notes on a Dame

So anyway, we just got back from seeing Notes on a scandel with me juju sair and laurenzo, and I have to say, even though I did have my doubts, it was pretty good.
First the previews, which are always good (says Lauren). I mean what other time do you get to suss out the other movies, and divide them into which ones you’ll see excitedly, which ones you’ll see grudgingly, and which ones you will just continually mock for the rest of your life.
And then the movie. Probably the best moments were
a) laughing with Julia at all the old people around us who were laughing at the lame grown-up jokes
b) laughing at myself after coming to the sad realisation that I was seeing a movie popular with really old people
And Judi Dench. I mean who doesn’t love a good Judi Dench movie? if theres anyone out there, I don’t know about them. And if I did, then you wouldn’t, because I would have already slapped them to death.
So anyway the movie pretty much confirmed my suspicions that Judi Dench and Mrs Fletcher are the same person. So first I decided that im going to give Mrs Fletcher the nickname ‘Dame’, and then I decided that I’ll never be able to look at Dame the same way again, on account of the fact that when she was transformed into her alter ego, Judi Dench, she was playing this freak-o character who like stalks people until they end up in jail.
So pretty much the next time Dame transforms into her alter ago, she is coming after one of us. Not me.
Ill already be dead since she’ll probably organise my assassination as soon as she catches wind that im calling her Dame.
Yeah.
Assassination.
She can do that you know.
She’s Judi Dench.

ok so i have this theory
and no, before you say anything, this isnt one of my normal theories that everyone makes fun of, like that theory i have that the end toilet in the year seven bathroom changes every time i go into it, or that theory i have that the voice over lady at the train station is Gretel Killeen, or that theory i have that Gollum lives in my roof space.

its real i tell you
ok
brace yourselves
the history staff...
is trying to kill me.
and i swear it. and not just the normal kind of trying to kill you, you know like the way teachers try to kill their students with homework and assessments and dirty looks.
they are actually coming after me.
like with a knife.
well maybe not a knife. yet.
so it goes like this..first i had a theory that...oh wait a second. just got to the keychange in this song im listening to.
dude
oh dude
that was freaking awesome
ok now where was i?
oh yeah
theyre trying to get me. like i dont know. one day you'll all get to school and i would have been bashed to death with postmodernist articles or something. im pretty sure they could just concentrate the rage that miss shanahan feels toward me and put it into a bottle, then throw it at me like a grenade.

and im not being paranoid either! you havent seen the way t-watty glares formidably in my direction. Oh sure its all fun and games when im making fun of him for bearing resemblance to P Diddy, but he'll get his own on me one day.
...
ironic that i do five units of history when the whole history department is trying to oust me.

jimi?

ok i am officially curious
jimi
who ARE you?
besides being the only person on the planet who could possibly be more stalkerish than me (ill take you on buddy), where did you come from??

its like one day, you just appeared, fully formed, from underneath a moist stone.
please
enlighten us
or at least me
i dont know if anyone else is high enough to read this crap

333rd post!!!

three hundred and thirty third post
lets make it a good one

so i woke up today with the intention of doing some work but ended up doing nothing all day but watching old episodes of Gilmore Girls, eating mint m'n'ms and imagining multiple ways of removing my cats head from her body after she practically shaved my skin off with her claws.
which, ironically, happened as i was trying to clip her nails for her, since, being the loving mother that i am, i didnt want her to develop some heinous hangnail or ingrown toe or whatever other feral diseases you can obtain for having claws that are too long and too dangerous and get used too often to rip jacki's bikinis to shreds.

sigh

so anyway, after i gave up trying to be loving towards my beast of a kitten, i travelled downstairs, where, low and behold, my dad is sitting under his desk trying to connect his new computer to the internet. without much success.
needless to say, he hasnt got any internet, and now our home phones arent working.

probably the highlight of the day was when i shaved my legs. that was pretty good. theres just nothing like the feeling of a freshly shaven leg. unless that leg belongs to a man.
shudder.

can I just say how annoying it is that teachers actually expect you to do work in year 12?

Hollie - a dedication

ok hollie since you were so thoroughly dissapointed with my last post and how much i didnt talk about you in it, i present to you..

