the invisible man, ivan milat, and myself

so i just finished watching supernatural, and suprise suprise, i had no clue what was going on most of the time, probably because i kept leaving the tv to get food and whatnot.
I mean can you blame me? If im going to watch people get mauled to death by freakish chainsaw-weilding ghosts, im going to do it with some food dammit.

anyway.
the main reason i came to blog is because i totally forgot to blog about my dream last night.
pfft. dream.
more like NIGHTMARE.
wow.
that was so dramatic.
anyway, gather round children and i will tell you a tale.

So in my dream/nightmare, i was a girl (like i am in real life), and i was Kate from Lost. thats right. Does anyone even watch Lost anymore except me? Probably not. Oh well. Anyway, so I was Kate, and these two guys, also from Lost (Jack and Sawyer for anyone who is actually still following me here), were with me, and basically it was our job to find these freakish people who were hiding in this building that we were in, which was like a newpaper office or something, I dono, it was some big room filled with lifts and people and paper and computers and lots of talking talking talking.

Anyway we were working our way around the building, and eventually we discovered that there were three people that we had to do something to, and they were this man who could turn invisible (lets call him The Invisible Man), this lady who could split herself in two, so there were like two of her (lets call her Double Lady), and Ivan Milat (lets call him Ivan Milat). Anyway, I dont even know what we had to do, because I was just as clueless in this dream as i am in real life, possibly even more so, so basically i was just following Jack and Sawyer around and trying to distract myself from the fact that Ivan Milat had worked his way into my nightmares.

Anyway suddenly we were in this lift, and it was going down to the bottom level of St Leonards train station (which we were now in by the way. keep up), and The Invisible Man was in the lift with us, only nobody could see him, because he had turned himself invisible. But we could see him.
How did that work?
Anyway back to the dream, suddenly me and Jack and Sawyer had this piece of paper, I don't know what it was because I was only Kate and obviously Jack and Sawyer are much more capable of handling pieces of paper than me, but apparently The Invisible Man and Double Lady and Ivan Milat had to get it off us. So we got out of the lift and Jack and Sawyer are all "run!", and i was all like "i dont think i will", so for some weird reason i decided to lie down on the platform.

Anyway The Invisible Man grabbed me and threw me on the train tracks so that i was lying in the small space just between where the trains went, and Jack and Sawyer didnt even notice so they kept running (thanks guys), anyway and then a train started coming and i was like "dude this will probably hurt", and the train was about to run over me when i woke up.

so either i have a subconcious fear of trains or ivan milat is coming to get me.
but probably both.
the end!

That time I met...Wikipedia

Jacki: Whats up.
Wikipedia: I suck
Jacki: I know.

THE END

wikipedia the worlds biggest suck

ok you know what?
i decided the most annoying thing in the world is when you spend your whole ancient lesson writing a wikipedia page about how you are pretty much the coolest person ever, and then you realise that you have no idea where it is or what the title is or how to edit it, and the only thing you do realise is that wikipedia is a giant gay gypsy and should just go die in a hole on the side of the road, even though it wasnt alive in the first place.

which is hardly the point.
maybe the guy who invented alice-bot can make a wikipedia-bot so i can bully it until it cries.
those robots are so annoying. stab.
stab stab.
one day im going to go on a roadtrip to where ever alice bot is and stab her. he. it.
and also the person who invented alice bot. ill stab them too. after they make the wikipedia-bot, which i am also going to stab.

ok so as i was writing this, my mum came in and read it over my shoulder and goes...
"are you alright?"
and im like yes.
and shes like.
"well, its just a bit weird isnt it?" (pointing to the screen).

fools. fools all.
and you know what else is the most annoying thing in the world is that i have this new computer with some Vista thing on it, so the internet layout is all different so i may as well be staring at a poo with a toothpick sticking out of it, because i have no clue how to do anything.
damn it Vista! you'll pay. with your body.

Shower Thoughts #20

shut up avril lavigne
you know why? because you're a mole.
and also
that song girlfriend sucks hairy balls
hairy hairy balls.

in a second you'll be wrapped around my finger
coz i can, coz i can do it better
theres no other, so whens it gonna sink in
shes so stupid
what the hell were you thinking?

