So for those of you who don't know - and I'm guessing that's pretty much everyone, seeings as I didn't exactly announce it - I had work experience at Insight 51 this week.
Oh yeah.
I put a link on Insight 51, so you can all go to the website and see how cool it is. Also because I wanted to show off my wicked linking skills. Anyway.
So I had work experience. I say had, because today was my last day.
And thank GOODNESS for that.
Alright, let me explain.
So when Michelle, the careers adviser at FBI (haha, careers adviser. Is anyone else having Vera Cranston flashbacks at the mere mention of those words? Because I am!) described what I was going to be doing all week, she made it sound fun. Like this:
"Oh, its going to be so much fun! They need you guys (that's me and Lucinda, also from FBI) to help put some gift bags together for the buyers. I think they need you to do some beading? So it'll be really fun, and easy, you just get to sit and bead, and chat. Fun! Easy! Super fun! Ohmigosh! THE MOST FUN YOU HAVE EVER HAD IN YOUR LIFE! Honestly, girls, I'm jealous that I don't get to come with you. That's how fun and easy it will be."
Aha.
Ahaha.
I am so sure.
NOT.
Ok, it was torture. Honestly, torture. For the first day, we did nothing - NOTHING - but thread beads onto string. For hours. And hours. Ok, we started at 10am, and finished at 5pm. We got 20 minutes for lunch. And the rest of the time, it was all about the beads.
And these were no ordinary beads, either. And no ordinary string - they were tiny beads. And it was tiny string.
TINY BEADS.
TINY STRING.
Do you know what that can do to a person?
I FELT LIKE I WAS TAKING CRAZY PILLS!
I mean, even more so than usual!!
What made it even more torturous was that we kept expecting it to end, but it didn't. Like, yeah, we knew we were supposed to be there from 10 til 5, but Michelle said they would probably let us go earlier than that. So everytime somebody came over to laugh at us - because, you know, if you're not the one doing it, the concept of beading for 7 straight hours is pretty laughable - we would wait for them to tell us we could leave.
But did they?
DID THEY?
No.
They didn't.
Ok, day two.
It started off well. We got there in the morning, and were informed that we would be working upstairs.
UPSTAIRS? To someone who had spent the previous day sitting in a tiny isolated office threading freaking beads onto freaking string for hours, this was the best possible news.
Upstairs meant up. Up, away from the office and the beads and the string and the hell that was the previous day.
So we're walking up the stairs, all jittery and excited over the process of not having to bead, we turn the corner, and what do we see?
WHAT DO WE SEE?
A table.
A HUGE table.
Covered in beads.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(That's what it sounded like on the inside of my head).
So, for the second day in a row, we beaded. For 7 hours, minus 20 minutes for lunch.
Today was the third day, the frost (thats a little John Marsden humour for you readers of the Tomorrow Series).
So for the first half of the day, guess what we did?
Guess.
Go on, guess.
Did you guess beading?
Yeah, you were right.
Ok, but after we came back from lunch, something exciting happened.
NO MORE BEADING!
That's right. No more beading, they told us. Now it was time for something completely different. Now it was time to tie the bead strings together at the ends, to form necklaces.
Yeah.
Right.
At this point, I was ready to kill somebody.
Ready and willing.
But I didn't, because the final episode of Prison Break in on in like 2 weeks, and if I went to jail for murder, I would probably miss it.
Ok, where was I?
Oh, right, making necklaces.
So you would think, wouldn't you, that after 2 and a half days of beading, doing something as simple as tying a knot would be a welcome break, right?
Right?
WRONG!
And I'll tell you why: BECAUSE TYING KNOTS IS A BITCH.
A bitch that just won't quit.
Because we couldn't just tie the two ends of the bead string together, and call it a day. No no. We had to tie a perfect knot, then snip the thread ends off, then burn the knot with a lighter until the string melted, and then use our fingers to squish the melted string knot into a "perfect bead-shaped ball."
Perfect bead-shaped ball.
PERFECT BEAD-SHAPED BALL?
Who says stuff like that?
So now all my fingers and one of my thumbs are all burnt from squishing super-heated string knots into perfect bead-shaped balls. And the other thumb is red and calussed from flipping the lighter on so many times.
Ok, so it was all shaping up to be a pretty bad experience.
UNTIL one of the designers from Insight came over to us and was all "I just want to thank you girls so much for helping out this week", and gave us a free top each.
FREE TOP!
FREE TOP!
And I looked at the price tag - $80!! Not too shabby, Insight 51.
Not too shabby at all.
Ok, so here is my conclusion: Work experience is just like watching Jaws. Remember what I said about Jaws a few posts back? Here's a little refresher:
Well, when you first think about it, it's awesome, then the more you think about it, it's not that great...then you think about it some more, and it becomes awesome again.
Yeah.
Work experience is just like that: You start off being misled into thinking it's going to be awesomely easy and fun. Then, after a day, you feel like you would rather put fish-hooks through your nipples and fly yourself off the Chrystler Building than do it again. Then you get given a free t-shirt, and all is right with the world again.
Huh.
Maybe its not like watching Jaws at all.
Well, whatever.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Sunday, May 03, 2009
A Bit Wrong, But Oh-So-Right: The Book
Just in case you can't get enough crazy over the internet, I just posted the introduction chapter to that book I wrote. Read it here.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
jackiiscrazy.blogspot.com stars on Prison Break
Oh, this just in: I'm completely obsessed with Prison Break.
And I know, I know, I've been doing at least 3 Prison-Break-related posts per week for the last month or so, even though nobody cares about Prison Break anymore except for me and Damo, but it's been cancelled, these are the last few episodes, and I'm in mourning, so you can all deal.
Ok.
Here's something to do with Prison Break that melts my little black heart: Michael and Sara are having a baby!
A baby!
A baby?!
A BABY!!
Oh my goodness, I don't think I've ever been so happy.
So, here is my suggestion to you, writers of Prison Break. Maybe you shouldn't cancel the show. Just, you know, keep it going for another season...or ten. Ok, so Sara will have the baby, she and Michael can get married, blah blah blah, and when the next season starts, you can make it set 19 years into the future, and I, Jacki Trew, will play the baby!
And it WON'T be creepy, despite what my sister says, because I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH MICHAEL, I'M IN LOVE WITH WENTWORTH.
Character versus Guy Who Plays Character.
It's totally different.
Anyway I don't know what the storyline will be. Maybe I'll end up jail, and Sara will have to bust in and break me out. Or something. You guys can work that part out - you're the writers!!!
And I know, I know, I've been doing at least 3 Prison-Break-related posts per week for the last month or so, even though nobody cares about Prison Break anymore except for me and Damo, but it's been cancelled, these are the last few episodes, and I'm in mourning, so you can all deal.
Ok.
Here's something to do with Prison Break that melts my little black heart: Michael and Sara are having a baby!
A baby!
A baby?!
A BABY!!
Oh my goodness, I don't think I've ever been so happy.
So, here is my suggestion to you, writers of Prison Break. Maybe you shouldn't cancel the show. Just, you know, keep it going for another season...or ten. Ok, so Sara will have the baby, she and Michael can get married, blah blah blah, and when the next season starts, you can make it set 19 years into the future, and I, Jacki Trew, will play the baby!
And it WON'T be creepy, despite what my sister says, because I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH MICHAEL, I'M IN LOVE WITH WENTWORTH.
Character versus Guy Who Plays Character.
It's totally different.
Anyway I don't know what the storyline will be. Maybe I'll end up jail, and Sara will have to bust in and break me out. Or something. You guys can work that part out - you're the writers!!!
A blanket with sleeves?! My life is changed forever
Ok so today was my last day of holidays.
And, being the amazingly conscientious student that I am, I spent the whole day studying and sketching and making notes and putting the finishing touches on my assessment and whatnot. You know.
I am just a teacher's orgasm, really.
Yeah, that was a lie. What actually happened was, I woke up at midday, then lay on the couch watching daytime TV for like 3 hours. And thank GOODNESS I did, because if I hadn't, then none of us would have experienced what I am about to show you:
Oh.
My gosh.
The Snuggie.
I mean, a blanket with sleeves?! My life is changed forever!
Really though, this is probably one of the most moronic things I have ever seen being sold in an infomercial. And I love daytime TV, so you know I see alot of moronic things being sold in infomercials.
First of all, I don't know about you guys, but if I'm cold, my hands are always the coldest part. And they say if you're cold, you should warm your head up first, right?? I love it how those are the only two body parts The Snuggie doesn't cover.
Also 'One Size Fits All'??? Um, no. Pause at 1 minute 4 seconds and look at the girl in the middle...still think it's One Size Fits All? I don't think so.
I don't get it.
I just don't get it.
Are these for people who are too lazy to take their hands out from under a blanket? Not to mention the fact that the woman is using the 'Free Booklight' with a lamp on in the background - if that's not lazy, I don't know what is.
Do the people who buy them want to look like warlocks? Because they do! WHY DON'T YOU JUST WEAR YOUR DRESSING GOWNS BACKWARDS, PEOPLE - IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING!!
Ok.
I think I'm done ranting now.
Oh, PS, you're all getting one for Christmas. Just let me know which colour you want.
And, being the amazingly conscientious student that I am, I spent the whole day studying and sketching and making notes and putting the finishing touches on my assessment and whatnot. You know.
I am just a teacher's orgasm, really.
Yeah, that was a lie. What actually happened was, I woke up at midday, then lay on the couch watching daytime TV for like 3 hours. And thank GOODNESS I did, because if I hadn't, then none of us would have experienced what I am about to show you:
Oh.
My gosh.
The Snuggie.
I mean, a blanket with sleeves?! My life is changed forever!
Really though, this is probably one of the most moronic things I have ever seen being sold in an infomercial. And I love daytime TV, so you know I see alot of moronic things being sold in infomercials.
First of all, I don't know about you guys, but if I'm cold, my hands are always the coldest part. And they say if you're cold, you should warm your head up first, right?? I love it how those are the only two body parts The Snuggie doesn't cover.
Also 'One Size Fits All'??? Um, no. Pause at 1 minute 4 seconds and look at the girl in the middle...still think it's One Size Fits All? I don't think so.
I don't get it.
I just don't get it.
Are these for people who are too lazy to take their hands out from under a blanket? Not to mention the fact that the woman is using the 'Free Booklight' with a lamp on in the background - if that's not lazy, I don't know what is.
Do the people who buy them want to look like warlocks? Because they do! WHY DON'T YOU JUST WEAR YOUR DRESSING GOWNS BACKWARDS, PEOPLE - IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING!!
Ok.
I think I'm done ranting now.
Oh, PS, you're all getting one for Christmas. Just let me know which colour you want.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
This is how much my parents love me:
Ok, so mum and dad got home from Queensland on monday, and I was totally excited, since it meant I got to play the role of youngest-daughter-brutally-injured-in-a-freak-running-slash-fence-jumping-incident-revealing-said-injury-to-parents-and-having-attention-lavished-on-her-for-days-and-day-and-days.
I mean, how often do I get to play that role? Yeah, I was excited. I was pumped!! Unfortunately for me, my parents weren't so eager to play along:
Me: Mum! Dad! I'm so glad you guys are home!! Look! Look! There's a big bandage on my arm!! Oh, it hurts too much! Oh, I think I might just need you to buy me some ice cream and fly Wentworth over from LA to kiss it better for me.
Mum: I hope you didn't use all the painkillers because I hurt my back and I need them more than you.
Dad: I bet that's just another tattoo.
Alright.
First of all. Haha. That painkillers thing was actually pretty funny. And second of all, Dad, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A TATTOO TO YOU????:
Haha. Well, maybe. A really really ugly one. But it isn't!
