well i can safely say ive added another person to the list of people who want to kill me
seriously though, gym was so bad this morning.
we got there and whalley wasnt there so obviously this was a cause for celebration since she has become the new laura (with tegan taking over the role of the new whalley), and bullies us all to tears almost every tuesday and friday morning
anyway when i arrived she wasnt there so i was quietly rejoycing to myself when i looked up and saw her walking towards me beff han and mel with a look on her face that clearly read:
i'm going to get you jacki trew. you and your friends. and then you'll be sorry you didnt work hard in gym when i told you to. oh yes, very sorry. very sorry indeed (insert evil laugh)
well
as if that didnt freak me out enough, she then proceeded to following us level threes around and forcing us to do many heinous things like 30 leg lifts on the wall bars and 20 casts IN A ROW (which no human being can do without rendering themselves infertile), and then doing multiple tuck jumps and handstands and peggy half turns on the beam until we were just about ready to kill ourselves, but we neednt have bothered since she would probably do that for us anyway
then as we were leaving (actually, it was more like escaping) she turned to bethy and i and said
are you two coming to the competition?
and we were like umm, i dont think so, since bethy didnt want to and im pretty sure i have to babysit that night
and shes like
well thats a crap excuse and if you dont come im going to...well, im not sure what ill do
and we were like kill us? and shes like
no. i dont want you to be dead. i want you to be almost dead. but just alive enough to do your routines.
and i am not even kidding.
what the hell? what kind of a person says that??
ill tell you who
the kind of person who is going to maul you as soon as they can
if they can get to you before ivan milat
which really, considering its me, wont be that easy
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Friday, August 25, 2006
suckonomics
seriously though
how is it that someone could be so crap at economics?
i mean
i just
dont
get it
like shut up
what the hull
in economics im always so out of it, im either
a) asleep
b) falling asleep
c) staring out the window with my eyes glazed over; or
d) wishing i was in modern
and what makes it even worse is when everyone else is like "oh i get it, the macroeconomic factors suplement the monetary policys instrumental activities, the sullaweego and the pulizeezee are added together to achieve the division of the pack of treewuqwores"
or whatever
and im still drawing pictures of horses with giant wangs on the back of laurens folder
sigh. its just so dam boring
blah blah blah thats what mrs black should be saying. or thats what she may as well be saying. thats all i get out of it.
we watched a video today, and everyone was taking notes. then, at the end of the movie, mrs black turned the tv off and we all looked down at the things we had learned.
of course everyone else had practically written essays on the american economy.
what did i have on my page?
'emmy rocks my world' in red pen, and a picture of a bald man dancing
and a drawing of a horse with a giant wang
oh, yeah
im going to pass this exam for sure
how is it that someone could be so crap at economics?
i mean
i just
dont
get it
like shut up
what the hull
in economics im always so out of it, im either
a) asleep
b) falling asleep
c) staring out the window with my eyes glazed over; or
d) wishing i was in modern
and what makes it even worse is when everyone else is like "oh i get it, the macroeconomic factors suplement the monetary policys instrumental activities, the sullaweego and the pulizeezee are added together to achieve the division of the pack of treewuqwores"
or whatever
and im still drawing pictures of horses with giant wangs on the back of laurens folder
sigh. its just so dam boring
blah blah blah thats what mrs black should be saying. or thats what she may as well be saying. thats all i get out of it.
we watched a video today, and everyone was taking notes. then, at the end of the movie, mrs black turned the tv off and we all looked down at the things we had learned.
of course everyone else had practically written essays on the american economy.
what did i have on my page?
'emmy rocks my world' in red pen, and a picture of a bald man dancing
and a drawing of a horse with a giant wang
oh, yeah
im going to pass this exam for sure
Thursday, August 24, 2006
mmm...meat
so
another day, another night to procrastinate when im supposed to be doing homework and end up doing something totally pathetic like when i fell asleep at 430 this afternoon in my school uniform with half a sandwich in my mouth
i guess the bright side was that when i woke up i got to enjoy a sandwich
but seriously.
there are times when you dont want the first thing you taste after being asleep to be warm salami
and not warm in the good way
is there a good way for salami to be warm? probably not unless you're some meat-infested person like jess who once injested like 47 cutlets in one sitting
dude. jess
you're my hero
but anyway what i really wanted to talk about probably doesnt make sense so ill just rant about catherine and how you should ALL ATTACK HER AS SOON AS YOU SEE HER because she keeps refusing to make home movies with me!!!
its all "not now jacki" and "piss of jacki" and "maybe tomorrow night jacki" and "i have to study for the hsc jacki"
pfft.
hsc.
like that matters as much as my home movies. am i right? am i right?
of course im right. so you should all maul catherine face off, but dont injure her enough that she cant be in the home movies unless you want me to go back to getting my mum to film, and really, i think shes been traumatised enough.
p.s. i miss you bethy!
another day, another night to procrastinate when im supposed to be doing homework and end up doing something totally pathetic like when i fell asleep at 430 this afternoon in my school uniform with half a sandwich in my mouth
i guess the bright side was that when i woke up i got to enjoy a sandwich
but seriously.
there are times when you dont want the first thing you taste after being asleep to be warm salami
and not warm in the good way
is there a good way for salami to be warm? probably not unless you're some meat-infested person like jess who once injested like 47 cutlets in one sitting
dude. jess
you're my hero
but anyway what i really wanted to talk about probably doesnt make sense so ill just rant about catherine and how you should ALL ATTACK HER AS SOON AS YOU SEE HER because she keeps refusing to make home movies with me!!!
its all "not now jacki" and "piss of jacki" and "maybe tomorrow night jacki" and "i have to study for the hsc jacki"
pfft.
hsc.
like that matters as much as my home movies. am i right? am i right?
of course im right. so you should all maul catherine face off, but dont injure her enough that she cant be in the home movies unless you want me to go back to getting my mum to film, and really, i think shes been traumatised enough.
p.s. i miss you bethy!
mooooooddderrrrrnnnn next which is so good because i am totally having modern withdrawals from not enough modern
im going to make a school where the only teacher is emmy and all we learn is modern
i tell you!
and also im missing you beffy so u have to hurry up and get better and come back to school because there is no one to correct us when we miss-pronounce words in modern!
what are we to do??
WHAT I ASK YOU???
anyway yes tata because i am off to modern to have the best time of my life which is what always happens in modern unless emmys face has exploded again
im going to make a school where the only teacher is emmy and all we learn is modern
i tell you!
and also im missing you beffy so u have to hurry up and get better and come back to school because there is no one to correct us when we miss-pronounce words in modern!
what are we to do??
WHAT I ASK YOU???
anyway yes tata because i am off to modern to have the best time of my life which is what always happens in modern unless emmys face has exploded again
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Shower Thoughts #10
is it bad when you start classifying animals into food groups instead of the type of animals they are?
blogging for bethy
so im bl0gging for bethy who is home sick and probably on her deathbed which isnt really funny but i guess it would be funny if it was me, because theres something about me and dying that people seem to find funny
i guess
anyway today we had those prefect announcements which were pretty good except that LAUREN SMITH became prefect and then bullied me and gemma so beth you should come back to protect us and it will be good
oh mitchys coming so i better go before she deep-fries me!!!
i guess
anyway today we had those prefect announcements which were pretty good except that LAUREN SMITH became prefect and then bullied me and gemma so beth you should come back to protect us and it will be good
oh mitchys coming so i better go before she deep-fries me!!!
Monday, August 21, 2006
greys anatomy
ew.
ew.
ew.
so ohmigosh i just watched greys anatomy and i am so going to fly to america and stab dr sheppard in the back because he is such a knobhead to meredith and like ohmigosh shut up dr sheppard.
she should so totally be with george anyway because how can anyone resist george he is just too cute and i would have babies with him like in one second except that he should end up with meredith because that would just be better
anyway it was an emotional episode of greys anatomy, what with the operations, threat of blowing up the whole hospital, having to convince bailey to give birth, issi and alex having sex in a cupboard and some guy exploding his seedy seedy insides all over merediths face, but i have to say the best bit was when bailey named her son george, which just was such a beautiful moment that i had to console myself with a piece of chocolate cake that was roughly the same size as my head.
ok
fine
two pieces
ew.
ew.
so ohmigosh i just watched greys anatomy and i am so going to fly to america and stab dr sheppard in the back because he is such a knobhead to meredith and like ohmigosh shut up dr sheppard.
she should so totally be with george anyway because how can anyone resist george he is just too cute and i would have babies with him like in one second except that he should end up with meredith because that would just be better
anyway it was an emotional episode of greys anatomy, what with the operations, threat of blowing up the whole hospital, having to convince bailey to give birth, issi and alex having sex in a cupboard and some guy exploding his seedy seedy insides all over merediths face, but i have to say the best bit was when bailey named her son george, which just was such a beautiful moment that i had to console myself with a piece of chocolate cake that was roughly the same size as my head.
ok
fine
two pieces
Saturday, August 19, 2006
top ten
top ten things that I (after trying them all) have realised a human should never do
10. Believe someone when they tell you that foam packing is made from corn, and eat half a box of it
9. Put a plastic tupperware container of mashed potato in the microwave for 25 minutes and forget about it
8. Choose economics
7. Try to remove fake tan with nail-polish remover
6. Try to remove fake tan with hair bleach
5. Try to remove fake tan with chlorine for the pool
4. Attempt to get changed inside a sleeping bag in the dark
3. Trust catherine trew
2. Let it slip that you watch big brother
and the number one thing that I (after doing them all) have realised a human should never do?