AVRIL LAVIGNE (or however you spell it)
you suck!
first of all,
why would any man dump his girlfriend for some girl who insults his relationship choices?
why?
why why why?
and second of all, YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED!!!
what reason do you have for runnning around and stealing the only men left for everyone else who isnt a giant mole? what reason avril? huh? huh? why so quiet peppy?

ugh
ive been harbouring this rage toward avril lavigne for a very long time.

anzac day

anzac day today, and in the true spirit of mateship, loyalty, courage and all that stuff, catherine and i had another argument which i thought i should tell you about

(standing at the lane cove anzac day service)
jacki: (whispering) Hey, who are the people that march in this parade?
catherine: Like the boy scouts?
jacki: No, i mean like, usually there are old people
catherine: Yeah, its the people that fought in the war
jacki: But havent they all died? It was like world war one
catherine: (laughing) World war two idiot!
jacki: (confused) No, anzac day is world war one
catherine: No it isnt (still laughs)
jacki: Yes it is, its about Gallipoli. You look like the biggest fool now.
catherine: Yeah...
jacki: Which was world war one! I think I would know! I've been trying to prevent my head from exploding because of it, for the last two weeks!
catherine: What?
jacki: Modern
catherine: No, Im saying that the world war two people are marching for the world war one people
jacki: What?
catherine: Because they're all dead!
jacki: I know! IM the one that said that!
catherine: No you didnt!
jacki: What?!
catherine: You suck!
jacki: Mum, is anzac day world war one or two?
mum: Well it celebrates both, but it started in world war one
jacki and catherine: HA!
jacki: What are you ha-ing at, I won!
catherine: No you didnt, I did!
jacki: No, I was saying that anzac day is originally world war one
catherine: No, you were saying that all the world war one people were dead!
jacki: I thught you said I didnt say that!
catherine: Whatever. I was saying that the world war two people march for them
jacki: No you werent!! You were saying that anzac day started in world war two!!
catherine: Whatever. you lose.
jacki: No i dont!!

...
OHMIGOSH..
fool

Ode to Gemma

Gemma is cool

She totally rules

She never drools

She goes to my school

Gemma is wack

No hair on her back

She likes a good snack

And gives a good dack

Gemma is hot

She doesnt smoke pot

Her blood doesnt clot

I love her alot

Gemma is fun

She bakes in the sun

She isnt a nun

Like steel is her bun

Gemma can dance

Dance in her pants

Listen to my rants

Marry a prince named Lance

Gemma is hot.

xoxo

annoyances

ok so today i woke at 12, refreshed and ready to get ready and catch the bus to school where we were planning on having a lovely afternoon of studying modern, so i could stop failing so terribly and actually begin to understand something in modern, a long shot i know, but hey, it was worth a shot

anyway id just gotten dressed and put on mascara and everything and i was actually having a good hair day, something which happens so infrequently that i cant remember the last time it happened since im pretty sure i was still in my mothers womb, and then the fone rings.
...
you heard me right
the fone
it rang.

so i frolicked downstairs in a fit of excitement about the fact that i was about to make the journey to school to do some modern (weird i know, but i find myself having cravings sometimes, i think its because our class is so sexy), answering the fone in my most ladylike voice, and low and behold, fund myself talking to miss shanahan, who explained that we would NOT be doing any modern today because she had synesitis and was forced to go home.
wait.
what?
(it took me a moment to get over the fact that SHE was actually calling ME. i always thought it would be the other way around, should i somehow, someday manage to get my hands on her phone number. i also always thought that beth and casey would be with me, and we would be putting on a male voice, and giggling uncontrollably.)

anyway
so yes
not only do i now know officially nothing about what i am supposed to know about for the modern exam, im also annoyed because i saw NOBODY today which means that NOBODY shared my good hair day, and i probably wont have another one for another 17 years.
death.
DEATH!

so philosophical

just something ive been pondering for a while...

what is the opposite of bald?
and i know what you're thinking.
well you're wrong.
its not hairy
its NOT.

hairy alludes to the fact that you have hair all over your body, not just on your head. if someone has a full head of hair, you dont say to them "hey, your head is really hairy."
ok.
no.
you just dont do that.

and when someone doesnt have a really hairy body, like any normal person, you dont say to them "hey your body is really bald."
ok.
no.
you just dont do that.
so what is it? what is it? where did it come from?
i thought every word had to have an opposite! well there goes my faith in the english language! not that ive had any since the first time i failed an english assessment.
but still.
whatever.