And yes, fellow Europe Travellers - that is a Spanish Steps Pub Crawl t-shirt you can see in the background.
I mean, how often do I get to play that role? Yeah, I was excited. I was pumped!! Unfortunately for me, my parents weren't so eager to play along:
Me: Mum! Dad! I'm so glad you guys are home!! Look! Look! There's a big bandage on my arm!! Oh, it hurts too much! Oh, I think I might just need you to buy me some ice cream and fly Wentworth over from LA to kiss it better for me.
Mum: I hope you didn't use all the painkillers because I hurt my back and I need them more than you.
Dad: I bet that's just another tattoo.
Alright.
First of all. Haha. That painkillers thing was actually pretty funny. And second of all, Dad, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A TATTOO TO YOU????:
Haha. Well, maybe. A really really ugly one. But it isn't!
And yes, fellow Europe Travellers - that is a Spanish Steps Pub Crawl t-shirt you can see in the background.
Dear Pussycat Dolls,
Right.
I have to ask: what's the dealio, yo? Are you guys a band, or what? And when I say 'band', what I really mean is 'heavily synthesized pop-group', but you get the picture. So? What's up? Because it seems like only one of you actually does the singing. And when I say 'singing', what I really mean is 'lip-syncing', but you get the picture.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Also, Jai-Ho? Did you really think you could pull that off?
NOBODY touches Slumdog Millionaire, ok?
Love Jacki
P.S What happened to the mannish red-head? I always liked her. Him? Her.
Right.
I have to ask: what's the dealio, yo? Are you guys a band, or what? And when I say 'band', what I really mean is 'heavily synthesized pop-group', but you get the picture. So? What's up? Because it seems like only one of you actually does the singing. And when I say 'singing', what I really mean is 'lip-syncing', but you get the picture.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Also, Jai-Ho? Did you really think you could pull that off?
NOBODY touches Slumdog Millionaire, ok?
Love Jacki
P.S What happened to the mannish red-head? I always liked her. Him? Her.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Rove's Final Five, Originally Intended For...Gretel Killeen
5. If you had to be a contestant on a reality TV show, which show would it be?
Have you ever seen that show Farmer Wants A Wife?. Well, I'd be on Wentworth Wants A Wife. Except it'd be a little different from the original. Like, it wouldn't be Wentworth and 12 other women, it'd just be Wentworth and Jacki. And there wouldn't be a farm. Or any challenges. Ok, basically its just me getting married to Wentworth and somebody filming. If that's not entertainment, I don't know what is.
4. Finish this sentence: If somebodies Logie Acceptance Speech goes too long, their punishment will be...
having to spend the remainder of the night conversing with this years host, Gretel Killeen.
3. Have you ever bought or sold anything on eBay?
Yes! I bought a phone once. Here's a little tip from me to you: DON'T EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EVER, LET ANYONE CONVINCE YOU IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO BUY A PHONE OFF EBAY.
Don't do it.
Just, don't do it.
2.What is the ring tone on your mobile phone?
Some song. What's it called? Oh, I don't know. This question sucks, I'm giving myself another one.
The REAL number 2. Number 2? Hahaha! Ok, back to business; question 2. Is Prison Break the best show ever or what?
Oh my gosh, it is. No, it really really is. Speaking of Prison Break, last night I had a dream that Wentworth got really drunk and yelled at me. Then I rode a motorbike around my primary school oval with Nicole Kidman and had lunch with Sarah Wayne Callies. Hmmm. My dreams always have famous people in them. Coincidence? I think not.
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Ok, I couldn't find the photo. Which is probably better for you, since it was just an old man sitting on a toilet. Outside. Talking on the phone. Oh, and he was naked.
What a legend.
Have you ever seen that show Farmer Wants A Wife?. Well, I'd be on Wentworth Wants A Wife. Except it'd be a little different from the original. Like, it wouldn't be Wentworth and 12 other women, it'd just be Wentworth and Jacki. And there wouldn't be a farm. Or any challenges. Ok, basically its just me getting married to Wentworth and somebody filming. If that's not entertainment, I don't know what is.
4. Finish this sentence: If somebodies Logie Acceptance Speech goes too long, their punishment will be...
having to spend the remainder of the night conversing with this years host, Gretel Killeen.
3. Have you ever bought or sold anything on eBay?
Yes! I bought a phone once. Here's a little tip from me to you: DON'T EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EVER, LET ANYONE CONVINCE YOU IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO BUY A PHONE OFF EBAY.
Don't do it.
Just, don't do it.
2.What is the ring tone on your mobile phone?
Some song. What's it called? Oh, I don't know. This question sucks, I'm giving myself another one.
The REAL number 2. Number 2? Hahaha! Ok, back to business; question 2. Is Prison Break the best show ever or what?
Oh my gosh, it is. No, it really really is. Speaking of Prison Break, last night I had a dream that Wentworth got really drunk and yelled at me. Then I rode a motorbike around my primary school oval with Nicole Kidman and had lunch with Sarah Wayne Callies. Hmmm. My dreams always have famous people in them. Coincidence? I think not.
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Ok, I couldn't find the photo. Which is probably better for you, since it was just an old man sitting on a toilet. Outside. Talking on the phone. Oh, and he was naked.
What a legend.
Friday, April 24, 2009
jackiiscrazy.blogspot.com goes to hospital
Ok, so here's a twist for your reading pleasure: last night something ACTUALLY interesting enough to blog about happened to me.
I feel like I should mention though, that I was home alone. Like, totally alone, since my parents abandoned me to go dragonboating in Queensland, and my sister was working as an overnight deckhand on some cruise ship.
Trust.
The most exciting thing to happen to me since, well, birth, or maybe that time I met Andrew G, and NOBODY is there to see it. Well, except my pets. And the neighbours. Both of whom looked fairly traumatised last night when I walked through the door covered in blood.
OH my goodness that was so dramatic, it makes me even more excited to tell this story.
Ok, ok. Here goes.
So I got home at like 8.30 last night, and decided to go for a run.
I know. This story is already crazy.
Me? Me, Jacki? Jacki Trew? Jacki Trew, going for a run?
This does not compute.
But let me explain. Ok, remember when I said my parents aren't home because they abandoned me to go dragonboating in Queensland? Yeah, so my mum has become obsessed with dragonboating, which is kind of like rowing, only better, because the boats look like dragons, and you get to wear pink. She started doing it after she found out Julia's parents do it, probably because they are pretty hip and now, as far as parents go, and she just wants to be them.
Ha.
Anyway, since mum started dragonboating - or DBing, as I shall now refer to it - she's gone on this total fitness kick. I mean it. Like, she goes to the gym and everything. I feel so guilty. My own mother is in better shape than me! I'm 18! She's 200!
Alright this part of the story is kind of boring. Long story short, mum = fit, jacki = lazy bum.
And that's why I went for a run.
Ok, so now I'm running, and everythings great, everythings fine - you know, except for the fact that I hate running - and then I had this brilliant idea to jump the fence into Kingsford Smith oval, and do some laps.
And that's when things started to get interesting.
So, here are 3 things you should know:
Alright, in case you cant: I got up the fence ok (probably because its only like 4 feet high), but I didn't notice the bit of wire poking out on the other side, until it tore the back of my arm open on the way down.
Wow this post is getting long. Here's a short intermission:
Haha.
I love that video.
Ok, intermission over.
So, by the time I got myself home, called my parents, bled all over the kitchen floor, messaged Julia, bled all over my shirt, ran over to my neighbours house, bled all over cat, bled all over the bathroom sink, bled all over the laundry, bled all over the blankets in the lounge room (why did I keep moving from room to room? Wouldn't it make more sense to isolate the blood-spillage to just one area of the house? Oh, right, I'm an idiot. Well, whatever.), and got to the hospital, it was like 10pm.
Oh! Oh! I forgot to tell you one of my favourite parts of the story: my call to Emergency. You see, because even though there was alot of blood, and alot of blood usually warrants a trip to the hospital, I wasn't really sure what to do at first. I mean, I'm not exactly experienced with this kind of thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty accident-prone. Remember last week, when I almost broke my hand by accidentally dropping a sewing machine on it? But still. So this is what it sounds like when Jacki Trew calls emergency:
Operator: Triple Zero, whats your emergency?
Jacki: Hi, ummm, you don't need to send an ambulance but I've just, ummm...cut myself on a fence. Badly. Well, I think it's badly. I'm not sure. There's alot of blood. It's on my shirt. Actually its not my shirt, it's my sisters shirt. Crap! I got blood on my sister's shirt! She's going to kill me! I'm Jacki by the way
Man I hope they recorded that.
Alright, so when I got to the hospital, I had to sit in the Emergency waiting room for like 2 hours. Here is my favourite thing about the Emergency waiting room: There's a sign on the fire hydrant that says Do not put chairs or beds in front of fire hydrant, and there's a chair in front of it. And a bed.
Ha.
Also they had a TV, and Heroes was on, so I got to perve on that kid that played Jess on Gilmore Girls. Then some doctors came and saw me. They looked at my arm, asked me what happened, laughed, noticed the bruises on my hand, asked me how I got them, and laughed again. Really, there is nothing like seeing the reaction of 4 doctors when you tell them you accidentally dropped a sewing machine on yourself. I'm going to be telling that story for years.
Anyway, 2 nurses, 4 doctors, a very painful tetanus shot, 7 stitches, 3 hours of sleep and 1 vending-machine sandwich smuggled in by the most convincing McDreamy look-alike I've ever seen, and here we are.
Oh, wait!
I forgot to talk about how I totally embarrassed myself by fainting!
Yeah, I fainted. Oh my gosh, I fainted.
What.
A pussy.
You know, most people only faint when something really bad happens. Like, if they get hit by a bus. Or castrated. And they don't faint, they pass out.
I don't pass out. I faint.
And it's never after something really bad, which makes me look like a total dick.
Times Jacki Trew has fainted and looked like a total dick:
I was sitting in a chair, getting jabbed like 8000 times with a needle. I think it was local anasthetic or something. I'm not sure - at that point, I was too busy trying to figure how I could wrangle a free pair of North Shore Hospital Emergency Staff scrubs. So sue me, they look comfortable!! Anyway, the doctor kept asking if I was ok to sit up while I was being stitched, which I totally was.
I mean, come on.
I don't need to lay down, just for stitches. I'm so hardcore!! I rode a motorbike once! I've got tattoos!
Yeah.
That's a lie.
I mean, I did ride the motorbike, but someone else was driving. I just sat on the back.
And yeah I have tattoos, but come on - I almost fainted getting those too!
So it turns out, I'm not so hardcore. I did need to lay down for stitches.
Here's how I found out:
Doctor: Are you going to faint?
Jacki: Dude, I'm totally fine (faints)
Doctor: Sigh
So then - one of the nurses later informed me - my doctor was all 'Um, HELP?', like 10 people ran in, they picked me up, put me on a bed, and there was lots of yelling and rushing around. It was all very Grey's Anatomy by the sounds of it. Only without the relationship dramas and backlighting. When I woke up, I was flat on my back with an oxygen mask over my face. You could tell my doctor was totally jazzed about the oxygen mask thing. I hadn't stopped talking about Prison Break/my undying love for Wentworth Miller since the tetanus shot, and he probably thought having a mask over my mouth would shut me up for at least five minutes.
Well, it didn't:
Doctor: Ok, I'm about the put the first stitch in. It shouldn't hurt too badly, tell me if you can -
Jacki: I saw this episode of Prison Break once, where Sara jumped out a window to escape assassination, landed on a car windshield and then had to stitch herself up in a public bathroom with a sewing kit. Oh my gosh! Can you imagine how much that would suck?
Doctor: Um...What?