1. laugh when your favourite teacher shows you a picture of their boyfriend
Friday, August 18, 2006
Roof Attack
another thing i just realised.
that another being in my house is trying to attack me.
like every night when im about to go to sleep i hear this banging on the roof above my head, in the attic thing that no one can get into. and i wonder...what is this thing living in my roof that is surely coming to kill me in the night?
so i asked mummy. and she said
its a possum you silly girl
and i said
its not a possum! its gollum! gollum i tell you!!
so then she decided to ignore me because of my insistence that a character from a fantasy novel was living in our roof space and plotting my death as we speak.
but whatever.
she just cant see what is right in front of her. and when i wake up dead because Gollum has escaped from our roof and killed me in the night, she will be sorry, so sorry, and she will say
oh, if only i had believed jacki when she said it was gollum, and not just assumed that it was crazy talk, as i always do, because, you know, its jacki
and i will say (from the grave)
thats right mum
and gollum will say (from the roof)
you're next, jane trew
and mum will say
aw crap
that another being in my house is trying to attack me.
like every night when im about to go to sleep i hear this banging on the roof above my head, in the attic thing that no one can get into. and i wonder...what is this thing living in my roof that is surely coming to kill me in the night?
so i asked mummy. and she said
its a possum you silly girl
and i said
its not a possum! its gollum! gollum i tell you!!
so then she decided to ignore me because of my insistence that a character from a fantasy novel was living in our roof space and plotting my death as we speak.
but whatever.
she just cant see what is right in front of her. and when i wake up dead because Gollum has escaped from our roof and killed me in the night, she will be sorry, so sorry, and she will say
oh, if only i had believed jacki when she said it was gollum, and not just assumed that it was crazy talk, as i always do, because, you know, its jacki
and i will say (from the grave)
thats right mum
and gollum will say (from the roof)
you're next, jane trew
and mum will say
aw crap
MSPA
well i just got back from mspa which was eventful, first we got to see kiera, who was renamed the crip, and has now been renamed super crip because of her leg, which looked very bionic and cool.
then also we got to watch the year sevens dance their little dances and shake their little underdeveloped booties since they havent hit puberty yet (sparking our whole row to start shaking our fists and yell out "just wait, one day you'll have hips too!")
also good was the number of people in the show who sang or made references about songs from high school musical, it was excellent.
then in the interval emmy came to visit me and give me a disgusting packet of seedy squishy lollies that she bought without realising how seedy and squishy they were i guess, but since she gave them to me i ate them.
then we watched the second half of the show which was good, but not as good, because one group danced to that heinous heinous technological futuristic frog song or whatever its called, which shouldnt even be called a song since there is no real music in it, its just some loser who has a lot of time and too much know-how about computers.
but then tash made the second half good with her drum playing in the last act, and it was so beautiful i wept with passion at her drum banging, truly there has never been a better drum banger than tash.
anyway then i came home and blogged for you milli, so you should love me and comment because you love my blog so much and obviously i love you otherwise i wouldnt have blogged.
even though i probably would have anyway. but this is a special milli blog :)
tata my darlings, im off to do something unproductive!
then also we got to watch the year sevens dance their little dances and shake their little underdeveloped booties since they havent hit puberty yet (sparking our whole row to start shaking our fists and yell out "just wait, one day you'll have hips too!")
also good was the number of people in the show who sang or made references about songs from high school musical, it was excellent.
then in the interval emmy came to visit me and give me a disgusting packet of seedy squishy lollies that she bought without realising how seedy and squishy they were i guess, but since she gave them to me i ate them.
then we watched the second half of the show which was good, but not as good, because one group danced to that heinous heinous technological futuristic frog song or whatever its called, which shouldnt even be called a song since there is no real music in it, its just some loser who has a lot of time and too much know-how about computers.
but then tash made the second half good with her drum playing in the last act, and it was so beautiful i wept with passion at her drum banging, truly there has never been a better drum banger than tash.
anyway then i came home and blogged for you milli, so you should love me and comment because you love my blog so much and obviously i love you otherwise i wouldnt have blogged.
even though i probably would have anyway. but this is a special milli blog :)
tata my darlings, im off to do something unproductive!
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
shower attack
i had a feeling, just now.
you know.
when you're in the shower and you feel like you're about to be attacked.
i got that feeling.
i mean. i could practically hear the Phsyco theme music.
im pretty sure, i mean i cant say definitely, but im pretty sure..
theres a collection of molted hair festering just under the plug hole in my shower.
its huge. its hairy. its mad. its alive.
and its coming to get me.
seriously. like every time ive had a shower in the last week, the bottom of the shower fills up with water even though most of its going down the plug hole.
which makes me think BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUMMMMM
the molted hair monster is blocking the plug hole and trying to get through and shred me to pieces!
OH
MY
GOSH
ok...
IM ABOUT TO GET KILLED BY MY OWN HAIR.
or rather, someone elses hair, since i never molt my own hair, since that would be just plain seedy.
also if i had molted that much hair, i would be bald.
seriously. this thing is big.
i can hear it gurgling in glee everytime i go into the bathroom.
its plotting my death I tell you!! someone has to help me!!!
oh no, all this exitement about being stalked by a ball of hair has got my bladder all riled up and now i need to pee, but i cant go into the bathroom because the hair-savage will get me and i will die!! but if i stay here and dont pee, i will die from lack of..of..peeing!!
so again, ive got myself into a situation where, no matter what i do, im going to end up dead.
why does that keep happening?
you know.
when you're in the shower and you feel like you're about to be attacked.
i got that feeling.
i mean. i could practically hear the Phsyco theme music.
im pretty sure, i mean i cant say definitely, but im pretty sure..
theres a collection of molted hair festering just under the plug hole in my shower.
its huge. its hairy. its mad. its alive.
and its coming to get me.
seriously. like every time ive had a shower in the last week, the bottom of the shower fills up with water even though most of its going down the plug hole.
which makes me think BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUMMMMM
the molted hair monster is blocking the plug hole and trying to get through and shred me to pieces!
OH
MY
GOSH
ok...
IM ABOUT TO GET KILLED BY MY OWN HAIR.
or rather, someone elses hair, since i never molt my own hair, since that would be just plain seedy.
also if i had molted that much hair, i would be bald.
seriously. this thing is big.
i can hear it gurgling in glee everytime i go into the bathroom.
its plotting my death I tell you!! someone has to help me!!!
oh no, all this exitement about being stalked by a ball of hair has got my bladder all riled up and now i need to pee, but i cant go into the bathroom because the hair-savage will get me and i will die!! but if i stay here and dont pee, i will die from lack of..of..peeing!!
so again, ive got myself into a situation where, no matter what i do, im going to end up dead.
why does that keep happening?
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
cat and baisy's home movies
for all you randoms who like watching me do random crap in real life, now you can do it without me, in the privacy of your own home
just scroll to the very bottom of my blog for all the crazy home movies you could ever want.
new movies added every couple of days!
so grab the popcorn, sit back, and enjoy.
its normal people
its normal crap
...
but we've got a video camera
just scroll to the very bottom of my blog for all the crazy home movies you could ever want.
new movies added every couple of days!
so grab the popcorn, sit back, and enjoy.
its normal people
its normal crap
...
but we've got a video camera
heinousday
well today was absolutely heinous in every way possible.
- i had gym at 645 in the morning and when i tried to go to the toilet Whalley attacked me and made me do 50 sit ups which just put more pressure on my bladder and made me want to go to the toilet even more, which i hate
- i had ancient first and as if that isnt bad enough, we had The Boof as a sub, and she gave me the evil eye all morning, praying that i would do something wrong so she could rip out my jugular vein or something. then when she left, we had the equally revolting mrs wonwan woman or whatever her name is, who likes to terrify people by sidling up behind them and then randomly trying to chime into their conversations
- i missed out on a totally good party at lunch becoz i had to stay in at lunch to do dt (now thats what i call dedication) and i didnt really seem to get anything done at all, except cut my pattern out wrong and spill a whole box of pins onto my lap
- emmy screamed at me like 10 times in modern, which, while probably justifiable, is also just plain mean, especially since i already explained to her that she should be extra nice to me since the rest of the teachers so obviously want to kill me and hack my body into a thousand tiny pieces, or implant a bazooka into me like that guy on Greys Anatomy so id explode so hard that there wouldnt even be bits of jacki left, it would just be a red mist
- i lost my pen. which was just probably the suckiest bit of the day because I NEED MY PEN
dammit. tomorrow better be good otherwise im going to set fire to the boof.
haha NO
so basically today we had that whole talk
you know
'girls, its that special time, that time of your lives when you become the leaders of the school, yadda yadda yadda, and we want you to remember that being a prefect isnt about being popular, its about being able to put up with all the crap we make you do because we cant be bothered to get off our fannies and do it ourselves yadda yadda yadda, and you should know that once you get into year 12 its not just the prefects who're the leaders, its all of you girls because we love you all and care about you all, yadda yadda yadda'
right. i am so sure.
like she even knows my name.
she probably has some scanning system, like those robots you see on tv sometimes.
like..
scanning....(sees Julia)
prefect material. approach target
(sees Hani)
prefect material. approach target
(sees Lauren)
prefect material. approach target
(sees Jacki)
system overload. uncontrollable student. seek target and destroy.
pfft. whatever. like i am so going to sign myself up for that after last time.
oh, and after her little speech about how being a prefect can be "a very lonely time"
you know
'girls, its that special time, that time of your lives when you become the leaders of the school, yadda yadda yadda, and we want you to remember that being a prefect isnt about being popular, its about being able to put up with all the crap we make you do because we cant be bothered to get off our fannies and do it ourselves yadda yadda yadda, and you should know that once you get into year 12 its not just the prefects who're the leaders, its all of you girls because we love you all and care about you all, yadda yadda yadda'
right. i am so sure.
like she even knows my name.
she probably has some scanning system, like those robots you see on tv sometimes.
like..
scanning....(sees Julia)
prefect material. approach target
(sees Hani)
prefect material. approach target
(sees Lauren)
prefect material. approach target
(sees Jacki)
system overload. uncontrollable student. seek target and destroy.
pfft. whatever. like i am so going to sign myself up for that after last time.
oh, and after her little speech about how being a prefect can be "a very lonely time"
Saturday, August 12, 2006
coming soon...
the only thing this blog didnt have
and now its here
HOLD YOUR BREATH AND MAKE SURE YOUR UNDIES DONT FALL DOWN BECAUSE..
...
(drum roll)
...
JACKIS BLOG NOW HAS HOME MOVIES!
stay tuned for more
and now its here
HOLD YOUR BREATH AND MAKE SURE YOUR UNDIES DONT FALL DOWN BECAUSE..
...
(drum roll)
...
JACKIS BLOG NOW HAS HOME MOVIES!
stay tuned for more
the worst thing about being sick is the addictions.
and that sounds crazy, but well, i am crazy, SO SHUT UP!
take the following conversation (i seem to do conversations alot), between me and catherine, not long ago.
catherine: im going downstairs. you want anything?
me: rub
catherine: what?
me: RUB!
catherine: are you on crack?
me: I NEED MORE RUB!! MORE RUB!
catherine: thats it! IM CUTTING YOU OFF FROM THE VICKS VAPOUR RUB!
me: please, no!
aw crap. she hid the vicks. its my only comfort.
vick, where are you? i miss you!
i miss your scent. i miss your laugh.
vick, when this is all over, i think you, me, and emmy should get an apartment together.
p.s
congratulations, me, on my 250th post.
and that sounds crazy, but well, i am crazy, SO SHUT UP!
take the following conversation (i seem to do conversations alot), between me and catherine, not long ago.
catherine: im going downstairs. you want anything?
me: rub
catherine: what?
me: RUB!
catherine: are you on crack?
me: I NEED MORE RUB!! MORE RUB!
catherine: thats it! IM CUTTING YOU OFF FROM THE VICKS VAPOUR RUB!
me: please, no!
aw crap. she hid the vicks. its my only comfort.
vick, where are you? i miss you!
i miss your scent. i miss your laugh.
vick, when this is all over, i think you, me, and emmy should get an apartment together.
p.s
congratulations, me, on my 250th post.