...
...
hairful?

why wholemeal bread sucks ass

umm
so today i had finished studying, being my studious self, so i went downstairs to get some lunch.
you heard me. lunch
so anyway i decided to have some toast. lovely toast. how delightful.
well actually NO it was not so delightful on account of the fact that as soon as i pushed the toaster-button-thingie down, i realised
GASP
no!
IT WAS WHOLEMEAL BREAD!!
how can this be? why would this be? my mum KNOWS i hate wholemeal bread, why would she possibly have any reason to buy wholemeal bread and tie the bag with the same blue tie as she does the white bread, and put it in the same place in the pantry she doesnt the white bread!!!
WHYYYYY
so anyway after i got over the initial shock of the fact that i almost consumed wholemeal bread, i found that lucky little me, there was still one piece of white bread left in the white bread bag in the pantry, so i could still have the wonderful wonderful whitebread-toast-ish lunch i had dreamed of.
so i took the piece of white bread and lovingly put it in the toaster, and was about to push down the toaster-button-thingie when i recieved another shock...
...
ok...
THERE WAS MOULD ALONG THE TOP OF THE BREAD
my piece of bread
MY PIECE OF BREAD
the ONLY PIECE OF WHITE BREAD LEFT IN THE ENTIRE HOUSE AND IT HAS MOULD ON IT AND THE ONLY THING THAT MAYBE EVEN COMES CLOSE TO DISGUSTING ME AS MUCH AS WHOLEMEAL BREAD IS MOULD.

what is this? some kind of sick joke? natures way of forcing me to be healthy? well it wont work i tell you! i have to stand strong! defend myself against salad and wholemeal and, gasp, dare i say it...low gi!
sigh.
so anyway i had to resort to eating some other crappy lunch which was so crappy that i cant even remember what it was.
and now i have to go to the shops because im still craving for white bread and if i dont have any in the next ten seconds i will probably die.
so there you have it.
death to wholemeal

old people

yet more proof that old people have pretty much no clue (no offense jimi)

the following conversation took place today in the car:

jacki: (commenting on the weather) Its so hot! Milk was a bad choice!
mum: What was a bad choice?
jacki: Milk
mum: ....What?
jacki: Milk. Milk was a bad choice.
mum: What does that mean?
jacki: Nothing, its just a joke from a movie.
mum: oh ok...So whats wrong with the milk?
jacki: Nothing mum, its just a joke.
mum: I dont understand
jacki: Mum! its just a joke from a movie! I was just commenting on the heat!
mum: Do i need to get more milk?
jacki: OH MY GOSH!
mum: Well, you said -
jacki: Ok just forget i said anything!

see? see what i mean??!!!
totally clueless.

no comments today, my love has gone away
da da da da da da
da da da da da da
no comments today, it wasnt always so
da da da da da da
da da da da da da

abe

so, this being the holidays and all, what i should have done today would probably involve lots of sun and shopping, laughter and fun, general good-times-being-had kind of thing, you know, except that because we're now in year 12 and actually have to start listening and learning in school (where did that come from?), i had to somehow figure out how to get in 6 hours of study as well as going to school from 10 til 3 to attend the 'dt day'.
ew
ew
ew
needless to say i barely made 2 hours of study, and spent the entire time at school weeping over the fact that i have to individually hand stitch three hundred and twenty five million beads onto my dress, at the same time as trying to figure out a way to stab myself in the heart with my needle just hard enough so that i never have to so much as look at another bead again, but not hard enough that i actually die.