Well, thats pretty much the end of the story. It wasn't too bad - plus now I'm going to have this totally cool Sara-Tancredi-from-Prison-Break-esqe scar to rival Catherine's from the time when she broke her ankle and had to get all those screws put in.
The only downside is that my arm-modelling career is now officially over.
Whatever.
Arm-modelling is a dying art anyway.
I feel like I should mention though, that I was home alone. Like, totally alone, since my parents abandoned me to go dragonboating in Queensland, and my sister was working as an overnight deckhand on some cruise ship.
Trust.
The most exciting thing to happen to me since, well, birth, or maybe that time I met Andrew G, and NOBODY is there to see it. Well, except my pets. And the neighbours. Both of whom looked fairly traumatised last night when I walked through the door covered in blood.
OH my goodness that was so dramatic, it makes me even more excited to tell this story.
Ok, ok. Here goes.
So I got home at like 8.30 last night, and decided to go for a run.
I know. This story is already crazy.
Me? Me, Jacki? Jacki Trew? Jacki Trew, going for a run?
This does not compute.
But let me explain. Ok, remember when I said my parents aren't home because they abandoned me to go dragonboating in Queensland? Yeah, so my mum has become obsessed with dragonboating, which is kind of like rowing, only better, because the boats look like dragons, and you get to wear pink. She started doing it after she found out Julia's parents do it, probably because they are pretty hip and now, as far as parents go, and she just wants to be them.
Ha.
Anyway, since mum started dragonboating - or DBing, as I shall now refer to it - she's gone on this total fitness kick. I mean it. Like, she goes to the gym and everything. I feel so guilty. My own mother is in better shape than me! I'm 18! She's 200!
Alright this part of the story is kind of boring. Long story short, mum = fit, jacki = lazy bum.
And that's why I went for a run.
Ok, so now I'm running, and everythings great, everythings fine - you know, except for the fact that I hate running - and then I had this brilliant idea to jump the fence into Kingsford Smith oval, and do some laps.
And that's when things started to get interesting.
So, here are 3 things you should know:
- The fence is made out of wire
- The fence is old. Its old. I mean it. Old. Old as Moses. So, in some areas, the wire is broken and sticking out all over the place
- I'm an idiot
Alright, in case you cant: I got up the fence ok (probably because its only like 4 feet high), but I didn't notice the bit of wire poking out on the other side, until it tore the back of my arm open on the way down.
Wow this post is getting long. Here's a short intermission:
Haha.
I love that video.
Ok, intermission over.
So, by the time I got myself home, called my parents, bled all over the kitchen floor, messaged Julia, bled all over my shirt, ran over to my neighbours house, bled all over cat, bled all over the bathroom sink, bled all over the laundry, bled all over the blankets in the lounge room (why did I keep moving from room to room? Wouldn't it make more sense to isolate the blood-spillage to just one area of the house? Oh, right, I'm an idiot. Well, whatever.), and got to the hospital, it was like 10pm.
Oh! Oh! I forgot to tell you one of my favourite parts of the story: my call to Emergency. You see, because even though there was alot of blood, and alot of blood usually warrants a trip to the hospital, I wasn't really sure what to do at first. I mean, I'm not exactly experienced with this kind of thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty accident-prone. Remember last week, when I almost broke my hand by accidentally dropping a sewing machine on it? But still. So this is what it sounds like when Jacki Trew calls emergency:
Operator: Triple Zero, whats your emergency?
Jacki: Hi, ummm, you don't need to send an ambulance but I've just, ummm...cut myself on a fence. Badly. Well, I think it's badly. I'm not sure. There's alot of blood. It's on my shirt. Actually its not my shirt, it's my sisters shirt. Crap! I got blood on my sister's shirt! She's going to kill me! I'm Jacki by the way
Man I hope they recorded that.
Alright, so when I got to the hospital, I had to sit in the Emergency waiting room for like 2 hours. Here is my favourite thing about the Emergency waiting room: There's a sign on the fire hydrant that says Do not put chairs or beds in front of fire hydrant, and there's a chair in front of it. And a bed.
Ha.
Also they had a TV, and Heroes was on, so I got to perve on that kid that played Jess on Gilmore Girls. Then some doctors came and saw me. They looked at my arm, asked me what happened, laughed, noticed the bruises on my hand, asked me how I got them, and laughed again. Really, there is nothing like seeing the reaction of 4 doctors when you tell them you accidentally dropped a sewing machine on yourself. I'm going to be telling that story for years.
Anyway, 2 nurses, 4 doctors, a very painful tetanus shot, 7 stitches, 3 hours of sleep and 1 vending-machine sandwich smuggled in by the most convincing McDreamy look-alike I've ever seen, and here we are.
Oh, wait!
I forgot to talk about how I totally embarrassed myself by fainting!
Yeah, I fainted. Oh my gosh, I fainted.
What.
A pussy.
You know, most people only faint when something really bad happens. Like, if they get hit by a bus. Or castrated. And they don't faint, they pass out.
I don't pass out. I faint.
And it's never after something really bad, which makes me look like a total dick.
Times Jacki Trew has fainted and looked like a total dick:
- When I was like 9, and I had to get blood taken for an allergy test, and when I fainted I fell off a chair
- When I was like 10, and I went to this air show with my friend Megan and her parents, and we were walking around the inside of a Hercules airplane, and when I fainted I fell out of the emergency exit
- When I was like 12, just randomly, in the middle of my violin lesson, and when I fainted I landed on my teachers music stand and broke it
- When I was like 15 and I had a really bad fever, and when I fainted I was in the bathroom, so nobody noticed
- When I was like 18 and I was getting my second tattoo, and ok, I didn't actually faint, but it was pretty close, and I looked like a total wimp in front of all these hardcore tattoo artists
I was sitting in a chair, getting jabbed like 8000 times with a needle. I think it was local anasthetic or something. I'm not sure - at that point, I was too busy trying to figure how I could wrangle a free pair of North Shore Hospital Emergency Staff scrubs. So sue me, they look comfortable!! Anyway, the doctor kept asking if I was ok to sit up while I was being stitched, which I totally was.
I mean, come on.
I don't need to lay down, just for stitches. I'm so hardcore!! I rode a motorbike once! I've got tattoos!
Yeah.
That's a lie.
I mean, I did ride the motorbike, but someone else was driving. I just sat on the back.
And yeah I have tattoos, but come on - I almost fainted getting those too!
So it turns out, I'm not so hardcore. I did need to lay down for stitches.
Here's how I found out:
Doctor: Are you going to faint?
Jacki: Dude, I'm totally fine (faints)
Doctor: Sigh
So then - one of the nurses later informed me - my doctor was all 'Um, HELP?', like 10 people ran in, they picked me up, put me on a bed, and there was lots of yelling and rushing around. It was all very Grey's Anatomy by the sounds of it. Only without the relationship dramas and backlighting. When I woke up, I was flat on my back with an oxygen mask over my face. You could tell my doctor was totally jazzed about the oxygen mask thing. I hadn't stopped talking about Prison Break/my undying love for Wentworth Miller since the tetanus shot, and he probably thought having a mask over my mouth would shut me up for at least five minutes.
Well, it didn't:
Doctor: Ok, I'm about the put the first stitch in. It shouldn't hurt too badly, tell me if you can -
Jacki: I saw this episode of Prison Break once, where Sara jumped out a window to escape assassination, landed on a car windshield and then had to stitch herself up in a public bathroom with a sewing kit. Oh my gosh! Can you imagine how much that would suck?
Doctor: Um...What?
Well, thats pretty much the end of the story. It wasn't too bad - plus now I'm going to have this totally cool Sara-Tancredi-from-Prison-Break-esqe scar to rival Catherine's from the time when she broke her ankle and had to get all those screws put in.
The only downside is that my arm-modelling career is now officially over.
Whatever.
Arm-modelling is a dying art anyway.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
My own Final Five (why doesnt own have a capital o? I have no idea)
So.
Because you blog-readers are all so dedicated to me, I'm sure you noticed the fact that I missed Rove's latest Final Five, Originally Intended for Ronan Keating.
Did you all notice?
You noticed.
Well, anyway, it wasn't really about me missing it - I mean, I saw the show - I just felt like Rove's questions weren't up to par this week. You know. Since my blog is obviously about quality.
HA!
Ok, truth? I couldn't think of any witty answers. Ronan Keating just stole them all! That bit about growing a second penis on his forearm?? Genius!!!
So anyway, I know its been like 3 days, but I still feel bad for depriving you all, so here is me answering my own Final Five - that is, five questions I randomly came up with 2 seconds ago. Enjoy.
5. What is your favourite thing about yourself?
My middle name. I love it. I love it. And not JUST because its the name of Wentworth's on-screen girlfriend in Prison Break. I wish it was my real name. Well, that, or Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock.
4. When was the last time you got in a fight?
My sister and I 'fight' all the time. Only I don't think that really counts, because if people witnessed it, they wouldn't say "Hey, look, Jacki and Catherine are fighting!", they'd say "Hey, look, Jacki is getting beaten up!". What can I say, I'm really not much of a fighter. I don't get into fights. Oh, except for last week, when I got into a fight with a 40kg sewing machine. Whatever. Inanimate objects don't count either.
3. Ronan Keating was on Rove this week, but you didn't blog about his Final Five. Discuss.
Ok, don't get me wrong, it's not about me hating Ronan Keating. Because I don't. I don't. I love Ronan Keating. I am all about Ronan Keating. Mostly because I recently realised he's totally the Celebrity Doppelganger (oh, yeah, I'm still talking about that) of my sisters friend Daniel. Also because he comes up with lyrics like I love it when we kiss and we hug, and you're cuter than a bug in a rug.
2. Do you really hate wedding cakes?
I do. I really do. I hate them so much. They're so gross! They're always the same, fruit cake covered with that disgusting thick white icing. First of all, fruit cake? Fruit cake. Fruit cake? Wow, the more you type fruit, the more it looks like a typo. Anyway, fruit cake? Isn't that an oxymoron? Plus the icing tastes like cement. I'm going to have a mint chocolate chip icecream cake at my wedding. Julia thinks its totally tacky, but who doesn't love mint chocolate chip icecream? Huh? Who? Name one person, I dare you. Plus its Wentworth's favourite flavour of icecream too, so I know he'll be cool with it.
And finally...
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
I don't even have to answer this one. You all already know.
Because you blog-readers are all so dedicated to me, I'm sure you noticed the fact that I missed Rove's latest Final Five, Originally Intended for Ronan Keating.
Did you all notice?
You noticed.
Well, anyway, it wasn't really about me missing it - I mean, I saw the show - I just felt like Rove's questions weren't up to par this week. You know. Since my blog is obviously about quality.
HA!
Ok, truth? I couldn't think of any witty answers. Ronan Keating just stole them all! That bit about growing a second penis on his forearm?? Genius!!!
So anyway, I know its been like 3 days, but I still feel bad for depriving you all, so here is me answering my own Final Five - that is, five questions I randomly came up with 2 seconds ago. Enjoy.
5. What is your favourite thing about yourself?
My middle name. I love it. I love it. And not JUST because its the name of Wentworth's on-screen girlfriend in Prison Break. I wish it was my real name. Well, that, or Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock.
4. When was the last time you got in a fight?
My sister and I 'fight' all the time. Only I don't think that really counts, because if people witnessed it, they wouldn't say "Hey, look, Jacki and Catherine are fighting!", they'd say "Hey, look, Jacki is getting beaten up!". What can I say, I'm really not much of a fighter. I don't get into fights. Oh, except for last week, when I got into a fight with a 40kg sewing machine. Whatever. Inanimate objects don't count either.