Friday, August 11, 2006
calling all ivan milats
ok.
so i was just watching tv and i saw this ad for Swiss Stainless knives which completely freaked me out because it was practically begging people to become the next ivan milat.
WHICH EVERYONE KNOWS IS EMMYS JOB. which she will initiate with the senseless murder of me and beth, and possibly casey.
anyway. this is how it went:
tv: Are your knives blunt?
me: No
tv: Are you sick and tired of not being able to cut your soft tomatoes?
me: Not really
tv: Well here's the solution! New Swiss Stainless knives have a double cerated edge and NEVER NEED TO BE SHARPENED!
me: Ok..
tv: They can cut through ANYTHING! from metal pipes...to cauliflower...to peoples necks...
me: (starting to pay attention) What?
tv: And if you're not 100% satisfied, send them back, and we'll replace them...WITH MORE KILLER KNIVES!!
me: argh!
tv: And look at the huge range we have! (Shows footage of a wooden chopping board covered with 5 different knives).
me: oh what the
tv: And if you order now, you'll get the super extended pack! (Shows footage of a wooden chopping board covered with 10 different knives, a pair of scissors, and something that looks suspiciously like the hook from I Know What You Did Last Summer).
me: aaaaah!
tv: But thats not all! Call in the next 34 seconds, and you'll get the deluxe super extended limited edition pack! (Shows footage of two of the super extended packs next to each other).
me: HOLY CRAP!
tv: And its only $79.95!
me: ONLY $79.95???
tv: Thats right! $800 worth of lethal weapons for only $79.95!
me: baaaaaah!!! (runs out of room)
catherine: idiot
so i was just watching tv and i saw this ad for Swiss Stainless knives which completely freaked me out because it was practically begging people to become the next ivan milat.
WHICH EVERYONE KNOWS IS EMMYS JOB. which she will initiate with the senseless murder of me and beth, and possibly casey.
anyway. this is how it went:
tv: Are your knives blunt?
me: No
tv: Are you sick and tired of not being able to cut your soft tomatoes?
me: Not really
tv: Well here's the solution! New Swiss Stainless knives have a double cerated edge and NEVER NEED TO BE SHARPENED!
me: Ok..
tv: They can cut through ANYTHING! from metal pipes...to cauliflower...to peoples necks...
me: (starting to pay attention) What?
tv: And if you're not 100% satisfied, send them back, and we'll replace them...WITH MORE KILLER KNIVES!!
me: argh!
tv: And look at the huge range we have! (Shows footage of a wooden chopping board covered with 5 different knives).
me: oh what the
tv: And if you order now, you'll get the super extended pack! (Shows footage of a wooden chopping board covered with 10 different knives, a pair of scissors, and something that looks suspiciously like the hook from I Know What You Did Last Summer).
me: aaaaah!
tv: But thats not all! Call in the next 34 seconds, and you'll get the deluxe super extended limited edition pack! (Shows footage of two of the super extended packs next to each other).
me: HOLY CRAP!
tv: And its only $79.95!
me: ONLY $79.95???
tv: Thats right! $800 worth of lethal weapons for only $79.95!
me: baaaaaah!!! (runs out of room)
catherine: idiot
the real voldemort
you know what i realised today, when i was lying in bed and reached for something to look at and the first thing my hand came across was the second harry potter book?
voldemort.
is 66.
thats right. the snake-face freako guy who we're all supposed to be terrified of is practically old enough to be my great grandfather.
no wonder hes so crusty.
well how am i supposed to take the book seriously now! how can i, when the guy who is supposed to strike fear in all our hearts IS AN OLD PERSON?????
voldemort.
is 66.
thats right. the snake-face freako guy who we're all supposed to be terrified of is practically old enough to be my great grandfather.
no wonder hes so crusty.
well how am i supposed to take the book seriously now! how can i, when the guy who is supposed to strike fear in all our hearts IS AN OLD PERSON?????
Thursday, August 10, 2006
addicted to sucky tv
so
i just watched the last episode of lost.
and it sucked.
just like every other episode of lost.
ooh, the suspense! i cant wait till february! only 6 months until the next season of unresolved plotlines and characters which didnt make sense in the first place!
i mean. did they really think we'd forget about that whole polar-bear thing??
i just watched the last episode of lost.
and it sucked.
just like every other episode of lost.
ooh, the suspense! i cant wait till february! only 6 months until the next season of unresolved plotlines and characters which didnt make sense in the first place!
i mean. did they really think we'd forget about that whole polar-bear thing??
back to school, back to school
well im still dying, im practically coughing up bile, well i would be if i knew what bile was, but i dont.
BUT i have decided to probably return to school tomorrow because i heard emmy made me some sort of inflatible treat, i dont know what that means but it sounds tantalising so im there.
anyway because obviously i havent been able to blog for like 3 days because ive been unconcious for the most part of the last 73 hours ill blog now for all you blog-addicts who have had "blog withdrawals" and have "missed me with the passion of a desert windstorm" - according to gemma.
so ill return to school (probably unless when i wake up dead in the morning) for modern but that means that ill probably also have to endure ancient which wont be so pleasant and i would actually rather die than see mitcheys face, but then if i stay home and spend another day without emmy and vandy i will also die, so either way im going to end up dead.
which is actually kind of funny.
BUT i have decided to probably return to school tomorrow because i heard emmy made me some sort of inflatible treat, i dont know what that means but it sounds tantalising so im there.
anyway because obviously i havent been able to blog for like 3 days because ive been unconcious for the most part of the last 73 hours ill blog now for all you blog-addicts who have had "blog withdrawals" and have "missed me with the passion of a desert windstorm" - according to gemma.
so ill return to school (probably unless when i wake up dead in the morning) for modern but that means that ill probably also have to endure ancient which wont be so pleasant and i would actually rather die than see mitcheys face, but then if i stay home and spend another day without emmy and vandy i will also die, so either way im going to end up dead.
which is actually kind of funny.
Monday, August 07, 2006
OHMIGOSH i just realised i have so totally forgotten to blog about how crappy my sister is at arguing.
and seriously.
julia can testify to this.
so the first time we were arguing it was about sport...
catherine: so anyway i have training this afternoon
julia: oh what training?
catherine: um, hockey. gosh how could u not know that?
jacki: well we dont do school sport
julia: yeah so we dont know much about it
catherine: but dont you know anything? like dont you know that hockey is on the same term as netball? i mean, you guys do netball!
julia: yeah but we dont do it with the school
jacki: yeah we're in a different competition
catherine: but wait, shut up! dont you listen in assembly?
jacki and julia: um, no
catherine: but dont you have friends who do school sport?
jacki: well yeah.
julia: but none of them do hockey
catherine: well then its your problem
jacki: but you're the one who has a problem with us not knowing
catherine: ohmigosh i so totally do not! what are you even talking about?
jacki and julia: (giving each other confused looks)
then catherine asked me about something in my maths book which she had borrowed from me...
catherine: hey, what chapter are you guys up to in maths?
jacki: um, ten. i think
catherine: ok (pause). So what does this mean?
jacki: I dont know
catherine: well, its in chapter six. if you're up to chapter ten, you should know it.
jacki: well maybe we didnt do it. or maybe I didnt do it, remember I havent been in general maths the whole time.
catherine: yeah but havent you caught up?!
jacki: well, a little, but i have more important things to do, like modern (that one was for you emmy ;))
catherine: um, well then you suck
jacki: excuse me. if you're in year 12, then shouldnt you know it anyway? thats year 11 work
catherine: um, shut up, no i shouldnt know it because i wasnt in general maths the whole time either you know!
jacki: well you've been in it for longer than me. and if you're so concerned with people catching up on their work, shouldnt you have caught up on yours too?
catherine: um, shut up! its totally different for me anyway.
jacki: sigh
then this most recent one when catherine wanted to watch It Takes Two...
jacki: (watching It Takes Two) This show sucks! (Changes channel)
catherine: Ohmigosh, i was so watching that. (Unplugs the foxtel and changes the channel on the wrong remote so that an extremely fuzzy image of It Takes Two comes up on the screen and im unable to change the channel)
jacki: Um. If you want to watch it that badly..
catherine: shut up!
jacki: If you want to watch it that badly, just plug the foxtel back in and ill change it back to channel 7
catherine: Um. no
jacki: But dont you want to watch It Takes Two?
catherine: I am.
jacki: But dont you want the image to be clear not all fuzzy like that?
catherine: No, i like it like this.
jacki: But...
catherine: shut up!
jacki: Dont you realise how much of an idiot you are?
catherine: Dont you have anything better to do with your time?
jacki: Dont you?
catherine: no i dont!
OHMIGOSH
...
OHMIGOSH!
and seriously.
julia can testify to this.
so the first time we were arguing it was about sport...
catherine: so anyway i have training this afternoon
julia: oh what training?
catherine: um, hockey. gosh how could u not know that?
jacki: well we dont do school sport
julia: yeah so we dont know much about it
catherine: but dont you know anything? like dont you know that hockey is on the same term as netball? i mean, you guys do netball!
julia: yeah but we dont do it with the school
jacki: yeah we're in a different competition
catherine: but wait, shut up! dont you listen in assembly?
jacki and julia: um, no
catherine: but dont you have friends who do school sport?
jacki: well yeah.
julia: but none of them do hockey
catherine: well then its your problem
jacki: but you're the one who has a problem with us not knowing
catherine: ohmigosh i so totally do not! what are you even talking about?
jacki and julia: (giving each other confused looks)
then catherine asked me about something in my maths book which she had borrowed from me...
catherine: hey, what chapter are you guys up to in maths?
jacki: um, ten. i think
catherine: ok (pause). So what does this mean?
jacki: I dont know
catherine: well, its in chapter six. if you're up to chapter ten, you should know it.
jacki: well maybe we didnt do it. or maybe I didnt do it, remember I havent been in general maths the whole time.
catherine: yeah but havent you caught up?!
jacki: well, a little, but i have more important things to do, like modern (that one was for you emmy ;))
catherine: um, well then you suck
jacki: excuse me. if you're in year 12, then shouldnt you know it anyway? thats year 11 work
catherine: um, shut up, no i shouldnt know it because i wasnt in general maths the whole time either you know!
jacki: well you've been in it for longer than me. and if you're so concerned with people catching up on their work, shouldnt you have caught up on yours too?
catherine: um, shut up! its totally different for me anyway.
jacki: sigh
then this most recent one when catherine wanted to watch It Takes Two...
jacki: (watching It Takes Two) This show sucks! (Changes channel)
catherine: Ohmigosh, i was so watching that. (Unplugs the foxtel and changes the channel on the wrong remote so that an extremely fuzzy image of It Takes Two comes up on the screen and im unable to change the channel)
jacki: Um. If you want to watch it that badly..
catherine: shut up!
jacki: If you want to watch it that badly, just plug the foxtel back in and ill change it back to channel 7
catherine: Um. no
jacki: But dont you want to watch It Takes Two?
catherine: I am.
jacki: But dont you want the image to be clear not all fuzzy like that?
catherine: No, i like it like this.
jacki: But...
catherine: shut up!
jacki: Dont you realise how much of an idiot you are?
catherine: Dont you have anything better to do with your time?
jacki: Dont you?
catherine: no i dont!
