Sadly, no, I'm not talking about myself.
Not yet anyway.
I'm talking about this band I just found called The Trews.
The Trews.
Is that awesome or what?
It's awesome.
I like to think they named themselves after me. And, I guess, the rest of my relatives. Anyway, here is where you can listen to their stuff, and here is a conversation I had with my sister about them:
Jacki: Hey d'you know there is this band called The Trews? And it's spelled the same way as our last name!
Catherine: Ha. That's pretty cool
Jacki: I know, right! Go listen to them. I just downloaded the whole album. Illegally though, so shh don't tell anyone*. But it's good
Catherine: What kind of music?
Jacki: Rock
Catherine: I don't really like rock
Jacki: Well then you suck. I'm annoyed though - that's totally was I was going to name my band!
Catherine: Really?
Jacki: Of course not. I'm going to name my band The Toasts. Everyone knows that.
Haha. The Toasts. Performing soon at a wedding, high school formal or 14th birthday party near you!
*Oh woops. I just told everyone.
Oh well.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Chocolate/Mint flavoured water? No. I don't think so.
Oh, my gosh, only 2 blogs in the past fortnight.
What can I say? Nothing that interesting has happened for a while...UNTIL THIS THURSDAY, THAT IS!!!
Because guess what happened?
Guess. Guess!
Did you guess?
MADI GOT HER P'S!
Yaaaaaay!
First try and everything. I am so proud. And now I have another chauffeur! Haha. Don't worry Madi, I'm only kidding.
Or am I?
Haha, yes, I am.
...
Or am I?
Yes. Yes I am.
OR AM I?
Yes.
....
....
No I'm not.
Haha, ok, enough.
So here, Madi, sweetie, honey, cookie, love of my life - here is a photo of the P-Plate Cake I've been promising to make you when you got your P's:
Ok, so obviously that isn't a photo of the P-Plate Cake. I tried to find a picture of one, but Google Images didn't have any P-Plate cakes, they only had License Plate cakes. I chose the man-one license plate because it made me laugh the most.
I mean.
What possible reason could someone have to put the words "Man One" on a cake?
Here's something else that happened this week: I went to Senso Metrics.
You know, the consumer testing place? You go and eat samples of a new kind of food, and write down what you think about it, and they give you $40? Yeah, it's awesome. Well usually it is. Except guess what I was testing?
Water.
Yeah, water.
Ok, it was flavoured water. But not a good flavour - it was mint flavour.
Mint.
Like, different kinds of mint.
OrangeMint, LemonMint, SpearMint, PepperMint, and - wait for it. Wait for it. Are you waiting? Oh, you know what, it doesn't even matter, because no amount of waiting will prepare you for what I'm about to say - CHOCOLATEMINT.
Whose idea was it to create chocolate/mint flavoured water?
I don't know.
But whoever it was, they better run. Because I'm coming for them.
What can I say? Nothing that interesting has happened for a while...UNTIL THIS THURSDAY, THAT IS!!!
Because guess what happened?
Guess. Guess!
Did you guess?
MADI GOT HER P'S!
Yaaaaaay!
First try and everything. I am so proud. And now I have another chauffeur! Haha. Don't worry Madi, I'm only kidding.
Or am I?
Haha, yes, I am.
...
Or am I?
Yes. Yes I am.
OR AM I?
Yes.
....
....
No I'm not.
Haha, ok, enough.
So here, Madi, sweetie, honey, cookie, love of my life - here is a photo of the P-Plate Cake I've been promising to make you when you got your P's:
Ok, so obviously that isn't a photo of the P-Plate Cake. I tried to find a picture of one, but Google Images didn't have any P-Plate cakes, they only had License Plate cakes. I chose the man-one license plate because it made me laugh the most.
I mean.
What possible reason could someone have to put the words "Man One" on a cake?
Here's something else that happened this week: I went to Senso Metrics.
You know, the consumer testing place? You go and eat samples of a new kind of food, and write down what you think about it, and they give you $40? Yeah, it's awesome. Well usually it is. Except guess what I was testing?
Water.
Yeah, water.
Ok, it was flavoured water. But not a good flavour - it was mint flavour.
Mint.
Like, different kinds of mint.
OrangeMint, LemonMint, SpearMint, PepperMint, and - wait for it. Wait for it. Are you waiting? Oh, you know what, it doesn't even matter, because no amount of waiting will prepare you for what I'm about to say - CHOCOLATEMINT.
Whose idea was it to create chocolate/mint flavoured water?
I don't know.
But whoever it was, they better run. Because I'm coming for them.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Looks like Rove has been reading my blog
Did anyone else watch Rove tonight?
And in particular, a little segment called PeteSpace? Well, if you did, you (like me) might have noticed...
THEY TOTALLY TALKED ABOUT THE SNUGGIE!!
Remember The Snuggie? The ridiculous blanket with sleeves? The one that I blogged about - LIKE THREE WEEKS AGO!!
Oh, my gosh.
They even made fun of the same things I made fun of; the parents high-fiving at the footy game, the free booklight, the fact that it's a blanket with sleeves...
I'm telling you, Rove has been reading my blog. He's probably reading it right now! You know, getting material for NEXT weeks show.
Hi Rove!
See anything you like?
And in particular, a little segment called PeteSpace? Well, if you did, you (like me) might have noticed...
THEY TOTALLY TALKED ABOUT THE SNUGGIE!!
Remember The Snuggie? The ridiculous blanket with sleeves? The one that I blogged about - LIKE THREE WEEKS AGO!!
Oh, my gosh.
They even made fun of the same things I made fun of; the parents high-fiving at the footy game, the free booklight, the fact that it's a blanket with sleeves...
I'm telling you, Rove has been reading my blog. He's probably reading it right now! You know, getting material for NEXT weeks show.
Hi Rove!
See anything you like?
Rove's Final Five, Originally Intended For...Will Ferrell
5. Have you ever done anything illegal while on holiday in an overseas country?
Haha. Yes. Oh, yes. Since my Mum has made a recent habit of not only reading my blog, but showing it to her friends at work, I'm not going to go into any details...But I will say it involves a German girl, a fake ID, and a trip to Safeway at 3 in the morning.
4. Are you up for making Anchorman 2?
I am ABSOLUTELY up for making Anchorman 2. I wasn't in the first one so I don't know what character I'd play...maybe Brick's daughter? Actually, that's not a bad idea - Will Ferrell, you give me a call.
3. What's the most outrageous rumor you've heard about yourself?
Oh, there are so many. I'm so famous, I can't keep myself out of the tabloids. It's crazy, really.
...
Ok so obviously I'm lying. I don't know that I've ever heard a rumor about myself. Either I'm so boring that nobody would bother, or I'm so outrageous that there is no need.
2. Your character in Land of the Lost punches Matt Lauer from The Today Show. Who in real life would you like to punch?
Oh, right, Land of the Lost, yeah, I was great in that movie. In real life, though, I would love to punch whichever Prison Break writer made the decision to kill off Wentworth Miller's character.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That happened. Don't worry, I'll be blogging about it later.
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Oh, man. I can't believe I didn't think of this last time I babysat.
Haha. Yes. Oh, yes. Since my Mum has made a recent habit of not only reading my blog, but showing it to her friends at work, I'm not going to go into any details...But I will say it involves a German girl, a fake ID, and a trip to Safeway at 3 in the morning.
4. Are you up for making Anchorman 2?
I am ABSOLUTELY up for making Anchorman 2. I wasn't in the first one so I don't know what character I'd play...maybe Brick's daughter? Actually, that's not a bad idea - Will Ferrell, you give me a call.
3. What's the most outrageous rumor you've heard about yourself?
Oh, there are so many. I'm so famous, I can't keep myself out of the tabloids. It's crazy, really.
...
Ok so obviously I'm lying. I don't know that I've ever heard a rumor about myself. Either I'm so boring that nobody would bother, or I'm so outrageous that there is no need.
2. Your character in Land of the Lost punches Matt Lauer from The Today Show. Who in real life would you like to punch?
Oh, right, Land of the Lost, yeah, I was great in that movie. In real life, though, I would love to punch whichever Prison Break writer made the decision to kill off Wentworth Miller's character.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That happened. Don't worry, I'll be blogging about it later.
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Oh, man. I can't believe I didn't think of this last time I babysat.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Final. Episode. EVER.
17 hours until my viewing of the final Prison Break episode.
Final.
Episode.
EVER.
And all I have to say is...If I don't get some footage of Michael and Sara making a baby, I'm flying to LA so I can punch the writers out myself.
Final.
Episode.
EVER.
And all I have to say is...If I don't get some footage of Michael and Sara making a baby, I'm flying to LA so I can punch the writers out myself.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Crappy, crappy day
Ok, I should start by saying that there is only one person (that I know of) who'll be able to FULLY appreciate this story.
Julia, you'll know why once you're done reading it.
