shower thoughts # 16

say INXS
now say INSX
...
dont they sound the same???

catherine and i argue again

so just now i was talking to my crazy sister, and she tells me that last night she had a dream that the whole of sydney harbour froze, and people could go iceskating on the harbour, and she and her friends got a boat and put a blade-thingie on the bottom of the boat and went 'ice-sailing'
..
well obviously that was the most retarded thing i have ever heard in my life, because well, who ever heard of ice-sailing, i mean come on, shut up
because obviously when she said to me 'and me and my friends put a blade on the bottom of a boat and went ice-sailing', i invisioned this retarded looking boat with one giant blade in the middle on the bottom, and well of course everyone knows that would be retarded because if the boat stopped moving for like one second, then it would tip over to the side
so when i told my dear sister this, she replied that yes, maybe the boat would tip over, but its not as if it would completely turn upside down because it would get stopped by the ice
..as if there is nothing wrong with what she just said
so then i said, i said catherine, i said, so what if the boat tips over to the side, how the hell is it supposed to get moving again? and she said, well the wind would push it of course
and im like
what the hell
you would have to like, prop the boat up with a stick on one side, and also make sure it didnt fall over to the other side, and wait until there was a strong enough gust of wind to make it start moving again, and the odds of that actually happening, or it happening and then actually working, are like a dillion to one
anyway, then she proceeded to explain that when she said the boat had a blade on the bottom of it, she actually meant that it had two blades on the bottom so that the boat could balance on the ice
and the following argument ensued:
me: well if thats what you meant, why didnt you just say that there were two blades?
catherine: i thought that you would just assume
me: why would i assume, if you said 'there is a blade on the bottom of the boat'. a blade. one. singular
catherine: yeah, but its like iceskating. you dont have one blade, you have two blades
me: thats because you have two feet
catherine: yeah but you dont iceskate on one foot
me: some people do
catherine: no they dont!
me: yes they do!
catherine: no they dont!
me: anyway even if you have two feet, you still only have one blade on each foot
catherine: so what?
me: so, the boot is like the boat. and you only have one blade on each boot, so you should only have one blade on each boat. unless you have two boats, there is no way you could have two blades, so you would only ever need one blade because its not as if people sail with one foot on each boat, they just have one boat. if they had two boots, they would have two blades. and the boot is like the boat. so if you had two boats, you would have two blades. but you dont. you only have one boat. so you only have one blade
catherine: (pause) yeah, but people dont iceskate on one foot
me: ARGHHH

anyway i feel like my point came off fairly well, and once again, catherine lost

attacked AGAIN

so anyway, today i was putting up the christmas tree, which is pretty much the highlight of my year since i always do it by myself coz the rest of my family are such buttbags that theyre always 'out' or 'busy' when it comes to putting up the christmas tree (like i care, they would just get in my way and mess the whole thing up anyway)
anyway what was i saying?
oh yeah so i was putting up the christmas tree, and i had just put all the tinsel on and turned around to get the box of decorations, and what was on the lid of the box?
WHAT WAS ON THE LID OF THE BOX?
...
ONLY LIKE THE MOST GIANT SPIDER IN THE HISTORY OF SPIDERS THAT ARE GIANT AND TRY TO ATTACK ME AND SUCCEED!
so anyway of course i screamed and then did that shudder thing you do when you want to die because there is a giant spider in front of you, then i hid under the chair for a while
anyway then i realised that a) my sister usually fights my spider battles for me, and b) my sister wasnt home and c) i was going to have to face this spider on my own
which was pretty crappy
so i ran around the room for a while, and the spider, which is so creepy, i swear it was like watching me, since every time i would run away from it, it would turn so that it was still staring at me
i mean
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ANYTHING SO CREEPY?
NO!
anyway then i went to get the insect spray from under the sink, and i started spraying this giant attacking death machine (from a distance - you can never be too safe) and i swear, it like, started REARING at me
like you know how they put their two front legs in the air and go like this:
RRRRRRROOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR??????
well it started doing that!!
and i had to sit there and watch it, and scream, and then watch it again
and i swear it was the most terrifying moment of my life
so there
all be grateful that im still here, writing this post, and not dead because i got attacked by a giant spider which attacked me
yeah
thats right