OHMIGOSH
...
OHMIGOSH!
oh me oh my oh yes!
so im looking around peoples myspaces to see what all the fuss is about and i see that on pats myspace he has completed some sort of quiz.
so im scrolling down reading the answers to the questions and i come across the question
do you stalk people?
and his answer was
im not jacki
...
*clapps with glee*
im famous!
(www.myspace.com/ppaattoo) if u want proof
so im scrolling down reading the answers to the questions and i come across the question
do you stalk people?
and his answer was
im not jacki
...
*clapps with glee*
im famous!
(www.myspace.com/ppaattoo) if u want proof
total sucko
well today was pretty uneventful
probably the best thing that happened to me was when i was walking past the middle school lawn and i saw this bird taking in a bath in one of those giant holes in the grass that had filled with water.
yeah. that was pretty good.
i didnt even get to enjoy my time with shanny seeings as she totally barred me the first time i saw her (but as this happens every time i see her so i didnt really notice her hating me) and then in modern she decided to hate me some more.
i dont know what it is about me and teachers. i mean obviously im a complete angel, so why do they hate me so much?
oh well.
dont worry emmy, all is forgiven.
probably the best thing that happened to me was when i was walking past the middle school lawn and i saw this bird taking in a bath in one of those giant holes in the grass that had filled with water.
yeah. that was pretty good.
i didnt even get to enjoy my time with shanny seeings as she totally barred me the first time i saw her (but as this happens every time i see her so i didnt really notice her hating me) and then in modern she decided to hate me some more.
i dont know what it is about me and teachers. i mean obviously im a complete angel, so why do they hate me so much?
oh well.
dont worry emmy, all is forgiven.
Friday, August 04, 2006
bare-assed (again)
well today was pretty normal until my dad decided that he needed me and catherine to come down to the sailing club with him and carry some old boat around and then attach it to the trailer.
so that worked pretty successfully so while my dad was tying the boat to the trailer he told me and catherine to go lock up the shed, which has one of those rolly-doors like u get on a garage, but instead of having a remote control, you have to pull it down yourself.
so i was being the helpful daughter and reaching up to pull it down, and then something else got pulled down, but it wasnt the rolly-door, it was my pants, and i wasnt pulling them down, catherine was.
so there i was, naked from the waist down in front of pretty much anyone who lives on the lane cove river, and i thought hey.
this feels pretty familiar.
so then i chased catherine around and tried to pull down her pants (remembering to pull my own up about half-way through the chase) and we both ended up ass-down in a pile of mud which felt oh so bad, yet oh so good at the same time.
so that worked pretty successfully so while my dad was tying the boat to the trailer he told me and catherine to go lock up the shed, which has one of those rolly-doors like u get on a garage, but instead of having a remote control, you have to pull it down yourself.
so i was being the helpful daughter and reaching up to pull it down, and then something else got pulled down, but it wasnt the rolly-door, it was my pants, and i wasnt pulling them down, catherine was.
so there i was, naked from the waist down in front of pretty much anyone who lives on the lane cove river, and i thought hey.
this feels pretty familiar.
so then i chased catherine around and tried to pull down her pants (remembering to pull my own up about half-way through the chase) and we both ended up ass-down in a pile of mud which felt oh so bad, yet oh so good at the same time.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
shakespeare in love
i have never felt so violated as when i watched that shakespeare in love movie yesterday in extension.
seriously.
like every second scene is sex. and when there isnt sex, you can TOTALLY tell that EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER is thinking about when theyre going to have sex next, and who it will be with.
how dirty.
so dirty.
how dirty are all the english teachers.
i swear its all they think about. all of our teachers actually.
i mean think about it.
room with a view, inspector rex, and now this???
is this some sort of plot to turn us all into prostis? or do they just enjoy seeing us (well, ok, me) screaming in fear at the sight of some old man getting it on with a 17th century whore.
seriously.
like every second scene is sex. and when there isnt sex, you can TOTALLY tell that EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER is thinking about when theyre going to have sex next, and who it will be with.
how dirty.
so dirty.
how dirty are all the english teachers.
i swear its all they think about. all of our teachers actually.
i mean think about it.
room with a view, inspector rex, and now this???
is this some sort of plot to turn us all into prostis? or do they just enjoy seeing us (well, ok, me) screaming in fear at the sight of some old man getting it on with a 17th century whore.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
pfft, old people
i mean.
parents.
come on.
werent they ever young?? dont they remember what its like to go to school, or have a social life, or bend over without breaking a rib?
like my mum (more commonly known as marge)
seriously. whats with her and not liking me having my door closed. IM JUST DOING MY HOMEWORK.
DOES SHE REALLY WANT ME TO FAIL THE HSC AND END UP A HOBO ON THE STREET LIKE MISCHA BARTON AFTER SHE QUIT THE OC!???
she like knocks on the door and im like "oh mummy im just working diligently like i do in modern"
and shes like "BAISYYYYYY!! IM RESPECTING YOUR PRIVACY AS A TEENAGER BY KNOCKING, BUT EXERTING MY AUTHORITY AS YOUR PARENT BY COMING IN ANYWAAAAAY!!" and then practically bashes down the door with her vaccuum cleaner or something.
parents.
come on.
werent they ever young?? dont they remember what its like to go to school, or have a social life, or bend over without breaking a rib?
like my mum (more commonly known as marge)
seriously. whats with her and not liking me having my door closed. IM JUST DOING MY HOMEWORK.
DOES SHE REALLY WANT ME TO FAIL THE HSC AND END UP A HOBO ON THE STREET LIKE MISCHA BARTON AFTER SHE QUIT THE OC!???
she like knocks on the door and im like "oh mummy im just working diligently like i do in modern"
and shes like "BAISYYYYYY!! IM RESPECTING YOUR PRIVACY AS A TEENAGER BY KNOCKING, BUT EXERTING MY AUTHORITY AS YOUR PARENT BY COMING IN ANYWAAAAAY!!" and then practically bashes down the door with her vaccuum cleaner or something.
THE END OF THE WORST DAY EVER
this day has been THE WORST DAY
first of all i already knew it was going to be crap because as soon as i left the house i realised i was wearing THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE PAIR OF UNDIES that i own.
then my bus was late to the station because so many old people kept getting on and then, i dont know, like dropping their travel ten on the floor, then bending down to pick it up and knocking over their walking frame or whatever.
then when we finally got to school i realised it was going to be THE WORST DAY OF THE WHOLE CYCLE because:
a) we didnt have modern
b) we didnt have dt
c) we have double english extension while everyone else gets a free
anyway so it was lunchtime and so far i was surviving because you know, christian studies was a bludge and maths had been fun (we discovered that mr ob makes his lunches the same way as spesh), but now, oh now it was time for economics which i totally dont understand a single word of so i just sit there with my eyes all glazed over and nodding occasionally. so todays economics was pretty much just like any economics.
well.
after that i was walking to extension and i saw emmy and waved hysterically and she averted her eyes and cringed at the thought that i was near her, but i think, I THINK, i saw her fingers wiggle a little.
ohmigosh. THATS RIGHT
SHE WAVED AT ME.
then after that we got to extension and found out that because the teachers feel so sorry for us (since we so majorly sucked hairy balls in our essays on wide sargasso sea) they let us bludge the whole two periods and watch shakespeare in love instead.
then when i got home i found out we are having mongolian lamb (like my 5th favourite dinner) tonight.
so really this day hasnt turned out so bad after all.
first of all i already knew it was going to be crap because as soon as i left the house i realised i was wearing THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE PAIR OF UNDIES that i own.
then my bus was late to the station because so many old people kept getting on and then, i dont know, like dropping their travel ten on the floor, then bending down to pick it up and knocking over their walking frame or whatever.
then when we finally got to school i realised it was going to be THE WORST DAY OF THE WHOLE CYCLE because:
a) we didnt have modern
b) we didnt have dt
c) we have double english extension while everyone else gets a free
anyway so it was lunchtime and so far i was surviving because you know, christian studies was a bludge and maths had been fun (we discovered that mr ob makes his lunches the same way as spesh), but now, oh now it was time for economics which i totally dont understand a single word of so i just sit there with my eyes all glazed over and nodding occasionally. so todays economics was pretty much just like any economics.
well.
after that i was walking to extension and i saw emmy and waved hysterically and she averted her eyes and cringed at the thought that i was near her, but i think, I THINK, i saw her fingers wiggle a little.
ohmigosh. THATS RIGHT
SHE WAVED AT ME.
then after that we got to extension and found out that because the teachers feel so sorry for us (since we so majorly sucked hairy balls in our essays on wide sargasso sea) they let us bludge the whole two periods and watch shakespeare in love instead.
then when i got home i found out we are having mongolian lamb (like my 5th favourite dinner) tonight.
so really this day hasnt turned out so bad after all.
laurens rage
so yesterday in p.e kiery and discovered something very intruiging about our good friend lauren.
well apparently it must be pretty cold in berowra or something because when we were getting changed (well, when lauren was getting changed because me and kiera are bludgers) (well when lauren was getting changed and kiera wasnt getting changed because she had a legitimate excuse and i wasnt getting changed because im a bludger), we noticed that lauren was wearing.
a singlet
her school shirt
a vest
a jumper
a blazer
AND a scarf.
which of course is hilarious so kiera and me proceeded to steal laurens vest and roll it up into a ball and throw it over her head to everyone else until she got so mad that she went into some sort of crazy Lauren Rage and spear tackled hanni even though hanni didnt even HAVE her vest.
so while kiera and i were still laughing over the vest and showing it to everyone else, lauren had hanni in a headlock and was pinning her up against the wall.
which was amusing.
and then later, when lauren finally got her vest back from us, she folded it up until it was small enough to put in her pocket so that we couldnt get it.
so then we stole her jumper, and while she was distracted by that, we stole her vest right out of her pocket and then she got so angry and confused she started whipping kiera with her jumper and trying to grab back the vest.
i mean.
these berowrians.
theyre so weird
well apparently it must be pretty cold in berowra or something because when we were getting changed (well, when lauren was getting changed because me and kiera are bludgers) (well when lauren was getting changed and kiera wasnt getting changed because she had a legitimate excuse and i wasnt getting changed because im a bludger), we noticed that lauren was wearing.
a singlet
her school shirt
a vest
a jumper
a blazer
AND a scarf.
which of course is hilarious so kiera and me proceeded to steal laurens vest and roll it up into a ball and throw it over her head to everyone else until she got so mad that she went into some sort of crazy Lauren Rage and spear tackled hanni even though hanni didnt even HAVE her vest.