3. Ronan Keating was on Rove this week, but you didn't blog about his Final Five. Discuss.
Ok, don't get me wrong, it's not about me hating Ronan Keating. Because I don't. I don't. I love Ronan Keating. I am all about Ronan Keating. Mostly because I recently realised he's totally the Celebrity Doppelganger (oh, yeah, I'm still talking about that) of my sisters friend Daniel. Also because he comes up with lyrics like I love it when we kiss and we hug, and you're cuter than a bug in a rug.
2. Do you really hate wedding cakes?
I do. I really do. I hate them so much. They're so gross! They're always the same, fruit cake covered with that disgusting thick white icing. First of all, fruit cake? Fruit cake. Fruit cake? Wow, the more you type fruit, the more it looks like a typo. Anyway, fruit cake? Isn't that an oxymoron? Plus the icing tastes like cement. I'm going to have a mint chocolate chip icecream cake at my wedding. Julia thinks its totally tacky, but who doesn't love mint chocolate chip icecream? Huh? Who? Name one person, I dare you. Plus its Wentworth's favourite flavour of icecream too, so I know he'll be cool with it.
And finally...
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
I don't even have to answer this one. You all already know.
Monday, April 20, 2009
I'm FLIPPING OUT!!!
And I'll tell you why:
My toothbrush, which is pink and awesome and vibrates (haha, dirty) is RUNNING OUT OF BATTERY.
So now, it hardly vibrates at all.
It sucks. It SUCKS!! What's the point in having a vibrating toothbrush if it doesn't VIBRATE?
Haha. This sounds dirty I know, so let me tell you, I like the vibrating sensation IN MY MOUTH!! Because it aids in the cleaning of my teeth.
That's the only reason I like it.
The vibrating, I mean.
Geez, is there another word for vibrating? I feel like I've typed it a dillion times already.
Anyway so you're probably thinking "You idiot, if your toothbrush is running out of battery, why don't you quit blogging about it, drive up to Coles, and buy some new batteries? And stop whining like a little bitch!!"
WELL I'LL JUST TELL YOU WHY I DON'T!!!
Ok let me explain the weird battery family issue.
My family is LOUSY with batteries. I mean it. We NEVER have batteries. And we never buy any, because we're all disgusting lazy slobs.
Like, ok, in the upstairs lounge room we have 3 remotes: one for the TV, one for the foxtel, and one for the DVD player.
The TV remote takes AAA's, and the other two both take AA's.
So. One day, the DVD remote batteries ran out. And INSTEAD of doing the normal thing, and running out to buy some new batteries, we decide to just use the batteries from the foxtel remote. So now we can use the DVD remote. And when we need to use the foxtel remote again, we'll just switch them back.
It'll be fine.
It wont be annoying.
It wont be that long until someone buys some new batteries.
Hahaha, NO!
Remember the beginning of the story? "One day, the DVD remote batteries ran out..."
One day?
ONE DAY?
THAT DAY WAS LIKE 2 YEARS AGO!!
I've been switching batteries between the remotes EVERY TIME I NEED TO USE THE DVD PLAYER FOR 2 YEARS!!
No wonder I'm crazy.
I'm not just crazy - I'M FLIPPING OUT!!
Speaking of flipping out, have you guys ever watched that TV show, Flipping Out?
It's awesome.
It's about this guy who buys crappy houses, does them up all nice and fancy, and then sells them for heaps of money. He 'flips' houses. He's 'flipping out'.
Get it?
Anyway I don't know what the guys name is, but he's totally crazy. Like, really psycho. This is my favourite line from the show:
Guy: Do I hear kids? Screaming kids? Are we near a school? The selling price just went down 50 grand.
Hahaha. I love it.
Well done, crazy guy from Flipping Out.
If you a reading this, which, lets face it, we all know you are.
Well done.
My toothbrush, which is pink and awesome and vibrates (haha, dirty) is RUNNING OUT OF BATTERY.
So now, it hardly vibrates at all.
It sucks. It SUCKS!! What's the point in having a vibrating toothbrush if it doesn't VIBRATE?
Haha. This sounds dirty I know, so let me tell you, I like the vibrating sensation IN MY MOUTH!! Because it aids in the cleaning of my teeth.
That's the only reason I like it.
The vibrating, I mean.
Geez, is there another word for vibrating? I feel like I've typed it a dillion times already.
Anyway so you're probably thinking "You idiot, if your toothbrush is running out of battery, why don't you quit blogging about it, drive up to Coles, and buy some new batteries? And stop whining like a little bitch!!"
WELL I'LL JUST TELL YOU WHY I DON'T!!!
- Because, on account of my laziness, I'm still on my L's, so I would have to find someone on their full license to accompany me, and there is no way that's going to happen because its almost 11pm, and;
- Because I LIKE blogging, and;
- Because my family has this weird thing with batteries
Ok let me explain the weird battery family issue.
My family is LOUSY with batteries. I mean it. We NEVER have batteries. And we never buy any, because we're all disgusting lazy slobs.
Like, ok, in the upstairs lounge room we have 3 remotes: one for the TV, one for the foxtel, and one for the DVD player.
The TV remote takes AAA's, and the other two both take AA's.
So. One day, the DVD remote batteries ran out. And INSTEAD of doing the normal thing, and running out to buy some new batteries, we decide to just use the batteries from the foxtel remote. So now we can use the DVD remote. And when we need to use the foxtel remote again, we'll just switch them back.
It'll be fine.
It wont be annoying.
It wont be that long until someone buys some new batteries.
Hahaha, NO!
Remember the beginning of the story? "One day, the DVD remote batteries ran out..."
One day?
ONE DAY?
THAT DAY WAS LIKE 2 YEARS AGO!!
I've been switching batteries between the remotes EVERY TIME I NEED TO USE THE DVD PLAYER FOR 2 YEARS!!
No wonder I'm crazy.
I'm not just crazy - I'M FLIPPING OUT!!
Speaking of flipping out, have you guys ever watched that TV show, Flipping Out?
It's awesome.
It's about this guy who buys crappy houses, does them up all nice and fancy, and then sells them for heaps of money. He 'flips' houses. He's 'flipping out'.
Get it?
Anyway I don't know what the guys name is, but he's totally crazy. Like, really psycho. This is my favourite line from the show:
Guy: Do I hear kids? Screaming kids? Are we near a school? The selling price just went down 50 grand.
Hahaha. I love it.
Well done, crazy guy from Flipping Out.
If you a reading this, which, lets face it, we all know you are.
Well done.
So thankyou, Steven Spielberg
Man, its freaking cold right now!! What happened to warm weather? Huh? What happened to it? That is my question to you. WHAT HAPPENED to warm weather?
...
You don't have to answer that.
Ok, so I just watched Jaws. And, umm, when I say "I just watched Jaws", what I really mean is "I watched Jaws a couple of days ago and couldn't be bothered to blog about it until now". But whatever.
I'm guessing most of you have seen Jaws. I mean, its pretty famous, right? Pretty well-known? Lets be frank, who hasn't seen Jaws? Am I right? I'm right.
Right?
WRONG!
Because I know one person who hasn't seen it - ME!
Until the other day, that is.
Wow I just realised how ridiculous I sound. Well, whatever.
Anyway I have to say, Jaws is probably one of the best movies I've ever seen. Ever. Maybe not THE best, but top 20 for sure. Alright maybe not top 20. Top 50.
Well...maybe top 100.
Ok you know what, it's actually not that good. But it is pretty hilarious. I love the shark. I love it so much. It's so fake, there's no scare factor. No, in fact, its the opposite of scary. It's kind of...cute. I felt like, for half the movie, all I wanted to do was give it a cuddle.
In conclusion, Jaws...well, when you first think about it, it's awesome, then the more you think about it, it's not that great...then you think about it some more, and it becomes awesome again.
So thanks, Steven Spielberg. And give me a call some time.
...
You don't have to answer that.
Ok, so I just watched Jaws. And, umm, when I say "I just watched Jaws", what I really mean is "I watched Jaws a couple of days ago and couldn't be bothered to blog about it until now". But whatever.
I'm guessing most of you have seen Jaws. I mean, its pretty famous, right? Pretty well-known? Lets be frank, who hasn't seen Jaws? Am I right? I'm right.
Right?
WRONG!
Because I know one person who hasn't seen it - ME!
Until the other day, that is.
Wow I just realised how ridiculous I sound. Well, whatever.
Anyway I have to say, Jaws is probably one of the best movies I've ever seen. Ever. Maybe not THE best, but top 20 for sure. Alright maybe not top 20. Top 50.
Well...maybe top 100.
Ok you know what, it's actually not that good. But it is pretty hilarious. I love the shark. I love it so much. It's so fake, there's no scare factor. No, in fact, its the opposite of scary. It's kind of...cute. I felt like, for half the movie, all I wanted to do was give it a cuddle.
In conclusion, Jaws...well, when you first think about it, it's awesome, then the more you think about it, it's not that great...then you think about it some more, and it becomes awesome again.
So thanks, Steven Spielberg. And give me a call some time.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Prison Break, fabric shopping and how I broke my hand
Ok, so here's something you won't care about unless you're Damo Hanigan:
PRISON BREAK IS BACK!
It's back baby, and it's got back. At least, Wentworth does. That probably didn't make sense. Whatever.
Anyway, I can't say how good it feels to watch a fresh episode of Prison Break again. Even if its the fifth last episode of the season - AND EVER!!
Oh, yeah - some idiot cancelled Prison Break. So there are only (not counting today's episode) four episodes left. You all know what that means; expect a tearful phone call from me in about a month.
Weird.
Blogger spells cancelled with only one L. Hmm.
Anyway, this episode had pretty much everything, as most Prison Break episodes do. I swear, its like watching all three Mission Impossible movies on fast-forward. There was back-stabbing, murder, explosions, sexual tension, pizza...my only complaint is that Michael and Sara didn't make out at all, but that doesn't bother me so much anymore since I bought every episode on DVD - now I can skip to all the makeout scenes and play them in slow-mo whenever I want. Suck it, bitches.
Ok so the other day I decided I should really get a move on all the holiday assessments I got from college. Ha, alright, when I said assessmentS, I was lying. Its assessmenT. As in, there is only one. But everyone already hates me for having four weeks of holidays - I was only trying to downplay the awesomness that is my school. I guess that failed. Oh well. Anyway for part of the project, I have to go and collect 20 different fabric samples. So the other day I coerced Catherine into driving me to Spotlight and helping me pick some out. Haha. I love coercing Catherine into doing things - and not just because I love saying the word coercing.
Basically, this was how the Spotlight expedition went down:
Ha. Check out my paint skills.
Anyway, it was totally fun. I ran around picking out like a dillion roles of fabric, and then I made Catherine carry them all. And yes - because I know you're all wondering - yes, people stared. Some pointed.
One laughed.
I love it.
On a completely unrelated note, I think its possible that I may have broken my hand. Let me explain; yesterday I decided to make a pencil case. I got the sewing machine out of the cupboard, and when I went to put it on the table, I wasn't watching, so it fell over sideways, and landed on my hand.
This might not have been so bad, if we owned one of those new-fangled sewing machines made out of plastic. But no. Our sewing machine is old. So old. So very old. I'm pretty sure its the same sewing machine they used to make Marie Antoinette's wedding dress. And I don't know what its made out of, but...well, it sure isn't plastic. My whole hand is purple. And swollen - really swollen. It looks like an inflated dishwashing glove.
So now I have a rubber-glove-hand, an assessment to finish, and no pencil case.
Oh well. At least I have Prison Break!!!
PRISON BREAK IS BACK!
It's back baby, and it's got back. At least, Wentworth does. That probably didn't make sense. Whatever.