Hollie - A Dedication

Oh Hollie Tinworth,

with hair so blonde

my memories of you

are always so fond.

Oh Hollie Tinworth,

with eyes so blue

your physical appearance

is nothing like poo.

Oh Hollie Tinworth,

of tutor group six

we always go crazy

...

...

just for kicks.

Oh Hollie Tinworth,

your wrongs equal zero

you never drink beer-o

you're always so cheer-o

Hollie Tinworth..my hero

exam timetable came out today
ew
do they have this thing, where they type all the requirements into the computer (like maths extension and english extension cannot be on at the same time, music 1 and ancient history cannot be on at the same time, modern history and general maths cannot be on at the same time etc etc), and then add onto the end "Jacki Trew must be thoroughly distrought with her exam timetable?"
i swear
i swear
like every timetable ive ever had in my entire existance has been horrible. horrible. terrible. a travesty to all timetables in existance everywhere.
if timetables were people, and people didnt exist because there was no such thing as people, there were just timetables, the Roseville College timetable would be the outcast of timetables. seriously. People would look at it and say, theyd say "why would we want to be friends with someone so heinous, someone so unjust, someone so blatantly unforgiving and concerned only with causing everyone around them pain".
Maybe im being a bit too dramatic about this

who am i kidding. theres nothing to be but dramatic about this!!
sigh.
ok
enough about timetables. or people. or timetables acting as people
pimetoples?

im back. and ive got back.

since you all seem to be suffering terribly from a lack of blog (or maybe i just want an excuse to rant madly at everyone in the world over the internet), here it is. a new blog.
hopefully to be followed by more new blogs, unless i stab my computer to death as a result of the stress of modern/ancient/maths assessments, a dt major work, arab-israeli conflict summary sheets, or simply the fact that blogger has changed all around and it took me like four hours to figure out just how to write a freaking post.

ok. enough rant.
what am i talking about. theres never enough rant.

anyway to catch up, im pretty much writing this just for ellen and hollie (there you go hollie, i mentioned you on my blog, clearly this means i love you and will probably end up writing a sonnet about you in my old age) so i can publicly declare how awesome Batman is.

Batman. oh Batman.
Batman, aka Mrs Collins, is truly awesome. My hero. We had weekly high-fives, which rapidly became daily high-fives because i just couldnt get enough of her. She gestures wildly and laughs at my lame jokes and tells me and ellen to "stop doing nothing in dt!!" and im pretty sure she'll end up killing me out of frustration one of these days. She and Miss Mitchell ("mitch") together are such a wonderful wonderful combination that they almost make up for the fact that miss shanahan hates me with the fire of a thousand suns.

except im pretty sure she only pretends to hate me because shes so jealous that there are other teachers who want to be the first ones to have a student (namely me), recieve a silver merit award composed of merits only from them.

well. rant pretty much over. i guess ill be back soon for more rant, probably about something insane, inappropriate and time-wasting like merits or home and away or that whole "why-do-so-many-people-love-george-clooney-i-simply-dont-understand-it" thing.

until then!!

back get off the rack

so ohmigosh today me and julia got back from
lord howe which was p0ssibly the best holiday of my life on account of the fact that me and julia met eric bana because he was staying in the same hotel as us, and his kids like loved us (klaus and sophia, we love you too), so we hung out with him for like a week and it was the coolest moment of my life
also he wore a red speedo and bent over in front of me and his ass was like a cm away from my face
i died
more later
jack xx

valuable life lessons id rather not have learnt #1

just a tip:
dont sit on an open toilet seat with freshly moisturised thighs

hot day! hot day!

well finally it actually felt like summer today, after about a dillion years of us having to endure it technically being summer, but actually being like 2 degrees
which sucked hairy balls
it was a good day
despite the fact that i was woken up at about 630 this morning by the huge crashing noise coming from my computer as it fell to the floor out of my bed (sidecar: how did my computer get into my bed?)
anyway it was too early to figure that one out, so i waited until 12 before rolling out of bed and into the pool and spent the rest of my day doing what any normal person should spend the perfect summer day doing; getting sunburnt, eating and naming all our pool toys after various characters on Gilmore Girls.
oh yes
i love summer

shower thoughts # 16

say INXS
now say INSX
...
dont they sound the same???

