its a best seller, im telling you 

the education board's plot against me

i swear.

like every teacher in australia hates me.
seriously. like every teacher employed by the board of education has to go through a screening process.
do you have a teaching degree? yes
do you handle emotional situations well? yes
do you hate jacki trew? oh yes

like. the principal to my old school. dude. i think she hated me the most.
or maybe the librarian at my old school. i think she was the devil.
that movie The Omen.
yeah, probably based on her life.

like i went back to my old school today, and while i was there i had to do something that i always do when im there, its like a ritual.
i have to go sit in the foyer and get out all the old school photo albums and laugh at the pictures of my friends in year one and so on.
so im sitting there with maddy, laughing hysterically at my haircut at age 8, then suddenly this woman (who i dont even KNOW, but i assume shes the new principle) comes out and goes

woman: girls!
us: hahahahahahha
woman: girls!
us: hahahahahahha
woman: GIRLS!!
me: yes?
woman: (looking closely at me) Rebecca?
me: what?
woman: REBECCA!!
me: me?
woman: are you Rebecca?
me: um. no
woman: oh. then get out

its so UNFAIR!
but i got them back and then some.

ohmigosh
ohmigosh
ohmigosh

what just happened to me was so good, it may even make it to the top 5 on my "funniest moments of my life" list

i was on msn and then looked at my display picture and thought, hey jacki, thats a pretty crappy display picture, so i decided to change it, so i clicked on the little tab which says click here for options and then i moved my mouse to the line that says change my display picture but WAIT what happened was i thought i moved my mouse to that line, but i accidentally moved my mouse to the line underneath it which says create a dynamic display picture, and when i did, this other list came up, which looked like this:

create a Kiwee Muggin
create a Dynamic Meego
create a Dynamic WeeMee
quebles Display Pictures

AND WHEN I LOOKED AT THE THIRD ONE I THOUGHT IT SAID create a dynamic weewee
and i thought
DYNAMIC WEEWEE?
aha
aahaha
ahahhahahahahahhaa

but then i relalised i was wrong.

but hey. its still pretty funny

in other words..

what happened when i put the lyrics of "wonderwall" through a theasaurus:

Nowadays is intended to be the sunlight hours (Today is gonna be the day)
That they aim to fling it flipside to you (That theyre gonna throw it back to you)
Already you should've one way or another (By now you should've somehow)
Realized what you have to accomplish (Realized what you gotta do)
I don't accept as true that any person (I dont believe that anybody)
Endures the way I do about you now (Feels the way I do about you now)

Rear-thump the statement is on the boulevard (Backbeat, the word is on the street)
That the inferno in your aortic pump has been distinguished (That the fire in your heart is out)
I'm certain you've heard it all previously (Im sure you've heard it all before)
But you’ve not at all really had an uncertainty (But you never really had a doubt)
I don't accept as true that any person (I dont believe that anybody)
Endures the way I do about you now (Feels the way I do about you now)

And every highway we have to saunter along is meandering (And all the roads we have to walk are winding)
And all the illuminations that escort us there make it impossible to see (And all the lights that lead the way are blinding)
There are countless things that I would (There are many things that I would)
Like to pronounce to you (Like to say to you)
But I cannot identify how (But I dont know how)

Because perhaps (Coz maybe)
You're gonna be the lone soul that hoards me (You're gonna be the one that saves me)
And subsequent to the entire (And after all)
You're my marvel-fence (You're my wonder-wall)

That Time I Met...Orlando Bloom (in my dreams)

Jacki: Wanna make out?
Orlando: Kay

THE END

That time i met orlando bloom 

eight legged freaks

(in the shower)
Jacki: (singing) I'm washin my hair, its feelin good, I'm washin my hair oooh baby yeah
Spider: (On the ceiling above my head) Hisssss
Jacki: What was that?!
Spider: Hisssss
Jacki: (Grabbing bar of soap for protection) I'm warning you! I have a weapon!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: (Looks up and sees spider) AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: (Running out of bathroom) Catherine! Catherine! Help me!
Catherine: What the hell?
Jacki: I'm being attacked! Help! There's a spider!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: See??!! Didn't you hear that?
Catherine: I didn't hear anything. Just wash it down the drain.
Jacki: I can't! It's on the roof, I can't get to it! Please, help!!! I'm dying!
Catherine: Oh, fine (walks into bathroom and sees spider)
Jacki: See? I told you!!
Catherine: Jacki...this is a daddy long legs
Jacki: It tried to kill me!
Catherine: Oh, fine (Sweeps spider out the door)
Jacki: My hero!
Catherine: Whatever


see? see?!!
THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL ME

yeah laugh it up

there are so many lame things about what im doing right now that i felt compelled to write them down in case anyone needs self-reassurance that they arent the lamest person out there