blogging (for beth)

well since myspace is on hiatus i decided to come look at my own blog since im lame and like to read my own comments (dont judge me - im only human) and i noticed that someone else is having a blog-craving; beth, whose blogs i have also been craving, so this ones for you bethy, but you have to blog for me also, since i cant live on my own blogs all the time
well maybe i could, if i got some split-personality and each of my personalities wrote blogs and then they could read each others
and hey, you could write about it for your major work
but that would be totally weird
but also kind of awesome...
anyway, today was tres fun, we went to gemmas and watched movies, like the infamous wrong turn, which was a first for some of us (jo and mai - the wrong turn virgins), but then it turned out that there was a bit of wrong turn that we were all virginious to - this extra footage at the end of the credits which i dont know about you guys, but ive never seen it before, anyway it was totally freaky and the freakish-laughing-all-the-time mutant was like half burnt and running around with a knife and screaming, needless to say we were all on the floor screaming, laughing and crying at the same time, somebody probably pissed their panties a little, im not sure

also we figured out that the hippy guy in wrong turn is, wait for it
wait for it
ELTON FROM CLUELESS
ohmigosh is that weird or wat
anyway yeah that was pretty funny, also was stealing the remote off mai when she was desperately trying to catch a glimpse of buffy on tv which she "hadnt seen for, like, a whole year", even though the rest of us saw no point really, since buffy is pretty much horse shit on tv, for example, this episode was about posessed hyenas which posess other people with their magical posessive eyes
yeah
pretty much
so there beth, that was it just for you baby
so blog back!!
love jac xox

so many thanks to ellen and jane for just making my day by showing me that feral feral picture of a cat feetus (however you spell it - im not a freaking scientist) with only one eye, truly, im living a better life due to that
not
im scarred for life
almost as scarred as i am by seeing that bit of Borat with the two naked guys wrestling with each other, and one of them is so fat that you cant even tell hes a guy, actually im pretty sure hes a woman
shes a woman
whatever
um also thanks to miss mitchell for also making my day by giving back my ancient assessment and then proceeding to tell me everything that i did wrong, especially in the opening paragraph of the third question, where my answer read (and i kid you not):
The Ramesside Period in Egypt began after the death of Ahken-Aten, which caused the cult of Aten to be abandoned. After this, features of Egypt which had been removed in the previous dynasty were restored, and the first pharaoh to rule over the new period in Egypt was (insert name here).
Yeah
so pretty much i suck
other than that my day was pretty average, and im now feeling like an absolute blob on account of the fact that i ate two dinners tonight, which im now regretting with the whole cat-feetus-with-one-eye-train-of-thought

now im ewwed out

IM A WOMAN!
BRING ON THE EROTIC CAKES!

a thousand plagues on roseville and their stupid stupid network!!!!!!!
isnt it just the luck that auc is down on the same weekend that i have to finish my freaking ancient assessment?

oh vandy...we hardly knew yee

so today was the very momentous but of course sad day in which we had to sit on vandy for the very last time
because on monday we were supposedly moving into the commonroom (apparently this is no longer true, but today was so sad that im sure none of us could do it again. also we already ate all the food)
anyway the party started at recess and we covered vandy in balloons and streamers and posters and a banner that read "Farewell Vandy" then proceeded to eat our way through about 6kg of food and sing half the Celene Dion album in our best voices :)
also there was a cake shaped like a vagina, in true vandy style, because we know theres no point in having a cake unless everyone else on the planet is insulted by it
so after finishing off the vagina cake in record time (despite Emmy's insinuation that we would be "eating pussy") the party continued on into lunch, where we ate another few kilos of food, sang Kiss Me and some more Celene, took photos, threw food at each other, laughed at the year tens, reminised about times on Vandy, lay on the ground and prentended to vomit everywhere, chased Emmy halfway round the school (sidebar: she did come, but only for like one second = im heartbroken), went crazy and tore up all the posters and balloons
and then finally it was time for our last exit from Vandy, which Ellen, Gemmy, Beff and I had intended to do in style, slowly, while singing "my heart will go on", until our plan was interrupted by a wasp the size of a small cat and we were forced to run screaming towards the locker room

so there
that was it
the last vandy ever
oh vandy...we hardly knew yee

Shower Thoughts #15

um
major breakthrough
...
is Emmy my stalker?