catherine and i argue again

so just now i was talking to my crazy sister, and she tells me that last night she had a dream that the whole of sydney harbour froze, and people could go iceskating on the harbour, and she and her friends got a boat and put a blade-thingie on the bottom of the boat and went 'ice-sailing'
..
well obviously that was the most retarded thing i have ever heard in my life, because well, who ever heard of ice-sailing, i mean come on, shut up
because obviously when she said to me 'and me and my friends put a blade on the bottom of a boat and went ice-sailing', i invisioned this retarded looking boat with one giant blade in the middle on the bottom, and well of course everyone knows that would be retarded because if the boat stopped moving for like one second, then it would tip over to the side
so when i told my dear sister this, she replied that yes, maybe the boat would tip over, but its not as if it would completely turn upside down because it would get stopped by the ice
..as if there is nothing wrong with what she just said
so then i said, i said catherine, i said, so what if the boat tips over to the side, how the hell is it supposed to get moving again? and she said, well the wind would push it of course
and im like
what the hell
you would have to like, prop the boat up with a stick on one side, and also make sure it didnt fall over to the other side, and wait until there was a strong enough gust of wind to make it start moving again, and the odds of that actually happening, or it happening and then actually working, are like a dillion to one
anyway, then she proceeded to explain that when she said the boat had a blade on the bottom of it, she actually meant that it had two blades on the bottom so that the boat could balance on the ice
and the following argument ensued:
me: well if thats what you meant, why didnt you just say that there were two blades?
catherine: i thought that you would just assume
me: why would i assume, if you said 'there is a blade on the bottom of the boat'. a blade. one. singular
catherine: yeah, but its like iceskating. you dont have one blade, you have two blades
me: thats because you have two feet
catherine: yeah but you dont iceskate on one foot
me: some people do
catherine: no they dont!
me: yes they do!
catherine: no they dont!
me: anyway even if you have two feet, you still only have one blade on each foot
catherine: so what?
me: so, the boot is like the boat. and you only have one blade on each boot, so you should only have one blade on each boat. unless you have two boats, there is no way you could have two blades, so you would only ever need one blade because its not as if people sail with one foot on each boat, they just have one boat. if they had two boots, they would have two blades. and the boot is like the boat. so if you had two boats, you would have two blades. but you dont. you only have one boat. so you only have one blade
catherine: (pause) yeah, but people dont iceskate on one foot
me: ARGHHH

anyway i feel like my point came off fairly well, and once again, catherine lost

attacked AGAIN

so anyway, today i was putting up the christmas tree, which is pretty much the highlight of my year since i always do it by myself coz the rest of my family are such buttbags that theyre always 'out' or 'busy' when it comes to putting up the christmas tree (like i care, they would just get in my way and mess the whole thing up anyway)
anyway what was i saying?
oh yeah so i was putting up the christmas tree, and i had just put all the tinsel on and turned around to get the box of decorations, and what was on the lid of the box?
WHAT WAS ON THE LID OF THE BOX?
...
ONLY LIKE THE MOST GIANT SPIDER IN THE HISTORY OF SPIDERS THAT ARE GIANT AND TRY TO ATTACK ME AND SUCCEED!
so anyway of course i screamed and then did that shudder thing you do when you want to die because there is a giant spider in front of you, then i hid under the chair for a while
anyway then i realised that a) my sister usually fights my spider battles for me, and b) my sister wasnt home and c) i was going to have to face this spider on my own
which was pretty crappy
so i ran around the room for a while, and the spider, which is so creepy, i swear it was like watching me, since every time i would run away from it, it would turn so that it was still staring at me
i mean
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ANYTHING SO CREEPY?
NO!
anyway then i went to get the insect spray from under the sink, and i started spraying this giant attacking death machine (from a distance - you can never be too safe) and i swear, it like, started REARING at me
like you know how they put their two front legs in the air and go like this:
RRRRRRROOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR??????
well it started doing that!!
and i had to sit there and watch it, and scream, and then watch it again
and i swear it was the most terrifying moment of my life
so there
all be grateful that im still here, writing this post, and not dead because i got attacked by a giant spider which attacked me
yeah
thats right

blogging (for beth)