Anyway, I can't say how good it feels to watch a fresh episode of Prison Break again. Even if its the fifth last episode of the season - AND EVER!!
Oh, yeah - some idiot cancelled Prison Break. So there are only (not counting today's episode) four episodes left. You all know what that means; expect a tearful phone call from me in about a month.
Weird.
Blogger spells cancelled with only one L. Hmm.
Anyway, this episode had pretty much everything, as most Prison Break episodes do. I swear, its like watching all three Mission Impossible movies on fast-forward. There was back-stabbing, murder, explosions, sexual tension, pizza...my only complaint is that Michael and Sara didn't make out at all, but that doesn't bother me so much anymore since I bought every episode on DVD - now I can skip to all the makeout scenes and play them in slow-mo whenever I want. Suck it, bitches.
Ok so the other day I decided I should really get a move on all the holiday assessments I got from college. Ha, alright, when I said assessmentS, I was lying. Its assessmenT. As in, there is only one. But everyone already hates me for having four weeks of holidays - I was only trying to downplay the awesomness that is my school. I guess that failed. Oh well. Anyway for part of the project, I have to go and collect 20 different fabric samples. So the other day I coerced Catherine into driving me to Spotlight and helping me pick some out. Haha. I love coercing Catherine into doing things - and not just because I love saying the word coercing.
Basically, this was how the Spotlight expedition went down:
Ha. Check out my paint skills.
Anyway, it was totally fun. I ran around picking out like a dillion roles of fabric, and then I made Catherine carry them all. And yes - because I know you're all wondering - yes, people stared. Some pointed.
One laughed.
I love it.
On a completely unrelated note, I think its possible that I may have broken my hand. Let me explain; yesterday I decided to make a pencil case. I got the sewing machine out of the cupboard, and when I went to put it on the table, I wasn't watching, so it fell over sideways, and landed on my hand.
This might not have been so bad, if we owned one of those new-fangled sewing machines made out of plastic. But no. Our sewing machine is old. So old. So very old. I'm pretty sure its the same sewing machine they used to make Marie Antoinette's wedding dress. And I don't know what its made out of, but...well, it sure isn't plastic. My whole hand is purple. And swollen - really swollen. It looks like an inflated dishwashing glove.
So now I have a rubber-glove-hand, an assessment to finish, and no pencil case.
Oh well. At least I have Prison Break!!!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Hey, check it out:
I made it onto Google Images!!!
I mean.
You know when you're really someone when your photo is on Google Images. They don't put just anyone up there you know - you have to be nerdy enough to blog at least 3 times a week.
Jacki Trew - taking over the internet, one post at a time.
I mean.
You know when you're really someone when your photo is on Google Images. They don't put just anyone up there you know - you have to be nerdy enough to blog at least 3 times a week.
Jacki Trew - taking over the internet, one post at a time.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Rove's Final Five, Originally Intended For...Hugh Jackman
5. Who was the drunkest person at this years Oscars?
I don't know, since I WASN'T INVITED! Whatever. Wentworth wasn't either, so there was really no reason for me to be there
4. Do you ever drop the fact that you're the Sexiest Man Alive into conversation?
Constantly. I never stop dropping it. Some people find it annoying, but hey - I won that trophy fair and square. You can all deal with it
3. What face would you make if you saw the world's most adorable kitten?
I like to think it would go something like this:
2. What is your secret fear?
Did I already answer this once before? Either way, its hard for me to think of a secret fear, since I publish pretty much every thought that enters my head on the internet. I guess though...well, as much as I joke about it, I'm really afraid that one night while I'm asleep, my sister will shave my head completely bald, and tattoo Voldemort's face onto the back of my skull
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Haha. That is so me in 15 years. I'm talking about the guy on the right, by the way.
I don't know, since I WASN'T INVITED! Whatever. Wentworth wasn't either, so there was really no reason for me to be there
4. Do you ever drop the fact that you're the Sexiest Man Alive into conversation?
Constantly. I never stop dropping it. Some people find it annoying, but hey - I won that trophy fair and square. You can all deal with it
3. What face would you make if you saw the world's most adorable kitten?
I like to think it would go something like this:
2. What is your secret fear?Did I already answer this once before? Either way, its hard for me to think of a secret fear, since I publish pretty much every thought that enters my head on the internet. I guess though...well, as much as I joke about it, I'm really afraid that one night while I'm asleep, my sister will shave my head completely bald, and tattoo Voldemort's face onto the back of my skull
1. What's the first thing you think of when you see this:
Haha. That is so me in 15 years. I'm talking about the guy on the right, by the way.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
When chocaholics bake...
Catherine: Jacki! Jacki! I found two cake mixes and some chocolate icing in the pantry!!!
Jacki: OH...MY GOSH
(2 hours later)
Mum: Wha...what did you do?
Jacki: I call her Janeane
Jacki: OH...MY GOSH
(2 hours later)
Mum: Wha...what did you do?
Jacki: I call her Janeane
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Happy 600th Post!!!
Hi.
My name is Jacki Trew, and I'm addicted to energy drinks.
Last night I fell asleep on the couch at 830, woke up at 10, drank a whole can of Mother in 45 seconds and watched 6 episodes of Prison Break back to back.
Oh, I'm not blogging about this because I think I need help...I just want you to know how awesome my life is.
My name is Jacki Trew, and I'm addicted to energy drinks.
Last night I fell asleep on the couch at 830, woke up at 10, drank a whole can of Mother in 45 seconds and watched 6 episodes of Prison Break back to back.
Oh, I'm not blogging about this because I think I need help...I just want you to know how awesome my life is.
When did MTV get so lame?
So, I watched the repeat of the MTV awards the other night.
...
Here is a question for you: when did MTV get so lame? Honestly. It was terrible. Just terrible. It was so painful, I couldn't even get through the whole thing. And it only went for an hour and a half! I've had showers that lasted longer than that!!!
First of all, it was hosted by Pete Wentz. Which wouldn't have been so bad, except that he kept bringing Ashlee Simpson up onto the stage, and making out with her. Alot. ALOT. It felt like I was intruding on their wedding night or something.
Also, since it was the Australian MTV awards, and we're totally isolated from the rest of the world, Pete and Ashlee were pretty much the only celebrities that turned up. I'm not even kidding. Did anyone else see it? They had fans come up and accept the trophies on behalf of whoever had won.
The only saving grace of the whole thing was when they cut to Kings of Leon playing live in New Zealand, and I saw my friend Megan on TV.
Mmm....I love seeing people I know on TV.
Speaking of seeing people I know on TV and loving it, the other day when I turned on the TV to watch The Tyra Show, I saw myself. And I loved it.
Granted, it was only for a split second, and all you could see was the left side of my face...still, I'm pretty sure its enough to secure me a lead role in Wentworth's next movie.
...
Here is a question for you: when did MTV get so lame? Honestly. It was terrible. Just terrible. It was so painful, I couldn't even get through the whole thing. And it only went for an hour and a half! I've had showers that lasted longer than that!!!
First of all, it was hosted by Pete Wentz. Which wouldn't have been so bad, except that he kept bringing Ashlee Simpson up onto the stage, and making out with her. Alot. ALOT. It felt like I was intruding on their wedding night or something.
Also, since it was the Australian MTV awards, and we're totally isolated from the rest of the world, Pete and Ashlee were pretty much the only celebrities that turned up. I'm not even kidding. Did anyone else see it? They had fans come up and accept the trophies on behalf of whoever had won.
The only saving grace of the whole thing was when they cut to Kings of Leon playing live in New Zealand, and I saw my friend Megan on TV.
Mmm....I love seeing people I know on TV.
Speaking of seeing people I know on TV and loving it, the other day when I turned on the TV to watch The Tyra Show, I saw myself. And I loved it.
Granted, it was only for a split second, and all you could see was the left side of my face...still, I'm pretty sure its enough to secure me a lead role in Wentworth's next movie.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Rove's Final Five, Originally Intended For...Janeane Garofalo
5. What should the Obamas have given the Queen instead of an iPod?
Prison Break on DVD. All seasons - even the Queen can never own enough Wentworth. Come to think of it, anything Wentworth-related would have been appropriate. Oh! They should have waited until she was asleep, snuck in a tattoo artist and given her an exact replica of the Prison Break tattoo. What monarch doesn't dream of something like that?
4. What was your favourite TV show when you were a kid?
I loved Sabrina. Everyone loved Sabrina - don't try to pretend you didn't, because we all know you did. The talking cat? The flying vacuums? HARVEY?? I'm still heartbroken its over - that's a void in my heart that hasn't been filled yet.
3. How can you be a vegan and still eat bacon?
I saw this one episode of Gilmore Girls where Mrs Kim made turkey out of tofu, so maybe you would need something like that. Except bacon instead of turkey. Well Mrs Kim's was called tofurkey, so I guess you could call it...tocan? bofu? Whatever. Just eat normal bacon, freaks!
2. What was your nickname at school?
I already answered this like 3 weeks ago, so here's the answer to a completely different question: Yes, I find it extremely annoying that Perez Hilton twitters every 3 seconds. I try to follow other people, but I CAN'T because Perez Hilton is taking over my life. Enough is enough Perez! I don't need to hear about your Zac Efron fantasies!
1. Whats the first thing you think of when you see this:
I know what you want me to say. You want me to say Where The Wild Things Are, because thats what you were all thinking. Isn't it? ISN'T IT? Well I WASN'T. I was thinking of Wentworth. He's always in my thoughts, because he is my hearts breath.
Ok, that was a lie.
I thought of Where The Wild Things Are too.
Well...Wentworth dressed in a Where The Wild Things Are costume.
Ha.
Prison Break on DVD. All seasons - even the Queen can never own enough Wentworth. Come to think of it, anything Wentworth-related would have been appropriate. Oh! They should have waited until she was asleep, snuck in a tattoo artist and given her an exact replica of the Prison Break tattoo. What monarch doesn't dream of something like that?
4. What was your favourite TV show when you were a kid?
I loved Sabrina. Everyone loved Sabrina - don't try to pretend you didn't, because we all know you did. The talking cat? The flying vacuums? HARVEY?? I'm still heartbroken its over - that's a void in my heart that hasn't been filled yet.
3. How can you be a vegan and still eat bacon?
I saw this one episode of Gilmore Girls where Mrs Kim made turkey out of tofu, so maybe you would need something like that. Except bacon instead of turkey. Well Mrs Kim's was called tofurkey, so I guess you could call it...tocan? bofu? Whatever. Just eat normal bacon, freaks!
2. What was your nickname at school?
I already answered this like 3 weeks ago, so here's the answer to a completely different question: Yes, I find it extremely annoying that Perez Hilton twitters every 3 seconds. I try to follow other people, but I CAN'T because Perez Hilton is taking over my life. Enough is enough Perez! I don't need to hear about your Zac Efron fantasies!
1. Whats the first thing you think of when you see this:
I know what you want me to say. You want me to say Where The Wild Things Are, because thats what you were all thinking. Isn't it? ISN'T IT? Well I WASN'T. I was thinking of Wentworth. He's always in my thoughts, because he is my hearts breath.
Ok, that was a lie.
I thought of Where The Wild Things Are too.
Well...Wentworth dressed in a Where The Wild Things Are costume.
Ha.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Another childhood memory gone wrong
Ok, just before, I was looking through my old jewellery box. As you do, on a rainy wednesday night. Anyway, this is the jewellery box I used when I was like six, so you know its full of crap. Do you know what kind of jewellery six-year-olds wore in the 90's? Every piece is more deliciously tacky than the last. Proof? Have a look at what I found:
Hmmm. Yeah. Ok...
I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure...thats a cannabis leaf, right?
Cannabis, as in the psychoactive drug?