1. Its 2.46 am
2. Im blogging
3. For the 4th time today
4. I just looked myself up on google
5. And google images
6. Ive actually done more than 70% of the things on my new and improved Cosmo list
7. Because of me, people that dont even go to Roseville, people who dont even go to a girls school, know about Shanny
8. I just wondered how many people would buy a book that was merely a collection of all my blogs
9. Then I considered making that book
10. I watch big brother
11. And big brother uplate
12. I dont know how to turn my alarm off so I get woken up every morning at 615
13. I just realised I dont know what IQ stands for
14. I'm listening to S Club 7
15. I know who S Club 7 are
16. Im freezing cold but too scared to turn my electric blanket on incase it engulfs me in flames
17. Now I'm singing S Club 7 too
18. To my cat
19. Who just ran out of the room
and...
20. No one is going to read this

kate richie, ada nicademou and jacki trew, stars of home and away which airs weekdays at 7pm on channel 7 

top ten

Top 10 song lyrics that are just plain bad

10. "I might like you better if we slept together" - Vandalism, Never Say Never

9. "Walking down the street, something caught my eye, a growing epidemic that really ain't fly. A middle-aged lady, I gotta be blunt - her spandex biker pants were creeping up the front" - Fannypack, Camel Toe

8. "Am I original? Yeah! Am I the only one? Yeah! Am I sexual? Yeah! Am I everything you need, you better rock your body now" - Backstreet Boys, Everybody

7. "Baby cant you see? How these clothes are fittin' on me, and the heat coming from this beat. I'm about to blow, and I dont think you know" - Pussycat Dolls, Buttons

6. "Old school sounds, coming down blasting. All the homies in the house, you know they be maxin'. Coolin' out with style like back in the days, representing the skills, putting suckers in their place" - Bomfunk MCs, B boys and fly girls

5. "I got the rolly on my arm and I'm pouring Chandon. And I roll the best weed cause I got it going on" - Snoop Dogg, Drop it like its hot

4. "She had dumps like a truck truck truck. Thighs like what what what. Baby move your butt butt butt, uh, I think to sing it again. She had dumps like a truck truck truck. Thighs like what what what, all night long - Let me see that thong" - Sisqo, The Thong Song

3. "And I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky I'll be there. I swear like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there. For better or worse, till death do us part, I'll love you with every beat of my heart. And I swear" - All-4-One, I swear

2. "Since I'm already screwed, here's a message to you: My heart's wide open. I'm just not getting through to the lover in you " - Paris Hilton, Screwed

1. "Last night I was inside of you. Last night, while making love to you, I saw the sun, the moon, the mountains and the rivers. I saw heaven when I made sweet love to you" - Az Yet, Last night

the oc

i had a thought.

since everyone knows that marissa is going to die on the oc (and well if you didnt, you do know) what they should do is, they should rewrite the last episode so that she doesnt die, and then all the marissa-hater clubs could all go and stand outside the gates to the oc, because i imagine its one of those places that you cant get into unless you have a black credit card and a sophisticated name like Ophelia or Sanford, and hold up signs that say things like
Marissa Schamissa, and
We love Summer, and
Kill the whore! You promised!!

i mean. i would pay to see that.


pfft, no i wouldnt.

moderno

im having serious modern withdrawals
i miss it! i miss you modern!

i need modern like you need Digestrol if you suffer from bloating, cramps and explosive diarrhea