Here goes.
A Few Days Ago
A few days ago, I needed to print something off for school, so I went downstairs to my parents room to do so. Oh, yeah, that's how printing works in my house. We each have our own laptops, but the only computer actually connected to a printer is the ancient desktop in my parents room. So if someone wants to print something, they have to email it to themselves, go downstairs, log into Hotmail on the desktop, and print it from there.
Wow, could I have said the word print any more in that last paragraph?
Probably not.
Anyway. So as I was loading some paper into the printer, I noticed there were a few dead ants in the paper slot. Huh. Kind of weird.
In hindsight, I probably should have investigated the matter further. But it was late, there weren't that many dead ants, and well, I'm a lazy asshole. So I just brushed them away, and resumed printing.
Then a few days went by.
Today
Today I had some more printing to do. So I was halfway through, when the printer started beeping and flashing and telling me that the yellow and blue ink cartridges were empty. I went to lift the lid, you know, so I could replace them, and OH MY GOSH, THE INSIDE OF THE PRINTER WAS INFESTED WITH ANTS.
INFESTED.
WITH ANTS.
INFESTED WITH ANTS!
There were ants everywhere! Piles and piles! And, amongst the piles and piles of ants, there were piles and piles of these gross little while things I can only assume were ant eggs, just ready to hatch into more ants.
Oh my gosh, how traumatising for me.
So I found the ants. You know how sometimes, you have a moment, and you kind of wish someone was filming you? Just so you can replay it later, and laugh at yourself?
Yeah, this was one of those moments. Unfortunately, I'm not famous enough to be constantly filmed (yet. yet), so you guys will have to make do with just a description:
(I find the ants)
Me: Oh holy shit!
(I jump back from the printer)
Me: Um. Um...
(I pause to silently curse my past self for ignoring the ants when I first saw them. Then, I move back towards the printer to inspect them more closely)
Me: Ew. Are those eggs?
(I look around)
Me: Who am I talking to?
Ha. If only my life was a movie - I think my favourite part would have been the expression on my face when I realised I was talking to myself.
So then I had to unplug the printer, take it out the back, and vaccuum all the ants out of it.
And THAT is why today was a crappy, crappy day. Just in case the bad weather, the lack of good shows on tv and the fact that there was nothing to eat in the WHOLE house isn't enough, lets add the fact that the highlight of my day was vacuuming an ant colony out of my printer.
Julia, you'll know why once you're done reading it.
Here goes.
A Few Days Ago
A few days ago, I needed to print something off for school, so I went downstairs to my parents room to do so. Oh, yeah, that's how printing works in my house. We each have our own laptops, but the only computer actually connected to a printer is the ancient desktop in my parents room. So if someone wants to print something, they have to email it to themselves, go downstairs, log into Hotmail on the desktop, and print it from there.
Wow, could I have said the word print any more in that last paragraph?
Probably not.
Anyway. So as I was loading some paper into the printer, I noticed there were a few dead ants in the paper slot. Huh. Kind of weird.
In hindsight, I probably should have investigated the matter further. But it was late, there weren't that many dead ants, and well, I'm a lazy asshole. So I just brushed them away, and resumed printing.
Then a few days went by.
Today
Today I had some more printing to do. So I was halfway through, when the printer started beeping and flashing and telling me that the yellow and blue ink cartridges were empty. I went to lift the lid, you know, so I could replace them, and OH MY GOSH, THE INSIDE OF THE PRINTER WAS INFESTED WITH ANTS.
INFESTED.
WITH ANTS.
INFESTED WITH ANTS!
There were ants everywhere! Piles and piles! And, amongst the piles and piles of ants, there were piles and piles of these gross little while things I can only assume were ant eggs, just ready to hatch into more ants.
Oh my gosh, how traumatising for me.
So I found the ants. You know how sometimes, you have a moment, and you kind of wish someone was filming you? Just so you can replay it later, and laugh at yourself?
Yeah, this was one of those moments. Unfortunately, I'm not famous enough to be constantly filmed (yet. yet), so you guys will have to make do with just a description:
(I find the ants)
Me: Oh holy shit!
(I jump back from the printer)
Me: Um. Um...
(I pause to silently curse my past self for ignoring the ants when I first saw them. Then, I move back towards the printer to inspect them more closely)
Me: Ew. Are those eggs?
(I look around)
Me: Who am I talking to?
Ha. If only my life was a movie - I think my favourite part would have been the expression on my face when I realised I was talking to myself.
So then I had to unplug the printer, take it out the back, and vaccuum all the ants out of it.
And THAT is why today was a crappy, crappy day. Just in case the bad weather, the lack of good shows on tv and the fact that there was nothing to eat in the WHOLE house isn't enough, lets add the fact that the highlight of my day was vacuuming an ant colony out of my printer.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Rove's Final Five, Originally Intended For...Gina Riley
5. Speaking as a mother, would you shag Shia LaBeouf?
Well technically, I didn't actually give birth to my cat...though I do treat her alot like a baby...So okay, yes, I'll speak as a mother. No. No, I wouldn't. He's charming for sure, but no Wentworth.
4. Did you Twitter during the Logies?
I didn't. I was too busy making Liza Minnelli jokes about Gretel Killeen's new haircut.
3. Who is your favourite person to impersonate?
I don't know whether to brag about this or be totally embarrassed by it, but I can do a kick-ass BeeGees imitation.
2. Have you ever bought anything stupid off the television?
One word - snuggie.
Okay I lied. I didn't buy one, I just wore my dressing gown backwards one afternoon. Whatever, same thing.
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Booby pillow neck scarves?? HOW MUCH ARE THEY, AND WHERE CAN I GET ONE???!!!
Well technically, I didn't actually give birth to my cat...though I do treat her alot like a baby...So okay, yes, I'll speak as a mother. No. No, I wouldn't. He's charming for sure, but no Wentworth.
4. Did you Twitter during the Logies?
I didn't. I was too busy making Liza Minnelli jokes about Gretel Killeen's new haircut.
3. Who is your favourite person to impersonate?
I don't know whether to brag about this or be totally embarrassed by it, but I can do a kick-ass BeeGees imitation.
2. Have you ever bought anything stupid off the television?
One word - snuggie.
Okay I lied. I didn't buy one, I just wore my dressing gown backwards one afternoon. Whatever, same thing.
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Booby pillow neck scarves?? HOW MUCH ARE THEY, AND WHERE CAN I GET ONE???!!!
Friday, May 08, 2009
The Celebrity Doppel-Ganger Theory strikes back!
Today I learned a little known fact:
* NEWEST MEMBERS OF THE CDGT:
There are at least 7 other people in the world who look exactly like you
They might be a different height or weight or nationality or whatever, but still. Their face = your face.
Do you believe it? Can you believe it??
Do you know what this means?? The Celebrity Doppel-Ganger Theory* is back baby! It is BACK!
Ok, back might be the incorrect term to use, since we all know it never really left. What I really mean to say is, um, SUCKS TO ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO DEEMED THE CDGT (that's Celebrity Doppel-Ganger Theory in future-winner-of-the-Nobel-Peace-Prize talk) STUPID AND IMPOSSIBLE.
SUCKS.
TO.
YOU.
Ok but more importantly, do you know what else this means?
THERE ARE SEVEN OTHER ME'S OUT THERE! So of course I have made it my mission to gather us all together and take photos and start a circus, since nothing says 'freak show' quite like multiple copies of Jacki Trew.
Am I right?
I'm right.
Right?
Whatever. The point is, if you look like this:
Call me.
Oh, you know who else can call me? Anyone who looks like this:
They might be a different height or weight or nationality or whatever, but still. Their face = your face.
Do you believe it? Can you believe it??
Do you know what this means?? The Celebrity Doppel-Ganger Theory* is back baby! It is BACK!
Ok, back might be the incorrect term to use, since we all know it never really left. What I really mean to say is, um, SUCKS TO ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO DEEMED THE CDGT (that's Celebrity Doppel-Ganger Theory in future-winner-of-the-Nobel-Peace-Prize talk) STUPID AND IMPOSSIBLE.
SUCKS.
TO.
YOU.
Ok but more importantly, do you know what else this means?
THERE ARE SEVEN OTHER ME'S OUT THERE! So of course I have made it my mission to gather us all together and take photos and start a circus, since nothing says 'freak show' quite like multiple copies of Jacki Trew.
Am I right?
I'm right.
Right?
Whatever. The point is, if you look like this:
Call me.Oh, you know who else can call me? Anyone who looks like this:
* NEWEST MEMBERS OF THE CDGT:
- Catherine Trew/Tina Arena
- Daniel Watterson/Ronan Keating
- Ben Jackson/Jason Segel
- That Lady That Catches My Bus/Kirstie Clements
I just don't get it
"Through thick and thin."