So here's my question: How did this happen? How did I NOT notice I was wearing drug paraphernalia? No, actually: how did NO ONE ELSE not notice I was wearing drug paraphernalia? Like, um, my PARENTS?
Or maybe they did notice, and didn't say anything. You know, for a laugh. Actually the more I think about it, the more that seems totally possible. It probably went something like this:
Mum: So did you see that necklace Jacki was wearing?
Dad: No, why?
Mum: Well, its got a cannabis leaf on it. Do you think I should tell her to take it off?
Dad: Hell no! That's hilarious!
Thanks, Dad. You're getting the necklace for Father's day.
Hmmm. Yeah. Ok...I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure...thats a cannabis leaf, right?
Cannabis, as in the psychoactive drug?
So here's my question: How did this happen? How did I NOT notice I was wearing drug paraphernalia? No, actually: how did NO ONE ELSE not notice I was wearing drug paraphernalia? Like, um, my PARENTS?
Or maybe they did notice, and didn't say anything. You know, for a laugh. Actually the more I think about it, the more that seems totally possible. It probably went something like this:
Mum: So did you see that necklace Jacki was wearing?
Dad: No, why?
Mum: Well, its got a cannabis leaf on it. Do you think I should tell her to take it off?
Dad: Hell no! That's hilarious!
Thanks, Dad. You're getting the necklace for Father's day.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Three people I've never met just made me laugh out loud.
Since it's 1.20 in the morning and I can't get to sleep, I'm doing what any normal person would be doing: looking at the DVD reviews for Season 3 of Prison Break.
Oh, yeah. When I said "normal", what I really meant was "utterly insane".
Anyway, I saw that there were comments at the bottom of the page, so I decided to look at those too. And I'm so glad I did:
Bruce: Next week is the series finale. There's no way they will renew it for a third season, and because of the writers strike, season two was cut in half. Prison Break is over. I'm saddened, but considering where it was going, it's probably for the best.
Logan: Bruce, you are by far the dumbest person on earth...first of all, they are in season three, so how can they renew it for a third season, you rere. Also, they said season finale. If they were going to cancel it, they would have said series finale. Gosh, you are a moron.
Tim: Logan, why do you have to be a jerk to Bruce? Maybe he mis-typed season two...like when you typed rere - what the hell does that mean?
Hahaha. Even if you don't watch Prison Break, this is hilarious.
Thanks Bruce, Logan and Tim.
You just made my night.
Since it's 1.20 in the morning and I can't get to sleep, I'm doing what any normal person would be doing: looking at the DVD reviews for Season 3 of Prison Break.
Oh, yeah. When I said "normal", what I really meant was "utterly insane".
Anyway, I saw that there were comments at the bottom of the page, so I decided to look at those too. And I'm so glad I did:
Bruce: Next week is the series finale. There's no way they will renew it for a third season, and because of the writers strike, season two was cut in half. Prison Break is over. I'm saddened, but considering where it was going, it's probably for the best.
Logan: Bruce, you are by far the dumbest person on earth...first of all, they are in season three, so how can they renew it for a third season, you rere. Also, they said season finale. If they were going to cancel it, they would have said series finale. Gosh, you are a moron.
Tim: Logan, why do you have to be a jerk to Bruce? Maybe he mis-typed season two...like when you typed rere - what the hell does that mean?
Hahaha. Even if you don't watch Prison Break, this is hilarious.
Thanks Bruce, Logan and Tim.
You just made my night.
Monday, March 30, 2009
6 Goals for The Multiple Scorgasms
Hey!
I totally forgot to blog about my first netball game last week! Why didn't anyone remind me? Oh, right, because no one cares. Whatever.
Well, to start off, I didn't know how to get into the courts. Seriously. Madi and I walked around the building over and over again, and none of the doors were open. It went like this:
Madi: Hey, there's a door!
Me: I'll go check it!
I go to check it
Madi: Is it locked?
Me: Yes
Madi: Bummer
Times a thousand.
At this point, I think the other team figured they pretty much had it in the bag. They knew there wasn't going to be much competition from two players who couldn't even figure out how to get onto the court.
Our team name is technically The Panthers. By technically I mean everyone else agreed with The Panthers, but I like to embarass myself by inventing more dirty or ridiculous names for us, and then yelling them out in the middle of the game. Mostly I rotate between The Multiple Scorgasms and The Wacky Waving Inflatible Arm-Flailing Tube Men.
I have to say, there is nothing like the look on a 40-something-year-old womans face when she hears you yelling "GO SCORGASMS!" at half-time.
I watched Australia today. I know the ads on TV say it doesn't come out on DVD until the day after tomorrow, but I got it yesterday. Yeah, that's right. Suck it bitches.
I think my favourite thing about Australia is that John Jarratt plays the town Sergeant. In case you're totally out of the loop, John Jarratt is the Ivan-Milat-wannabe from Wolf Creek.
I love it.
The whole time he was acting all Sergeant-y, bossing the soldiers around and shiz, and all I could think was "I once watched you cut some girls spine out!"
Also, who could forget the Hugh-Jackman-pouring-bucket-of-water-on-himself scene? Because its not just hot, its also hilarious. Don't try to pretend you didn't laugh when you saw it, because we all know you did. I did. I laughed. I laugh every time.
And I mean every time.
I watch it, and I laugh. And then I rewind it, and watch it again, and laugh again.
And then I repeat this process until whoever I'm watching it with knocks me unconcious with the DVD cover.
Jacki Trew - proud to be Australian.
I totally forgot to blog about my first netball game last week! Why didn't anyone remind me? Oh, right, because no one cares. Whatever.
Well, to start off, I didn't know how to get into the courts. Seriously. Madi and I walked around the building over and over again, and none of the doors were open. It went like this:
Madi: Hey, there's a door!
Me: I'll go check it!
I go to check it
Madi: Is it locked?
Me: Yes
Madi: Bummer
Times a thousand.
At this point, I think the other team figured they pretty much had it in the bag. They knew there wasn't going to be much competition from two players who couldn't even figure out how to get onto the court.
Our team name is technically The Panthers. By technically I mean everyone else agreed with The Panthers, but I like to embarass myself by inventing more dirty or ridiculous names for us, and then yelling them out in the middle of the game. Mostly I rotate between The Multiple Scorgasms and The Wacky Waving Inflatible Arm-Flailing Tube Men.
I have to say, there is nothing like the look on a 40-something-year-old womans face when she hears you yelling "GO SCORGASMS!" at half-time.
I watched Australia today. I know the ads on TV say it doesn't come out on DVD until the day after tomorrow, but I got it yesterday. Yeah, that's right. Suck it bitches.
I think my favourite thing about Australia is that John Jarratt plays the town Sergeant. In case you're totally out of the loop, John Jarratt is the Ivan-Milat-wannabe from Wolf Creek.
I love it.
The whole time he was acting all Sergeant-y, bossing the soldiers around and shiz, and all I could think was "I once watched you cut some girls spine out!"
Also, who could forget the Hugh-Jackman-pouring-bucket-of-water-on-himself scene? Because its not just hot, its also hilarious. Don't try to pretend you didn't laugh when you saw it, because we all know you did. I did. I laughed. I laugh every time.
And I mean every time.
I watch it, and I laugh. And then I rewind it, and watch it again, and laugh again.
And then I repeat this process until whoever I'm watching it with knocks me unconcious with the DVD cover.
Jacki Trew - proud to be Australian.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Rove's Final Five, Originally Intended For...Bill Nighy and Nick Frost
5. What superpower would you most like to have?
Being able to fly. Only because I have so many dreams that I can, and when I wake up and realise I can't, I'm always super bummed (haha. super bummed. See what I did there?).
Or maybe the power to be super good-looking. Like, good-looking enough that I could pull a guy like Wentworth*
4. You shaved your genitals for 'Shawn of the Dead'. Explain your technique
Well, I...thought it would be a good idea? Honestly, I have no idea what this question even means, let alone how to answer it.
3. Is it true you are afraid of shorts?
Hell no! Its a common misconception; my sister Catherine thinks I'm afraid of pants, on account of the fact that I walk around the house in my undies. But its totally different.
2. What is your hidden talent?
Alright, nobody knows, but I'm actually an INCREDIBLY good driver. No, only kidding - I'm a terrible driver, and everyone knows it. Hidden talent? Well, I...know all the words to Midnight Train. AND I can make a killer lasagna (oh. By killer, yeah, I mean its so bad it'll probably kill you).
1. Whats the first thing you think of when you see this:
Damn! Now, why didn't I think of that? If Oscar wore a Yoda costume, he might not totally repulse everyone around him.
*Haha. Yeah, I just realised how dirty that sounds.
Being able to fly. Only because I have so many dreams that I can, and when I wake up and realise I can't, I'm always super bummed (haha. super bummed. See what I did there?).
Or maybe the power to be super good-looking. Like, good-looking enough that I could pull a guy like Wentworth*
4. You shaved your genitals for 'Shawn of the Dead'. Explain your technique
Well, I...thought it would be a good idea? Honestly, I have no idea what this question even means, let alone how to answer it.
3. Is it true you are afraid of shorts?
Hell no! Its a common misconception; my sister Catherine thinks I'm afraid of pants, on account of the fact that I walk around the house in my undies. But its totally different.
2. What is your hidden talent?
Alright, nobody knows, but I'm actually an INCREDIBLY good driver. No, only kidding - I'm a terrible driver, and everyone knows it. Hidden talent? Well, I...know all the words to Midnight Train. AND I can make a killer lasagna (oh. By killer, yeah, I mean its so bad it'll probably kill you).
1. Whats the first thing you think of when you see this:
Damn! Now, why didn't I think of that? If Oscar wore a Yoda costume, he might not totally repulse everyone around him.*Haha. Yeah, I just realised how dirty that sounds.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Here's a blog directed at any English department:
Ok, so I'm watching That 70's Show, and they totally just referenced Lord of The Flies. And it made me think...
How freaking old is Lord of The Flies that they are talking about it on a TV show set in the 70's?
Seriously, high school English departments, you need to start thinking about new texts. Evidence: I'm not even in high school anymore, but I'm still thinking about how boring English was.
GET SOME NEW TEXTS!
To make it easy, I've compiled a list of suggestions:
Apparently they are going to kill Michael in the last episode of Prison Break. For those of you who don't know, Michael is Wentworth Miller's character. Let me break it down for you:
Michael = Wentworth.
Wentworth = Michael.
Jacki = in love.
Now if Michael dies, there are 2 possible outcomes:
1) I, too, will die
2) I, too, will die
So, Fox executives, I hope you decide not to kill Michael. Unless, you know, you're ok with being murderers.
How freaking old is Lord of The Flies that they are talking about it on a TV show set in the 70's?
Seriously, high school English departments, you need to start thinking about new texts. Evidence: I'm not even in high school anymore, but I'm still thinking about how boring English was.
GET SOME NEW TEXTS!
To make it easy, I've compiled a list of suggestions:
- Prison Break
Apparently they are going to kill Michael in the last episode of Prison Break. For those of you who don't know, Michael is Wentworth Miller's character. Let me break it down for you:
Michael = Wentworth.
Wentworth = Michael.
Jacki = in love.
Now if Michael dies, there are 2 possible outcomes:
1) I, too, will die
2) I, too, will die
So, Fox executives, I hope you decide not to kill Michael. Unless, you know, you're ok with being murderers.
I'm sitting upstairs watching TV, and I can hear my dad talking to the dog.
I don't know, maybe its just me, but there is something truly truly hilarious about a grown man talking to a dog. Especially the way my dad does it:
Dad: How was your day, Oscar?
Oscar: (silence)
Dad: Mine was very tiring. I think I'm going to pour myself a drink now.
