the ones that built the pyramids in Egypt. Slaves, aliens, some form of ancient Egyptian machinery...I don't know why we never considered woolly mammoths before! Thanks, 10,000 BC. You cracked the case WIDE open!
Okay, I'm going to stop here, because I'm starting to sound mean, and well honestly, a little crazy. And should any of the writers/producers/directors of 10,000 BC be reading this right now, I don't want them to think that just because the movies they make are really shit, I wouldn't be willing to star in one. Because I would. I totally would. You know, as long as I didn't have to actually get dreadlocks or anything.
Friday, June 12, 2009
"I knew it was bad before I said it....but I said it anyway"
Alright.
Last night I made probably one of the most offensive jokes I have ever made.
I mean, it was bad.
Really bad.
Really really bad.
It was worse than the time Julia and I were on the train and she was all "It smells funny in here", and I was all "Yeah, smells like old!", and then we both turned and stared at this like, 80 year old woman.
It was worse than the time I said Michael Vaughn's funeral should have been open-casket, because he was so hot (Ok, and wait, because I know people who don't watch Alias or who haven't heard this story are going to totally freak out over that comment - HE'S A CHARACTER ON TV, NOT A REAL PERSON. So it's not that offensive.)
It was worse than the Hearse-About incident.
...
Hey, quick question - how come all my 'totally offensive' moments involve Julia? And old people?
Huh?
Anyone?
Well, never mind.
My point is, the joke I came up with last night TOTALLY beats all those. I mean it. It kicks those other joke's asses all over the playground and puts bubblegum in their hair.
So obviously, I can't tell it.
Ha.
You THOUGHT I was going to tell it, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? Well sorry to disappoint, but I'm not.
And it's not just that I'm not, it's that I wont.
I cant.
Because I enjoy the freedom of being able to leave my house without people throwing things at me too much.
Yeah - THAT'S how offensive this joke was.
I will give you something though: My sister's reaction.
Catherine: I mean, it's like - wait. What did you just say?
Ok, and I was bent over with my head buried in a pillow, trying to stop myself from laughing.
Jacki: I can't believe I just said that
Catherine: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
Jacki: I am the worst person ever!
Catherine: That was bad! That was...so bad!
Yeah, keep in mind, at this point, we were both pissing ourselves.
Jacki: I know! I knew it was bad before I said it...but I said it anyway!
You know how sometimes you laugh so hard you start crying? Yeah.
Catherine: Are you going to blog about this?
Jacki: Are you crazy?!
Catherine: Yeah, you're right. If anyone finds out about this, you'll be the most hated person on the planet.
Ok, yeah, I think she went a little overboard with that last comment. I mean, what about Hitler?
Plus she was laughing too!
Last night I made probably one of the most offensive jokes I have ever made.
I mean, it was bad.
Really bad.
Really really bad.
It was worse than the time Julia and I were on the train and she was all "It smells funny in here", and I was all "Yeah, smells like old!", and then we both turned and stared at this like, 80 year old woman.
It was worse than the time I said Michael Vaughn's funeral should have been open-casket, because he was so hot (Ok, and wait, because I know people who don't watch Alias or who haven't heard this story are going to totally freak out over that comment - HE'S A CHARACTER ON TV, NOT A REAL PERSON. So it's not that offensive.)
It was worse than the Hearse-About incident.
...
Hey, quick question - how come all my 'totally offensive' moments involve Julia? And old people?
Huh?
Anyone?
Well, never mind.
My point is, the joke I came up with last night TOTALLY beats all those. I mean it. It kicks those other joke's asses all over the playground and puts bubblegum in their hair.
So obviously, I can't tell it.
Ha.
You THOUGHT I was going to tell it, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? Well sorry to disappoint, but I'm not.
And it's not just that I'm not, it's that I wont.
I cant.
Because I enjoy the freedom of being able to leave my house without people throwing things at me too much.
Yeah - THAT'S how offensive this joke was.
I will give you something though: My sister's reaction.
Catherine: I mean, it's like - wait. What did you just say?
Ok, and I was bent over with my head buried in a pillow, trying to stop myself from laughing.
Jacki: I can't believe I just said that
Catherine: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
Jacki: I am the worst person ever!
Catherine: That was bad! That was...so bad!
Yeah, keep in mind, at this point, we were both pissing ourselves.
Jacki: I know! I knew it was bad before I said it...but I said it anyway!
You know how sometimes you laugh so hard you start crying? Yeah.
Catherine: Are you going to blog about this?
Jacki: Are you crazy?!
Catherine: Yeah, you're right. If anyone finds out about this, you'll be the most hated person on the planet.
Ok, yeah, I think she went a little overboard with that last comment. I mean, what about Hitler?
Plus she was laughing too!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Top Ten
The Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate Winter
10. The 'Moon Tan'
Oh, my gosh. I know we live in the age slash nation of skin cancer and all, but how I miss having a tan. I mean it. I mean it! Now I'm so white my skin has blinding capabilities. THAT'S what I call a health hazard.
9. Constant Showers
Because the only way to defrost my limbs each morning is to stand in the shower for 45 minutes, with the temperature turned all the way to 'scalding hot'. And then it only takes 2 seconds after I get out before they're all frozen again! Dammit! So basically, the only way to get through a whole day without turning into a modern-day Otzi is to keep showering. Every hour, on the hour. Haha, no, only kidding - there's a drought, people! So I have to settle for 2 showers a day. Okay, sometimes 3.
8. Chapped Lips
Yeah it's totally gross, but don't pretend you don't have the same problem. Everyone knows that winter = chapped lips. I guess it wouldn't be so bad, except how can I expect Wentworth to kiss me if my lips are all chappy? And on that note...
7. The Cold Weather Means There's Less Chance Of Wentworth Taking His Shirt Off In Front Of Me
Well, it's true!! Should he choose to visit Australia again, I mean. Last summer it was so fracking hot, there were guys walking around shirtless in Westfield. In Westfield!! Hell, I was tempted to walk around shirtless in Westfield. But in winter? I don't think so.
6. Swine Flu
Huh. Maybe there's actually no connection between it being winter and the Swine Flu pandemic. But I'm not knowledgable enough to know whether or not thats true. So Swine Flu makes the list.
5. There Aren't As Many Opportunities To Wear Sunglasses
Which probably isn't such a big deal to any normal person, but for me, Jacki Trew, sunglass addict, it's a serious issue. You have no idea how depressing it is to own 5000 pairs of sunglasses, and have nowhere to wear them!
4. I Have To Keep Blowdrying My Hair
Because if I don't, and I go outside when it's still wet, the cold air freezes the water and my hair dries like ice, and then if I try and put it into a ponytail, it'll all snap off. And then I'll be bald. Which would suck.
3. I Don't DO Winter Clothes
I don't. I really don't. The warmest thing I own is probably...jeans. And they have holes in the knees! The only long-sleeved tops I have cost me 5 bucks from Cotton On, and they're so thin, it's like wearing tissue paper. I may as well walk around naked. And, yes, sometimes I do. But lets be honest - that's not pleasant for anyone.