Right. So I get the gist of it - like, if someone, say, Wentworth Miller, were to look down into my eyes and whisper tenderly 'Jacki, I love you more than anything. I'll stick with you - through thick or thin', I would get it.
Through good times and bad times, right?
Right.
But...which is thick, and which is thin?
WAIT!
Because I know what you're all thinking: Thin is bad, thick is good. Dumbass.
Yeah, well that's what I thought too.
At first.
I mean, that could be right - during bad times, there isn't much good stuff, right? So, if you were to squish all the good stuff together into a human shaped...thing, well, it would be a thin human shaped thing, because there wouldn't be much good stuff to squish together!
Oh, I don't know why its a human shaped thing. Just go with me on this.
So yeah, that's why that makes sense.
BUT.
What about if thick means bad?
I mean, that could also be right - during bad times, there's lots of bad stuff, right? So, if you were to squish all the bad stuff together into a cloud shaped...thing, well, it would be a thick could shaped thing, because there would be heaps of bad stuff to squish together!
Also, bad times are hard, right? And thick things are also hard...like, hard to walk through. Have you ever tried to walk through a swimming pool filled with maple syrup? It's hard!
Alright, now I don't know what confuses me more; the saying "through thick and thin", or how I ended up talking about trying to walk through a swimming pool filled with maple syrup.
Well, I don't really know which is which - all I know for certain is that I... am an idiot.
Right. So I get the gist of it - like, if someone, say, Wentworth Miller, were to look down into my eyes and whisper tenderly 'Jacki, I love you more than anything. I'll stick with you - through thick or thin', I would get it.
Through good times and bad times, right?
Right.
But...which is thick, and which is thin?
WAIT!
Because I know what you're all thinking: Thin is bad, thick is good. Dumbass.
Yeah, well that's what I thought too.
At first.
I mean, that could be right - during bad times, there isn't much good stuff, right? So, if you were to squish all the good stuff together into a human shaped...thing, well, it would be a thin human shaped thing, because there wouldn't be much good stuff to squish together!
Oh, I don't know why its a human shaped thing. Just go with me on this.
So yeah, that's why that makes sense.
BUT.
What about if thick means bad?
I mean, that could also be right - during bad times, there's lots of bad stuff, right? So, if you were to squish all the bad stuff together into a cloud shaped...thing, well, it would be a thick could shaped thing, because there would be heaps of bad stuff to squish together!
Also, bad times are hard, right? And thick things are also hard...like, hard to walk through. Have you ever tried to walk through a swimming pool filled with maple syrup? It's hard!
Alright, now I don't know what confuses me more; the saying "through thick and thin", or how I ended up talking about trying to walk through a swimming pool filled with maple syrup.
Well, I don't really know which is which - all I know for certain is that I... am an idiot.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
She shoots, she fails
Ok so if there was any glimmer of hope that I had retained some of the talent for shooting I had in high school - and I mean, lets be honest, there wasn't even much talent back then - it's officially gone after tonight's game.
I mean.
Really.
I would love to watch myself play netball, just to get a laugh.
Speaking of netball, what is with all the other teams in our competition? We're the ONLY ones who talk. Or laugh. Or cheer. Or BREATHE!.
No, only kidding. The other teams do breathe. Well I mean, I'm pretty sure they do.
But seriously. Playing netball in silence is creepy. It's way too intense. That's why I like to counteract the absence of noise by yelling stupid stuff out from the sidelines:
AFTER KIERA GETS A GOAL:
Jacki: I like you Kiera!!
AFTER ISSY INTERCEPTS A PASS:
Jacki: Oh. Um. YAY!
AFTER ANYTHING HAPPENS:
Jacki: GO SCORGASMS!
(ok, so technically our team name is The Panthers, but I'll always think of us as The Multiple Scorgasms)
And it's even more fun when I have someone else to do it with me. Tonight, that person was Jen. It went like this:
AFTER JULIA REACHES TO INTERCEPT A PASS:
Jen: Good arms, Julia!
pause
Jacki: Great arms, Julia (winks)
Ha.
Haha.
Oh, speaking of Julia...Here's what I love about Julia (among other things).
She has this face. I call it The Face Of Defeat. I see it alot during netball games - I don't know why, I mean, we are such a good team. Anyway, here's what it looks like:
Only, you know. Much prettier. My paint skills just arent sharp enough to handle Julia's face.
You know who else had a great face at netball tonight? Lucy. Hi Lucy! Because I know you read my blog, see?
Anyway, there was this moment where Lucy was running for the ball, and her face was so focused, so furious, so red with exertion. I loved it. I loved it so much. It was absolutely my play of the day. Or, rather, night. I would draw it, but I have a feeling I would just end up offending not only Lucy, but the entire female population. It's not that your face was ugly, Luce! Like I said about Julia: my paint skills just aren't strong enough to handle your chisled features.
I mean.
Really.
I would love to watch myself play netball, just to get a laugh.
Speaking of netball, what is with all the other teams in our competition? We're the ONLY ones who talk. Or laugh. Or cheer. Or BREATHE!.
No, only kidding. The other teams do breathe. Well I mean, I'm pretty sure they do.
But seriously. Playing netball in silence is creepy. It's way too intense. That's why I like to counteract the absence of noise by yelling stupid stuff out from the sidelines:
AFTER KIERA GETS A GOAL:
Jacki: I like you Kiera!!
AFTER ISSY INTERCEPTS A PASS:
Jacki: Oh. Um. YAY!
AFTER ANYTHING HAPPENS:
Jacki: GO SCORGASMS!
(ok, so technically our team name is The Panthers, but I'll always think of us as The Multiple Scorgasms)
And it's even more fun when I have someone else to do it with me. Tonight, that person was Jen. It went like this:
AFTER JULIA REACHES TO INTERCEPT A PASS:
Jen: Good arms, Julia!
pause
Jacki: Great arms, Julia (winks)
Ha.
Haha.
Oh, speaking of Julia...Here's what I love about Julia (among other things).
She has this face. I call it The Face Of Defeat. I see it alot during netball games - I don't know why, I mean, we are such a good team. Anyway, here's what it looks like:
Only, you know. Much prettier. My paint skills just arent sharp enough to handle Julia's face.
You know who else had a great face at netball tonight? Lucy. Hi Lucy! Because I know you read my blog, see?
Anyway, there was this moment where Lucy was running for the ball, and her face was so focused, so furious, so red with exertion. I loved it. I loved it so much. It was absolutely my play of the day. Or, rather, night. I would draw it, but I have a feeling I would just end up offending not only Lucy, but the entire female population. It's not that your face was ugly, Luce! Like I said about Julia: my paint skills just aren't strong enough to handle your chisled features.
Work experience - it's just like watching Jaws
So for those of you who don't know - and I'm guessing that's pretty much everyone, seeings as I didn't exactly announce it - I had work experience at Insight 51 this week.
Oh yeah.
I put a link on Insight 51, so you can all go to the website and see how cool it is. Also because I wanted to show off my wicked linking skills. Anyway.
So I had work experience. I say had, because today was my last day.
And thank GOODNESS for that.
Alright, let me explain.
So when Michelle, the careers adviser at FBI (haha, careers adviser. Is anyone else having Vera Cranston flashbacks at the mere mention of those words? Because I am!) described what I was going to be doing all week, she made it sound fun. Like this:
"Oh, its going to be so much fun! They need you guys (that's me and Lucinda, also from FBI) to help put some gift bags together for the buyers. I think they need you to do some beading? So it'll be really fun, and easy, you just get to sit and bead, and chat. Fun! Easy! Super fun! Ohmigosh! THE MOST FUN YOU HAVE EVER HAD IN YOUR LIFE! Honestly, girls, I'm jealous that I don't get to come with you. That's how fun and easy it will be."
Aha.
Ahaha.
I am so sure.
NOT.
Ok, it was torture. Honestly, torture. For the first day, we did nothing - NOTHING - but thread beads onto string. For hours. And hours. Ok, we started at 10am, and finished at 5pm. We got 20 minutes for lunch. And the rest of the time, it was all about the beads.
And these were no ordinary beads, either. And no ordinary string - they were tiny beads. And it was tiny string.
TINY BEADS.
TINY STRING.
Do you know what that can do to a person?
I FELT LIKE I WAS TAKING CRAZY PILLS!
I mean, even more so than usual!!
What made it even more torturous was that we kept expecting it to end, but it didn't. Like, yeah, we knew we were supposed to be there from 10 til 5, but Michelle said they would probably let us go earlier than that. So everytime somebody came over to laugh at us - because, you know, if you're not the one doing it, the concept of beading for 7 straight hours is pretty laughable - we would wait for them to tell us we could leave.
But did they?
DID THEY?
No.
They didn't.
Ok, day two.
It started off well. We got there in the morning, and were informed that we would be working upstairs.
UPSTAIRS? To someone who had spent the previous day sitting in a tiny isolated office threading freaking beads onto freaking string for hours, this was the best possible news.