so while kiera and i were still laughing over the vest and showing it to everyone else, lauren had hanni in a headlock and was pinning her up against the wall.
which was amusing.
and then later, when lauren finally got her vest back from us, she folded it up until it was small enough to put in her pocket so that we couldnt get it.
so then we stole her jumper, and while she was distracted by that, we stole her vest right out of her pocket and then she got so angry and confused she started whipping kiera with her jumper and trying to grab back the vest.
i mean.
these berowrians.
theyre so weird
yesterday afternoon
mum: hi, how was your day
me: oh fine
mum: how did the cake go?
me: good. it was yum
mum: ew.
me: what?
mum: nothing. did everyone like it?
me: i think so. like the whole year knew about it.
mum: how embarrassing for you.
man. even my own mum is embarrassed about me.
me: oh fine
mum: how did the cake go?
me: good. it was yum
mum: ew.
me: what?
mum: nothing. did everyone like it?
me: i think so. like the whole year knew about it.
mum: how embarrassing for you.
man. even my own mum is embarrassed about me.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
big brother
so last night was the finale of big brother and of course i watched it (*ducks to avoid flying projectiles from classmates*)
the best bit was when Jamie and Michael and stuff were all together and watching videos of when Jamie and Katie were in love and it was so romantic and Jamie was like crying and then suddenly Katie came out and he was like maaauuuuulllll and mauled her and they like hugged and kissed and i was like oh how sad is it that im watching this horse shit.
anyway then i was talking to Cieny and apparently Jamie was like saying about how he didnt know if he still wanted to be with Katie once he left the house, probably because he became closer friends with Krystal who has breast implants.
also because you know, theyre trapped in a house which is like 1 metre squared and hes a 22 year old male so hes probably as horny as a bull on heat.
anyway.
im going to stop talking about how i watch big brother now to avoid being hacked to death by my friends, because you know, that honour is saved for Ivan Milat
the best bit was when Jamie and Michael and stuff were all together and watching videos of when Jamie and Katie were in love and it was so romantic and Jamie was like crying and then suddenly Katie came out and he was like maaauuuuulllll and mauled her and they like hugged and kissed and i was like oh how sad is it that im watching this horse shit.
anyway then i was talking to Cieny and apparently Jamie was like saying about how he didnt know if he still wanted to be with Katie once he left the house, probably because he became closer friends with Krystal who has breast implants.
also because you know, theyre trapped in a house which is like 1 metre squared and hes a 22 year old male so hes probably as horny as a bull on heat.
anyway.
im going to stop talking about how i watch big brother now to avoid being hacked to death by my friends, because you know, that honour is saved for Ivan Milat
Monday, July 31, 2006
hated by the boof
well
i have further proof that all the teachers hate me.
today, on vandi, when we were in the middle of our daily ritual of throwing empty poppers and apple cores at each other, mainly directed at lauren due to her suggestion that we go to south australia for schoolies (which is just ridiculous because we'd probably all get killed by backpacker killers, which you know, would be funny for the first five seconds but for the rest of the time would just be total sucko), and in her defence, lauren threw one of the poppers over the brick wall and into the garden.
anyway
unfortunately for lauren, while she was throwing the popper over the wall, the boof just happened to be walking past, and she saw.
so of course she abandoned her stroll in the playground to come stand on vandi and find out who threw the popper, and well i guess it wasnt so unfortunate for lauren because she didnt even to bother finding out who threw it she just pointed at me and went...
Was that YOU jacki trew?
and of course because it wasnt me i said
NO
and then she just stood and looked disbelievingly at me, probably hoping that i would start weeping or something so that she could feel satisfied at having filled her daily quota of making students cry in fear.
seriously
all teachers hate me
i have further proof that all the teachers hate me.
today, on vandi, when we were in the middle of our daily ritual of throwing empty poppers and apple cores at each other, mainly directed at lauren due to her suggestion that we go to south australia for schoolies (which is just ridiculous because we'd probably all get killed by backpacker killers, which you know, would be funny for the first five seconds but for the rest of the time would just be total sucko), and in her defence, lauren threw one of the poppers over the brick wall and into the garden.
anyway
unfortunately for lauren, while she was throwing the popper over the wall, the boof just happened to be walking past, and she saw.
so of course she abandoned her stroll in the playground to come stand on vandi and find out who threw the popper, and well i guess it wasnt so unfortunate for lauren because she didnt even to bother finding out who threw it she just pointed at me and went...
Was that YOU jacki trew?
and of course because it wasnt me i said
NO
and then she just stood and looked disbelievingly at me, probably hoping that i would start weeping or something so that she could feel satisfied at having filled her daily quota of making students cry in fear.
seriously
all teachers hate me
the un-fertile
so anyway. today hannah became the second last person in our group to turn fertile..
the last person being me.
so of course we all went crazy and started screaming and throwing food (which we would later regret as vandi was inspected by the boof) and planning hannahs pink party which will take place tomorrow and involve party hats and pink jelly beans and a cake shaped like a tampon.
oh how joyous.
and then we all enjoyed julia singing her version of "baron sharon" and inventing a fertility initiation dance for hannah and a rejection dance for me.
which will be fun.
the last person being me.
so of course we all went crazy and started screaming and throwing food (which we would later regret as vandi was inspected by the boof) and planning hannahs pink party which will take place tomorrow and involve party hats and pink jelly beans and a cake shaped like a tampon.
oh how joyous.
and then we all enjoyed julia singing her version of "baron sharon" and inventing a fertility initiation dance for hannah and a rejection dance for me.
which will be fun.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
theyre after me
ok.
it seems like every day i can add someone new to the list of people who want to kill me.
list so far?
it seems like every day i can add someone new to the list of people who want to kill me.
list so far?
- Emmy
- Ivan Milat
- Spiders
- That Selig woman
- My bus driver
- The staff at Apple Computers
- Those magpies in the park
- Catherine
- Any person who has ever heard me sing
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
my own stalker
yes.
well what im really looking forward to is the tv special on tonight at 8.30 on channel 7: Ivan Milat, Born to Kill.
you know. despite the fact that when i walked home today i totally had to walk right past the VERY SAME SPOT that some IVAN MILAT COPY-CAT brutally KILLED someone.
and then right after that i had to walk right past the VERY GOLF COURSE where some person got killed by SOME OTHER IVAN MILAT LOOK-ALIKE.
then when i got home i had to walk into my house which is right down the street from longueville road where SOME OLD LADY GOT BASHED RIGHT OUTSIDE HER FRONT DOOR BY THE GRANNY KILLER.
you know. all of that. plus the fact that I was voted "most likely to be killed by Ivan Milat", plus the fact that he is probably seeking revenge on me at this very moment after all those jokes I made in his expense, plus the fact that I am a perfect target on account of my clumsiness, inability to run when being chased, and infamous granny-hands.
but other than that.
i am so taping it.
well what im really looking forward to is the tv special on tonight at 8.30 on channel 7: Ivan Milat, Born to Kill.
you know. despite the fact that when i walked home today i totally had to walk right past the VERY SAME SPOT that some IVAN MILAT COPY-CAT brutally KILLED someone.
and then right after that i had to walk right past the VERY GOLF COURSE where some person got killed by SOME OTHER IVAN MILAT LOOK-ALIKE.
then when i got home i had to walk into my house which is right down the street from longueville road where SOME OLD LADY GOT BASHED RIGHT OUTSIDE HER FRONT DOOR BY THE GRANNY KILLER.
you know. all of that. plus the fact that I was voted "most likely to be killed by Ivan Milat", plus the fact that he is probably seeking revenge on me at this very moment after all those jokes I made in his expense, plus the fact that I am a perfect target on account of my clumsiness, inability to run when being chased, and infamous granny-hands.
but other than that.
i am so taping it.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
my reluctant return to school - part 2
well today was heinous in everyway possible except for modern because modern is my reason for existance and emmy is the apple of my eye.
but everything else was total sucko because well i found out we have to hand in both our historical investigations in like less than two weeks and i havent started either of them.
also that i have an extension essay tomorrow on the comparison of two books, neither of which i have bothered to read.
also that i have an economics essay due on thursday, which i read the question for, and then thought to myself...
"how did i go my entire life without learning any of those words?"
but most of that was made up for by the few seconds i have each day to view the hilarity in kiera struggling to get up the stairs on her crutches.
but everything else was total sucko because well i found out we have to hand in both our historical investigations in like less than two weeks and i havent started either of them.
also that i have an extension essay tomorrow on the comparison of two books, neither of which i have bothered to read.
also that i have an economics essay due on thursday, which i read the question for, and then thought to myself...
"how did i go my entire life without learning any of those words?"
but most of that was made up for by the few seconds i have each day to view the hilarity in kiera struggling to get up the stairs on her crutches.
Monday, July 24, 2006
my reluctant return to school - part 1
phew
i so almost just had a heart attack because
a) tomorrow is the first day of school
b) its a tuesday
c) there is a fifty percent chance that i will have p.e
d) there is a fifty percent chance that i will have to face that woman
but luckily for me there is no p.e until thursday, so i have at least 2 days to concoct some lame excuse as to why i dont have p.e shorts, as well as to concoct some lame excuse as to why it is illegal for p.e teachers to lynch their students.
i so almost just had a heart attack because
a) tomorrow is the first day of school
b) its a tuesday
c) there is a fifty percent chance that i will have p.e
d) there is a fifty percent chance that i will have to face that woman
but luckily for me there is no p.e until thursday, so i have at least 2 days to concoct some lame excuse as to why i dont have p.e shorts, as well as to concoct some lame excuse as to why it is illegal for p.e teachers to lynch their students.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
home and away
i finally realised why its so hard for people to understand what the hell is going on with home and away
(and this is only current characters plus a few randoms)
alf was married to ailsa and was in love with the gov, who went to gaol with dani, who dated scott, the son of beth, who was married to rhys who married shelley, the mother of dani, and now loves tony, the father of jack who is married to martha, best friend of tasha who is married to robbie the son of beth, and is having a baby with jonah. scott loves hayley, the sister of will who married gypsy. hayley was married to noah who was killed by sarah, who was thought to be related to zoe, who dated kim, who is now dating rachel, the sister of brad who has a crush on sally, who was married to flynn. flynn kissed leah who was married to vinnie and had a son with him named vj, and is now married to dan who was married to amanda, mother of belle and ryan. belle lives with irene, who loved paris and barry, who had a fling with beth and is the father of kim, who is engaged to rachel. belle used to date ric, who is dating cassie, who dated macca, the brother of martha. cassie is best friends with maddie, who loves lucas who kissed lee, who is having a baby with mr brayburn.