2. I HATE Electric Blankets
Maybe I'm crazy. Oh, who am I kidding - of COURSE I'm crazy. But I can totally justify my fear of electric blankets. I used to love them. Oh yes, they were fantastic. Until I saw this news report on some old lady who burned to death because hers lit on fire in the middle of the night. It LIT on FIRE. In THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. It's like two of my greatest fears combined - spontaneous combustion, and the dark. If that's not a good enough reason to hate electric blankets, I don't know what is.
and the Number 1 Reason Why I Hate Winter...
It's not summer.
Oh, my gosh. I know we live in the age slash nation of skin cancer and all, but how I miss having a tan. I mean it. I mean it! Now I'm so white my skin has blinding capabilities. THAT'S what I call a health hazard.
9. Constant Showers
Because the only way to defrost my limbs each morning is to stand in the shower for 45 minutes, with the temperature turned all the way to 'scalding hot'. And then it only takes 2 seconds after I get out before they're all frozen again! Dammit! So basically, the only way to get through a whole day without turning into a modern-day Otzi is to keep showering. Every hour, on the hour. Haha, no, only kidding - there's a drought, people! So I have to settle for 2 showers a day. Okay, sometimes 3.
8. Chapped Lips
Yeah it's totally gross, but don't pretend you don't have the same problem. Everyone knows that winter = chapped lips. I guess it wouldn't be so bad, except how can I expect Wentworth to kiss me if my lips are all chappy? And on that note...
7. The Cold Weather Means There's Less Chance Of Wentworth Taking His Shirt Off In Front Of Me
Well, it's true!! Should he choose to visit Australia again, I mean. Last summer it was so fracking hot, there were guys walking around shirtless in Westfield. In Westfield!! Hell, I was tempted to walk around shirtless in Westfield. But in winter? I don't think so.
6. Swine Flu
Huh. Maybe there's actually no connection between it being winter and the Swine Flu pandemic. But I'm not knowledgable enough to know whether or not thats true. So Swine Flu makes the list.
5. There Aren't As Many Opportunities To Wear Sunglasses
Which probably isn't such a big deal to any normal person, but for me, Jacki Trew, sunglass addict, it's a serious issue. You have no idea how depressing it is to own 5000 pairs of sunglasses, and have nowhere to wear them!
4. I Have To Keep Blowdrying My Hair
Because if I don't, and I go outside when it's still wet, the cold air freezes the water and my hair dries like ice, and then if I try and put it into a ponytail, it'll all snap off. And then I'll be bald. Which would suck.
3. I Don't DO Winter Clothes
I don't. I really don't. The warmest thing I own is probably...jeans. And they have holes in the knees! The only long-sleeved tops I have cost me 5 bucks from Cotton On, and they're so thin, it's like wearing tissue paper. I may as well walk around naked. And, yes, sometimes I do. But lets be honest - that's not pleasant for anyone.
2. I HATE Electric Blankets
Maybe I'm crazy. Oh, who am I kidding - of COURSE I'm crazy. But I can totally justify my fear of electric blankets. I used to love them. Oh yes, they were fantastic. Until I saw this news report on some old lady who burned to death because hers lit on fire in the middle of the night. It LIT on FIRE. In THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. It's like two of my greatest fears combined - spontaneous combustion, and the dark. If that's not a good enough reason to hate electric blankets, I don't know what is.
and the Number 1 Reason Why I Hate Winter...
It's not summer.
Monday, June 08, 2009
Star Trek in 2 minutes
Hey, who knew today was a public holiday?
I sure didn't! At least, not until Mum woke me up this morning and asked if I wanted to go see Star Trek with her.
And, because I love my Mum, and couldn't think of anything I'd like to do more than go see Star Trek with her on a (supposedly) public holiday, I said yes. Of course I said yes!
Ok, so technically I didn't say yes. What I actually said was:
Mum: Hey! Want to come see Star Trek at the movies with me??
Jacki: (Pause) You're paying, right?
But that just makes me look like a bad daughter. Which I'm not - Catherine is the bad daughter. She didn't even come!
Anyway, not important.
So, Star Trek. Actually, for a nerdy guys movie set in space and based on an old TV show about which I have absolutely no previous knowledge, it wasn't bad.
It wasn't bad at all.
And I'm not just saying that because it stars Eric Bana, and anyone who knows me knows that Eric Bana and I have a special connection. I mean, that's only part of it.
Plus it didn't hurt that the dude playing Kirk was a total slamming hottie. Even if his eyebrows were kind of out of control. They say large eyebrows are a sign of power, right? Well, that guy must be the most powerful man in the world.
Anyway, that's pretty much my take on Star Trek. A quick recap:
Best Moment: When pre-teen Kirk drives his step-dads antique convertible over a cliff
Worst Moment: When Kirk Senior sacrifices himself in order to save his wife and unborn baby. Don't worry, that happens at the very beginning, so it's not like I spoiled anything for you. But it totally reminded me of the end of Prison Break. Which, in turn, reminded me that:
a) Wentworth died at the end of Prison Break, and
b) There is an end of Prison Break
So yeah. That was the worst moment, for me.
Weirdest Moment: Ok there are two. First, when Uhura made out with Spock (I thought she and Kirk were the hot space couple!). And second, when Kirk implied that he sometimes has sex with farm animals - was that really necessary, J.J Abrams?
My Favourite Line: "You're from the future. Thats brilliant!! Do they still have sandwiches there?"
Rating: I'll give it 3.5 stars.
Solid.
I sure didn't! At least, not until Mum woke me up this morning and asked if I wanted to go see Star Trek with her.
And, because I love my Mum, and couldn't think of anything I'd like to do more than go see Star Trek with her on a (supposedly) public holiday, I said yes. Of course I said yes!
Ok, so technically I didn't say yes. What I actually said was:
Mum: Hey! Want to come see Star Trek at the movies with me??
Jacki: (Pause) You're paying, right?
But that just makes me look like a bad daughter. Which I'm not - Catherine is the bad daughter. She didn't even come!
Anyway, not important.
So, Star Trek. Actually, for a nerdy guys movie set in space and based on an old TV show about which I have absolutely no previous knowledge, it wasn't bad.
It wasn't bad at all.
And I'm not just saying that because it stars Eric Bana, and anyone who knows me knows that Eric Bana and I have a special connection. I mean, that's only part of it.
Plus it didn't hurt that the dude playing Kirk was a total slamming hottie. Even if his eyebrows were kind of out of control. They say large eyebrows are a sign of power, right? Well, that guy must be the most powerful man in the world.
Anyway, that's pretty much my take on Star Trek. A quick recap:
Best Moment: When pre-teen Kirk drives his step-dads antique convertible over a cliff
Worst Moment: When Kirk Senior sacrifices himself in order to save his wife and unborn baby. Don't worry, that happens at the very beginning, so it's not like I spoiled anything for you. But it totally reminded me of the end of Prison Break. Which, in turn, reminded me that:
a) Wentworth died at the end of Prison Break, and
b) There is an end of Prison Break
So yeah. That was the worst moment, for me.
Weirdest Moment: Ok there are two. First, when Uhura made out with Spock (I thought she and Kirk were the hot space couple!). And second, when Kirk implied that he sometimes has sex with farm animals - was that really necessary, J.J Abrams?
My Favourite Line: "You're from the future. Thats brilliant!! Do they still have sandwiches there?"
Rating: I'll give it 3.5 stars.