the highlight of the day was probably my weekly perve on wentworth miller during prison break. I dont understand why people dont think that manly man beast of a manly man isnt hot. so his nose is a little crooked.
so what?
so is mine.
we'll match.
probably more disturbing is the fact that some people find the old old old man who plays his brother more hot.
more hot i tell you
the man catherine and i have nicknamed 'abe'.
abe.
abe.
as in old.
because you know, all old people are called abe.
i really dont see why they have to make hot hot hot wentworth miller the character with the whole body suit tattoo freakish thing, thus forcing him to wear long sleeved tops at all times, when ew ew ew abe is the one running around with his shirt half undone the whole time
THE WHOLE TIME
why why why would they do that to me?
and as if he wouldnt find that annoying. you're trying to run away from the police half naked, for crying out loud.
and also YOU'RE HURTING MY EYES.

...
im pretty sure he shaves his chest anyway, so i should just smack his bottom. or rather, get someone else to do it for me since touching anything that old and saggy would make me projectile vomit myself into another universe.
well i hope youve all enjoyed another rant about pretty much nothing, just me, and my pointless arguments and observations that never get anyone anywhere.
why are you reading this! go study!

shut up

so apparently i got home and saw on the news that there was a tsunami warning for most of today?
ok
wait
WHAT?
THERE WAS A TSUNAMI WARNING FOR MOST OF TODAY?
today
TODAY
FOR SYDNEY
TSUNAMI
WARNING
TODAY
SYDNEY
while we were at school
oh dont bother to tell the children. the future generations. the future leaders of this country. the future wifes of ewan mcgregor and hugh jackman.
future wife of ewan and hugh. whatever
so anyway i was so annoyed about that that i didnt even realise what i should actually be really annoyed about which is the fact that IT IS SO FREAKING HARD TO TYPE TSUNAMI.
which i just realised like 3 minutes ago when i was talking to gemma and telling her about the tsunami warning.
and which i confirmed 2 seconds ago when i tried to type 'tsunami warning' and it took me like 4 tries to get it right.
ok
WHO INVENTED THE WORD TSUNAMI?
because whoever it is, im going to smack your bottom so hard it will cause a tsa...a tsom...a sudfb...a tidal wave.
in sydney
and we will be notified WHEN THE WARNING IS ACTUALLY STILL IN PLACE.
and the teenage mutant ninja turtles will save us all.
and maybe that guy from 300 too. he seems kind of ripped.
in an old man kind of way.

whatever. whats really important is that jimi, if you're there, harness all that stalking energy you put towards me, and direct it all towards finding out who invented the word tsunami, and then bringing them to me so that i can slap them silly.

notes on a Dame

So anyway, we just got back from seeing Notes on a scandel with me juju sair and laurenzo, and I have to say, even though I did have my doubts, it was pretty good.
First the previews, which are always good (says Lauren). I mean what other time do you get to suss out the other movies, and divide them into which ones you’ll see excitedly, which ones you’ll see grudgingly, and which ones you will just continually mock for the rest of your life.
And then the movie. Probably the best moments were
a) laughing with Julia at all the old people around us who were laughing at the lame grown-up jokes
b) laughing at myself after coming to the sad realisation that I was seeing a movie popular with really old people
And Judi Dench. I mean who doesn’t love a good Judi Dench movie? if theres anyone out there, I don’t know about them. And if I did, then you wouldn’t, because I would have already slapped them to death.
So anyway the movie pretty much confirmed my suspicions that Judi Dench and Mrs Fletcher are the same person. So first I decided that im going to give Mrs Fletcher the nickname ‘Dame’, and then I decided that I’ll never be able to look at Dame the same way again, on account of the fact that when she was transformed into her alter ego, Judi Dench, she was playing this freak-o character who like stalks people until they end up in jail.
So pretty much the next time Dame transforms into her alter ago, she is coming after one of us. Not me.
Ill already be dead since she’ll probably organise my assassination as soon as she catches wind that im calling her Dame.
Yeah.
Assassination.
She can do that you know.
She’s Judi Dench.