Upstairs meant up. Up, away from the office and the beads and the string and the hell that was the previous day.
So we're walking up the stairs, all jittery and excited over the process of not having to bead, we turn the corner, and what do we see?
WHAT DO WE SEE?
A table.
A HUGE table.
Covered in beads.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(That's what it sounded like on the inside of my head).
So, for the second day in a row, we beaded. For 7 hours, minus 20 minutes for lunch.
Today was the third day, the frost (thats a little John Marsden humour for you readers of the Tomorrow Series).
So for the first half of the day, guess what we did?
Guess.
Go on, guess.
Did you guess beading?
Yeah, you were right.
Ok, but after we came back from lunch, something exciting happened.
NO MORE BEADING!
That's right. No more beading, they told us. Now it was time for something completely different. Now it was time to tie the bead strings together at the ends, to form necklaces.
Yeah.
Right.
At this point, I was ready to kill somebody.
Ready and willing.
But I didn't, because the final episode of Prison Break in on in like 2 weeks, and if I went to jail for murder, I would probably miss it.
Ok, where was I?
Oh, right, making necklaces.
So you would think, wouldn't you, that after 2 and a half days of beading, doing something as simple as tying a knot would be a welcome break, right?
Right?
WRONG!
And I'll tell you why: BECAUSE TYING KNOTS IS A BITCH.
A bitch that just won't quit.
Because we couldn't just tie the two ends of the bead string together, and call it a day. No no. We had to tie a perfect knot, then snip the thread ends off, then burn the knot with a lighter until the string melted, and then use our fingers to squish the melted string knot into a "perfect bead-shaped ball."
Perfect bead-shaped ball.
PERFECT BEAD-SHAPED BALL?
Who says stuff like that?
So now all my fingers and one of my thumbs are all burnt from squishing super-heated string knots into perfect bead-shaped balls. And the other thumb is red and calussed from flipping the lighter on so many times.
Ok, so it was all shaping up to be a pretty bad experience.
UNTIL one of the designers from Insight came over to us and was all "I just want to thank you girls so much for helping out this week", and gave us a free top each.
FREE TOP!
FREE TOP!
And I looked at the price tag - $80!! Not too shabby, Insight 51.
Not too shabby at all.
Ok, so here is my conclusion: Work experience is just like watching Jaws. Remember what I said about Jaws a few posts back? Here's a little refresher:
Well, when you first think about it, it's awesome, then the more you think about it, it's not that great...then you think about it some more, and it becomes awesome again.
Yeah.
Work experience is just like that: You start off being misled into thinking it's going to be awesomely easy and fun. Then, after a day, you feel like you would rather put fish-hooks through your nipples and fly yourself off the Chrystler Building than do it again. Then you get given a free t-shirt, and all is right with the world again.
Huh.
Maybe its not like watching Jaws at all.
Well, whatever.
Oh yeah.
I put a link on Insight 51, so you can all go to the website and see how cool it is. Also because I wanted to show off my wicked linking skills. Anyway.
So I had work experience. I say had, because today was my last day.
And thank GOODNESS for that.
Alright, let me explain.
So when Michelle, the careers adviser at FBI (haha, careers adviser. Is anyone else having Vera Cranston flashbacks at the mere mention of those words? Because I am!) described what I was going to be doing all week, she made it sound fun. Like this:
"Oh, its going to be so much fun! They need you guys (that's me and Lucinda, also from FBI) to help put some gift bags together for the buyers. I think they need you to do some beading? So it'll be really fun, and easy, you just get to sit and bead, and chat. Fun! Easy! Super fun! Ohmigosh! THE MOST FUN YOU HAVE EVER HAD IN YOUR LIFE! Honestly, girls, I'm jealous that I don't get to come with you. That's how fun and easy it will be."
Aha.
Ahaha.
I am so sure.
NOT.
Ok, it was torture. Honestly, torture. For the first day, we did nothing - NOTHING - but thread beads onto string. For hours. And hours. Ok, we started at 10am, and finished at 5pm. We got 20 minutes for lunch. And the rest of the time, it was all about the beads.
And these were no ordinary beads, either. And no ordinary string - they were tiny beads. And it was tiny string.
TINY BEADS.
TINY STRING.
Do you know what that can do to a person?
I FELT LIKE I WAS TAKING CRAZY PILLS!
I mean, even more so than usual!!
What made it even more torturous was that we kept expecting it to end, but it didn't. Like, yeah, we knew we were supposed to be there from 10 til 5, but Michelle said they would probably let us go earlier than that. So everytime somebody came over to laugh at us - because, you know, if you're not the one doing it, the concept of beading for 7 straight hours is pretty laughable - we would wait for them to tell us we could leave.
But did they?
DID THEY?
No.
They didn't.
Ok, day two.
It started off well. We got there in the morning, and were informed that we would be working upstairs.
UPSTAIRS? To someone who had spent the previous day sitting in a tiny isolated office threading freaking beads onto freaking string for hours, this was the best possible news.
Upstairs meant up. Up, away from the office and the beads and the string and the hell that was the previous day.
So we're walking up the stairs, all jittery and excited over the process of not having to bead, we turn the corner, and what do we see?
WHAT DO WE SEE?
A table.
A HUGE table.
Covered in beads.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(That's what it sounded like on the inside of my head).
So, for the second day in a row, we beaded. For 7 hours, minus 20 minutes for lunch.
Today was the third day, the frost (thats a little John Marsden humour for you readers of the Tomorrow Series).
So for the first half of the day, guess what we did?
Guess.
Go on, guess.
Did you guess beading?
Yeah, you were right.
Ok, but after we came back from lunch, something exciting happened.
NO MORE BEADING!
That's right. No more beading, they told us. Now it was time for something completely different. Now it was time to tie the bead strings together at the ends, to form necklaces.
Yeah.
Right.
At this point, I was ready to kill somebody.
Ready and willing.
But I didn't, because the final episode of Prison Break in on in like 2 weeks, and if I went to jail for murder, I would probably miss it.
Ok, where was I?
Oh, right, making necklaces.
So you would think, wouldn't you, that after 2 and a half days of beading, doing something as simple as tying a knot would be a welcome break, right?
Right?
WRONG!
And I'll tell you why: BECAUSE TYING KNOTS IS A BITCH.
A bitch that just won't quit.
Because we couldn't just tie the two ends of the bead string together, and call it a day. No no. We had to tie a perfect knot, then snip the thread ends off, then burn the knot with a lighter until the string melted, and then use our fingers to squish the melted string knot into a "perfect bead-shaped ball."
Perfect bead-shaped ball.
PERFECT BEAD-SHAPED BALL?
Who says stuff like that?
So now all my fingers and one of my thumbs are all burnt from squishing super-heated string knots into perfect bead-shaped balls. And the other thumb is red and calussed from flipping the lighter on so many times.
Ok, so it was all shaping up to be a pretty bad experience.
UNTIL one of the designers from Insight came over to us and was all "I just want to thank you girls so much for helping out this week", and gave us a free top each.
FREE TOP!
FREE TOP!
And I looked at the price tag - $80!! Not too shabby, Insight 51.
Not too shabby at all.
Ok, so here is my conclusion: Work experience is just like watching Jaws. Remember what I said about Jaws a few posts back? Here's a little refresher:
Well, when you first think about it, it's awesome, then the more you think about it, it's not that great...then you think about it some more, and it becomes awesome again.
Yeah.
Work experience is just like that: You start off being misled into thinking it's going to be awesomely easy and fun. Then, after a day, you feel like you would rather put fish-hooks through your nipples and fly yourself off the Chrystler Building than do it again. Then you get given a free t-shirt, and all is right with the world again.
Huh.
Maybe its not like watching Jaws at all.
Well, whatever.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
A Bit Wrong, But Oh-So-Right: The Book
Just in case you can't get enough crazy over the internet, I just posted the introduction chapter to that book I wrote. Read it here.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
jackiiscrazy.blogspot.com stars on Prison Break
Oh, this just in: I'm completely obsessed with Prison Break.
And I know, I know, I've been doing at least 3 Prison-Break-related posts per week for the last month or so, even though nobody cares about Prison Break anymore except for me and Damo, but it's been cancelled, these are the last few episodes, and I'm in mourning, so you can all deal.
Ok.
Here's something to do with Prison Break that melts my little black heart: Michael and Sara are having a baby!
A baby!
A baby?!
A BABY!!
Oh my goodness, I don't think I've ever been so happy.
So, here is my suggestion to you, writers of Prison Break. Maybe you shouldn't cancel the show. Just, you know, keep it going for another season...or ten. Ok, so Sara will have the baby, she and Michael can get married, blah blah blah, and when the next season starts, you can make it set 19 years into the future, and I, Jacki Trew, will play the baby!
And it WON'T be creepy, despite what my sister says, because I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH MICHAEL, I'M IN LOVE WITH WENTWORTH.
