top ten

Top Ten things we've learnt from watching Home and Away

10. It is always summer in Australia

9. If there is a party on the beach, everyone will be drunk within 8 minutes of arrival

8. If you live in Summer Bay and happen to stumble upon some legal troubles, there is no need to worry, because the sister of the surf club president is always coincidentally in town whenever somebody goes to court, and she is a judge

7. It is perfectly normal for devastating cyclones to target (and destroy only) specific beach towns

6. If somebody new arrives in town, it is most likely that they are either related to you, or a convicted murderer

5. Paralysis can be easily overcome, as long as your nurse is an attractive single mother who desperately needs protection from her violent ex-husband

4. One night stands always result in pregnancy

3. If you have a twin sister who doesn't really look like you, its probably because she and your actual twin were accidentally switched at birth

2. Don’t get married. You will either divorce, be shot and killed by a crazy drug addict, or fail to turn up to the wedding at all

and the number one thing we've learned from watching home and away???

1. There’s no need to fear death. In all likeliness, you’ll just come back to life in a few weeks anyway

oh yeah and i forgot to say...

i finished that hsc
yay me!

so that's where i get it from

so catherine and i just got back from lane cove, and i came upstairs to find my mother (about whose crazy antics im sure you've all heard by now) wrapped in a blanket, sitting on the couch watching some ancient movie which wouldn't have held my attention for more than one second apart from the fact that its about prison, and anybody who's anybody knows that anything about prison will catch my eye on account of the fact that prison break (starring wentworth miller, more commonly known as my future husband) is my all time favourite show. of all time. ever.

anyway. after a few more seconds i realise this movie isnt just about prison.
its about breaking out of prison.
a prison BREAK, if you may.

huh? huh?
this needed investigation:

jacki: (innocently) oh, so whats this you're watching?
mum: The Great Escape
jacki: it looks old
mum: it is old
jacki: whats it about?
mum: its about a group of americans who escape from a german prisoner of war camp during the second world war...wait maybe a mixture of british and americans. anyway. its, like, the best movie ever. AND its got steve mcqueen in it!
jacki: who?
mum: steve mcqueen
jacki: who's that?
mum: (sounding outraged that i dont know) a famous actor!
jacki: is he good looking?
mum: please. he's like the Wentworth Miller of the 1970's

ok.
ok.
OH
MY
GOSH

MY MUM HAS A WENTWORTH MILLER?
more importantly...
MY MUM KNOWS WHO WENTWORTH MILLER IS???
on second thought, i suppose thats actually a given, considering how much i talk about him, especially (for some reason) at the dinner table.
but still...
is this where i got that burning passion that resides deep within my loins, telling me that wentworth and i were made for each other? from my MOTHER?!
who knew family discussion time could be so entertaining?
of course i had to correct my mum straight away
you know, because you cant just go around saying someone is the wentworth miller of the seventies or whatever.
you cant compare regular people to wentworth. he's just too amazing.

why why why is it that im so close to the end, yet it still feels a dillion years away???
probably because i spend more time looking at the clock and listening to crappy music from the 80's than i do studying.
WHATEVER
shouldnt my lack of knowledge and utter panic that ill get into the final exam and be able to think of nothing but the fact that Wentworth Miller's middle name is Earl (Earl. ahaha) make the hours go faster? or at least more bareable???
who am i kidding. nothing is bareable when im stuck in here attempting to memorise the methodology of Thucydides and catherine is sitting on the other side of the door watching Will Ferrell movies and eating chinese food for lunch.
...
i wonder how long it will take me to figure out exactly how many hours i have left until i finish the HSC. maybe by the time i work it out it will be time to go to bed, and ill be that much closer to the finish line.
ok here goes..
...
...
damn i finished already! and it only took...DAMMIT! one minute and 14 seconds! are you kidding me??!!
if only it werent for the technology of calculators and such, id probably be struggling with remainders and carrying the one or whatever for at least an hour. but oh no. some genius had to go invent a calculator. thanks alot.

how ironic that i wasnt really that big of a procrastinator until the HSC actually started.
ok i lied. i was always a procrastinator.
but, as i sit here and, rather than doing something studious like reading about Pompeii and Herculaneum in the pre-79AD era, flip between old re-runs of Gilmore Girls and that terrible scene in High School Musical 2 where Troy dances on the golf course, i realise ive officially sunk to a new level of procrastination.
and let me tell you, it feels phenomenal.
possibly even better than the liberation that came from watching 'Prison Break with RUBBER DUCKS' on youtube the night before my hsc maths exam.

yeah. actually that probably wasnt the best idea. still. its always useful to have something to replay over and over in your mind should you finish an exam 15 minutes early.

blah blah blah, i cant be bothered to type anything else and since i doubt any of you will read this until the HSC is officially over, by which time we all would have died of old age, nobody will suffer from my lack of blog.
at least hopefully not
until next time!