Solid.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Rove's Final Five, Originally Intended For...Pink
5. What would you be if you joined the circus?
Oh, man. Anything - anything - but the bearded lady. Please, ring master, I beg of you!! If I actually had a choice, I like to think I'd be something cool, like one of those super-fit acrobat twins or something. Then again, with my nose, I'd probably end up playing The Elephant Man.
4. If you could choose a tattoo for me (Rove) right now, what would it be?
I've thought about this. There are two options:
a) You shave your head and get Voldemort's face on the back of your skull (an old favourite of mine)
b) This:
3. When you arrive at a party, how often does someone say "Lets get the party started!"?
Not nearly often enough.
2. When you are exactly halfway through a motorcycle backflip, what are you thinking?
"I. Am. AWESOME."
Oh. And, as always:
"I hope Wentworth is watching this!"
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Yeah, that's pretty funny. But I can go one better:
Hahaha. Thankyou, Google Images!
Oh, man. Anything - anything - but the bearded lady. Please, ring master, I beg of you!! If I actually had a choice, I like to think I'd be something cool, like one of those super-fit acrobat twins or something. Then again, with my nose, I'd probably end up playing The Elephant Man.
4. If you could choose a tattoo for me (Rove) right now, what would it be?
I've thought about this. There are two options:
a) You shave your head and get Voldemort's face on the back of your skull (an old favourite of mine)
b) This:
3. When you arrive at a party, how often does someone say "Lets get the party started!"?
Not nearly often enough.
2. When you are exactly halfway through a motorcycle backflip, what are you thinking?
"I. Am. AWESOME."
Oh. And, as always:
"I hope Wentworth is watching this!"
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Yeah, that's pretty funny. But I can go one better:
Hahaha. Thankyou, Google Images!
Saturday, June 06, 2009
The Wolf Creek Theory: Test Results
Alright so, for those of you who haven't read the post below, here's the 411:
The theory: That I, Jacki Trew, am no longer afraid of scary movies
The test: Watching Saw 4 all by myself
The reason it's named after Wolf Creek: Um, yeah. Just read the post below. I can't be assed to explain it again
Anyway, as I was saying...In order to test my latest hypothesis, last night, I watched Saw 4.
In it's entirety.
At night.
BY MYSELF.
So, I hear you asking. The results?
Was I scared? Was I afraid? Was I TERRIFIED?
Um, no.
I totally wasn't.
As much as my sister went on and on and on and on about how it was the scariest slash most graphically violent movie she'd ever seen, that I'd have nightmares for weeks and that she - and I quote - "would rather stand outside in the freezing rain all night and then die than watch that movie again", Saw 4 was kind of tame.
Kind of really tame.
I mean, I'll admit there was a moment at about 34 minutes in, where some guy gets attacked by a shower curtain that made me just about piss myself. And by 'just about', what I really mean is 'Yeah, I had to change my pants'. But other than that, the scariest thing I saw was a naked old guy on an autopsy table. Which, granted, will probably give me nightmares for the rest of my life, but since I don't think they actually meant for it to be scary, it totally doesn't count.
So.
I think I just about proved my own theory correct.
BUT.
In the name of science, I decided to perform a follow-up test. So today, in between wrapping my Dad's birthday present and building lego houses with two of my nephews, I watched ANOTHER scary movie.
This one - creatively named Black Christmas - was about a criminally insane serial killer who escapes from a mental home on Christmas Eve and joins forces with his incestuous one-eyed sister to wreak havoc on a group of college girls and their sorority house mother.
It was kind of a cross between Bad Santa, Wrong Turn and the Halloween movies, pretty stupid, a little unrealistic, and probably one of the most awesome movies I've ever seen.
I totally recommend it. You'll laugh, you'll cringe, you'll recognise the dumb chick from Mean Girls as one of the sorority sisters, and you'll have a total Prison Break moment when you see the scene where Billy (the killer) escapes from the mental hospital by digging a hole in the wall behind the toilet.
I know I did!
And was I scared? NO!
Well, maybe a little, by the quality of acting. But like I said before, if it's not intentionally scary, it doesn't count.
Oh man. The Nobel Peace Prize is mine for sure!!
The theory: That I, Jacki Trew, am no longer afraid of scary movies
The test: Watching Saw 4 all by myself
The reason it's named after Wolf Creek: Um, yeah. Just read the post below. I can't be assed to explain it again
Anyway, as I was saying...In order to test my latest hypothesis, last night, I watched Saw 4.
In it's entirety.
At night.
BY MYSELF.
So, I hear you asking. The results?
Was I scared? Was I afraid? Was I TERRIFIED?
Um, no.
I totally wasn't.
As much as my sister went on and on and on and on about how it was the scariest slash most graphically violent movie she'd ever seen, that I'd have nightmares for weeks and that she - and I quote - "would rather stand outside in the freezing rain all night and then die than watch that movie again", Saw 4 was kind of tame.
Kind of really tame.
I mean, I'll admit there was a moment at about 34 minutes in, where some guy gets attacked by a shower curtain that made me just about piss myself. And by 'just about', what I really mean is 'Yeah, I had to change my pants'. But other than that, the scariest thing I saw was a naked old guy on an autopsy table. Which, granted, will probably give me nightmares for the rest of my life, but since I don't think they actually meant for it to be scary, it totally doesn't count.
So.
I think I just about proved my own theory correct.
BUT.
In the name of science, I decided to perform a follow-up test. So today, in between wrapping my Dad's birthday present and building lego houses with two of my nephews, I watched ANOTHER scary movie.
This one - creatively named Black Christmas - was about a criminally insane serial killer who escapes from a mental home on Christmas Eve and joins forces with his incestuous one-eyed sister to wreak havoc on a group of college girls and their sorority house mother.
It was kind of a cross between Bad Santa, Wrong Turn and the Halloween movies, pretty stupid, a little unrealistic, and probably one of the most awesome movies I've ever seen.
I totally recommend it. You'll laugh, you'll cringe, you'll recognise the dumb chick from Mean Girls as one of the sorority sisters, and you'll have a total Prison Break moment when you see the scene where Billy (the killer) escapes from the mental hospital by digging a hole in the wall behind the toilet.
I know I did!
And was I scared? NO!
Well, maybe a little, by the quality of acting. But like I said before, if it's not intentionally scary, it doesn't count.
Oh man. The Nobel Peace Prize is mine for sure!!
Friday, June 05, 2009
The Wolf Creek Theory
Oh my gosh, I did it again.
Another Nobel-Peace-Prize-Winning theory.
Ok, maybe not Winning.
But definitely Deserving.
Whatever, not important.
Here is my theory: I, JACKI TREW, AM NO LONGER AFRAID OF SCARY MOVIES.
...
This might seem kind of stupid and irrelevant and not at all important enough to create a theory about, but to anyone who knows me it's not.
Because anyone who knows me knows that I am probably the most scare-able person in the country. On the planet. I daresay, in THE UNIVERSE. I mean it. I am. I really am. I mean, I got scared watching Finding Nemo!
Alright, no I didn't.
Still, you get the picture.
BUT.
Like 3 weeks ago, I watched Wolf Creek, at night, all by myself - and I wasn't afraid.
AT ALL!
Huh, I thought.
That was kind of weird. Especially since the first time I watched Wolf Creek I got so scared that I died a little inside.