Character versus Guy Who Plays Character.
It's totally different.
Anyway I don't know what the storyline will be. Maybe I'll end up jail, and Sara will have to bust in and break me out. Or something. You guys can work that part out - you're the writers!!!
And I know, I know, I've been doing at least 3 Prison-Break-related posts per week for the last month or so, even though nobody cares about Prison Break anymore except for me and Damo, but it's been cancelled, these are the last few episodes, and I'm in mourning, so you can all deal.
Ok.
Here's something to do with Prison Break that melts my little black heart: Michael and Sara are having a baby!
A baby!
A baby?!
A BABY!!
Oh my goodness, I don't think I've ever been so happy.
So, here is my suggestion to you, writers of Prison Break. Maybe you shouldn't cancel the show. Just, you know, keep it going for another season...or ten. Ok, so Sara will have the baby, she and Michael can get married, blah blah blah, and when the next season starts, you can make it set 19 years into the future, and I, Jacki Trew, will play the baby!
And it WON'T be creepy, despite what my sister says, because I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH MICHAEL, I'M IN LOVE WITH WENTWORTH.
Character versus Guy Who Plays Character.
It's totally different.
Anyway I don't know what the storyline will be. Maybe I'll end up jail, and Sara will have to bust in and break me out. Or something. You guys can work that part out - you're the writers!!!
A blanket with sleeves?! My life is changed forever
Ok so today was my last day of holidays.
And, being the amazingly conscientious student that I am, I spent the whole day studying and sketching and making notes and putting the finishing touches on my assessment and whatnot. You know.
I am just a teacher's orgasm, really.
Yeah, that was a lie. What actually happened was, I woke up at midday, then lay on the couch watching daytime TV for like 3 hours. And thank GOODNESS I did, because if I hadn't, then none of us would have experienced what I am about to show you:
Oh.
My gosh.
The Snuggie.
I mean, a blanket with sleeves?! My life is changed forever!
Really though, this is probably one of the most moronic things I have ever seen being sold in an infomercial. And I love daytime TV, so you know I see alot of moronic things being sold in infomercials.
First of all, I don't know about you guys, but if I'm cold, my hands are always the coldest part. And they say if you're cold, you should warm your head up first, right?? I love it how those are the only two body parts The Snuggie doesn't cover.
Also 'One Size Fits All'??? Um, no. Pause at 1 minute 4 seconds and look at the girl in the middle...still think it's One Size Fits All? I don't think so.
I don't get it.
I just don't get it.
Are these for people who are too lazy to take their hands out from under a blanket? Not to mention the fact that the woman is using the 'Free Booklight' with a lamp on in the background - if that's not lazy, I don't know what is.
Do the people who buy them want to look like warlocks? Because they do! WHY DON'T YOU JUST WEAR YOUR DRESSING GOWNS BACKWARDS, PEOPLE - IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING!!
Ok.
I think I'm done ranting now.
Oh, PS, you're all getting one for Christmas. Just let me know which colour you want.
And, being the amazingly conscientious student that I am, I spent the whole day studying and sketching and making notes and putting the finishing touches on my assessment and whatnot. You know.
I am just a teacher's orgasm, really.
Yeah, that was a lie. What actually happened was, I woke up at midday, then lay on the couch watching daytime TV for like 3 hours. And thank GOODNESS I did, because if I hadn't, then none of us would have experienced what I am about to show you:
Oh.
My gosh.
The Snuggie.
I mean, a blanket with sleeves?! My life is changed forever!
Really though, this is probably one of the most moronic things I have ever seen being sold in an infomercial. And I love daytime TV, so you know I see alot of moronic things being sold in infomercials.
First of all, I don't know about you guys, but if I'm cold, my hands are always the coldest part. And they say if you're cold, you should warm your head up first, right?? I love it how those are the only two body parts The Snuggie doesn't cover.
Also 'One Size Fits All'??? Um, no. Pause at 1 minute 4 seconds and look at the girl in the middle...still think it's One Size Fits All? I don't think so.
I don't get it.
I just don't get it.
Are these for people who are too lazy to take their hands out from under a blanket? Not to mention the fact that the woman is using the 'Free Booklight' with a lamp on in the background - if that's not lazy, I don't know what is.
Do the people who buy them want to look like warlocks? Because they do! WHY DON'T YOU JUST WEAR YOUR DRESSING GOWNS BACKWARDS, PEOPLE - IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING!!
Ok.
I think I'm done ranting now.
Oh, PS, you're all getting one for Christmas. Just let me know which colour you want.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
This is how much my parents love me:
Ok, so mum and dad got home from Queensland on monday, and I was totally excited, since it meant I got to play the role of youngest-daughter-brutally-injured-in-a-freak-running-slash-fence-jumping-incident-revealing-said-injury-to-parents-and-having-attention-lavished-on-her-for-days-and-day-and-days.
I mean, how often do I get to play that role? Yeah, I was excited. I was pumped!! Unfortunately for me, my parents weren't so eager to play along:
Me: Mum! Dad! I'm so glad you guys are home!! Look! Look! There's a big bandage on my arm!! Oh, it hurts too much! Oh, I think I might just need you to buy me some ice cream and fly Wentworth over from LA to kiss it better for me.
Mum: I hope you didn't use all the painkillers because I hurt my back and I need them more than you.
Dad: I bet that's just another tattoo.
Alright.
First of all. Haha. That painkillers thing was actually pretty funny. And second of all, Dad, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A TATTOO TO YOU????:
Haha. Well, maybe. A really really ugly one. But it isn't!
And yes, fellow Europe Travellers - that is a Spanish Steps Pub Crawl t-shirt you can see in the background.
I mean, how often do I get to play that role? Yeah, I was excited. I was pumped!! Unfortunately for me, my parents weren't so eager to play along:
Me: Mum! Dad! I'm so glad you guys are home!! Look! Look! There's a big bandage on my arm!! Oh, it hurts too much! Oh, I think I might just need you to buy me some ice cream and fly Wentworth over from LA to kiss it better for me.
Mum: I hope you didn't use all the painkillers because I hurt my back and I need them more than you.
Dad: I bet that's just another tattoo.
Alright.
First of all. Haha. That painkillers thing was actually pretty funny. And second of all, Dad, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A TATTOO TO YOU????:
Haha. Well, maybe. A really really ugly one. But it isn't!
And yes, fellow Europe Travellers - that is a Spanish Steps Pub Crawl t-shirt you can see in the background.
Dear Pussycat Dolls,
Right.
I have to ask: what's the dealio, yo? Are you guys a band, or what? And when I say 'band', what I really mean is 'heavily synthesized pop-group', but you get the picture. So? What's up? Because it seems like only one of you actually does the singing. And when I say 'singing', what I really mean is 'lip-syncing', but you get the picture.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Also, Jai-Ho? Did you really think you could pull that off?
NOBODY touches Slumdog Millionaire, ok?
Love Jacki
P.S What happened to the mannish red-head? I always liked her. Him? Her.
Right.
I have to ask: what's the dealio, yo? Are you guys a band, or what? And when I say 'band', what I really mean is 'heavily synthesized pop-group', but you get the picture. So? What's up? Because it seems like only one of you actually does the singing. And when I say 'singing', what I really mean is 'lip-syncing', but you get the picture.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Also, Jai-Ho? Did you really think you could pull that off?
NOBODY touches Slumdog Millionaire, ok?
Love Jacki
P.S What happened to the mannish red-head? I always liked her. Him? Her.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Rove's Final Five, Originally Intended For...Gretel Killeen
5. If you had to be a contestant on a reality TV show, which show would it be?
Have you ever seen that show Farmer Wants A Wife?. Well, I'd be on Wentworth Wants A Wife. Except it'd be a little different from the original. Like, it wouldn't be Wentworth and 12 other women, it'd just be Wentworth and Jacki. And there wouldn't be a farm. Or any challenges. Ok, basically its just me getting married to Wentworth and somebody filming. If that's not entertainment, I don't know what is.
4. Finish this sentence: If somebodies Logie Acceptance Speech goes too long, their punishment will be...
having to spend the remainder of the night conversing with this years host, Gretel Killeen.
3. Have you ever bought or sold anything on eBay?
Yes! I bought a phone once. Here's a little tip from me to you: DON'T EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EVER, LET ANYONE CONVINCE YOU IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO BUY A PHONE OFF EBAY.
Don't do it.
Just, don't do it.
2.What is the ring tone on your mobile phone?
Some song. What's it called? Oh, I don't know. This question sucks, I'm giving myself another one.
The REAL number 2. Number 2? Hahaha! Ok, back to business; question 2. Is Prison Break the best show ever or what?
Oh my gosh, it is. No, it really really is. Speaking of Prison Break, last night I had a dream that Wentworth got really drunk and yelled at me. Then I rode a motorbike around my primary school oval with Nicole Kidman and had lunch with Sarah Wayne Callies. Hmmm. My dreams always have famous people in them. Coincidence? I think not.