Shower Thoughts #24

Which is more concerning?

The fact that I care more about whether or not Sara will die on the next episode of Prison Break than the HSC, or the fact that I think I have nothing better to do than ask myself this question?

prison break

proving, one again, that my favourite show isnt just the best show on television because of my future husband:

oh. oh.

sensational

hmmm
basically im just killing time until Heroes comes on, which is officially like, my 4th favourite tv show, even though there are now so many characters (several of whom dont even speak english) that it doesnt really make sense anymore.
like i care! did i stop watching Lost after that polar bear appeared for the third time without explanation? i most certainly did not!
anyway the point is, ive had a fairly not-so-great night, mostly on account of the fact that as i was enjoying my shower just 20 minutes ago, mother nature decided to kick me in the crotch, and a thunderstorm started.
...
which might not sound like a big deal, but anybody who knows me knows very well that there are few things on this earth that freak me out more than thunder. one of them is giant cockroaches, and the other is my sister Catherine during one of her rage blackouts. but apart from those, thunderstorms are the worst.
so as soon as the thunder started, my plan to dance-the-time-til-heroes-away-in-the-shower-with-the-help-of-my-trusty-dolphin-shaped-shower-radio was immediately thwarted, and the only thing left to do was run out of the shower, dry myself as quickly as possible, grab the dog from where he was cowering in fear under the coffee table, and my computer, and get under the doona in my bed, where im currently writing this blog.

argh! more thunder!
and theres still 16 minutes til Heroes.

bogon moths

Jacki: (panting) mum! mum! you know those crazy-freaky moths you love so much???
Mum: (sighs) I dont love them, i just think they're nice
Jacki: whatever! what're they called again?
Mum: Bogon moths?
Jacki: I just got attacked by one!
Mum: You got attacked by one??!!
Jacki: Yeah!! In the shower!
Mum: What?
Jacki: Yeah! I dont know what happened! Everything was going great, i was shampooing, you know how i love shampooing, and all of a sudden, there it was! Buzzing around my head like one of those giant flying nazguls from Lord of the Rings. Ok. I've got to stop watching Lord of the Rings. But still!
Mum: Hmm. Thats nice.
Jacki: Hello??!! Did you not hear me? The buzzing? The freaking out? The shampooing interruption? The Lord of the Rings reference? - and i know how much you hate those.
Mum: Jacki its just a moth
Jacki: Just a moth? JUST a moth? I dont think so!
Mum: (sounding bored) Is that so, hmmm
Jacki: I'm telling you, it was huge. Bigger than huge. Colossal! Bigger than colossal! Gigantor!
Mum: (teasing) Not bigger than gigantor?
Jacki: MUM!
Mum: Just go finish your shower
Jacki: Oh no. I cant go back in there now! In fact, i may not ever be able to go back in there! I'm telling you, I havent been this scared of showers since I saw Psycho
Mum: You've never seen Psycho
Jacki: No, but i saw the dvd cover in blockbuster this one time, and i -
Mum: Just go and finish your shower!
Jacki: No! Ok, i havent been this scared of showers...ever!
Mum: What about the time you thought funnel web spiders lived in the sewers and one was going to crawl up the drain and bite the bottom of your foot while you were in the shower?
Jacki: Ok, apart from that.
Mum: What about the time you were afraid to have hot showers in case the mirror steamed up and the ghosts would be able to write threatening notes to you on it?
Jacki: Mum, come on, I was 8!
Mum: What about the time you were convinced that every time you closed your eyes in the shower, the freaky naked princess murderer from Thirteen Ghosts would appear and try to kill you?
Jacki: Enough woman! Look all im saying is i dont think you should be so loving towards those moths anymore, since one of them tried to kill your only daughter
Catherine: Hey!
Jacki: Sorry. Favourite daughter.
Mum: Fine
Jacki: Fine
Mum: Fine
Jacki: Fine!

..
the most pathetic thing about me is: the highlight of my week was being attacked by a moth in the shower.

so
as of this moment, im lying on my bed, watching my cat snuggle into the green pillows on my window box, ignoring the disgustingly hot gale-force winds outside which will probably rip the roof off my house at any second, and thinking about how sucky is it that i only have 8 minutes and 40 seconds left of 'study break time'.

ew.
ew.
i loath the HSC with every fibre of my being.