and that will probably change completely by next week
(and this is only current characters plus a few randoms)
alf was married to ailsa and was in love with the gov, who went to gaol with dani, who dated scott, the son of beth, who was married to rhys who married shelley, the mother of dani, and now loves tony, the father of jack who is married to martha, best friend of tasha who is married to robbie the son of beth, and is having a baby with jonah. scott loves hayley, the sister of will who married gypsy. hayley was married to noah who was killed by sarah, who was thought to be related to zoe, who dated kim, who is now dating rachel, the sister of brad who has a crush on sally, who was married to flynn. flynn kissed leah who was married to vinnie and had a son with him named vj, and is now married to dan who was married to amanda, mother of belle and ryan. belle lives with irene, who loved paris and barry, who had a fling with beth and is the father of kim, who is engaged to rachel. belle used to date ric, who is dating cassie, who dated macca, the brother of martha. cassie is best friends with maddie, who loves lucas who kissed lee, who is having a baby with mr brayburn.
and that will probably change completely by next week
serial electronic killer
oh
my
gosh
i swear.
i have the worst luck with electronics in the world.
like seriously. i am like the serial electronic killer. i AM the serial electronic killer!!
ok. a timeline of my career as a murderer of electronic goods:
my first phone: i had it for 6 months then i had to get it replaced. then it went ok for almost a year. then i think the insides melted.
my second phone: probably my fault for buying it off ebay, but hey, i thought if it works for Bubs itll work for me. no such luck. it was ok for like 4 months then it screwed up.
our computer: was fine until i used it one time to print something. the next day it had been sent away for repairs
my laptop: fine for 10 months then the ram exploded or something so i got it fixed, then 3 days (i kid you not, 3 days) later the fan broke and the hard-drive started to melt or something. fixed again.
my ipod: i had it for 12 months then it stopped working so i got it replaced. 3 months later it stopped working again so i got it replaced again. 3 weeks later it stopped working again so i got it replaced again. this time the replacement didnt even start working. currently on my fourth replacement.
my third phone: had it for about 3 weeks and it stopped working. got it replaced. stopped working a week ago. not yet replaced.
so people, warn your electronics. keep them away from me.
my
gosh
i swear.
i have the worst luck with electronics in the world.
like seriously. i am like the serial electronic killer. i AM the serial electronic killer!!
ok. a timeline of my career as a murderer of electronic goods:
my first phone: i had it for 6 months then i had to get it replaced. then it went ok for almost a year. then i think the insides melted.
my second phone: probably my fault for buying it off ebay, but hey, i thought if it works for Bubs itll work for me. no such luck. it was ok for like 4 months then it screwed up.
our computer: was fine until i used it one time to print something. the next day it had been sent away for repairs
my laptop: fine for 10 months then the ram exploded or something so i got it fixed, then 3 days (i kid you not, 3 days) later the fan broke and the hard-drive started to melt or something. fixed again.
my ipod: i had it for 12 months then it stopped working so i got it replaced. 3 months later it stopped working again so i got it replaced again. 3 weeks later it stopped working again so i got it replaced again. this time the replacement didnt even start working. currently on my fourth replacement.
my third phone: had it for about 3 weeks and it stopped working. got it replaced. stopped working a week ago. not yet replaced.
so people, warn your electronics. keep them away from me.
Friday, July 21, 2006
rump on the rock
oh oh oh
today was so much fun. even though i totally had to get up early.
so i met Beffi and Mai at chatty and we got on the train and then thought "hey, this train trip will be pretty boring unless we play a joke on someone" so we decided to msg Sair and Gem hu just got on the train behind us and tell them we got on the wrong train and it was expressing to Emu Plains.
Ha
anyway they fully believed us so when we got off at circular quay and met Lollen we made a plan to hide from them, so they would see Lollen by herself and think that we were really in Emu Plains, which would then bring a good laugh for all.
anyway.
the plan was all going exactly to plan until they saw us through the enourmous glass window we were hiding behind.
that hiding spot was so not my idea.
anyway then we all went to the rocks and tried to find pancakes on the rocks, and somehow me Gem and Sair got separated from the others just as it started pouring, and of course we were the ones who didnt have umbrellas.
so we stood around for a while thinking up different ways to attack people and take their umbrellas, and eventually we decided to run up this ramp thing which we hoped would take us to the right place.
by this time it was really raining, so in effect the ramp had kind of turned into a waterslide but we got there eventually, and it was fun becoz we all ordered like the chocolitiest thing on the menu (EXCEPT for sair who ordered vanilla bean curd or something) and laughed at this totally revolting pancake we found on the menu which was like cream cheese rolled in lettuce and wrapped in liquid poo or something equally as revolting and played The Hardest Part by Coldplay on the jukebox and laughed hysterically at the video clip (if you havent seen it you should - its like a car crash: horrifically disturbing, but you are somehow unable to tear your eyes away)
anyway then we looked at the menu and realised, hey, there are just as many other things on this menu as there are pancakes, and so sparked the debate of why it is actually called Pancakes On The Rocks, deliberating whether or not it should be given another name, like Ribs On The Rocks, or (my favourite), Rump On The Rock.
then we went to the pier to go to this art gallery thing and look at all the obscure artworks like this fan that someone had glued hair all over. Or that giant chandelier that we sat in front of for like 15 minutes.
Or that video of some old dude playing a trumpet or something which beth said sounded like "a baby throwing up".
anyway then we began our escapade to get to the pitt street mall which took like a dajillion kajillion bazillion years. and then when we finally got there we were like im bored. lets go home.
so home we went.
and it was good.
today was so much fun. even though i totally had to get up early.
so i met Beffi and Mai at chatty and we got on the train and then thought "hey, this train trip will be pretty boring unless we play a joke on someone" so we decided to msg Sair and Gem hu just got on the train behind us and tell them we got on the wrong train and it was expressing to Emu Plains.
Ha
anyway they fully believed us so when we got off at circular quay and met Lollen we made a plan to hide from them, so they would see Lollen by herself and think that we were really in Emu Plains, which would then bring a good laugh for all.
anyway.
the plan was all going exactly to plan until they saw us through the enourmous glass window we were hiding behind.
that hiding spot was so not my idea.
anyway then we all went to the rocks and tried to find pancakes on the rocks, and somehow me Gem and Sair got separated from the others just as it started pouring, and of course we were the ones who didnt have umbrellas.
so we stood around for a while thinking up different ways to attack people and take their umbrellas, and eventually we decided to run up this ramp thing which we hoped would take us to the right place.
by this time it was really raining, so in effect the ramp had kind of turned into a waterslide but we got there eventually, and it was fun becoz we all ordered like the chocolitiest thing on the menu (EXCEPT for sair who ordered vanilla bean curd or something) and laughed at this totally revolting pancake we found on the menu which was like cream cheese rolled in lettuce and wrapped in liquid poo or something equally as revolting and played The Hardest Part by Coldplay on the jukebox and laughed hysterically at the video clip (if you havent seen it you should - its like a car crash: horrifically disturbing, but you are somehow unable to tear your eyes away)
anyway then we looked at the menu and realised, hey, there are just as many other things on this menu as there are pancakes, and so sparked the debate of why it is actually called Pancakes On The Rocks, deliberating whether or not it should be given another name, like Ribs On The Rocks, or (my favourite), Rump On The Rock.
then we went to the pier to go to this art gallery thing and look at all the obscure artworks like this fan that someone had glued hair all over. Or that giant chandelier that we sat in front of for like 15 minutes.
Or that video of some old dude playing a trumpet or something which beth said sounded like "a baby throwing up".
anyway then we began our escapade to get to the pitt street mall which took like a dajillion kajillion bazillion years. and then when we finally got there we were like im bored. lets go home.
so home we went.
and it was good.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
the education board's plot against me
i swear.
like every teacher in australia hates me.
seriously. like every teacher employed by the board of education has to go through a screening process.
do you have a teaching degree? yes
do you handle emotional situations well? yes
do you hate jacki trew? oh yes
like. the principal to my old school. dude. i think she hated me the most.
or maybe the librarian at my old school. i think she was the devil.
that movie The Omen.
yeah, probably based on her life.
like i went back to my old school today, and while i was there i had to do something that i always do when im there, its like a ritual.
i have to go sit in the foyer and get out all the old school photo albums and laugh at the pictures of my friends in year one and so on.
so im sitting there with maddy, laughing hysterically at my haircut at age 8, then suddenly this woman (who i dont even KNOW, but i assume shes the new principle) comes out and goes
woman: girls!
us: hahahahahahha
woman: girls!
us: hahahahahahha
woman: GIRLS!!
me: yes?
woman: (looking closely at me) Rebecca?
me: what?
woman: REBECCA!!
me: me?
woman: are you Rebecca?
me: um. no
woman: oh. then get out
its so UNFAIR!
but i got them back and then some.
like every teacher in australia hates me.
seriously. like every teacher employed by the board of education has to go through a screening process.
do you have a teaching degree? yes
do you handle emotional situations well? yes
do you hate jacki trew? oh yes
like. the principal to my old school. dude. i think she hated me the most.
or maybe the librarian at my old school. i think she was the devil.
that movie The Omen.
yeah, probably based on her life.
like i went back to my old school today, and while i was there i had to do something that i always do when im there, its like a ritual.
i have to go sit in the foyer and get out all the old school photo albums and laugh at the pictures of my friends in year one and so on.
so im sitting there with maddy, laughing hysterically at my haircut at age 8, then suddenly this woman (who i dont even KNOW, but i assume shes the new principle) comes out and goes
woman: girls!
us: hahahahahahha
woman: girls!
us: hahahahahahha
woman: GIRLS!!
me: yes?
woman: (looking closely at me) Rebecca?
me: what?
woman: REBECCA!!
me: me?
woman: are you Rebecca?
me: um. no
woman: oh. then get out
its so UNFAIR!
but i got them back and then some.
ohmigosh
ohmigosh
ohmigosh
what just happened to me was so good, it may even make it to the top 5 on my "funniest moments of my life" list
i was on msn and then looked at my display picture and thought, hey jacki, thats a pretty crappy display picture, so i decided to change it, so i clicked on the little tab which says click here for options and then i moved my mouse to the line that says change my display picture but WAIT what happened was i thought i moved my mouse to that line, but i accidentally moved my mouse to the line underneath it which says create a dynamic display picture, and when i did, this other list came up, which looked like this:
create a Kiwee Muggin
create a Dynamic Meego
create a Dynamic WeeMee
quebles Display Pictures
AND WHEN I LOOKED AT THE THIRD ONE I THOUGHT IT SAID create a dynamic weewee
and i thought
DYNAMIC WEEWEE?
aha
aahaha
ahahhahahahahahhaa
but then i relalised i was wrong.