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Ok, I couldn't find the photo. Which is probably better for you, since it was just an old man sitting on a toilet. Outside. Talking on the phone. Oh, and he was naked.
What a legend.
Have you ever seen that show Farmer Wants A Wife?. Well, I'd be on Wentworth Wants A Wife. Except it'd be a little different from the original. Like, it wouldn't be Wentworth and 12 other women, it'd just be Wentworth and Jacki. And there wouldn't be a farm. Or any challenges. Ok, basically its just me getting married to Wentworth and somebody filming. If that's not entertainment, I don't know what is.
4. Finish this sentence: If somebodies Logie Acceptance Speech goes too long, their punishment will be...
having to spend the remainder of the night conversing with this years host, Gretel Killeen.
3. Have you ever bought or sold anything on eBay?
Yes! I bought a phone once. Here's a little tip from me to you: DON'T EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EVER, LET ANYONE CONVINCE YOU IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO BUY A PHONE OFF EBAY.
Don't do it.
Just, don't do it.
2.What is the ring tone on your mobile phone?
Some song. What's it called? Oh, I don't know. This question sucks, I'm giving myself another one.
The REAL number 2. Number 2? Hahaha! Ok, back to business; question 2. Is Prison Break the best show ever or what?
Oh my gosh, it is. No, it really really is. Speaking of Prison Break, last night I had a dream that Wentworth got really drunk and yelled at me. Then I rode a motorbike around my primary school oval with Nicole Kidman and had lunch with Sarah Wayne Callies. Hmmm. My dreams always have famous people in them. Coincidence? I think not.
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Ok, I couldn't find the photo. Which is probably better for you, since it was just an old man sitting on a toilet. Outside. Talking on the phone. Oh, and he was naked.
What a legend.
Friday, April 24, 2009
jackiiscrazy.blogspot.com goes to hospital
Ok, so here's a twist for your reading pleasure: last night something ACTUALLY interesting enough to blog about happened to me.
I feel like I should mention though, that I was home alone. Like, totally alone, since my parents abandoned me to go dragonboating in Queensland, and my sister was working as an overnight deckhand on some cruise ship.
Trust.
The most exciting thing to happen to me since, well, birth, or maybe that time I met Andrew G, and NOBODY is there to see it. Well, except my pets. And the neighbours. Both of whom looked fairly traumatised last night when I walked through the door covered in blood.
OH my goodness that was so dramatic, it makes me even more excited to tell this story.
Ok, ok. Here goes.
So I got home at like 8.30 last night, and decided to go for a run.
I know. This story is already crazy.
Me? Me, Jacki? Jacki Trew? Jacki Trew, going for a run?
This does not compute.
But let me explain. Ok, remember when I said my parents aren't home because they abandoned me to go dragonboating in Queensland? Yeah, so my mum has become obsessed with dragonboating, which is kind of like rowing, only better, because the boats look like dragons, and you get to wear pink. She started doing it after she found out Julia's parents do it, probably because they are pretty hip and now, as far as parents go, and she just wants to be them.
Ha.
Anyway, since mum started dragonboating - or DBing, as I shall now refer to it - she's gone on this total fitness kick. I mean it. Like, she goes to the gym and everything. I feel so guilty. My own mother is in better shape than me! I'm 18! She's 200!
Alright this part of the story is kind of boring. Long story short, mum = fit, jacki = lazy bum.
And that's why I went for a run.
Ok, so now I'm running, and everythings great, everythings fine - you know, except for the fact that I hate running - and then I had this brilliant idea to jump the fence into Kingsford Smith oval, and do some laps.
And that's when things started to get interesting.
So, here are 3 things you should know:
Alright, in case you cant: I got up the fence ok (probably because its only like 4 feet high), but I didn't notice the bit of wire poking out on the other side, until it tore the back of my arm open on the way down.
Wow this post is getting long. Here's a short intermission:
Haha.
I love that video.
Ok, intermission over.
So, by the time I got myself home, called my parents, bled all over the kitchen floor, messaged Julia, bled all over my shirt, ran over to my neighbours house, bled all over cat, bled all over the bathroom sink, bled all over the laundry, bled all over the blankets in the lounge room (why did I keep moving from room to room? Wouldn't it make more sense to isolate the blood-spillage to just one area of the house? Oh, right, I'm an idiot. Well, whatever.), and got to the hospital, it was like 10pm.
Oh! Oh! I forgot to tell you one of my favourite parts of the story: my call to Emergency. You see, because even though there was alot of blood, and alot of blood usually warrants a trip to the hospital, I wasn't really sure what to do at first. I mean, I'm not exactly experienced with this kind of thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty accident-prone. Remember last week, when I almost broke my hand by accidentally dropping a sewing machine on it? But still. So this is what it sounds like when Jacki Trew calls emergency:
Operator: Triple Zero, whats your emergency?
Jacki: Hi, ummm, you don't need to send an ambulance but I've just, ummm...cut myself on a fence. Badly. Well, I think it's badly. I'm not sure. There's alot of blood. It's on my shirt. Actually its not my shirt, it's my sisters shirt. Crap! I got blood on my sister's shirt! She's going to kill me! I'm Jacki by the way
Man I hope they recorded that.
Alright, so when I got to the hospital, I had to sit in the Emergency waiting room for like 2 hours. Here is my favourite thing about the Emergency waiting room: There's a sign on the fire hydrant that says Do not put chairs or beds in front of fire hydrant, and there's a chair in front of it. And a bed.
Ha.
Also they had a TV, and Heroes was on, so I got to perve on that kid that played Jess on Gilmore Girls. Then some doctors came and saw me. They looked at my arm, asked me what happened, laughed, noticed the bruises on my hand, asked me how I got them, and laughed again. Really, there is nothing like seeing the reaction of 4 doctors when you tell them you accidentally dropped a sewing machine on yourself. I'm going to be telling that story for years.
Anyway, 2 nurses, 4 doctors, a very painful tetanus shot, 7 stitches, 3 hours of sleep and 1 vending-machine sandwich smuggled in by the most convincing McDreamy look-alike I've ever seen, and here we are.
Oh, wait!
I forgot to talk about how I totally embarrassed myself by fainting!
Yeah, I fainted. Oh my gosh, I fainted.
What.
A pussy.
You know, most people only faint when something really bad happens. Like, if they get hit by a bus. Or castrated. And they don't faint, they pass out.
I don't pass out. I faint.
And it's never after something really bad, which makes me look like a total dick.
Times Jacki Trew has fainted and looked like a total dick:
I was sitting in a chair, getting jabbed like 8000 times with a needle. I think it was local anasthetic or something. I'm not sure - at that point, I was too busy trying to figure how I could wrangle a free pair of North Shore Hospital Emergency Staff scrubs. So sue me, they look comfortable!! Anyway, the doctor kept asking if I was ok to sit up while I was being stitched, which I totally was.
I mean, come on.
I don't need to lay down, just for stitches. I'm so hardcore!! I rode a motorbike once! I've got tattoos!
Yeah.
That's a lie.
I mean, I did ride the motorbike, but someone else was driving. I just sat on the back.
And yeah I have tattoos, but come on - I almost fainted getting those too!
So it turns out, I'm not so hardcore. I did need to lay down for stitches.
Here's how I found out:
Doctor: Are you going to faint?
Jacki: Dude, I'm totally fine (faints)
Doctor: Sigh
So then - one of the nurses later informed me - my doctor was all 'Um, HELP?', like 10 people ran in, they picked me up, put me on a bed, and there was lots of yelling and rushing around. It was all very Grey's Anatomy by the sounds of it. Only without the relationship dramas and backlighting. When I woke up, I was flat on my back with an oxygen mask over my face. You could tell my doctor was totally jazzed about the oxygen mask thing. I hadn't stopped talking about Prison Break/my undying love for Wentworth Miller since the tetanus shot, and he probably thought having a mask over my mouth would shut me up for at least five minutes.
Well, it didn't:
Doctor: Ok, I'm about the put the first stitch in. It shouldn't hurt too badly, tell me if you can -
Jacki: I saw this episode of Prison Break once, where Sara jumped out a window to escape assassination, landed on a car windshield and then had to stitch herself up in a public bathroom with a sewing kit. Oh my gosh! Can you imagine how much that would suck?
Doctor: Um...What?
Well, thats pretty much the end of the story. It wasn't too bad - plus now I'm going to have this totally cool Sara-Tancredi-from-Prison-Break-esqe scar to rival Catherine's from the time when she broke her ankle and had to get all those screws put in.
The only downside is that my arm-modelling career is now officially over.
Whatever.
Arm-modelling is a dying art anyway.
I feel like I should mention though, that I was home alone. Like, totally alone, since my parents abandoned me to go dragonboating in Queensland, and my sister was working as an overnight deckhand on some cruise ship.