Anyway, earlier I was flipping through the TV Guide, and I noticed that Saw 4 is playing on Movie One tonight. Excellent! It's the perfect chance to test The Wolf Creek Theory. If I can sit through Saw 4 (which doesn't start til midnight) all by myself and not get scared, I'll know that:
a) I'm no longer afraid of scary movies, and
b) I just doubled my chances of winning The Nobel Peace Prize
And if my theory turns out to be incorrect and I spend the night pointlessly scaring the crap out of myself...well, at least I'll have something to blog about!
Another Nobel-Peace-Prize-Winning theory.
Ok, maybe not Winning.
But definitely Deserving.
Whatever, not important.
Here is my theory: I, JACKI TREW, AM NO LONGER AFRAID OF SCARY MOVIES.
...
This might seem kind of stupid and irrelevant and not at all important enough to create a theory about, but to anyone who knows me it's not.
Because anyone who knows me knows that I am probably the most scare-able person in the country. On the planet. I daresay, in THE UNIVERSE. I mean it. I am. I really am. I mean, I got scared watching Finding Nemo!
Alright, no I didn't.
Still, you get the picture.
BUT.
Like 3 weeks ago, I watched Wolf Creek, at night, all by myself - and I wasn't afraid.
AT ALL!
Huh, I thought.
That was kind of weird. Especially since the first time I watched Wolf Creek I got so scared that I died a little inside.
Anyway, earlier I was flipping through the TV Guide, and I noticed that Saw 4 is playing on Movie One tonight. Excellent! It's the perfect chance to test The Wolf Creek Theory. If I can sit through Saw 4 (which doesn't start til midnight) all by myself and not get scared, I'll know that:
a) I'm no longer afraid of scary movies, and
b) I just doubled my chances of winning The Nobel Peace Prize
And if my theory turns out to be incorrect and I spend the night pointlessly scaring the crap out of myself...well, at least I'll have something to blog about!
Susanne Somers hates me!
Alright, before you get too excited, I'm not talking about the real Susanne Somers.
I don't know her.
Not yet, anyway.
I'm talking about my old boss from Blue Illusion, also known (during my time as an employee there) as The Illusion, B.I, and more commonly, That Hellhole In Which I Am Forced To Fold Jumpers For Hours And Hours On End.
Ok so the other day I was wandering aimlessly around Lane Cove, which I like to do on my spare days, both on account of the fact that there's always the off chance I'll find enough change in my pockets to buy an icecream from Zest, and well, Lane Cove is just awesome.
Am I right, Kiera?
I'm right.
Right?
So anyway, I was wandering towards Cove Variety (because who doesn't love a good half-hour rummage through the worlds oldest 2 dollar shop?) and I saw this woman staring at me weirdly.
And not weirdly in a good way.
Weirdly in a bad way.
Like, I don't want to make assumptions, but it kind of looked like she wanted to kill me.
Whoa, ok. So my first thought is how to get away from this woman as quickly as possible. And my second thought is "Hey...I think I know her!"
So I turned around to get a second glance, noticed that she was heading towards Blue Illusion and that's when I realised BLUE ILLUSION + WOMAN I RECOGNISE = OH, MY GOSH. IT'S MY OLD BOSS.
Umm. Yeah.
What I couldn't figure out was the death-stare she gave me. I mean, it's not like we parted on bitter terms or anything. At first I thought it might have been because, ok, Blue Illusion is where I worked before I went overseas last year, and, well... I might have kind of sort of left it to the last minute before I quit.
But it wasn't that bad! It went something like this:
(Phone rings)
Jacki: Hello?
My Boss: Hey Jacki, it's Magda. I'm just calling to tell you your roster for this week, okay?
Jacki: Oh you know what, I'm actually going overseas this week, so...
My Boss: Overseas? Really? What day?
Jacki: Um...Tomorrow.
Ok, so it was pretty bad.
But it couldn't have been that terrible, because she gave me my job back when I got home!!
So, I don't know. And it can't have anything to do with me being a bad employee, because I totally wasn't. I don't wanna brag or anything, but I folded the crap out of those jumpers!
Well, whatever.
If she really wants to kill me, she can just join the club*.
*The Club:
I don't know her.
Not yet, anyway.
I'm talking about my old boss from Blue Illusion, also known (during my time as an employee there) as The Illusion, B.I, and more commonly, That Hellhole In Which I Am Forced To Fold Jumpers For Hours And Hours On End.
Ok so the other day I was wandering aimlessly around Lane Cove, which I like to do on my spare days, both on account of the fact that there's always the off chance I'll find enough change in my pockets to buy an icecream from Zest, and well, Lane Cove is just awesome.
Am I right, Kiera?
I'm right.
Right?
So anyway, I was wandering towards Cove Variety (because who doesn't love a good half-hour rummage through the worlds oldest 2 dollar shop?) and I saw this woman staring at me weirdly.
And not weirdly in a good way.
Weirdly in a bad way.
Like, I don't want to make assumptions, but it kind of looked like she wanted to kill me.
Whoa, ok. So my first thought is how to get away from this woman as quickly as possible. And my second thought is "Hey...I think I know her!"
So I turned around to get a second glance, noticed that she was heading towards Blue Illusion and that's when I realised BLUE ILLUSION + WOMAN I RECOGNISE = OH, MY GOSH. IT'S MY OLD BOSS.
Umm. Yeah.
What I couldn't figure out was the death-stare she gave me. I mean, it's not like we parted on bitter terms or anything. At first I thought it might have been because, ok, Blue Illusion is where I worked before I went overseas last year, and, well... I might have kind of sort of left it to the last minute before I quit.
But it wasn't that bad! It went something like this:
(Phone rings)
Jacki: Hello?
My Boss: Hey Jacki, it's Magda. I'm just calling to tell you your roster for this week, okay?
Jacki: Oh you know what, I'm actually going overseas this week, so...
My Boss: Overseas? Really? What day?
Jacki: Um...Tomorrow.
Ok, so it was pretty bad.
But it couldn't have been that terrible, because she gave me my job back when I got home!!
So, I don't know. And it can't have anything to do with me being a bad employee, because I totally wasn't. I don't wanna brag or anything, but I folded the crap out of those jumpers!
Well, whatever.
If she really wants to kill me, she can just join the club*.
*The Club:
- Ivan Milat
- Catherine Trew
- Emily Shanahan
- Richard O'Brien
- Anyone who has ever heard me sing
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
The time I played Goal Defence
Ok so I just got back from netball. It was hilarious, as usual. I know "hilarious" isn't usually the kind of adjective you'd associate with netball, but, well, if you were on our team, you'd understand.
Oh, and yeah, hi fives to me for just using the word 'adjective' in a sentence!
Thank you, year 8 English.
Anyway, back to netball.
One of the most entertaining moments of the evening was when I tried to play Goal Defence. I knew from the beginning it probably wasn't going to go down well, on account of the fact that I have a tendency to scream and shrink away from the ball if it comes towards me out of nowhere - and we all know that the mark of a good defence player is someone who's afraid of the ball.
But, seriously.
Goal Defence?
Me?
Jacki? Jacki Trew? Jacki Trew trying to play Goal Defence?
Um, yeah, it was a total disaster.
My team laughed at me.
The other team laughed at me.
I laughed at me.