but hey. its still pretty funny
ohmigosh
ohmigosh
what just happened to me was so good, it may even make it to the top 5 on my "funniest moments of my life" list
i was on msn and then looked at my display picture and thought, hey jacki, thats a pretty crappy display picture, so i decided to change it, so i clicked on the little tab which says click here for options and then i moved my mouse to the line that says change my display picture but WAIT what happened was i thought i moved my mouse to that line, but i accidentally moved my mouse to the line underneath it which says create a dynamic display picture, and when i did, this other list came up, which looked like this:
create a Kiwee Muggin
create a Dynamic Meego
create a Dynamic WeeMee
quebles Display Pictures
AND WHEN I LOOKED AT THE THIRD ONE I THOUGHT IT SAID create a dynamic weewee
and i thought
DYNAMIC WEEWEE?
aha
aahaha
ahahhahahahahahhaa
but then i relalised i was wrong.
but hey. its still pretty funny
in other words..
what happened when i put the lyrics of "wonderwall" through a theasaurus:
Nowadays is intended to be the sunlight hours (Today is gonna be the day)
That they aim to fling it flipside to you (That theyre gonna throw it back to you)
Already you should've one way or another (By now you should've somehow)
Realized what you have to accomplish (Realized what you gotta do)
I don't accept as true that any person (I dont believe that anybody)
Endures the way I do about you now (Feels the way I do about you now)
Rear-thump the statement is on the boulevard (Backbeat, the word is on the street)
That the inferno in your aortic pump has been distinguished (That the fire in your heart is out)
I'm certain you've heard it all previously (Im sure you've heard it all before)
But you’ve not at all really had an uncertainty (But you never really had a doubt)
I don't accept as true that any person (I dont believe that anybody)
Endures the way I do about you now (Feels the way I do about you now)
And every highway we have to saunter along is meandering (And all the roads we have to walk are winding)
And all the illuminations that escort us there make it impossible to see (And all the lights that lead the way are blinding)
There are countless things that I would (There are many things that I would)
Like to pronounce to you (Like to say to you)
But I cannot identify how (But I dont know how)
Because perhaps (Coz maybe)
You're gonna be the lone soul that hoards me (You're gonna be the one that saves me)
And subsequent to the entire (And after all)
You're my marvel-fence (You're my wonder-wall)
Nowadays is intended to be the sunlight hours (Today is gonna be the day)
That they aim to fling it flipside to you (That theyre gonna throw it back to you)
Already you should've one way or another (By now you should've somehow)
Realized what you have to accomplish (Realized what you gotta do)
I don't accept as true that any person (I dont believe that anybody)
Endures the way I do about you now (Feels the way I do about you now)
Rear-thump the statement is on the boulevard (Backbeat, the word is on the street)
That the inferno in your aortic pump has been distinguished (That the fire in your heart is out)
I'm certain you've heard it all previously (Im sure you've heard it all before)
But you’ve not at all really had an uncertainty (But you never really had a doubt)
I don't accept as true that any person (I dont believe that anybody)
Endures the way I do about you now (Feels the way I do about you now)
And every highway we have to saunter along is meandering (And all the roads we have to walk are winding)
And all the illuminations that escort us there make it impossible to see (And all the lights that lead the way are blinding)
There are countless things that I would (There are many things that I would)
Like to pronounce to you (Like to say to you)
But I cannot identify how (But I dont know how)
Because perhaps (Coz maybe)
You're gonna be the lone soul that hoards me (You're gonna be the one that saves me)
And subsequent to the entire (And after all)
You're my marvel-fence (You're my wonder-wall)
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
eight legged freaks
(in the shower)
Jacki: (singing) I'm washin my hair, its feelin good, I'm washin my hair oooh baby yeah
Spider: (On the ceiling above my head) Hisssss
Jacki: What was that?!
Spider: Hisssss
Jacki: (Grabbing bar of soap for protection) I'm warning you! I have a weapon!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: (Looks up and sees spider) AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: (Running out of bathroom) Catherine! Catherine! Help me!
Catherine: What the hell?
Jacki: I'm being attacked! Help! There's a spider!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: See??!! Didn't you hear that?
Catherine: I didn't hear anything. Just wash it down the drain.
Jacki: I can't! It's on the roof, I can't get to it! Please, help!!! I'm dying!
Catherine: Oh, fine (walks into bathroom and sees spider)
Jacki: See? I told you!!
Catherine: Jacki...this is a daddy long legs
Jacki: It tried to kill me!
Catherine: Oh, fine (Sweeps spider out the door)
Jacki: My hero!
Catherine: Whatever
see? see?!!
THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL ME
Jacki: (singing) I'm washin my hair, its feelin good, I'm washin my hair oooh baby yeah
Spider: (On the ceiling above my head) Hisssss
Jacki: What was that?!
Spider: Hisssss
Jacki: (Grabbing bar of soap for protection) I'm warning you! I have a weapon!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: (Looks up and sees spider) AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: (Running out of bathroom) Catherine! Catherine! Help me!
Catherine: What the hell?
Jacki: I'm being attacked! Help! There's a spider!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: See??!! Didn't you hear that?
Catherine: I didn't hear anything. Just wash it down the drain.
Jacki: I can't! It's on the roof, I can't get to it! Please, help!!! I'm dying!
Catherine: Oh, fine (walks into bathroom and sees spider)
Jacki: See? I told you!!
Catherine: Jacki...this is a daddy long legs
Jacki: It tried to kill me!
Catherine: Oh, fine (Sweeps spider out the door)
Jacki: My hero!
Catherine: Whatever
see? see?!!
THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL ME
yeah laugh it up
there are so many lame things about what im doing right now that i felt compelled to write them down in case anyone needs self-reassurance that they arent the lamest person out there
1. Its 2.46 am
2. Im blogging
3. For the 4th time today
4. I just looked myself up on google
5. And google images
6. Ive actually done more than 70% of the things on my new and improved Cosmo list
7. Because of me, people that dont even go to Roseville, people who dont even go to a girls school, know about Shanny
8. I just wondered how many people would buy a book that was merely a collection of all my blogs
9. Then I considered making that book
10. I watch big brother
11. And big brother uplate
12. I dont know how to turn my alarm off so I get woken up every morning at 615
13. I just realised I dont know what IQ stands for
14. I'm listening to S Club 7
15. I know who S Club 7 are
16. Im freezing cold but too scared to turn my electric blanket on incase it engulfs me in flames
17. Now I'm singing S Club 7 too
18. To my cat
19. Who just ran out of the room
and...
20. No one is going to read this
1. Its 2.46 am
2. Im blogging
3. For the 4th time today
4. I just looked myself up on google
5. And google images
6. Ive actually done more than 70% of the things on my new and improved Cosmo list
7. Because of me, people that dont even go to Roseville, people who dont even go to a girls school, know about Shanny
8. I just wondered how many people would buy a book that was merely a collection of all my blogs
9. Then I considered making that book
10. I watch big brother
11. And big brother uplate
12. I dont know how to turn my alarm off so I get woken up every morning at 615
13. I just realised I dont know what IQ stands for
14. I'm listening to S Club 7
15. I know who S Club 7 are
16. Im freezing cold but too scared to turn my electric blanket on incase it engulfs me in flames
17. Now I'm singing S Club 7 too
18. To my cat
19. Who just ran out of the room
and...
20. No one is going to read this
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
top ten
Top 10 song lyrics that are just plain bad
10. "I might like you better if we slept together" - Vandalism, Never Say Never
9. "Walking down the street, something caught my eye, a growing epidemic that really ain't fly. A middle-aged lady, I gotta be blunt - her spandex biker pants were creeping up the front" - Fannypack, Camel Toe
8. "Am I original? Yeah! Am I the only one? Yeah! Am I sexual? Yeah! Am I everything you need, you better rock your body now" - Backstreet Boys, Everybody
7. "Baby cant you see? How these clothes are fittin' on me, and the heat coming from this beat. I'm about to blow, and I dont think you know" - Pussycat Dolls, Buttons
6. "Old school sounds, coming down blasting. All the homies in the house, you know they be maxin'. Coolin' out with style like back in the days, representing the skills, putting suckers in their place" - Bomfunk MCs, B boys and fly girls
5. "I got the rolly on my arm and I'm pouring Chandon. And I roll the best weed cause I got it going on" - Snoop Dogg, Drop it like its hot
4. "She had dumps like a truck truck truck. Thighs like what what what. Baby move your butt butt butt, uh, I think to sing it again. She had dumps like a truck truck truck. Thighs like what what what, all night long - Let me see that thong" - Sisqo, The Thong Song
3. "And I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky I'll be there. I swear like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there. For better or worse, till death do us part, I'll love you with every beat of my heart. And I swear" - All-4-One, I swear
2. "Since I'm already screwed, here's a message to you: My heart's wide open. I'm just not getting through to the lover in you " - Paris Hilton, Screwed
1. "Last night I was inside of you. Last night, while making love to you, I saw the sun, the moon, the mountains and the rivers. I saw heaven when I made sweet love to you" - Az Yet, Last night
the oc
i had a thought.
since everyone knows that marissa is going to die on the oc (and well if you didnt, you do know) what they should do is, they should rewrite the last episode so that she doesnt die, and then all the marissa-hater clubs could all go and stand outside the gates to the oc, because i imagine its one of those places that you cant get into unless you have a black credit card and a sophisticated name like Ophelia or Sanford, and hold up signs that say things like
Marissa Schamissa, and
We love Summer, and
Kill the whore! You promised!!
i mean. i would pay to see that.
pfft, no i wouldnt.
since everyone knows that marissa is going to die on the oc (and well if you didnt, you do know) what they should do is, they should rewrite the last episode so that she doesnt die, and then all the marissa-hater clubs could all go and stand outside the gates to the oc, because i imagine its one of those places that you cant get into unless you have a black credit card and a sophisticated name like Ophelia or Sanford, and hold up signs that say things like
Marissa Schamissa, and
We love Summer, and
Kill the whore! You promised!!
i mean. i would pay to see that.
pfft, no i wouldnt.