Trust.
The most exciting thing to happen to me since, well, birth, or maybe that time I met Andrew G, and NOBODY is there to see it. Well, except my pets. And the neighbours. Both of whom looked fairly traumatised last night when I walked through the door covered in blood.
OH my goodness that was so dramatic, it makes me even more excited to tell this story.
Ok, ok. Here goes.
So I got home at like 8.30 last night, and decided to go for a run.
I know. This story is already crazy.
Me? Me, Jacki? Jacki Trew? Jacki Trew, going for a run?
This does not compute.
But let me explain. Ok, remember when I said my parents aren't home because they abandoned me to go dragonboating in Queensland? Yeah, so my mum has become obsessed with dragonboating, which is kind of like rowing, only better, because the boats look like dragons, and you get to wear pink. She started doing it after she found out Julia's parents do it, probably because they are pretty hip and now, as far as parents go, and she just wants to be them.
Ha.
Anyway, since mum started dragonboating - or DBing, as I shall now refer to it - she's gone on this total fitness kick. I mean it. Like, she goes to the gym and everything. I feel so guilty. My own mother is in better shape than me! I'm 18! She's 200!
Alright this part of the story is kind of boring. Long story short, mum = fit, jacki = lazy bum.
And that's why I went for a run.
Ok, so now I'm running, and everythings great, everythings fine - you know, except for the fact that I hate running - and then I had this brilliant idea to jump the fence into Kingsford Smith oval, and do some laps.
And that's when things started to get interesting.
So, here are 3 things you should know:
- The fence is made out of wire
- The fence is old. Its old. I mean it. Old. Old as Moses. So, in some areas, the wire is broken and sticking out all over the place
- I'm an idiot
Alright, in case you cant: I got up the fence ok (probably because its only like 4 feet high), but I didn't notice the bit of wire poking out on the other side, until it tore the back of my arm open on the way down.
Wow this post is getting long. Here's a short intermission:
Haha.
I love that video.
Ok, intermission over.
So, by the time I got myself home, called my parents, bled all over the kitchen floor, messaged Julia, bled all over my shirt, ran over to my neighbours house, bled all over cat, bled all over the bathroom sink, bled all over the laundry, bled all over the blankets in the lounge room (why did I keep moving from room to room? Wouldn't it make more sense to isolate the blood-spillage to just one area of the house? Oh, right, I'm an idiot. Well, whatever.), and got to the hospital, it was like 10pm.
Oh! Oh! I forgot to tell you one of my favourite parts of the story: my call to Emergency. You see, because even though there was alot of blood, and alot of blood usually warrants a trip to the hospital, I wasn't really sure what to do at first. I mean, I'm not exactly experienced with this kind of thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty accident-prone. Remember last week, when I almost broke my hand by accidentally dropping a sewing machine on it? But still. So this is what it sounds like when Jacki Trew calls emergency:
Operator: Triple Zero, whats your emergency?
Jacki: Hi, ummm, you don't need to send an ambulance but I've just, ummm...cut myself on a fence. Badly. Well, I think it's badly. I'm not sure. There's alot of blood. It's on my shirt. Actually its not my shirt, it's my sisters shirt. Crap! I got blood on my sister's shirt! She's going to kill me! I'm Jacki by the way
Man I hope they recorded that.
Alright, so when I got to the hospital, I had to sit in the Emergency waiting room for like 2 hours. Here is my favourite thing about the Emergency waiting room: There's a sign on the fire hydrant that says Do not put chairs or beds in front of fire hydrant, and there's a chair in front of it. And a bed.
Ha.
Also they had a TV, and Heroes was on, so I got to perve on that kid that played Jess on Gilmore Girls. Then some doctors came and saw me. They looked at my arm, asked me what happened, laughed, noticed the bruises on my hand, asked me how I got them, and laughed again. Really, there is nothing like seeing the reaction of 4 doctors when you tell them you accidentally dropped a sewing machine on yourself. I'm going to be telling that story for years.
Anyway, 2 nurses, 4 doctors, a very painful tetanus shot, 7 stitches, 3 hours of sleep and 1 vending-machine sandwich smuggled in by the most convincing McDreamy look-alike I've ever seen, and here we are.
Oh, wait!
I forgot to talk about how I totally embarrassed myself by fainting!
Yeah, I fainted. Oh my gosh, I fainted.
What.
A pussy.
You know, most people only faint when something really bad happens. Like, if they get hit by a bus. Or castrated. And they don't faint, they pass out.
I don't pass out. I faint.
And it's never after something really bad, which makes me look like a total dick.
Times Jacki Trew has fainted and looked like a total dick:
- When I was like 9, and I had to get blood taken for an allergy test, and when I fainted I fell off a chair
- When I was like 10, and I went to this air show with my friend Megan and her parents, and we were walking around the inside of a Hercules airplane, and when I fainted I fell out of the emergency exit
- When I was like 12, just randomly, in the middle of my violin lesson, and when I fainted I landed on my teachers music stand and broke it
- When I was like 15 and I had a really bad fever, and when I fainted I was in the bathroom, so nobody noticed
- When I was like 18 and I was getting my second tattoo, and ok, I didn't actually faint, but it was pretty close, and I looked like a total wimp in front of all these hardcore tattoo artists
I was sitting in a chair, getting jabbed like 8000 times with a needle. I think it was local anasthetic or something. I'm not sure - at that point, I was too busy trying to figure how I could wrangle a free pair of North Shore Hospital Emergency Staff scrubs. So sue me, they look comfortable!! Anyway, the doctor kept asking if I was ok to sit up while I was being stitched, which I totally was.
I mean, come on.
I don't need to lay down, just for stitches. I'm so hardcore!! I rode a motorbike once! I've got tattoos!
Yeah.
That's a lie.
I mean, I did ride the motorbike, but someone else was driving. I just sat on the back.
And yeah I have tattoos, but come on - I almost fainted getting those too!
So it turns out, I'm not so hardcore. I did need to lay down for stitches.
Here's how I found out:
Doctor: Are you going to faint?
Jacki: Dude, I'm totally fine (faints)
Doctor: Sigh
So then - one of the nurses later informed me - my doctor was all 'Um, HELP?', like 10 people ran in, they picked me up, put me on a bed, and there was lots of yelling and rushing around. It was all very Grey's Anatomy by the sounds of it. Only without the relationship dramas and backlighting. When I woke up, I was flat on my back with an oxygen mask over my face. You could tell my doctor was totally jazzed about the oxygen mask thing. I hadn't stopped talking about Prison Break/my undying love for Wentworth Miller since the tetanus shot, and he probably thought having a mask over my mouth would shut me up for at least five minutes.
Well, it didn't:
Doctor: Ok, I'm about the put the first stitch in. It shouldn't hurt too badly, tell me if you can -
Jacki: I saw this episode of Prison Break once, where Sara jumped out a window to escape assassination, landed on a car windshield and then had to stitch herself up in a public bathroom with a sewing kit. Oh my gosh! Can you imagine how much that would suck?
Doctor: Um...What?
Well, thats pretty much the end of the story. It wasn't too bad - plus now I'm going to have this totally cool Sara-Tancredi-from-Prison-Break-esqe scar to rival Catherine's from the time when she broke her ankle and had to get all those screws put in.
The only downside is that my arm-modelling career is now officially over.
Whatever.
Arm-modelling is a dying art anyway.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
My own Final Five (why doesnt own have a capital o? I have no idea)
So.
Because you blog-readers are all so dedicated to me, I'm sure you noticed the fact that I missed Rove's latest Final Five, Originally Intended for Ronan Keating.
Did you all notice?
You noticed.
Well, anyway, it wasn't really about me missing it - I mean, I saw the show - I just felt like Rove's questions weren't up to par this week. You know. Since my blog is obviously about quality.
HA!
Ok, truth? I couldn't think of any witty answers. Ronan Keating just stole them all! That bit about growing a second penis on his forearm?? Genius!!!
So anyway, I know its been like 3 days, but I still feel bad for depriving you all, so here is me answering my own Final Five - that is, five questions I randomly came up with 2 seconds ago. Enjoy.
5. What is your favourite thing about yourself?
My middle name. I love it. I love it. And not JUST because its the name of Wentworth's on-screen girlfriend in Prison Break. I wish it was my real name. Well, that, or Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock.
4. When was the last time you got in a fight?
My sister and I 'fight' all the time. Only I don't think that really counts, because if people witnessed it, they wouldn't say "Hey, look, Jacki and Catherine are fighting!", they'd say "Hey, look, Jacki is getting beaten up!". What can I say, I'm really not much of a fighter. I don't get into fights. Oh, except for last week, when I got into a fight with a 40kg sewing machine. Whatever. Inanimate objects don't count either.