stu vac or whatever the proper terminology for this crappy excuse of a holiday is

ok. ok. ok
first of all, its been way too long since i sat down at my computer and typed out anything that was in no way related to the HSC.
ok, i lied.
its been too long since i sat down at my computer and typed out anything.
that wasnt to do with wentworth miller.
or prison break.
or the fact that i am in love with wentworth miller.
and prison break.
...
whatever.
and second of all, i think you should all take your hands off the mouse or keys or screen (should you have some weird fetish where you have to touch the screen of your computer) and give a round of applaus.
applause? aplause?
and clap.
because this week something incredible happened. I ACTUALLY DID STUDY!
i know its hard to believe, but its the truth. in between the sunbaking, the trips to lane cove shops, the prison break/lord of the rings/crappy horror movie marathons and constant dashes across the road for more jelly beans and red bull, i managed to sit down and write out some notes.

whether or not i actually retained any of that information? well, only the moment where i sit down to my first exam (english? thats just cruel), open the booklet and have a mental breakdown will tell.
oh. home and away.
until next time!

so.
remember how i used to whinge and moan and bitch and complain 24/7 about my bed? and with reason!
i mean. this thing was so narrow, i dont think you could even call it a single. it was more like a half-single. somewhere between a regular single and one of those bassinets that people carry babies around in. and thats not all. it was old. and not just old. oh no. this is the bed ive had SINCE I GOT OUT OF A COT. its old old. and one of the most annoying things about old old beds is that they squeak. and this one was so exception.
and i didnt just find the fact that every time i so much as wiggled my toes in the night, the whole bed would shudder and shake and creak and groan so loudly i literally thought it was about to explode from underneath me annoying. actually, this wasnt so bad at all, compared to the fact that everytime the bed made a noise, my cat (who has a fond habbit of sleeping on my head) would COMPLETELY FREAK OUT and latch onto my face.
this is not pleasant.
whatever.
the point is, i didnt think there was any feeling more painful than having the promise of a new double bed (from my mum), but having to wait and wait and wait and wait and wait for it, enduring this hideous ancient old old bed in the meantime.
well i was wrong. there is a worse feeling.
because i got my double bed. thats right. the hideous ancient old old bed is gone.
but oh, hoo haa, whats this? the new bed didnt come with a mattress? mum and dad are too busy to get one until next weekend? the old bed has already been thrown away? nobody cares about the condition of jacki's spinal cord?
this. is SO UNFAIR.
because now all i have is the frame of my beautiful beautiful double bed. no mattress. in fact, as im typing this, im sitting on the bare wooden slats of the bed, hoping that one of my parents will come up and see me, think how pathetic i look, and take pity on me.
probably not though. i mean, it is kind of funny.

ps 2 days left of school
weep!

1 hour and 47 minutes until the last monday morning ever.

send jacki to wentworth

so
for those of you who hadnt heard, i entered a Nova competition to win a trip to the set of Prison Break and meet my one and only.
seeings as all you had to do to win was send in a hideous 'mug shot' of yourself, and then complete a series of 'prisoner challenges', i thought i would win for sure - i mean, come on. there are only about 65 thousand hideous photos of me circulating the nation, and we all know im prepared to do pretty much anything in order to meet wentworth.
but no.
no. Nova dissapoints again. i dont know why im suprised.
surprised? suprised?
whatever.
anyway, the point is, im pretty sure that the best thing to do at this point is combine my love for wentworth with 2dayfm's hatred of nova. but first things first, i have to get 2dayfm's attention.
ok. this is where the 'send jacki to wentworth' campaign comes in. and dont worry, theres something for everyone; a myspace bulletin, a facebook group, and (for those sad people in the audience who are as reliant on the internet as i am), theres a blog too.
go on. help me scam as many free airfairs out of these people as i can.
send jacki to wentworth.

myspace: http://bulletins.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=bulletin.read&messageID=4459411450&MyToken=19ddc4b1-af92-4826-a02e-50d73635c022

facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=6283851166

blogger: www.sendjackitowentworth.blogspot.com

Shower Thoughts #23

does catwomans poo smell like cat poo or human poo?

top ten

the top ten reasons why i hate facebook.