Oscar: (silence)
Dad: Do you know what Baisy (that's me) is doing?
Oscar: (silence)
Dad: I'll just go and see if she wants anything
Oscar: (silence)
Dad walks up the stairs
Dad: Baisy, do you want anything?
Me: No thanks Dad
Dad: Ok
Dad walks down the stairs
Dad: She didn't want anything
Oscar: (silence)
Dad: So. What do you want for dinner?
I don't know, maybe its just me, but there is something truly truly hilarious about a grown man talking to a dog. Especially the way my dad does it:
Dad: How was your day, Oscar?
Oscar: (silence)
Dad: Mine was very tiring. I think I'm going to pour myself a drink now.
Oscar: (silence)
Dad: Do you know what Baisy (that's me) is doing?
Oscar: (silence)
Dad: I'll just go and see if she wants anything
Oscar: (silence)
Dad walks up the stairs
Dad: Baisy, do you want anything?
Me: No thanks Dad
Dad: Ok
Dad walks down the stairs
Dad: She didn't want anything
Oscar: (silence)
Dad: So. What do you want for dinner?
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Dear Codral,
You really need to think about labeling your pills better. Like, it should be more clear which ones are for day, and which are for night.
Today I accidentally took two night pills, and I passed out on the couch for like 3 hours. I am not even kidding. One minute I was reading, the next I was out cold. In the middle of the day. Then I woke up with a magazine stuck to my face - do you know how hard it is to get magazine print off your skin?
Think about it, that's all I'm saying.
Sincerely,
Jacki Trew
P.S Yes, I realise I am an idiot
You really need to think about labeling your pills better. Like, it should be more clear which ones are for day, and which are for night.
Today I accidentally took two night pills, and I passed out on the couch for like 3 hours. I am not even kidding. One minute I was reading, the next I was out cold. In the middle of the day. Then I woke up with a magazine stuck to my face - do you know how hard it is to get magazine print off your skin?
Think about it, that's all I'm saying.
Sincerely,
Jacki Trew
P.S Yes, I realise I am an idiot
I just found a website that sells earrings especially for cartilage piercings, so I bought some. It's about time I did this. The earring I have in there now is so shocking, I'm honestly surprised I still have two ears. It's a bit bigger than a regular earring, so I think I've actually stretched the piercing. I think this, because if I look at my ear in a mirror, I can see light shining through the hole. I mean, that cant be good, right?
Also, I bought it from a stall on the side of the road, and it cost me $3.
Also, I bought it from a stall on the side of the road, and it cost me $3.
Severed heads, portaloos, bicycle riders and some other stuff
About two weeks ago, my sister Catherine's room started to smell. Like, really bad. And not just dirty-socks-under-the-bed bad; it was more like dead-body-under-the-bed bad. I asked my dad to check if there were any dead bodies in the ceiling above Catherine's room, which, if you think about it, is a total possibility. I'm not kidding when I say I hear noises in the roof at night. Loud noises. Like, I think Gollum might be living up there.
So anyway, Dad got a ladder and this huge industrial torch, and climbed into the attic. Oh, let me interrupt myself to say when he did this, I had a total Grudge moment - you know, when the guy sticks his head into the attic and sees the girls jaw on the ground? And then he gets attacked by the cat-boy? So I had visions of my Dad getting mauled by either Gollum or a Japanese ghost, but nothing happened.
How boring.
Anyway he left the torch in the middle of our upstairs living room, and we are all so lazy in my family that nobody has bothered to take it back downstairs yet. So its been sitting there for two weeks. And every time I walk across the living room - which is alot, seeings as my room is attached to one side of it - I freak out, because I keep thinking its a severed head.
....
Speaking of people leaving things on the floor and then me thinking they are severed heads, Catherine left her toiletries bag (which is actually MY toiletries bag, only she stole it) in the middle of the bathroom floor for about 4 days, and every time I got up in the middle of the night to pee, I thought I was seeing a corpse head lying on the bath mat.
What is with that, anyway? There are plenty of other things I could think it was - my cat, a towel, a stain on the mat. But a severed head? I think I watch too much TV.
On a completely different note, today I came up with the perfect advertising slogan for Oporto, should they ever choose to join forces with a company that produces portable toilets:
Jacki: You know, I feel really bad for bicycle riders. If they ride on the sidewalk, you think they're going run over you, and if they ride on the road, you think you're going to run over them!
Catherine: Huh. Yeah.
Genius, right?
So anyway, Dad got a ladder and this huge industrial torch, and climbed into the attic. Oh, let me interrupt myself to say when he did this, I had a total Grudge moment - you know, when the guy sticks his head into the attic and sees the girls jaw on the ground? And then he gets attacked by the cat-boy? So I had visions of my Dad getting mauled by either Gollum or a Japanese ghost, but nothing happened.
How boring.
Anyway he left the torch in the middle of our upstairs living room, and we are all so lazy in my family that nobody has bothered to take it back downstairs yet. So its been sitting there for two weeks. And every time I walk across the living room - which is alot, seeings as my room is attached to one side of it - I freak out, because I keep thinking its a severed head.
....
Speaking of people leaving things on the floor and then me thinking they are severed heads, Catherine left her toiletries bag (which is actually MY toiletries bag, only she stole it) in the middle of the bathroom floor for about 4 days, and every time I got up in the middle of the night to pee, I thought I was seeing a corpse head lying on the bath mat.
What is with that, anyway? There are plenty of other things I could think it was - my cat, a towel, a stain on the mat. But a severed head? I think I watch too much TV.
On a completely different note, today I came up with the perfect advertising slogan for Oporto, should they ever choose to join forces with a company that produces portable toilets:
Just Gotta Go: Oport-a-loo!
At about the same time, I had a revelation about bicycle riders that went something like this:Jacki: You know, I feel really bad for bicycle riders. If they ride on the sidewalk, you think they're going run over you, and if they ride on the road, you think you're going to run over them!
Catherine: Huh. Yeah.
Genius, right?
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Everyone KNOWS its Scar-Jo, asshole!
Yesterday I went to my cousin Mandy's wedding in Canberra. I had a few laughs, drank some wine, breathed the Canberra air, met some cousins I never even knew I had (more cousins, who thought it was possible), accidentally-on-purpose spilled tea candle wax all over the table, then used it to clue heart shaped confetti to my face and the faces of those around me, ate some cake - you know, the usual.
Anyway, when I went to bed last night, I had maybe one of the craziest dreams ever.
I know.
That's a pretty big call.
But I think, after reading it, you might just agree with me. (Oh, before I start, all the people who made appearances in this dream are real. So if you are one of them, and you're creeped out by the fact that I dreamed about you...well, get over it).
So first of all, me and a group of friends are going clubbing. On George St. And when I say George St, I don't mean the regular George St, I mean a country town with a population of like, 7. But in the dream it was George St. I don't remember everyone who came, but Robbie Kerr was definitely there. As was Mel (Amon), Madi (MuSung) and Jessie (Grace).
Oh, I forgot. I said we were going clubbing - all the places we went to were fictional clubs from Sex and The City. Like, remember that episode where they went to a club called Bed? And it was basically just a huge room filled with beds, with loud music playing?
We went there.
Around the corner from Bed, there was a pub called Jager Explosion, which was apparently our favourite place ever. Oh, Mike (Warrell) was at Jager Explosion. We left Jager Explosion, went to some more places, then decided to go back, but we found that it was closed. Then I was all 'I don't feel like clubbing anymore', so I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, I was lying on the bed in our guest bedroom. You know, the one with the magic doona?
Oh, I should tell you - this whole time, I'm wearing the exact same outfit I wore to Mandy's wedding.
So I get a text on my phone, and its Madi:
Hey! Since we didn't go out last night, we should go out tonight! Jager Explosion? Xx
Wait a minute. Didn't we go out last night? Or was the whole first part of the dream a...dream? A dream within a dream - but isn't that a coma? I didn't have much time to ponder, because at this point I was actually woken up by my mother who wants to know if I'm coming to the buffet breakfast. I decline, and go back to sleep - the dream continues.
So now I'm at my primary school, watching people walk around the oval. I'm standing on this balcony hanging over the oval, which doesn't exist in real life, but whatever. Two people that stand out to me are Jordan (Potts) and Jane (du Toit). Jane is dressed as Scarlett Johannson, and Jordan is parading her around yelling 'Hey, everyone! Her name is Scar-Shh now! Scar-Shh!'
Ok, I feel like I have to explain this part. You know how people make nicknames for celebrities by shortening their first and last names, and then squishing them together? Like Robert Pattinson is R-Patz? And Lindsay Lohan is LiLo? That's what Jordan was doing (or at least, trying to do) to Scarlett Johannson.
Now, here's my favourite part of the whole dream:
So I'm standing on the balcony, people-watching, with Julia (Hirst) and Anna (Goyen), and I hear Jordan screaming out the Scar-Shh thing, and I lean over the railing and shout:
Everyone KNOWS its Scar-Jo, asshole!!
and turn back to Julia and Anna, who have this look of complete shock on their faces. Then I woke up, because my sister was jumping on my bed. And in that moment, the only thing I could remember about the whole dream was the Scar-Jo/asshole thing, so I yelled it at Catherine.
Haha. I love it.
I love it so much, I think I'll make it my new catchphrase.
Because when you think about it, its funny and true - everyone DOES know.
Her name is Scar-Jo.
Assholes.
Anyway, when I went to bed last night, I had maybe one of the craziest dreams ever.
I know.
That's a pretty big call.
But I think, after reading it, you might just agree with me. (Oh, before I start, all the people who made appearances in this dream are real. So if you are one of them, and you're creeped out by the fact that I dreamed about you...well, get over it).
So first of all, me and a group of friends are going clubbing. On George St. And when I say George St, I don't mean the regular George St, I mean a country town with a population of like, 7. But in the dream it was George St. I don't remember everyone who came, but Robbie Kerr was definitely there. As was Mel (Amon), Madi (MuSung) and Jessie (Grace).
Oh, I forgot. I said we were going clubbing - all the places we went to were fictional clubs from Sex and The City. Like, remember that episode where they went to a club called Bed? And it was basically just a huge room filled with beds, with loud music playing?
We went there.
Around the corner from Bed, there was a pub called Jager Explosion, which was apparently our favourite place ever. Oh, Mike (Warrell) was at Jager Explosion. We left Jager Explosion, went to some more places, then decided to go back, but we found that it was closed. Then I was all 'I don't feel like clubbing anymore', so I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, I was lying on the bed in our guest bedroom. You know, the one with the magic doona?
Oh, I should tell you - this whole time, I'm wearing the exact same outfit I wore to Mandy's wedding.
So I get a text on my phone, and its Madi:
Hey! Since we didn't go out last night, we should go out tonight! Jager Explosion? Xx
Wait a minute. Didn't we go out last night? Or was the whole first part of the dream a...dream? A dream within a dream - but isn't that a coma? I didn't have much time to ponder, because at this point I was actually woken up by my mother who wants to know if I'm coming to the buffet breakfast. I decline, and go back to sleep - the dream continues.
So now I'm at my primary school, watching people walk around the oval. I'm standing on this balcony hanging over the oval, which doesn't exist in real life, but whatever. Two people that stand out to me are Jordan (Potts) and Jane (du Toit). Jane is dressed as Scarlett Johannson, and Jordan is parading her around yelling 'Hey, everyone! Her name is Scar-Shh now! Scar-Shh!'
Ok, I feel like I have to explain this part. You know how people make nicknames for celebrities by shortening their first and last names, and then squishing them together? Like Robert Pattinson is R-Patz? And Lindsay Lohan is LiLo? That's what Jordan was doing (or at least, trying to do) to Scarlett Johannson.