Then the umpire pulled me up for 'intimidation' because I was laughing at myself trying to defend. Um, what? I fail to see how me mocking myself could possibly affect the other team. I mean, apart from the fact that I have a pretty insane laugh.
Hmm...on second thoughts, that umpire was probably right.
Oh, I totally forgot to mention the other way I embarassed myself tonight! So as I was driving into the carpark at Willoughby Leisure Centre, I saw Madi getting out of her car, and she just happened to have a free spot next to her. So I drove over, ready to show her my super-wicked parking skills. This is how it went:
Jacki: (Getting out of the car) How good is my parking!
Madi: Dude, you're on two spaces
(I look down and realise I've parked the car right in the middle of two separate car spaces)
Jacki: Huh
Madi: And...I think the car is still moving!
Jacki: What? No it's not. (The car is slowly rolling towards me) Oh, yes it is!
(Here I actually tried to push the car back into place. With my hands. What? Yes - I'm an idiot!)
Mum: Jacki, you forgot to put the break on. You moron!
Hahaha. I can't wait til my driving test - even if I don't pass, at least I'll give the instructor a laugh.
Oh, and yeah, hi fives to me for just using the word 'adjective' in a sentence!
Thank you, year 8 English.
Anyway, back to netball.
One of the most entertaining moments of the evening was when I tried to play Goal Defence. I knew from the beginning it probably wasn't going to go down well, on account of the fact that I have a tendency to scream and shrink away from the ball if it comes towards me out of nowhere - and we all know that the mark of a good defence player is someone who's afraid of the ball.
But, seriously.
Goal Defence?
Me?
Jacki? Jacki Trew? Jacki Trew trying to play Goal Defence?
Um, yeah, it was a total disaster.
My team laughed at me.
The other team laughed at me.
I laughed at me.
Then the umpire pulled me up for 'intimidation' because I was laughing at myself trying to defend. Um, what? I fail to see how me mocking myself could possibly affect the other team. I mean, apart from the fact that I have a pretty insane laugh.
Hmm...on second thoughts, that umpire was probably right.
Oh, I totally forgot to mention the other way I embarassed myself tonight! So as I was driving into the carpark at Willoughby Leisure Centre, I saw Madi getting out of her car, and she just happened to have a free spot next to her. So I drove over, ready to show her my super-wicked parking skills. This is how it went:
Jacki: (Getting out of the car) How good is my parking!
Madi: Dude, you're on two spaces
(I look down and realise I've parked the car right in the middle of two separate car spaces)
Jacki: Huh
Madi: And...I think the car is still moving!
Jacki: What? No it's not. (The car is slowly rolling towards me) Oh, yes it is!
(Here I actually tried to push the car back into place. With my hands. What? Yes - I'm an idiot!)
Mum: Jacki, you forgot to put the break on. You moron!
Hahaha. I can't wait til my driving test - even if I don't pass, at least I'll give the instructor a laugh.
Monday, June 01, 2009
Does anyone know why Sylvester Stallone has the nickname Sly?
I sure don't get it. His name isn't Slyvester. It's Sylvester.
Sylvester.
SYLVESTER!
So if anything, his nickname should be Syl.
Or Vest.
Hey, even Ter would make more sense.
But no, his name is Sylvester and he gets called Sly and I'm confused.
On a completely unrelated note, it's Wentworth's birthday tomorrow. So get ready for cake and squealing and Prison Break marathons and a celebratory text message from yours truly.
I sure don't get it. His name isn't Slyvester. It's Sylvester.
Sylvester.
SYLVESTER!
So if anything, his nickname should be Syl.
Or Vest.
Hey, even Ter would make more sense.
But no, his name is Sylvester and he gets called Sly and I'm confused.
On a completely unrelated note, it's Wentworth's birthday tomorrow. So get ready for cake and squealing and Prison Break marathons and a celebratory text message from yours truly.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
The Trews are famous!!!
Sadly, no, I'm not talking about myself.
Not yet anyway.
I'm talking about this band I just found called The Trews.
The Trews.
Is that awesome or what?
It's awesome.
I like to think they named themselves after me. And, I guess, the rest of my relatives. Anyway, here is where you can listen to their stuff, and here is a conversation I had with my sister about them:
Jacki: Hey d'you know there is this band called The Trews? And it's spelled the same way as our last name!
Catherine: Ha. That's pretty cool
Jacki: I know, right! Go listen to them. I just downloaded the whole album. Illegally though, so shh don't tell anyone*. But it's good
Catherine: What kind of music?
Jacki: Rock
Catherine: I don't really like rock
Jacki: Well then you suck. I'm annoyed though - that's totally was I was going to name my band!
Catherine: Really?
Jacki: Of course not. I'm going to name my band The Toasts. Everyone knows that.
Haha. The Toasts. Performing soon at a wedding, high school formal or 14th birthday party near you!
*Oh woops. I just told everyone.
Oh well.
Not yet anyway.
I'm talking about this band I just found called The Trews.
The Trews.
Is that awesome or what?
It's awesome.
I like to think they named themselves after me. And, I guess, the rest of my relatives. Anyway, here is where you can listen to their stuff, and here is a conversation I had with my sister about them:
Jacki: Hey d'you know there is this band called The Trews? And it's spelled the same way as our last name!
Catherine: Ha. That's pretty cool
Jacki: I know, right! Go listen to them. I just downloaded the whole album. Illegally though, so shh don't tell anyone*. But it's good
Catherine: What kind of music?
Jacki: Rock
Catherine: I don't really like rock
Jacki: Well then you suck. I'm annoyed though - that's totally was I was going to name my band!
Catherine: Really?
Jacki: Of course not. I'm going to name my band The Toasts. Everyone knows that.
Haha. The Toasts. Performing soon at a wedding, high school formal or 14th birthday party near you!
*Oh woops. I just told everyone.
Oh well.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Chocolate/Mint flavoured water? No. I don't think so.
Oh, my gosh, only 2 blogs in the past fortnight.
What can I say? Nothing that interesting has happened for a while...UNTIL THIS THURSDAY, THAT IS!!!
Because guess what happened?
Guess. Guess!
Did you guess?
MADI GOT HER P'S!
Yaaaaaay!
First try and everything. I am so proud. And now I have another chauffeur! Haha. Don't worry Madi, I'm only kidding.
Or am I?
Haha, yes, I am.
...
Or am I?
Yes. Yes I am.
OR AM I?
Yes.
....
....
No I'm not.
Haha, ok, enough.
So here, Madi, sweetie, honey, cookie, love of my life - here is a photo of the P-Plate Cake I've been promising to make you when you got your P's:
Ok, so obviously that isn't a photo of the P-Plate Cake. I tried to find a picture of one, but Google Images didn't have any P-Plate cakes, they only had License Plate cakes. I chose the man-one license plate because it made me laugh the most.
I mean.
What possible reason could someone have to put the words "Man One" on a cake?
Here's something else that happened this week: I went to Senso Metrics.
You know, the consumer testing place? You go and eat samples of a new kind of food, and write down what you think about it, and they give you $40? Yeah, it's awesome. Well usually it is. Except guess what I was testing?
Water.
Yeah, water.
Ok, it was flavoured water. But not a good flavour - it was mint flavour.
Mint.
Like, different kinds of mint.