jacki vs cosmo - the showdown

Cosmo's list of 20 so-satisfying things to do in private

1. Drink your flatmate's red wine and then refill what you drank with water (hoping she won't take a swig before you've had time to replace it with the real thing)
2. Do the dance moves you did when you were out last night in the mirror, to see if you were as sexy as you thought
3. Pout in the mirror to see what you'd look like if you could afford to get your lips plumped up like Angelina Jolie
4. Fantasise about what you'd say to your boyfriend if you caught him in mid-pash with another girl
5. Download your entire Cold Chisel collection on to your iPod and give it the codename "Ministry of Sound Annual"
6. Google your boyfriend's ex (and wish you hadn't when you find out she's a swimwear model)
7. Google yourself and get peeved when you find out all the other "yous" are more successful
8. Wear filthy tracksuit pants for the 11th night in a row
9. Pluck your rogue body hairs...and secretly look forward to when they start sprouting again
10. Make crazy diet deals with yourself - like you'll have the magnum today, and live off 5 litres of water and a can of tuna tomorrow
11. After buying some new clothes, put on some music and do a catwalk show for yourself, trying them on with other items in your wardrobe (full face of makeup required)
12. Try on your bikini in the depths of winter so you can see how pasty and wrong you look in it
13. Drop your flatmate's toothbrush in the toilet, then put it back in the holder
14. Fart and burb. Loudly
15. Accidentally scrape your Ford Laser's door against a gleaming new Mercedes SLK, then drive away
16. Discover that you are tamponless, so construct a DIY sanitary pad from a wad of toilet paper, securing it to your knicker crotch with more loo role
17. Drop food on the kitchen floor, but because you haven't broken the three second rule, eat it anyway
18. Scroll through your boyfriends "recieved calls" list while he's in the shower
19. Promise to dry-clean a friends dress, but just put it in an old plastic dry-cleaners bag
20. Write out the guest list for your wedding, even though you dont have a boyfriend

Jacki's *NEW AND IMPROVED* list of 20 so-satisfying things to do in private

1. Make your own Boost out of one blueberry, a spoonful of strawberry yogurt, and half a tub of icecream, then claim its "healthy" - because its a Boost!
2. Do dance moves in front of the mirror. Not to see if you were sexy. Just for kicks
3. Stand in front of the mirror and pretend your mouth is a cave, and your tongue is a crazy worm trying to escape from it
4. Fantasise about what Kate Bosworth would say if she found you in mid-pash with Orlando Bloom
5. Finally get over the fact that you have Spice Girls in the most played list on your iPod, and stop trying to hide it from everyone
6. Google "Emmy Shanahan"
7. Google "(your name) and Emmy Shanahan"
8. To save time, shower in your filthy tracksuit pants - you can clean yourself and your clothes at the same time
9. Sit and think about all the places that hair could grow from on a human body
10. Laugh at people who make crazy diet deals with themselves, then eat what amounts to the entire candy-rack at 7/11
11. After buying some new clothes, put on some music and do a catwalk show for yourself, completely naked, and wonder why you bought the clothes
12. Run down the street in a skin-coloured bikini screaming "streaker! STREAKER!"
13. Drop your sister's toothbrush in the toilet. Leave it there
14. Fart and burb. Quietly for a change
15. Accidentally-on-purpose write "vagina" all over the whiteboard in your modern history classroom
16. Fill a bathtub with water, then chuck in a box of tampons and watch them go!
17. Drop food on Vandi, then come back after the weekend, realise its still there, and eat it
18. Talk to the people on your sister's msn list while she's in the shower
19. Promise your mum that you'll clean your room, but instead just sweep everything under the bed
20. Re-write Cosmo articles

what IS it?

im talking about the hideous creation you see below this post.

...its actually unclear to me what this...piece of clothing? is.
i mean. it looks like she rolled out of bed in her billowing nightie, wrapped her bedsheets around her waist a couple of times, combed a tube of car grease through her hair, rolled her sleeves up a little and thought to herself before leaving the house..
"hey...i should probably wear matching wooden bracelets on each wrist...yeah, that will look awesome"

congratulations, whoever you are.
uve brought new meaning to the word hideous

What is it? 

my triumphant return to sydney!!

OHMIGOSH I AM SO BACK ITS NOT FUNNY
so sucked in to all the people in queensland because guess what??

...
...
I AM SO NOT THERE ANYMORE!!
which is probably better for them because all day long they were probably thinking, who is this crazy girl, this girl, who keeps wandering past the internet cafe and looking longingly at the computers as if she would very much like to come in and do something on the internet, possibly post a blog on her website www.jackiiscrazy.blogspot.com?