ok so i have this theory
and no, before you say anything, this isnt one of my normal theories that everyone makes fun of, like that theory i have that the end toilet in the year seven bathroom changes every time i go into it, or that theory i have that the voice over lady at the train station is Gretel Killeen, or that theory i have that Gollum lives in my roof space.

its real i tell you
ok
brace yourselves
the history staff...
is trying to kill me.
and i swear it. and not just the normal kind of trying to kill you, you know like the way teachers try to kill their students with homework and assessments and dirty looks.
they are actually coming after me.
like with a knife.
well maybe not a knife. yet.
so it goes like this..first i had a theory that...oh wait a second. just got to the keychange in this song im listening to.
dude
oh dude
that was freaking awesome
ok now where was i?
oh yeah
theyre trying to get me. like i dont know. one day you'll all get to school and i would have been bashed to death with postmodernist articles or something. im pretty sure they could just concentrate the rage that miss shanahan feels toward me and put it into a bottle, then throw it at me like a grenade.

and im not being paranoid either! you havent seen the way t-watty glares formidably in my direction. Oh sure its all fun and games when im making fun of him for bearing resemblance to P Diddy, but he'll get his own on me one day.
...
ironic that i do five units of history when the whole history department is trying to oust me.

jimi?

ok i am officially curious
jimi
who ARE you?
besides being the only person on the planet who could possibly be more stalkerish than me (ill take you on buddy), where did you come from??

its like one day, you just appeared, fully formed, from underneath a moist stone.
please
enlighten us
or at least me
i dont know if anyone else is high enough to read this crap

333rd post!!!

three hundred and thirty third post
lets make it a good one

so i woke up today with the intention of doing some work but ended up doing nothing all day but watching old episodes of Gilmore Girls, eating mint m'n'ms and imagining multiple ways of removing my cats head from her body after she practically shaved my skin off with her claws.
which, ironically, happened as i was trying to clip her nails for her, since, being the loving mother that i am, i didnt want her to develop some heinous hangnail or ingrown toe or whatever other feral diseases you can obtain for having claws that are too long and too dangerous and get used too often to rip jacki's bikinis to shreds.

sigh

so anyway, after i gave up trying to be loving towards my beast of a kitten, i travelled downstairs, where, low and behold, my dad is sitting under his desk trying to connect his new computer to the internet. without much success.
needless to say, he hasnt got any internet, and now our home phones arent working.

probably the highlight of the day was when i shaved my legs. that was pretty good. theres just nothing like the feeling of a freshly shaven leg. unless that leg belongs to a man.
shudder.

can I just say how annoying it is that teachers actually expect you to do work in year 12?

Hollie - a dedication

ok hollie since you were so thoroughly dissapointed with my last post and how much i didnt talk about you in it, i present to you..

Hollie - A Dedication

Oh Hollie Tinworth,

with hair so blonde

my memories of you

are always so fond.

Oh Hollie Tinworth,

with eyes so blue

your physical appearance

is nothing like poo.

Oh Hollie Tinworth,

of tutor group six

we always go crazy

...

...

just for kicks.

Oh Hollie Tinworth,

your wrongs equal zero

you never drink beer-o

you're always so cheer-o

Hollie Tinworth..my hero

exam timetable came out today
ew
do they have this thing, where they type all the requirements into the computer (like maths extension and english extension cannot be on at the same time, music 1 and ancient history cannot be on at the same time, modern history and general maths cannot be on at the same time etc etc), and then add onto the end "Jacki Trew must be thoroughly distrought with her exam timetable?"
i swear
i swear
like every timetable ive ever had in my entire existance has been horrible. horrible. terrible. a travesty to all timetables in existance everywhere.
if timetables were people, and people didnt exist because there was no such thing as people, there were just timetables, the Roseville College timetable would be the outcast of timetables. seriously. People would look at it and say, theyd say "why would we want to be friends with someone so heinous, someone so unjust, someone so blatantly unforgiving and concerned only with causing everyone around them pain".
Maybe im being a bit too dramatic about this

who am i kidding. theres nothing to be but dramatic about this!!
sigh.
ok
enough about timetables. or people. or timetables acting as people
pimetoples?