OrangeMint, LemonMint, SpearMint, PepperMint, and - wait for it. Wait for it. Are you waiting? Oh, you know what, it doesn't even matter, because no amount of waiting will prepare you for what I'm about to say - CHOCOLATEMINT.
Whose idea was it to create chocolate/mint flavoured water?
I don't know.
But whoever it was, they better run. Because I'm coming for them.
What can I say? Nothing that interesting has happened for a while...UNTIL THIS THURSDAY, THAT IS!!!
Because guess what happened?
Guess. Guess!
Did you guess?
MADI GOT HER P'S!
Yaaaaaay!
First try and everything. I am so proud. And now I have another chauffeur! Haha. Don't worry Madi, I'm only kidding.
Or am I?
Haha, yes, I am.
...
Or am I?
Yes. Yes I am.
OR AM I?
Yes.
....
....
No I'm not.
Haha, ok, enough.
So here, Madi, sweetie, honey, cookie, love of my life - here is a photo of the P-Plate Cake I've been promising to make you when you got your P's:
Ok, so obviously that isn't a photo of the P-Plate Cake. I tried to find a picture of one, but Google Images didn't have any P-Plate cakes, they only had License Plate cakes. I chose the man-one license plate because it made me laugh the most.
I mean.
What possible reason could someone have to put the words "Man One" on a cake?
Here's something else that happened this week: I went to Senso Metrics.
You know, the consumer testing place? You go and eat samples of a new kind of food, and write down what you think about it, and they give you $40? Yeah, it's awesome. Well usually it is. Except guess what I was testing?
Water.
Yeah, water.
Ok, it was flavoured water. But not a good flavour - it was mint flavour.
Mint.
Like, different kinds of mint.
OrangeMint, LemonMint, SpearMint, PepperMint, and - wait for it. Wait for it. Are you waiting? Oh, you know what, it doesn't even matter, because no amount of waiting will prepare you for what I'm about to say - CHOCOLATEMINT.
Whose idea was it to create chocolate/mint flavoured water?
I don't know.
But whoever it was, they better run. Because I'm coming for them.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Looks like Rove has been reading my blog
Did anyone else watch Rove tonight?
And in particular, a little segment called PeteSpace? Well, if you did, you (like me) might have noticed...
THEY TOTALLY TALKED ABOUT THE SNUGGIE!!
Remember The Snuggie? The ridiculous blanket with sleeves? The one that I blogged about - LIKE THREE WEEKS AGO!!
Oh, my gosh.
They even made fun of the same things I made fun of; the parents high-fiving at the footy game, the free booklight, the fact that it's a blanket with sleeves...
I'm telling you, Rove has been reading my blog. He's probably reading it right now! You know, getting material for NEXT weeks show.
Hi Rove!
See anything you like?
And in particular, a little segment called PeteSpace? Well, if you did, you (like me) might have noticed...
THEY TOTALLY TALKED ABOUT THE SNUGGIE!!
Remember The Snuggie? The ridiculous blanket with sleeves? The one that I blogged about - LIKE THREE WEEKS AGO!!
Oh, my gosh.
They even made fun of the same things I made fun of; the parents high-fiving at the footy game, the free booklight, the fact that it's a blanket with sleeves...
I'm telling you, Rove has been reading my blog. He's probably reading it right now! You know, getting material for NEXT weeks show.
Hi Rove!
See anything you like?
Rove's Final Five, Originally Intended For...Will Ferrell
5. Have you ever done anything illegal while on holiday in an overseas country?
Haha. Yes. Oh, yes. Since my Mum has made a recent habit of not only reading my blog, but showing it to her friends at work, I'm not going to go into any details...But I will say it involves a German girl, a fake ID, and a trip to Safeway at 3 in the morning.
4. Are you up for making Anchorman 2?
I am ABSOLUTELY up for making Anchorman 2. I wasn't in the first one so I don't know what character I'd play...maybe Brick's daughter? Actually, that's not a bad idea - Will Ferrell, you give me a call.
3. What's the most outrageous rumor you've heard about yourself?
Oh, there are so many. I'm so famous, I can't keep myself out of the tabloids. It's crazy, really.
...
Ok so obviously I'm lying. I don't know that I've ever heard a rumor about myself. Either I'm so boring that nobody would bother, or I'm so outrageous that there is no need.
2. Your character in Land of the Lost punches Matt Lauer from The Today Show. Who in real life would you like to punch?
Oh, right, Land of the Lost, yeah, I was great in that movie. In real life, though, I would love to punch whichever Prison Break writer made the decision to kill off Wentworth Miller's character.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That happened. Don't worry, I'll be blogging about it later.
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Oh, man. I can't believe I didn't think of this last time I babysat.
Haha. Yes. Oh, yes. Since my Mum has made a recent habit of not only reading my blog, but showing it to her friends at work, I'm not going to go into any details...But I will say it involves a German girl, a fake ID, and a trip to Safeway at 3 in the morning.
4. Are you up for making Anchorman 2?
I am ABSOLUTELY up for making Anchorman 2. I wasn't in the first one so I don't know what character I'd play...maybe Brick's daughter? Actually, that's not a bad idea - Will Ferrell, you give me a call.
3. What's the most outrageous rumor you've heard about yourself?
Oh, there are so many. I'm so famous, I can't keep myself out of the tabloids. It's crazy, really.
...
Ok so obviously I'm lying. I don't know that I've ever heard a rumor about myself. Either I'm so boring that nobody would bother, or I'm so outrageous that there is no need.
2. Your character in Land of the Lost punches Matt Lauer from The Today Show. Who in real life would you like to punch?
Oh, right, Land of the Lost, yeah, I was great in that movie. In real life, though, I would love to punch whichever Prison Break writer made the decision to kill off Wentworth Miller's character.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That happened. Don't worry, I'll be blogging about it later.
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Oh, man. I can't believe I didn't think of this last time I babysat.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Final. Episode. EVER.
17 hours until my viewing of the final Prison Break episode.
Final.
Episode.
EVER.
And all I have to say is...If I don't get some footage of Michael and Sara making a baby, I'm flying to LA so I can punch the writers out myself.
Final.
Episode.
EVER.
And all I have to say is...If I don't get some footage of Michael and Sara making a baby, I'm flying to LA so I can punch the writers out myself.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Crappy, crappy day
Ok, I should start by saying that there is only one person (that I know of) who'll be able to FULLY appreciate this story.
Julia, you'll know why once you're done reading it.
Here goes.
A Few Days Ago
A few days ago, I needed to print something off for school, so I went downstairs to my parents room to do so. Oh, yeah, that's how printing works in my house. We each have our own laptops, but the only computer actually connected to a printer is the ancient desktop in my parents room. So if someone wants to print something, they have to email it to themselves, go downstairs, log into Hotmail on the desktop, and print it from there.
Wow, could I have said the word print any more in that last paragraph?
Probably not.
Anyway. So as I was loading some paper into the printer, I noticed there were a few dead ants in the paper slot. Huh. Kind of weird.
In hindsight, I probably should have investigated the matter further. But it was late, there weren't that many dead ants, and well, I'm a lazy asshole. So I just brushed them away, and resumed printing.
Then a few days went by.
Today
Today I had some more printing to do. So I was halfway through, when the printer started beeping and flashing and telling me that the yellow and blue ink cartridges were empty. I went to lift the lid, you know, so I could replace them, and OH MY GOSH, THE INSIDE OF THE PRINTER WAS INFESTED WITH ANTS.