but of course i had to leave so i could come home and do all the stuff that i missed doing while i was away and needed to do so very badly like blog and stalk emmy

speaking of emmy, i should get back to that

until 5 seconds from now!!!
jacki

give me manly men any day of the week

ok.
i had to spoil the dramatic exit because julia julia and i were just talking about how much womanly men SUCK because i mean how are you supposed to survive with a womanly man?
its just stupid!
if something happens and suddenly the world goes back to the stone age, do you think its going to be the womenly men who are hunting and gathering for the women-folk?
i dont think so! no! because they will be too busy getting their nails done, and singing in musicals!
(and this is in no way intending to dishonour the people in high school musical)

so what we really need to do is look for the manly men, because really, they are the manly ones, and if you suddenly break your legs half way up mt everest, it is going to be a manly man who carries you to the top.
like kim from home and away. i swear, he is lost in the bush for like one day, and grows a beard. now thats what i call manliness! yes kim! yes! more! more facial hair, you beast of a man!
go hunt wild deer for us kim! go! take your manly beard and hunt like a MAN!

now i must leave.
i love you all long time!

au revoir!

goodbye my lovers

ok.
this is it people. my last post for seven whole days, not including the rest of today.
i know.
its heart-wrenching.
how will you survive without me and my incoherant rambling for a whole week?
but you can make it. because the love between me and my readers will last forever, because we never let go even though we say we wont, and we never hog entire doors which could hold at least two people when we're all treading water together in the freezing atlantic ocean, fighting for survival after our five star cruise liner has sunk after making devestating contact with an iceberg.
so Beffy, Janey, Julia, anyone else who reads my blog (sorry if i didnt mention your name but its your own fault for NOT LEAVING ANY COMMENTS), goodbye my lovers.

and i know the person who will be most upset by my departure is emmy, because obviously, she will be without a stalker for a week.
but dont worry emmy, ill be back next saturday, and ill stalk you twice as much to make up for lost time.

a.b.c?

i just realised
there are like a dillion abbreviations in the world that i dont know the meaning of.
like you know how people shorten things so theyre just like a couple of letters you say?
like instead of saying the club for people who love and stalk emmy shanahan, you can just say TCFPWLASES
anyway. there are like a dillion of those that i say all the time and i actually dont know what they mean.
like spf
or raaf
or quantas
or tlc
or nerd
or awa
or anz

today for the first time ever, I...

realised that all my faithful blog viewers (which amounts to pretty much Jane and Beth) wont be able to read about my life for a whole week starting tomorrow

its time for my date with orlando bloom!

my love for orlando bloom has officially been rekindled.
for all of you who watched troy with me in ancient and constantly payed him out for the whole movie, saying things like:
"OHmigosh its just a little fleshwound u wuss!"

"Thats right, run back to daddy and your big brother"

"Id tap that...if only he had a penis"
well times have changed my friends and if u see pirates 2, you will too die from too many orgasms because he is so dashing.

in the words of mitchey - "if only he'd reply to my letters"

marge trew

and i kid you not.
today.
in coles.
we were looking at the new simpsons enviro bags. you know, the ones that are like the green coles bags, except they are yellow and have a picture of a simpsons character on them?
well my mum (who i get bagged out for, because im constantly doing impersonations of her that sound like marge simpson) looks straight at the bag that has a picture of marge on it, and goes (and i quote):
"hey look! its me!"
and buys it.

i tell you, im not the only odd one in this family

today for the first time ever, i...

opened one of my ancient text books

so.
soo.
i have this thing. so annoying. so annoying. its like some disease i have which isnt really a disease its just some subconcious thing that i have in the back of my mind, but it actually affects me which is really annoying and now im just rambling.
so everytime my sister chases me (mainly with an aim to hurt me) its like my brain sends a message to my legs to, you know, stop working.
which is quite annoying because you know, when you're running away from someone, all you pretty much want is for your legs to be working. but no. no. nooooo
take this afternoon for instance.
spring rolls. yeah, i know what you're thinking. yuuuum!. well thats what i was thinking too. so when i walked past catherine who was holding a plate with spring rolls on it, my natural instincts told me:
spring rolls! take! eat! NOW!
so i did.
unfortunately for me, catherine sometimes has natural instincts too, and at that moment, hers were saying:
she took a spring roll....DESTROY HER!!
so catherine drops the plate and starts chasing me, and i (being the idiot that i am) head straight for the stairs. now, im half way up when this stupid annoying thing sets in, and my legs just stop working.
now, someone once told me that if you want to run faster, all you have to do is move your arms faster. and i believed them. i learnt today that this theory doesnt work. especially if your legs arent working in the first place.
so there i am, standing still on the 6th step with my arms flailing wildly about me, and catherine looming up behind me, and my parents sitting at the table staring, wondering what they did to deserve such odd children.

today for the first time ever, i...

got toothpaste stuck between the A and Q keys on my computer.

today for the first time ever, i...