10. everyone else loves it: despite the popularity of 'i hate facebook', im pretty sure most people only joined up so that they had free reign to insult me through group comments. except maybe janey.
9. myspace is copying it: why. why. why. myspace, you are ten times the internet addiction that facebook could ever be.
8. the only thing i know how to do is make groups: called 'I hate facebook'. Fun, but how is that going to get me lying in a shrub outside wentworth millers apartment at 3am with a pair of binoculars and 18 empty cans of red bull?
7. there is NO reason for it to be called 'facebook': think about it. myspace is called myspace because its MY SPACE. but facebook? FACEBOOK?! its not a book! its not a face! i dont even have to put my face on it if i dont want to! shut up!
6. i know about people i dont know: and i dont WANT to know them. yeah, thats right. by association, i know the precise time when steven crabapple became friends with ellie winebottle, the date of ron gibbots wedding, and what jessica fin thinks about wendy sloots new haircut. WHY?
5. they all look THE SAME: at least they could encourage individualism. but no. facebooks all look the same. and guess what? they all look HIDEOUS.
4. the incessant emails: so-and-so has written on your wall...so-and-so has added you as a friend...so-and-so wants to confirm that he or she met you on the 6th of july, 1996 at 4.35pm, while standing outside a bowling alley, contemplating whether or not he or she should buy a strawberry flavoured ice cream
3. there is NO difference between 'wall' and 'superwall': is there? i mean DID I MISS SOMETHING??? there is NO difference! none! and once i got superwall, i couldnt figure out how to GET RID OF IT! *weeps*
2. when i signed on today, i had...: 1 texas hold'em invitation, 3 zombie invitations, 1 sticky note request, 3 superpoke! friend requests, 1 emote request, 1 hatching gift invitation, 2 werewolves invitations, 1 vampire invitation, 1 hawaiian luau invitation and 6 new notifications. SHUT UP! THE ONLY THING IM INTERESTED IN IS STALKING WENTWORTH!! IS THAT TOO MUCH FOR YOU PEOPLE???

and the number one reason that i hate facebook...
1. i am totally, utterly and completely addicted to it

home and away

is my absolute obsession with 'crappy' tv shows a genetic thing? my mum and catherine were both out so me and dad decided to have dinner and watch home and away together. just for kicks.

(during an add break)
dad: so, why didnt Sally want to marry Brad?
jacki: (amazed) you know the character names???
dad: we've been watching for almost 10 minutes
jacki: (thinking to self) wow, he's good..
dad: so how come?
jacki: well, Sally was married to Flynn, but he died of melanoma. And Brad was married to Emily, and she died of Luekemia. For some reason, Brad was ok with getting married again but Sally felt like if she married someone else she'd be 'erasing' the memory of Flynn
dad: so both of their previous partners died?
jacki: yeah
dad: what did they die of?
jacki: I just told you, melanoma and leukemia
dad: gee. thats so tragic!
jacki: (thinking: did he just say 'gee'??) Yeah I guess. alot of people die on home and away
dad: hmm
jacki: oh look its back on

(during the next add break)
dad: So whats happening with Jack and Martha?
jacki: well they have to get marriage counseling because they want to get divorced but they were only married for 6 months
dad: why do they want a divorce?
jacki: mainly because Jack is engaged to someone else
dad: (sounding shocked) really?
jacki: (sounding bored) yes. really
dad: and why did they get a divorce?
jacki: well Jack's a policeman so he was always working, and Martha got tired of it. Also, they argue about everything
dad: thats so sad!
jacki: Yeah I loved them together
dad: (sounding genuinely upset) Do you think they'll ever work it out??
jacki: I think so, theyre meant to be together
dad: (practically on the verge of tears) Its just so..so sad!
jacki: Dad I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but you do know its just a tv show, right??
dad: (annoyed) That doesnt mean its not sad!!
jacki: ok ok. geez

(a couple of minutes later)
dad: do you like it when guys dont shave their face?
jacki: OH. MY GOSH.
dad: I mean, half the guys on this show have 4 days of growth on their face.
jacki: (extremely weirded out) Um..I dont really have a preference
dad: oh ok. I was just wondering you know (Dan comes onto the screen) So..you like that guy? (winks)
jacki: I'm leaving
dad: (cheerfully) Ok, I'll tell you what happens!


...
...
WHAT THE HELL!

coming soon..

note: release date may be delayed due to my sister being a pain in the ass

procrastination and pineapple

(does this apply to anyone else, or am i the only one going COMPLETELY INSANE??))

with like 10 days left of school, and absolutely no room left in my brain to possibly even attempt to retain any more information, i've pretty much given up.

and ive gotta tell you, it feels phenomenal.

so miss mitchell asked us to do some practice essay for homework. homework? homework? no miss mitchell, no. i love you and all, but my head will literally implode. or explode. whichever is more dramatic. whichever would enable me to apply for 5 extra UAI points.

so, essay question thrown to the side, ive just spent the last 45 minutes trying to make an origami swan (yes, yet another attempt to associate myself with Prison Break/Wentworth Miller). Anyway, 45 minutes of complete concentration gave me this:

sigh. *hates origami swans*

ouch. have you ever noticed that the aftermath of eating pineapple kind of feels like you've rubbed the inside of your mouth out with sandpaper and then gargled sulfuric acid? im literally dying here. what is it about pineapple, that its so incredibly painful to eat, and yet everytime im about to eat it, i forget about how excruciating it was the last time i tried to eat it. AND theres the whole once-you-start-you-cant-stop factor.

its like the fruitbowls way of kicking me in the crotch. seriously.

i tried to be healthy by having pineapple, i really did.

whatever. the next time i try to eat pineapple, remind me that it would probably be less painful to rip out my own tongue than to do so.