INFESTED.
WITH ANTS.
INFESTED WITH ANTS!
There were ants everywhere! Piles and piles! And, amongst the piles and piles of ants, there were piles and piles of these gross little while things I can only assume were ant eggs, just ready to hatch into more ants.
Oh my gosh, how traumatising for me.
So I found the ants. You know how sometimes, you have a moment, and you kind of wish someone was filming you? Just so you can replay it later, and laugh at yourself?
Yeah, this was one of those moments. Unfortunately, I'm not famous enough to be constantly filmed (yet. yet), so you guys will have to make do with just a description:
(I find the ants)
Me: Oh holy shit!
(I jump back from the printer)
Me: Um. Um...
(I pause to silently curse my past self for ignoring the ants when I first saw them. Then, I move back towards the printer to inspect them more closely)
Me: Ew. Are those eggs?
(I look around)
Me: Who am I talking to?
Ha. If only my life was a movie - I think my favourite part would have been the expression on my face when I realised I was talking to myself.
So then I had to unplug the printer, take it out the back, and vaccuum all the ants out of it.
And THAT is why today was a crappy, crappy day. Just in case the bad weather, the lack of good shows on tv and the fact that there was nothing to eat in the WHOLE house isn't enough, lets add the fact that the highlight of my day was vacuuming an ant colony out of my printer.
Julia, you'll know why once you're done reading it.
Here goes.
A Few Days Ago
A few days ago, I needed to print something off for school, so I went downstairs to my parents room to do so. Oh, yeah, that's how printing works in my house. We each have our own laptops, but the only computer actually connected to a printer is the ancient desktop in my parents room. So if someone wants to print something, they have to email it to themselves, go downstairs, log into Hotmail on the desktop, and print it from there.
Wow, could I have said the word print any more in that last paragraph?
Probably not.
Anyway. So as I was loading some paper into the printer, I noticed there were a few dead ants in the paper slot. Huh. Kind of weird.
In hindsight, I probably should have investigated the matter further. But it was late, there weren't that many dead ants, and well, I'm a lazy asshole. So I just brushed them away, and resumed printing.
Then a few days went by.
Today
Today I had some more printing to do. So I was halfway through, when the printer started beeping and flashing and telling me that the yellow and blue ink cartridges were empty. I went to lift the lid, you know, so I could replace them, and OH MY GOSH, THE INSIDE OF THE PRINTER WAS INFESTED WITH ANTS.
INFESTED.
WITH ANTS.
INFESTED WITH ANTS!
There were ants everywhere! Piles and piles! And, amongst the piles and piles of ants, there were piles and piles of these gross little while things I can only assume were ant eggs, just ready to hatch into more ants.
Oh my gosh, how traumatising for me.
So I found the ants. You know how sometimes, you have a moment, and you kind of wish someone was filming you? Just so you can replay it later, and laugh at yourself?
Yeah, this was one of those moments. Unfortunately, I'm not famous enough to be constantly filmed (yet. yet), so you guys will have to make do with just a description:
(I find the ants)
Me: Oh holy shit!
(I jump back from the printer)
Me: Um. Um...
(I pause to silently curse my past self for ignoring the ants when I first saw them. Then, I move back towards the printer to inspect them more closely)
Me: Ew. Are those eggs?
(I look around)
Me: Who am I talking to?
Ha. If only my life was a movie - I think my favourite part would have been the expression on my face when I realised I was talking to myself.
So then I had to unplug the printer, take it out the back, and vaccuum all the ants out of it.
And THAT is why today was a crappy, crappy day. Just in case the bad weather, the lack of good shows on tv and the fact that there was nothing to eat in the WHOLE house isn't enough, lets add the fact that the highlight of my day was vacuuming an ant colony out of my printer.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Rove's Final Five, Originally Intended For...Gina Riley
5. Speaking as a mother, would you shag Shia LaBeouf?
Well technically, I didn't actually give birth to my cat...though I do treat her alot like a baby...So okay, yes, I'll speak as a mother. No. No, I wouldn't. He's charming for sure, but no Wentworth.
4. Did you Twitter during the Logies?
I didn't. I was too busy making Liza Minnelli jokes about Gretel Killeen's new haircut.
3. Who is your favourite person to impersonate?
I don't know whether to brag about this or be totally embarrassed by it, but I can do a kick-ass BeeGees imitation.
2. Have you ever bought anything stupid off the television?
One word - snuggie.
Okay I lied. I didn't buy one, I just wore my dressing gown backwards one afternoon. Whatever, same thing.
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Booby pillow neck scarves?? HOW MUCH ARE THEY, AND WHERE CAN I GET ONE???!!!
Well technically, I didn't actually give birth to my cat...though I do treat her alot like a baby...So okay, yes, I'll speak as a mother. No. No, I wouldn't. He's charming for sure, but no Wentworth.
4. Did you Twitter during the Logies?
I didn't. I was too busy making Liza Minnelli jokes about Gretel Killeen's new haircut.
3. Who is your favourite person to impersonate?
I don't know whether to brag about this or be totally embarrassed by it, but I can do a kick-ass BeeGees imitation.
2. Have you ever bought anything stupid off the television?
One word - snuggie.
Okay I lied. I didn't buy one, I just wore my dressing gown backwards one afternoon. Whatever, same thing.
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Booby pillow neck scarves?? HOW MUCH ARE THEY, AND WHERE CAN I GET ONE???!!!
Friday, May 08, 2009
The Celebrity Doppel-Ganger Theory strikes back!
Today I learned a little known fact:
* NEWEST MEMBERS OF THE CDGT:
There are at least 7 other people in the world who look exactly like you
They might be a different height or weight or nationality or whatever, but still. Their face = your face.
Do you believe it? Can you believe it??
Do you know what this means?? The Celebrity Doppel-Ganger Theory* is back baby! It is BACK!
Ok, back might be the incorrect term to use, since we all know it never really left. What I really mean to say is, um, SUCKS TO ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO DEEMED THE CDGT (that's Celebrity Doppel-Ganger Theory in future-winner-of-the-Nobel-Peace-Prize talk) STUPID AND IMPOSSIBLE.
SUCKS.
TO.
YOU.
Ok but more importantly, do you know what else this means?
THERE ARE SEVEN OTHER ME'S OUT THERE! So of course I have made it my mission to gather us all together and take photos and start a circus, since nothing says 'freak show' quite like multiple copies of Jacki Trew.
Am I right?
I'm right.
Right?
Whatever. The point is, if you look like this:
Call me.
Oh, you know who else can call me? Anyone who looks like this:
They might be a different height or weight or nationality or whatever, but still. Their face = your face.
Do you believe it? Can you believe it??
Do you know what this means?? The Celebrity Doppel-Ganger Theory* is back baby! It is BACK!
Ok, back might be the incorrect term to use, since we all know it never really left. What I really mean to say is, um, SUCKS TO ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO DEEMED THE CDGT (that's Celebrity Doppel-Ganger Theory in future-winner-of-the-Nobel-Peace-Prize talk) STUPID AND IMPOSSIBLE.
SUCKS.
TO.
YOU.
Ok but more importantly, do you know what else this means?