well since myspace is on hiatus i decided to come look at my own blog since im lame and like to read my own comments (dont judge me - im only human) and i noticed that someone else is having a blog-craving; beth, whose blogs i have also been craving, so this ones for you bethy, but you have to blog for me also, since i cant live on my own blogs all the time
well maybe i could, if i got some split-personality and each of my personalities wrote blogs and then they could read each others
and hey, you could write about it for your major work
but that would be totally weird
but also kind of awesome...
anyway, today was tres fun, we went to gemmas and watched movies, like the infamous wrong turn, which was a first for some of us (jo and mai - the wrong turn virgins), but then it turned out that there was a bit of wrong turn that we were all virginious to - this extra footage at the end of the credits which i dont know about you guys, but ive never seen it before, anyway it was totally freaky and the freakish-laughing-all-the-time mutant was like half burnt and running around with a knife and screaming, needless to say we were all on the floor screaming, laughing and crying at the same time, somebody probably pissed their panties a little, im not sure

also we figured out that the hippy guy in wrong turn is, wait for it
wait for it
ELTON FROM CLUELESS
ohmigosh is that weird or wat
anyway yeah that was pretty funny, also was stealing the remote off mai when she was desperately trying to catch a glimpse of buffy on tv which she "hadnt seen for, like, a whole year", even though the rest of us saw no point really, since buffy is pretty much horse shit on tv, for example, this episode was about posessed hyenas which posess other people with their magical posessive eyes
yeah
pretty much
so there beth, that was it just for you baby
so blog back!!
love jac xox

so many thanks to ellen and jane for just making my day by showing me that feral feral picture of a cat feetus (however you spell it - im not a freaking scientist) with only one eye, truly, im living a better life due to that
not
im scarred for life
almost as scarred as i am by seeing that bit of Borat with the two naked guys wrestling with each other, and one of them is so fat that you cant even tell hes a guy, actually im pretty sure hes a woman
shes a woman
whatever
um also thanks to miss mitchell for also making my day by giving back my ancient assessment and then proceeding to tell me everything that i did wrong, especially in the opening paragraph of the third question, where my answer read (and i kid you not):
The Ramesside Period in Egypt began after the death of Ahken-Aten, which caused the cult of Aten to be abandoned. After this, features of Egypt which had been removed in the previous dynasty were restored, and the first pharaoh to rule over the new period in Egypt was (insert name here).
Yeah
so pretty much i suck
other than that my day was pretty average, and im now feeling like an absolute blob on account of the fact that i ate two dinners tonight, which im now regretting with the whole cat-feetus-with-one-eye-train-of-thought

now im ewwed out

IM A WOMAN!
BRING ON THE EROTIC CAKES!

a thousand plagues on roseville and their stupid stupid network!!!!!!!
isnt it just the luck that auc is down on the same weekend that i have to finish my freaking ancient assessment?

oh vandy...we hardly knew yee

so today was the very momentous but of course sad day in which we had to sit on vandy for the very last time
because on monday we were supposedly moving into the commonroom (apparently this is no longer true, but today was so sad that im sure none of us could do it again. also we already ate all the food)
anyway the party started at recess and we covered vandy in balloons and streamers and posters and a banner that read "Farewell Vandy" then proceeded to eat our way through about 6kg of food and sing half the Celene Dion album in our best voices :)
also there was a cake shaped like a vagina, in true vandy style, because we know theres no point in having a cake unless everyone else on the planet is insulted by it
so after finishing off the vagina cake in record time (despite Emmy's insinuation that we would be "eating pussy") the party continued on into lunch, where we ate another few kilos of food, sang Kiss Me and some more Celene, took photos, threw food at each other, laughed at the year tens, reminised about times on Vandy, lay on the ground and prentended to vomit everywhere, chased Emmy halfway round the school (sidebar: she did come, but only for like one second = im heartbroken), went crazy and tore up all the posters and balloons
and then finally it was time for our last exit from Vandy, which Ellen, Gemmy, Beff and I had intended to do in style, slowly, while singing "my heart will go on", until our plan was interrupted by a wasp the size of a small cat and we were forced to run screaming towards the locker room

so there
that was it
the last vandy ever
oh vandy...we hardly knew yee

Shower Thoughts #15

um
major breakthrough
...
is Emmy my stalker?