3. Ronan Keating was on Rove this week, but you didn't blog about his Final Five. Discuss.
Ok, don't get me wrong, it's not about me hating Ronan Keating. Because I don't. I don't. I love Ronan Keating. I am all about Ronan Keating. Mostly because I recently realised he's totally the Celebrity Doppelganger (oh, yeah, I'm still talking about that) of my sisters friend Daniel. Also because he comes up with lyrics like I love it when we kiss and we hug, and you're cuter than a bug in a rug.
2. Do you really hate wedding cakes?
I do. I really do. I hate them so much. They're so gross! They're always the same, fruit cake covered with that disgusting thick white icing. First of all, fruit cake? Fruit cake. Fruit cake? Wow, the more you type fruit, the more it looks like a typo. Anyway, fruit cake? Isn't that an oxymoron? Plus the icing tastes like cement. I'm going to have a mint chocolate chip icecream cake at my wedding. Julia thinks its totally tacky, but who doesn't love mint chocolate chip icecream? Huh? Who? Name one person, I dare you. Plus its Wentworth's favourite flavour of icecream too, so I know he'll be cool with it.
And finally...
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
I don't even have to answer this one. You all already know.
Because you blog-readers are all so dedicated to me, I'm sure you noticed the fact that I missed Rove's latest Final Five, Originally Intended for Ronan Keating.
Did you all notice?
You noticed.
Well, anyway, it wasn't really about me missing it - I mean, I saw the show - I just felt like Rove's questions weren't up to par this week. You know. Since my blog is obviously about quality.
HA!
Ok, truth? I couldn't think of any witty answers. Ronan Keating just stole them all! That bit about growing a second penis on his forearm?? Genius!!!
So anyway, I know its been like 3 days, but I still feel bad for depriving you all, so here is me answering my own Final Five - that is, five questions I randomly came up with 2 seconds ago. Enjoy.
5. What is your favourite thing about yourself?
My middle name. I love it. I love it. And not JUST because its the name of Wentworth's on-screen girlfriend in Prison Break. I wish it was my real name. Well, that, or Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock.
4. When was the last time you got in a fight?
My sister and I 'fight' all the time. Only I don't think that really counts, because if people witnessed it, they wouldn't say "Hey, look, Jacki and Catherine are fighting!", they'd say "Hey, look, Jacki is getting beaten up!". What can I say, I'm really not much of a fighter. I don't get into fights. Oh, except for last week, when I got into a fight with a 40kg sewing machine. Whatever. Inanimate objects don't count either.
3. Ronan Keating was on Rove this week, but you didn't blog about his Final Five. Discuss.
Ok, don't get me wrong, it's not about me hating Ronan Keating. Because I don't. I don't. I love Ronan Keating. I am all about Ronan Keating. Mostly because I recently realised he's totally the Celebrity Doppelganger (oh, yeah, I'm still talking about that) of my sisters friend Daniel. Also because he comes up with lyrics like I love it when we kiss and we hug, and you're cuter than a bug in a rug.
2. Do you really hate wedding cakes?
I do. I really do. I hate them so much. They're so gross! They're always the same, fruit cake covered with that disgusting thick white icing. First of all, fruit cake? Fruit cake. Fruit cake? Wow, the more you type fruit, the more it looks like a typo. Anyway, fruit cake? Isn't that an oxymoron? Plus the icing tastes like cement. I'm going to have a mint chocolate chip icecream cake at my wedding. Julia thinks its totally tacky, but who doesn't love mint chocolate chip icecream? Huh? Who? Name one person, I dare you. Plus its Wentworth's favourite flavour of icecream too, so I know he'll be cool with it.
And finally...
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
I don't even have to answer this one. You all already know.
Monday, April 20, 2009
I'm FLIPPING OUT!!!
And I'll tell you why:
My toothbrush, which is pink and awesome and vibrates (haha, dirty) is RUNNING OUT OF BATTERY.
So now, it hardly vibrates at all.
It sucks. It SUCKS!! What's the point in having a vibrating toothbrush if it doesn't VIBRATE?
Haha. This sounds dirty I know, so let me tell you, I like the vibrating sensation IN MY MOUTH!! Because it aids in the cleaning of my teeth.
That's the only reason I like it.
The vibrating, I mean.
Geez, is there another word for vibrating? I feel like I've typed it a dillion times already.
Anyway so you're probably thinking "You idiot, if your toothbrush is running out of battery, why don't you quit blogging about it, drive up to Coles, and buy some new batteries? And stop whining like a little bitch!!"
WELL I'LL JUST TELL YOU WHY I DON'T!!!
Ok let me explain the weird battery family issue.
My family is LOUSY with batteries. I mean it. We NEVER have batteries. And we never buy any, because we're all disgusting lazy slobs.
Like, ok, in the upstairs lounge room we have 3 remotes: one for the TV, one for the foxtel, and one for the DVD player.
The TV remote takes AAA's, and the other two both take AA's.
So. One day, the DVD remote batteries ran out. And INSTEAD of doing the normal thing, and running out to buy some new batteries, we decide to just use the batteries from the foxtel remote. So now we can use the DVD remote. And when we need to use the foxtel remote again, we'll just switch them back.
It'll be fine.
It wont be annoying.
It wont be that long until someone buys some new batteries.
Hahaha, NO!
Remember the beginning of the story? "One day, the DVD remote batteries ran out..."
One day?
ONE DAY?
THAT DAY WAS LIKE 2 YEARS AGO!!
I've been switching batteries between the remotes EVERY TIME I NEED TO USE THE DVD PLAYER FOR 2 YEARS!!
No wonder I'm crazy.
I'm not just crazy - I'M FLIPPING OUT!!
Speaking of flipping out, have you guys ever watched that TV show, Flipping Out?
It's awesome.
It's about this guy who buys crappy houses, does them up all nice and fancy, and then sells them for heaps of money. He 'flips' houses. He's 'flipping out'.
Get it?
Anyway I don't know what the guys name is, but he's totally crazy. Like, really psycho. This is my favourite line from the show:
Guy: Do I hear kids? Screaming kids? Are we near a school? The selling price just went down 50 grand.
Hahaha. I love it.
Well done, crazy guy from Flipping Out.
If you a reading this, which, lets face it, we all know you are.
Well done.
My toothbrush, which is pink and awesome and vibrates (haha, dirty) is RUNNING OUT OF BATTERY.
So now, it hardly vibrates at all.
It sucks. It SUCKS!! What's the point in having a vibrating toothbrush if it doesn't VIBRATE?
Haha. This sounds dirty I know, so let me tell you, I like the vibrating sensation IN MY MOUTH!! Because it aids in the cleaning of my teeth.
That's the only reason I like it.
The vibrating, I mean.
Geez, is there another word for vibrating? I feel like I've typed it a dillion times already.
Anyway so you're probably thinking "You idiot, if your toothbrush is running out of battery, why don't you quit blogging about it, drive up to Coles, and buy some new batteries? And stop whining like a little bitch!!"
WELL I'LL JUST TELL YOU WHY I DON'T!!!
- Because, on account of my laziness, I'm still on my L's, so I would have to find someone on their full license to accompany me, and there is no way that's going to happen because its almost 11pm, and;
- Because I LIKE blogging, and;
- Because my family has this weird thing with batteries
Ok let me explain the weird battery family issue.
My family is LOUSY with batteries. I mean it. We NEVER have batteries. And we never buy any, because we're all disgusting lazy slobs.
Like, ok, in the upstairs lounge room we have 3 remotes: one for the TV, one for the foxtel, and one for the DVD player.
The TV remote takes AAA's, and the other two both take AA's.
So. One day, the DVD remote batteries ran out. And INSTEAD of doing the normal thing, and running out to buy some new batteries, we decide to just use the batteries from the foxtel remote. So now we can use the DVD remote. And when we need to use the foxtel remote again, we'll just switch them back.
It'll be fine.
It wont be annoying.
It wont be that long until someone buys some new batteries.
Hahaha, NO!
Remember the beginning of the story? "One day, the DVD remote batteries ran out..."
One day?
ONE DAY?
THAT DAY WAS LIKE 2 YEARS AGO!!
I've been switching batteries between the remotes EVERY TIME I NEED TO USE THE DVD PLAYER FOR 2 YEARS!!
No wonder I'm crazy.
I'm not just crazy - I'M FLIPPING OUT!!
Speaking of flipping out, have you guys ever watched that TV show, Flipping Out?
It's awesome.
It's about this guy who buys crappy houses, does them up all nice and fancy, and then sells them for heaps of money. He 'flips' houses. He's 'flipping out'.
Get it?
Anyway I don't know what the guys name is, but he's totally crazy. Like, really psycho. This is my favourite line from the show:
Guy: Do I hear kids? Screaming kids? Are we near a school? The selling price just went down 50 grand.
Hahaha. I love it.
Well done, crazy guy from Flipping Out.
If you a reading this, which, lets face it, we all know you are.
Well done.
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