THERE ARE SEVEN OTHER ME'S OUT THERE! So of course I have made it my mission to gather us all together and take photos and start a circus, since nothing says 'freak show' quite like multiple copies of Jacki Trew.
Am I right?
I'm right.
Right?
Whatever. The point is, if you look like this:
Call me.Oh, you know who else can call me? Anyone who looks like this:
* NEWEST MEMBERS OF THE CDGT:
- Catherine Trew/Tina Arena
- Daniel Watterson/Ronan Keating
- Ben Jackson/Jason Segel
- That Lady That Catches My Bus/Kirstie Clements
I just don't get it
"Through thick and thin."
Right. So I get the gist of it - like, if someone, say, Wentworth Miller, were to look down into my eyes and whisper tenderly 'Jacki, I love you more than anything. I'll stick with you - through thick or thin', I would get it.
Through good times and bad times, right?
Right.
But...which is thick, and which is thin?
WAIT!
Because I know what you're all thinking: Thin is bad, thick is good. Dumbass.
Yeah, well that's what I thought too.
At first.
I mean, that could be right - during bad times, there isn't much good stuff, right? So, if you were to squish all the good stuff together into a human shaped...thing, well, it would be a thin human shaped thing, because there wouldn't be much good stuff to squish together!
Oh, I don't know why its a human shaped thing. Just go with me on this.
So yeah, that's why that makes sense.
BUT.
What about if thick means bad?
I mean, that could also be right - during bad times, there's lots of bad stuff, right? So, if you were to squish all the bad stuff together into a cloud shaped...thing, well, it would be a thick could shaped thing, because there would be heaps of bad stuff to squish together!
Also, bad times are hard, right? And thick things are also hard...like, hard to walk through. Have you ever tried to walk through a swimming pool filled with maple syrup? It's hard!
Alright, now I don't know what confuses me more; the saying "through thick and thin", or how I ended up talking about trying to walk through a swimming pool filled with maple syrup.
Well, I don't really know which is which - all I know for certain is that I... am an idiot.
Right. So I get the gist of it - like, if someone, say, Wentworth Miller, were to look down into my eyes and whisper tenderly 'Jacki, I love you more than anything. I'll stick with you - through thick or thin', I would get it.
Through good times and bad times, right?
Right.
But...which is thick, and which is thin?
WAIT!
Because I know what you're all thinking: Thin is bad, thick is good. Dumbass.
Yeah, well that's what I thought too.
At first.
I mean, that could be right - during bad times, there isn't much good stuff, right? So, if you were to squish all the good stuff together into a human shaped...thing, well, it would be a thin human shaped thing, because there wouldn't be much good stuff to squish together!
Oh, I don't know why its a human shaped thing. Just go with me on this.
So yeah, that's why that makes sense.
BUT.
What about if thick means bad?
I mean, that could also be right - during bad times, there's lots of bad stuff, right? So, if you were to squish all the bad stuff together into a cloud shaped...thing, well, it would be a thick could shaped thing, because there would be heaps of bad stuff to squish together!
Also, bad times are hard, right? And thick things are also hard...like, hard to walk through. Have you ever tried to walk through a swimming pool filled with maple syrup? It's hard!
Alright, now I don't know what confuses me more; the saying "through thick and thin", or how I ended up talking about trying to walk through a swimming pool filled with maple syrup.
Well, I don't really know which is which - all I know for certain is that I... am an idiot.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
She shoots, she fails
Ok so if there was any glimmer of hope that I had retained some of the talent for shooting I had in high school - and I mean, lets be honest, there wasn't even much talent back then - it's officially gone after tonight's game.
I mean.
Really.
I would love to watch myself play netball, just to get a laugh.
Speaking of netball, what is with all the other teams in our competition? We're the ONLY ones who talk. Or laugh. Or cheer. Or BREATHE!.
No, only kidding. The other teams do breathe. Well I mean, I'm pretty sure they do.
But seriously. Playing netball in silence is creepy. It's way too intense. That's why I like to counteract the absence of noise by yelling stupid stuff out from the sidelines:
AFTER KIERA GETS A GOAL:
Jacki: I like you Kiera!!
AFTER ISSY INTERCEPTS A PASS:
Jacki: Oh. Um. YAY!
AFTER ANYTHING HAPPENS:
Jacki: GO SCORGASMS!
(ok, so technically our team name is The Panthers, but I'll always think of us as The Multiple Scorgasms)
And it's even more fun when I have someone else to do it with me. Tonight, that person was Jen. It went like this:
AFTER JULIA REACHES TO INTERCEPT A PASS:
Jen: Good arms, Julia!
pause
Jacki: Great arms, Julia (winks)
Ha.
Haha.
Oh, speaking of Julia...Here's what I love about Julia (among other things).
She has this face. I call it The Face Of Defeat. I see it alot during netball games - I don't know why, I mean, we are such a good team. Anyway, here's what it looks like:
Only, you know. Much prettier. My paint skills just arent sharp enough to handle Julia's face.
You know who else had a great face at netball tonight? Lucy. Hi Lucy! Because I know you read my blog, see?
Anyway, there was this moment where Lucy was running for the ball, and her face was so focused, so furious, so red with exertion. I loved it. I loved it so much. It was absolutely my play of the day. Or, rather, night. I would draw it, but I have a feeling I would just end up offending not only Lucy, but the entire female population. It's not that your face was ugly, Luce! Like I said about Julia: my paint skills just aren't strong enough to handle your chisled features.
I mean.
Really.
I would love to watch myself play netball, just to get a laugh.
Speaking of netball, what is with all the other teams in our competition? We're the ONLY ones who talk. Or laugh. Or cheer. Or BREATHE!.
No, only kidding. The other teams do breathe. Well I mean, I'm pretty sure they do.
But seriously. Playing netball in silence is creepy. It's way too intense. That's why I like to counteract the absence of noise by yelling stupid stuff out from the sidelines:
AFTER KIERA GETS A GOAL:
Jacki: I like you Kiera!!
AFTER ISSY INTERCEPTS A PASS:
Jacki: Oh. Um. YAY!
AFTER ANYTHING HAPPENS:
Jacki: GO SCORGASMS!
(ok, so technically our team name is The Panthers, but I'll always think of us as The Multiple Scorgasms)
And it's even more fun when I have someone else to do it with me. Tonight, that person was Jen. It went like this:
AFTER JULIA REACHES TO INTERCEPT A PASS:
Jen: Good arms, Julia!
pause
Jacki: Great arms, Julia (winks)
Ha.
Haha.
Oh, speaking of Julia...Here's what I love about Julia (among other things).
She has this face. I call it The Face Of Defeat. I see it alot during netball games - I don't know why, I mean, we are such a good team. Anyway, here's what it looks like:
Only, you know. Much prettier. My paint skills just arent sharp enough to handle Julia's face.
You know who else had a great face at netball tonight? Lucy. Hi Lucy! Because I know you read my blog, see?
Anyway, there was this moment where Lucy was running for the ball, and her face was so focused, so furious, so red with exertion. I loved it. I loved it so much. It was absolutely my play of the day. Or, rather, night. I would draw it, but I have a feeling I would just end up offending not only Lucy, but the entire female population. It's not that your face was ugly, Luce! Like I said about Julia: my paint skills just aren't strong enough to handle your chisled features.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)