Monday, July 17, 2006
moderno
im having serious modern withdrawals
i miss it! i miss you modern!
i need modern like you need Digestrol if you suffer from bloating, cramps and explosive diarrhea
i miss it! i miss you modern!
i need modern like you need Digestrol if you suffer from bloating, cramps and explosive diarrhea
Sunday, July 16, 2006
jacki vs cosmo - the showdown
Cosmo's list of 20 so-satisfying things to do in private
- Drink your flatmate's red wine and then refill what you drank with water (hoping she won't take a swig before you've had time to replace it with the real thing)
- Do the dance moves you did when you were out last night in the mirror, to see if you were as sexy as you thought
- Pout in the mirror to see what you'd look like if you could afford to get your lips plumped up like Angelina Jolie
- Fantasise about what you'd say to your boyfriend if you caught him in mid-pash with another girl
- Download your entire Cold Chisel collection on to your iPod and give it the codename "Ministry of Sound Annual"
- Google your boyfriend's ex (and wish you hadn't when you find out she's a swimwear model)
- Google yourself and get peeved when you find out all the other "yous" are more successful
- Wear filthy tracksuit pants for the 11th night in a row
- Pluck your rogue body hairs...and secretly look forward to when they start sprouting again
- Make crazy diet deals with yourself - like you'll have the magnum today, and live off 5 litres of water and a can of tuna tomorrow
- After buying some new clothes, put on some music and do a catwalk show for yourself, trying them on with other items in your wardrobe (full face of makeup required)
- Try on your bikini in the depths of winter so you can see how pasty and wrong you look in it
- Drop your flatmate's toothbrush in the toilet, then put it back in the holder
- Fart and burb. Loudly
- Accidentally scrape your Ford Laser's door against a gleaming new Mercedes SLK, then drive away
- Discover that you are tamponless, so construct a DIY sanitary pad from a wad of toilet paper, securing it to your knicker crotch with more loo role
- Drop food on the kitchen floor, but because you haven't broken the three second rule, eat it anyway
- Scroll through your boyfriends "recieved calls" list while he's in the shower
- Promise to dry-clean a friends dress, but just put it in an old plastic dry-cleaners bag
- Write out the guest list for your wedding, even though you dont have a boyfriend
Jacki's *NEW AND IMPROVED* list of 20 so-satisfying things to do in private
- Make your own Boost out of one blueberry, a spoonful of strawberry yogurt, and half a tub of icecream, then claim its "healthy" - because its a Boost!
- Do dance moves in front of the mirror. Not to see if you were sexy. Just for kicks
- Stand in front of the mirror and pretend your mouth is a cave, and your tongue is a crazy worm trying to escape from it
- Fantasise about what Kate Bosworth would say if she found you in mid-pash with Orlando Bloom
- Finally get over the fact that you have Spice Girls in the most played list on your iPod, and stop trying to hide it from everyone
- Google "Emmy Shanahan"
- Google "(your name) and Emmy Shanahan"
- To save time, shower in your filthy tracksuit pants - you can clean yourself and your clothes at the same time
- Sit and think about all the places that hair could grow from on a human body
- Laugh at people who make crazy diet deals with themselves, then eat what amounts to the entire candy-rack at 7/11
- After buying some new clothes, put on some music and do a catwalk show for yourself, completely naked, and wonder why you bought the clothes
- Run down the street in a skin-coloured bikini screaming "streaker! STREAKER!"
- Drop your sister's toothbrush in the toilet. Leave it there
- Fart and burb. Quietly for a change
- Accidentally-on-purpose write "vagina" all over the whiteboard in your modern history classroom
- Fill a bathtub with water, then chuck in a box of tampons and watch them go!
- Drop food on Vandi, then come back after the weekend, realise its still there, and eat it
- Talk to the people on your sister's msn list while she's in the shower
- Promise your mum that you'll clean your room, but instead just sweep everything under the bed
- Re-write Cosmo articles
Saturday, July 15, 2006
what IS it?
im talking about the hideous creation you see below this post.
...its actually unclear to me what this...piece of clothing? is.
i mean. it looks like she rolled out of bed in her billowing nightie, wrapped her bedsheets around her waist a couple of times, combed a tube of car grease through her hair, rolled her sleeves up a little and thought to herself before leaving the house..
"hey...i should probably wear matching wooden bracelets on each wrist...yeah, that will look awesome"
congratulations, whoever you are.
uve brought new meaning to the word hideous
...its actually unclear to me what this...piece of clothing? is.
i mean. it looks like she rolled out of bed in her billowing nightie, wrapped her bedsheets around her waist a couple of times, combed a tube of car grease through her hair, rolled her sleeves up a little and thought to herself before leaving the house..
"hey...i should probably wear matching wooden bracelets on each wrist...yeah, that will look awesome"
congratulations, whoever you are.
uve brought new meaning to the word hideous
my triumphant return to sydney!!
OHMIGOSH I AM SO BACK ITS NOT FUNNY
so sucked in to all the people in queensland because guess what??
...
...
I AM SO NOT THERE ANYMORE!!
which is probably better for them because all day long they were probably thinking, who is this crazy girl, this girl, who keeps wandering past the internet cafe and looking longingly at the computers as if she would very much like to come in and do something on the internet, possibly post a blog on her website www.jackiiscrazy.blogspot.com?
but of course i had to leave so i could come home and do all the stuff that i missed doing while i was away and needed to do so very badly like blog and stalk emmy
speaking of emmy, i should get back to that
until 5 seconds from now!!!
jacki
so sucked in to all the people in queensland because guess what??
...
...
I AM SO NOT THERE ANYMORE!!
which is probably better for them because all day long they were probably thinking, who is this crazy girl, this girl, who keeps wandering past the internet cafe and looking longingly at the computers as if she would very much like to come in and do something on the internet, possibly post a blog on her website www.jackiiscrazy.blogspot.com?
but of course i had to leave so i could come home and do all the stuff that i missed doing while i was away and needed to do so very badly like blog and stalk emmy
speaking of emmy, i should get back to that
until 5 seconds from now!!!
jacki
Friday, July 07, 2006
give me manly men any day of the week
ok.
i had to spoil the dramatic exit because julia julia and i were just talking about how much womanly men SUCK because i mean how are you supposed to survive with a womanly man?
its just stupid!
if something happens and suddenly the world goes back to the stone age, do you think its going to be the womenly men who are hunting and gathering for the women-folk?
i dont think so! no! because they will be too busy getting their nails done, and singing in musicals!
(and this is in no way intending to dishonour the people in high school musical)
so what we really need to do is look for the manly men, because really, they are the manly ones, and if you suddenly break your legs half way up mt everest, it is going to be a manly man who carries you to the top.
like kim from home and away. i swear, he is lost in the bush for like one day, and grows a beard. now thats what i call manliness! yes kim! yes! more! more facial hair, you beast of a man!
go hunt wild deer for us kim! go! take your manly beard and hunt like a MAN!
now i must leave.
i love you all long time!
i had to spoil the dramatic exit because julia julia and i were just talking about how much womanly men SUCK because i mean how are you supposed to survive with a womanly man?
its just stupid!
if something happens and suddenly the world goes back to the stone age, do you think its going to be the womenly men who are hunting and gathering for the women-folk?
i dont think so! no! because they will be too busy getting their nails done, and singing in musicals!
(and this is in no way intending to dishonour the people in high school musical)
so what we really need to do is look for the manly men, because really, they are the manly ones, and if you suddenly break your legs half way up mt everest, it is going to be a manly man who carries you to the top.
like kim from home and away. i swear, he is lost in the bush for like one day, and grows a beard. now thats what i call manliness! yes kim! yes! more! more facial hair, you beast of a man!
go hunt wild deer for us kim! go! take your manly beard and hunt like a MAN!
now i must leave.
i love you all long time!
goodbye my lovers
ok.
this is it people. my last post for seven whole days, not including the rest of today.
i know.
its heart-wrenching.
how will you survive without me and my incoherant rambling for a whole week?
but you can make it. because the love between me and my readers will last forever, because we never let go even though we say we wont, and we never hog entire doors which could hold at least two people when we're all treading water together in the freezing atlantic ocean, fighting for survival after our five star cruise liner has sunk after making devestating contact with an iceberg.
so Beffy, Janey, Julia, anyone else who reads my blog (sorry if i didnt mention your name but its your own fault for NOT LEAVING ANY COMMENTS), goodbye my lovers.
and i know the person who will be most upset by my departure is emmy, because obviously, she will be without a stalker for a week.
but dont worry emmy, ill be back next saturday, and ill stalk you twice as much to make up for lost time.
this is it people. my last post for seven whole days, not including the rest of today.
i know.
its heart-wrenching.
how will you survive without me and my incoherant rambling for a whole week?
but you can make it. because the love between me and my readers will last forever, because we never let go even though we say we wont, and we never hog entire doors which could hold at least two people when we're all treading water together in the freezing atlantic ocean, fighting for survival after our five star cruise liner has sunk after making devestating contact with an iceberg.
so Beffy, Janey, Julia, anyone else who reads my blog (sorry if i didnt mention your name but its your own fault for NOT LEAVING ANY COMMENTS), goodbye my lovers.
and i know the person who will be most upset by my departure is emmy, because obviously, she will be without a stalker for a week.
but dont worry emmy, ill be back next saturday, and ill stalk you twice as much to make up for lost time.
a.b.c?
i just realised
there are like a dillion abbreviations in the world that i dont know the meaning of.
like you know how people shorten things so theyre just like a couple of letters you say?
like instead of saying the club for people who love and stalk emmy shanahan, you can just say TCFPWLASES
anyway. there are like a dillion of those that i say all the time and i actually dont know what they mean.
like spf
or raaf
or quantas
or tlc
or nerd
or awa
or anz
there are like a dillion abbreviations in the world that i dont know the meaning of.
like you know how people shorten things so theyre just like a couple of letters you say?
like instead of saying the club for people who love and stalk emmy shanahan, you can just say TCFPWLASES
anyway. there are like a dillion of those that i say all the time and i actually dont know what they mean.
like spf
or raaf
or quantas
or tlc
or nerd
or awa
or anz
today for the first time ever, I...
realised that all my faithful blog viewers (which amounts to pretty much Jane and Beth) wont be able to read about my life for a whole week starting tomorrow
its time for my date with orlando bloom!
my love for orlando bloom has officially been rekindled.
for all of you who watched troy with me in ancient and constantly payed him out for the whole movie, saying things like:
"OHmigosh its just a little fleshwound u wuss!"
"Thats right, run back to daddy and your big brother"
"Id tap that...if only he had a penis"
well times have changed my friends and if u see pirates 2, you will too die from too many orgasms because he is so dashing.
in the words of mitchey - "if only he'd reply to my letters"
for all of you who watched troy with me in ancient and constantly payed him out for the whole movie, saying things like:
"OHmigosh its just a little fleshwound u wuss!"
"Thats right, run back to daddy and your big brother"
"Id tap that...if only he had a penis"
well times have changed my friends and if u see pirates 2, you will too die from too many orgasms because he is so dashing.
in the words of mitchey - "if only he'd reply to my letters"
marge trew
and i kid you not.
today.
in coles.
we were looking at the new simpsons enviro bags. you know, the ones that are like the green coles bags, except they are yellow and have a picture of a simpsons character on them?
well my mum (who i get bagged out for, because im constantly doing impersonations of her that sound like marge simpson) looks straight at the bag that has a picture of marge on it, and goes (and i quote):
"hey look! its me!"
and buys it.
i tell you, im not the only odd one in this family
today.
in coles.
we were looking at the new simpsons enviro bags. you know, the ones that are like the green coles bags, except they are yellow and have a picture of a simpsons character on them?
well my mum (who i get bagged out for, because im constantly doing impersonations of her that sound like marge simpson) looks straight at the bag that has a picture of marge on it, and goes (and i quote):
"hey look! its me!"
and buys it.
i tell you, im not the only odd one in this family
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