have i found my stalker?

so
had to walk home again this afternoon, which was the first time ive done so since the initial mauling of my leg because of my stalker, who we dont actually know the identity of
except that
we might maybe may know it now!

after that post i wrote about the stalker stalking me and causing me to maul my own leg, i got a comment from some guy named Jimi, who said that he randomly discovered my blog and now comes here and reads it every day
every day
no one reads my blog every day! even my alter-egos dont read my blog every day!
also, "Jimi" says that he thinks "im probably wrong about the stalker thing, but maybe not"
you know what this means dont you?
Jimi
is
my
stalker
and you know what else that means?
that means Jimi is probably reading this right now, and going either:
a) Finally she figured it out; or
b) I feel so violated

but still.
so
is this the end of the seemingly endless quest to find my stalker, or should the journey continue, until everyone in the world becomes so freaked out about me accusing them of stalking me that i retreat to that wood in Wrong Turn, or some equally isolated area?

um
i totally got a new toothbrush today
so excited about using it tonight
......
oh the tension

stalker update

ok
so
um
just a little update on the whole someone-is-stalking-and-or-trying-to-kill-me thing, so when julia and i were on the train on friday morning, this freaky grey-haired, black trench coat and cowboy hat wearing man suddenly loomed into the carriage and started staring at us in this really weird way, like, i dont know, he was trying to memorise our faces so he could find and maul us later
anyway after that we got so scared (escpecially after he started mumbling to himself) so we got off at roseville (by the way, so did he - total stalker) and ran all the way to school so we wouldnt end up dead.
but thats not all
oh no

that afternoon as it were, i had to walk home (yes, again), and as i was walking past that freakish wooded area (you guys know what im talking about), i realised some man
yeah
a man
some man, in a leather coat
yeah
a leather coat
some man in a leather coat was walking behind me
but was he just walking behind me? probably not. definitely not.
no. he was totally following me.
anyway i did what any smart person would do, and i started running
unfortunately i also did what any not smart, totally uncoordinated and unfortunate person would do, and that was to fall off my shoe, trip over it, fly through the air, and end up with half of my leg all mauled

which im sure was of great entertainment to my stalker, mr leathercoat, my sister, who laughed at me when i got home, emmy, who gave me that look she always gives me as if to say 'how did i end up with such a weird stalker?' and pretty much everyone else on the planet
but actually, it actually hurt
so shut up

ewan my love

OH
MY
GOSH
most giant breakthrough ever today, ever ever ever
well FIRST of all, this morning i found out that my friend knows ewan mcgregors nephew
as if that wasnt exciting enough, today at lunch, when we were talking about the horror i experienced on friday night when watching Cold Mountain and seeing the unexpected naked scene by Nicole Kidman, a conversation sparked about how Nicole Kidman has probably been naked in my house like a dillion times, on account of the fact that she used to live here, and how she probably walked around naked and watched tv naked and fed the cat naked and sat on the toilet naked
anyway
this last one sparked another random tangent, one about how on account of the fact that Nicole Kidman used to live in my house, she would have sat naked on the very same toilet that i have sat naked on (well, close to naked...naked from the waist down), which of course freaked me out to the point of insanity, until Julia realised that...
OHMIGOSH nicole kidmans naked-from-the-waist-down body has sat on the very same toilet as my naked-from-the-waist-down body
and you know what else nicole kidmans naked-from-the-waist-down body has done?
PRETTY MUCH HAD ONE ON ONE CONTACT WITH EWAN MCGREGORS PENIS
...
OHMIGOSH
OHMIGOSH
have i had sex with ewan mcgregor?
well it doesnt matter!
because this means that we are totally meant for each other, and will get married and have a dillion dillion babies called Mcgewan or Treajack
...
a dillion