Now, here's my favourite part of the whole dream:
So I'm standing on the balcony, people-watching, with Julia (Hirst) and Anna (Goyen), and I hear Jordan screaming out the Scar-Shh thing, and I lean over the railing and shout:
Everyone KNOWS its Scar-Jo, asshole!!
and turn back to Julia and Anna, who have this look of complete shock on their faces. Then I woke up, because my sister was jumping on my bed. And in that moment, the only thing I could remember about the whole dream was the Scar-Jo/asshole thing, so I yelled it at Catherine.
Haha. I love it.
I love it so much, I think I'll make it my new catchphrase.
Because when you think about it, its funny and true - everyone DOES know.
Her name is Scar-Jo.
Assholes.
Rove's Final Five, Originally Intended For...Steve Coogan
Do you remember the first time you got drunk?
No, but I remember waking up the next morning covered in tattoos and wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a pink scarf.
Hmmm. I'd tap that.
(The elephant I mean)
No, but I remember waking up the next morning covered in tattoos and wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a pink scarf.
Alright, that was a lie. Yes, I remember, it was at Jess Morto's 18th. The best part of that night: Ken's drunken speech. The worst part: there was only one toilet - for EVERYONE.
How did being in a hot tub with Arnold Schwarznegger affect your body image?
You know, not at all really. It's pretty obvious that I'm way more muscular than him.
Monkeys acting like people - funny or sad?
Sad. And kind of creepy.
Which character from Sesame Street would you sack?
Its weird, when I was little, I had this huge vendetta against Oscar The Grouch. I say weird because now he's probably the one I relate to the most. You know, seeings as I live in a garbage can and my whole body is covered with green hair and stuff. So it used to be Oscar, but now...probably The Count. The accent just bugs me.
What is the first thing you think of when you see this:
Hmmm. I'd tap that.(The elephant I mean)
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I just finished part one of my assessment, so I congratulated myself by watching a little behind-the-scenes Prison Break. Anyway, I was watching cast interviews, and I found out that Amaury Nolasco (who plays Sucre) listens to Journey.
I love it when stuff like this happens. When you find out a celebrity loves or does the same things that you love or do, I mean. Even when its totally insignificant.
"No way you guys, Ellen Degeneres eats cereal for breakfast? No shiz, this is incredible - SO DO I!!!"
So that got me thinking. I should interact with celebrities more. I mean, its pretty obvious that we have tons in common. So I wrote to Rove, and asked for a job. Here is my application:
Rove, I think you should hire me.
For whatever. I can take out the garbage, I can interview Nicole Kidman, its cool. I just need a job. Why should you hire me? Funny you should ask, because I was just about to tell you.
I'm young and fun and crazy, and I couldn't care less if you pay me minimum wage.
I appreciate a good vomit-inducing roller coaster. I blog and twitter and I'm on facebook AND myspace, so you know, I can teach old people how to use computers.
I guess that's a skill.
I have no problem with people making jokes at my expense - in fact, I encourage it. Most of all, when I'm old and senile and stuff, I want to be able to tell my grandkids lots of stories about my crazy youth - and it would be cool if at least one of them was true.
So yeah.
Hire me?
Or at the very least, read some of my blog on the air - www.jackiiscrazy.blogspot.com
Sincerely,
Jacki Trew
Its good, right? I even plugged myself, you know, by mentioning my blog.
Plugged myself? Haha. Gross!
Oh, by the way, I just noticed that I've written like 18 posts in the last week, and nobody has commented on any of them. Whats the deal, scurvies?
18 posts and no comments? Thats no way to treat a future Rove castmember!
I love it when stuff like this happens. When you find out a celebrity loves or does the same things that you love or do, I mean. Even when its totally insignificant.
"No way you guys, Ellen Degeneres eats cereal for breakfast? No shiz, this is incredible - SO DO I!!!"
So that got me thinking. I should interact with celebrities more. I mean, its pretty obvious that we have tons in common. So I wrote to Rove, and asked for a job. Here is my application:
Rove, I think you should hire me.
For whatever. I can take out the garbage, I can interview Nicole Kidman, its cool. I just need a job. Why should you hire me? Funny you should ask, because I was just about to tell you.
I'm young and fun and crazy, and I couldn't care less if you pay me minimum wage.
I appreciate a good vomit-inducing roller coaster. I blog and twitter and I'm on facebook AND myspace, so you know, I can teach old people how to use computers.
I guess that's a skill.
I have no problem with people making jokes at my expense - in fact, I encourage it. Most of all, when I'm old and senile and stuff, I want to be able to tell my grandkids lots of stories about my crazy youth - and it would be cool if at least one of them was true.
So yeah.
Hire me?
Or at the very least, read some of my blog on the air - www.jackiiscrazy.blogspot.com
Sincerely,
Jacki Trew
Its good, right? I even plugged myself, you know, by mentioning my blog.
Plugged myself? Haha. Gross!
Oh, by the way, I just noticed that I've written like 18 posts in the last week, and nobody has commented on any of them. Whats the deal, scurvies?
18 posts and no comments? Thats no way to treat a future Rove castmember!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
my best blog moments
I am one of those people who always has their best moments when nobody else is around.
You know.
And when I'm surrounded by a crowd of 10,000 people and holding a microphone, the only thing that comes out of my mouth is a really bad Aaron Neville impression. So here is me, shoving my best material in all your faces until you give me the satisfaction I crave.
Well, that, or tell me to shut up.
Whatever. So, these are some of my best phrases. I encourage you to bring them up in conversation whenever you can:
"Who invented the word kankle? Because whoever it was, I am going to smack their bottom." - 14/08/04
"All you people out there - I BELIEVE IN YOU!! You CAN make your own g-string, and I am proof that IT IS POSSIBLE!!" - 11/08/04
"Also there was a cake shaped like a vagina...because we all know there is no point in having a cake unless everybody else on the planet is insulted by it." - 17/11/06
"Nicole Kidman has probably been naked in my house like a dillion times." - 30/10/06
"I didn't know they made undies that could be saggy and high-cut at the same time, but I'm wearing the proof." - 27/10/06
"All I could think was 'I'm about to get killed by my own hair!'" - 16/08/06
"It's been such a long time since I sat down at my computer and wrote anything that wasn't about Wentworth Miller. Or Prison Break. Or the fact that I'm in love with Wentworth Miller. And Prison Break" - 04/04/07
"So while you might think I'm plagiarising, I'm actually just educating you all on Postmodernism, so Mr Watson - you should buck up and give me an Extension History medal or something." -16/07/07
"Anyone who's anyone knows Catherine and I never look in the cupboard under the sink, because there is a reason we put things in the cupboard under the sink, and that reason is that they smell like a graveyard." - 16/07/07
"It's like the universes way of telling me that I will probably end up in prison within 12 minutes of leaving school and going into the real world." - 03/05/07
"Old people pretty much have no clue." - 15/04/03
"My dad is trying to connect his new computer to the internet. Without much success - he hasn't got any internet, and now our home phone isn't working." - 25/03/07
"If I watch the SuperBowl, I'm going to end up with hot turkey in my crotch. And that's never good." - 28/11/08
"Everything was going fine, until about 15 minutes into my walk, when I realised I had left the house without putting a bra on. Whoops." - 07/08/08
"First of all, I apologise for not blogging for so long. Second of all, I apologise for being so arrogant that I actually think people will read this." - 19/02/08
"Eventually, I solved the problem by kicking the fax machine until it turned off." - 30/01/08
"Michael Vaughn was so hot. His funeral should have been open-casket." - 13/02/09
"Here's to hoping I dont run over any (more) cops!" - 12/02/09
"Like this personal ad I saw recently. It said 'Albino he-she seeks similar'. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I don't think an albino he-she can afford to be choosy." - 02/02/09
And maybe my favourite of all time:
"While I was waiting for that photo to upload, I decided to compile a list of all the things that absolutely infuriate me. Here is it:
1) The Blogger photo-uploading system
That's as far as I got. As soon as I typed that, I got so angry that I couldn't go any further. I just punched the computer screen, then went to get some juice." - 13/02/09
You know.
And when I'm surrounded by a crowd of 10,000 people and holding a microphone, the only thing that comes out of my mouth is a really bad Aaron Neville impression. So here is me, shoving my best material in all your faces until you give me the satisfaction I crave.
Well, that, or tell me to shut up.
Whatever. So, these are some of my best phrases. I encourage you to bring them up in conversation whenever you can:
"Who invented the word kankle? Because whoever it was, I am going to smack their bottom." - 14/08/04
"All you people out there - I BELIEVE IN YOU!! You CAN make your own g-string, and I am proof that IT IS POSSIBLE!!" - 11/08/04
"Also there was a cake shaped like a vagina...because we all know there is no point in having a cake unless everybody else on the planet is insulted by it." - 17/11/06
"Nicole Kidman has probably been naked in my house like a dillion times." - 30/10/06
"I didn't know they made undies that could be saggy and high-cut at the same time, but I'm wearing the proof." - 27/10/06
"All I could think was 'I'm about to get killed by my own hair!'" - 16/08/06
"It's been such a long time since I sat down at my computer and wrote anything that wasn't about Wentworth Miller. Or Prison Break. Or the fact that I'm in love with Wentworth Miller. And Prison Break" - 04/04/07
"So while you might think I'm plagiarising, I'm actually just educating you all on Postmodernism, so Mr Watson - you should buck up and give me an Extension History medal or something." -16/07/07
"Anyone who's anyone knows Catherine and I never look in the cupboard under the sink, because there is a reason we put things in the cupboard under the sink, and that reason is that they smell like a graveyard." - 16/07/07
"It's like the universes way of telling me that I will probably end up in prison within 12 minutes of leaving school and going into the real world." - 03/05/07
"Old people pretty much have no clue." - 15/04/03
"My dad is trying to connect his new computer to the internet. Without much success - he hasn't got any internet, and now our home phone isn't working." - 25/03/07
"If I watch the SuperBowl, I'm going to end up with hot turkey in my crotch. And that's never good." - 28/11/08
"Everything was going fine, until about 15 minutes into my walk, when I realised I had left the house without putting a bra on. Whoops." - 07/08/08
"First of all, I apologise for not blogging for so long. Second of all, I apologise for being so arrogant that I actually think people will read this." - 19/02/08
"Eventually, I solved the problem by kicking the fax machine until it turned off." - 30/01/08
"Michael Vaughn was so hot. His funeral should have been open-casket." - 13/02/09
"Here's to hoping I dont run over any (more) cops!" - 12/02/09
"Like this personal ad I saw recently. It said 'Albino he-she seeks similar'. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I don't think an albino he-she can afford to be choosy." - 02/02/09
And maybe my favourite of all time:
"While I was waiting for that photo to upload, I decided to compile a list of all the things that absolutely infuriate me. Here is it:
1) The Blogger photo-uploading system
That's as far as I got. As soon as I typed that, I got so angry that I couldn't go any further. I just punched the computer screen, then went to get some juice." - 13/02/09
Tonight is one of those nights where I accidentally-on-purpose work myself into a state of frenzied awakeness by drinking too many cups of coffee and watching too many back-to-back episodes of Prison Break, and end up sitting on my bed at 3.30 in the morning with a laptop typing the name of every person I can think of into google, and seeing if anything interesting comes up.
By the way, it didn't.
None of you are google-worthy.
Oh, and yeah. I know 'awakeness' isn't a word. Thanks anyway, blogger spellcheck.
Hey, what do you know? Spellcheck isn't a word either.
By the way, it didn't.
None of you are google-worthy.
Oh, and yeah. I know 'awakeness' isn't a word. Thanks anyway, blogger spellcheck.
Hey, what do you know? Spellcheck isn't a word either.
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