stalked

so on the way home, i had to walk the whole way from the station, which totally sucked hairy balls, since it is like a dillion kilometres.
anyway
on my way home i have to walk past this bit near a golf course, and it is like a wood
seriously
a wood
i didnt even know woods actually existed apart from in movies like Frankenstein, but hey, apparently they do
and anyway, this just happens to be the same wood where that freak-o granny killer killed all those grannies like whenever, and i am totally NOT lying about this since i saw it once on this documentary on tv
so yeah
its true. so shut up
anyway when i walk past this bit of wood i always try to not look anywhere near it, since i figure, if some killer is hiding in there, and they see me walk past looking, and they think im looking at them, theyll think
why is she looking at me? she must be a detective! ill kill her!
and then theyll come me. so its safer not to look, because then i wont be a witness to their violent attacks.
the problem is, i swear, like everytime i walk past this wood, which, by the way, is on the side of a highway, which every car in the world drives down, suddenly ALL THE CARS DISSAPEAR, and im ALL ALONE, IN FRONT OF A WOOD, WHERE THE GRANNY KILLER KILLED PEOPLE, AND IS PROBABLY WAITING TO KILL ME TOO!
anyway
back to the story
today, when i was walking past the wood, all the cars dissapeared, as usual, and i succumbed to the temptation to look into the wood, and what did i see?
what did i see?
nothing
and then i looked a little bit harder, and what did i see?
a body bag
yeah, thats right
A FREAKING BODY BAG
and did that body bag have some mauled person in it?
PROBABLY
im just saying
and then i had to run the whole way home of course, because if i stayed there one second longer i probably would have ended up in a body bag aswell, and when i got home this is what happened:
mum: hi, how was your day?
jacki: oh it was fine
mum: thats good
jacki: except that i saw a BODYBAG!
mum: a body bag? where?
jacki: in the woods! i saw a bodybag in the woods!
mum: what woods? since when have you been anywhere near a wood? what are you on?

this is what i get
theyll be sorry when i end up in some wolf-creek wannabe movie

the old

so mean but so amusing, when we got on the train this afternoon there was this undeniable stench
it was so bad
so so bad
so julia goes
"it smells in here"
and i go
"yeah, smells like old"
and then we both turned at the same time to look dissaprovingly at this little old lady sitting in the corner
oh
oh
it was such a beautifully unchoreographed moment of hilarity

so last ever igssa gym today
lets have a moment of silence to commemorate the fact that we'll never again bludge our way through and entire years worth of gym..
ok
moment over

but seriously. how is it that we manage to get ourselves into the same situation every year?
however we do it, once we get over the initial grudge of having to actually show up/compete, the rest of the day is totally fun, pretty much us running around trying to find the questacon exhibition we found once in year eight and snuck into (i think illegally - shh!), watching hot hot hot jamie doing hot hot hot pushups with his hot hot hot body in the hot hot hot foam pit, chasing emmy around for several hours and getting her to admit that she loves us, pissing off whalley/beth/selig/osborne/emmy/every other person of authority in the entire sports centre, using the staff only entrances whenever possible, finding the infamous 'ice hallway', sneaking into a conference private box thingie at some hockey arena and almost accidentally-on-purpose interrupting their top secret conference thingie, paying out people for being able to do freaking stuff that we cant do, pretending that we're elite rythmic gymnasts and 'training' outside on the grass, sunbaking out the front of the sports centre, and finding/chasing/watching the huge collection of people that we have proceeded to stalk over the past few years at igssa

which all made up pretty much the best day ever, even though it was shadowed by the fact that i was wearing the worst pair of undies in the world.
seriously
i didnt know they made undies that could be saggy and high-cut at the same time
but im wearing the proof

so.
hilarious yesterday at the shore pd day, which actually turned out to be quite fun and not so awkward at all
apart from the whole thing with queenwood being there, and totally cramping the rosevillians style
but whatever
while the whole day was enjoyable ill just give you the highlights:

• catered recess, with actual caterers and home baked treats, not like roseville where theyd just crack open the Arnotts Family Pack Assorted, a bottle of red cordial, and shove us all in D03 or something
• chapel, with an actual chapel, not like roseville where we pretend our multi multi purpose hall with stained glass window is a chapel
• having speeches in actual auditoriums, not like at roseville where we have to stack our own chairs and leave
• sitting on the lawn, made of actual grass, not like at roseville where everything living dies as soon as we touch it, causing the school to cover every surface in either fake tennis court material crap or concrete
• looking at the harbour bridge, an actual view, not like at roseville where the only thing you see when you look out into the horizon is the crane sitting in the middle of the giant muddy hole that used to be our locker room
• having conversations, with actual boys, not like at roseville where the only male interaction we get is with mr obrien, who tells us of his adventures with the notorious "jemma", and;
• seeing food on the ground actually being picked up by someone and put into a bin, not like at roseville where you see food on the group being picked up by someone and eaten by them

msn virus lameheads

well first of all
shut up, all you people who invented that stupid stupid stupid msn virus, im coming to stab you since i got it like 10 dillion times and then everyone was like what the hell, whats with the msn virus, and i was like SHUT UP its not me, and then like everyone else got it and was like yeah it wasnt me, and im like shut up you said it was me when it wasnt me!
so shut up you whores!
and we should all storm the msn virus centre or wherever those lameheads that make up msn viruses live, and we can maul them
and i dont mean the sexual maul
i mean that bad kind of maul
and then theyll be sorry that they ever invented the stupid whorish lamish stupid Trojan horse BackDoor.Generic3.RTF or whatever its called
and then they wont be able to make ANY MORE stupid viruses because theyll be too busy getting mauled by me
and also they will have no arms and legs
because i have mauled them off
with my face
...
...
SERIOUSLY?! what is with these people? dont they have anything better to do than maul my computer and everyone elses computer practically in the world
i
am going
to stab their heads off
and then, oh yes, and then im going to make up a virus with my head and put it into their computers face and then theyll have to download some stupid virus program and scan their computer like ten dillion times and not be able to go on msn because people keep mauling them
yeah
thats right
those lameheads lames are going to be so sorry

also, i would like to acknowledge the fact that i love emmy
because i havent said so in a while

back to school

well
like a week ago i thought i would be ready to go back to school when the time came
you know
organised. well nourished. lots of sleep. full of energy
except that not, because as eveyrone knows im the least organised person on the planet, who never gets enough sleep, naps in english, and doesnt even know the meaning of the word "nourishment"
so
basically i thought even if i have no new folders or paper or pens, i havent read emma and i cant even remember how to do pythagoras, at least ill be able to keep myself awake in english if i have a good night sleep, except that somehow my sister convinced me to drink almost 2 litres of coke before i went to bed, equals instead of getting the beauty sleep i needed, i was up until 230 in the morning with her, dancing with the cat, jumping on the bed, and plotting ways to get back at the selig woman.
anyway finally catherine went to bed, trouble was that there was still some coke left, and i wasnt exactly thinking about the consequences, so 3 cups later, there i was, wrapped in a red blanket and hanging in catherines doorway singing about "johnny brown" i think it was.
so by the time i finally fell asleep, it was pretty much time to wake up anyway.
and go to school
bah!
seven weeks, and counting

attacked

well
again i have been brutally attacked by a spider that was trying to kill me because it is the destiny of every spider on the planet to attack me and kill me
because its like their job
spiders were put on this world to attack and kill jacki trew
spiders and maths teachers
anyway catherine, my hero, saved me from the killer spider which is now lying dead at the top of the stairs so i cant go downstairs because its blocking the path and theres no way i can jump over it because what if it comes back to life and jumps onto the back of my neck?
and then ill fall down the stairs and end up at the bottom.
And even if im not dead then, someone in my house will probably be like
a crazy person falling down the stairs!!!
and light me on fire or something, and then ill run out to the pool and jump in, to stop myself from being on fire.
But then even if i didnt die from being on fire then the shark that i think is hidden in the bottom of the pool will probably be released from its underpool cage and will eat half of my body off.
And even if im not dead then, ill probably be so disorientated from the blood loss that ill trip over my face and get impaled on my dads drill or something
And even if im not dead then, and someone comes to rescue me, it will probably be Ewan, because we are destined, and i will die from the sight of him because he is the sexiest man in existance.
And even if im not dead then, the spider will still be on the back of my neck and it will bite me with its face and i will be killed.
so, to sum up, all spiders are trying to kill me.