watched an entire episode of Good Morning Miami, from start to finish.

jackis ideal home and away episode

my idea of the best home and away episode...

amanda dies, colleen and alf get it on, danni comes back to summer bay, hayley and scott return from overseas, martha and jack have babies, robbie gets run over, cassie and ric turn out to be related, sally gets remarried, ivf works for dan and leah, pete comes back to life but doesnt have a liver and dies again, "zoe" returns, kim and rachel get married, irene and kit get drunk together, belle turns out to be a man, barry burns down the school, tasha gives birth to an alien and miss shanahan guest stars.

its time for my din-dins!

so last night we also went out to dinner which was the SHIZ with me, hanni, beffy, lollen, gem, kat, jordan, sair, mai and ben.
which was super fun even though i could only eat 2/5ths of the food we ordered because most of it would have killed me. but that gave everyone a laugh so it was all good.
after dinner we wandered around chatswood for 2 hours before the movie started, trying to find a replacement vandi, but we couldnt so we just went into gloria jeans and talked about how much we missed emmy. well me and beth did anyway.
well it was pretty much only me.
whatever.
then we went to see stick it which was totally confusing but in a fun way because we made commentary all the way through extremely loudly and im pretty sure that everyone in the cinema wanted to kill us and hack up our bodies when we were done.

its time for luncheon!

OHMIGOSH so today we had lunch at issis with me, issi, juju, madi, luc and mol. and it was so much fun my head almost exploded.
so first we watched julia attempt to, um, fry? eggplant which was hilarious but in the end it looked ok, even though the first thing lucy said wen she saw it was "how did you do that? you even got the sides to burn!"
and then we sat in issi room and confused people on msn with issis disturbing disturbing animations which were DISTURBING to say the least.
after lunch which was YUUUM we went and played foosball and sing star, and i can now confidentally say that i suck at both of them.
then julia sang like a virgin while writhing around on the floor and giving us all fairly disturbing looks from the various, equally disturbing angles that she was positioning herself in on the carpet.
i dont think ive ever been so turned on. except that one time that mr dubya and campy did a dance to dontcha.
that was also hot.

Shower Thoughts#9

the ultimate human would be a cross between Emmy Shanahan and Michael Jackson

A scheme for chocolate

a plan played out by myself, beff and mai about 2 days ago when we'd run out of our own lunch and, finding ourselves still hungry, had gone in search for someone elses.

(from inside the phone room)
Beth: Who's going to call her?
Mai: Not me!
Jacki: No, you do it Beth
Mai: Jacki you do it.
Jacki: No make Beth do it!
Beth: Ok im dialling her number (hits 115)
Jacki: (whispering frantically) What do i say? what do i say??!!
Beth and Mai: (give blank looks)
Voice on phone: Hello, history department.
Jacki: Um hi. Is miss shanahan there?
Voice on phone: Who is speaking please?
Jacki: (trying not to laugh) Um. Its jacki trew
Voice on phone: Ill see if shes here (puts phone down)
Jacki Beth and Mai: (laughing uncontrollably)
Miss Shanahan: Jacki? Are you there?
Jacki: Oh hi Shanny.
Miss Shanahan: What is it?
Jacki: We need to talk to you. its urgent!
Miss Shanahan: (Sounding concerned) Oh, ok. Is it about the historical investigation?
Jacki: (Turning to beth and mai, whispering) She wants to know if its about the historical investigation...
Miss Shanahan: Jacki?
Jacki: (Passing the phone to mai) You talk to her!
Mai: Hi?
Miss Shanahan: What do you guys need?
Mai: We need you to come down!
Miss Shanahan: Sure. Ill be right there
Beth Jacki and Mai: (In hysterics)
Miss Shanahan: (Coming down the stairs) Whats wrong guys?
Beth: We, um. we...
Miss Shanahan: Yep?
Jacki: We need chocolate
Mai: Yeah. Please? You promised us!
Miss Shanahan: Are you serious?
Jacki: What?
Miss Shanahan: You made me walk all the way down here to give you chocolate.
Beth: Please? We ran out of our own lunch, and we're really hungry!
Miss Shanahan: (starts walking up stairs)
Jacki: Are you coming back??
Miss Shanahan: Maybe...

Luckily after we waited for a minute she returned with freddos for all!
and we loved her and she loved us, and there was much rejoycing

The plot of the magpies

Its true.
The magpies are plotting against me.

I tried to be nice. I tried to ignore them. I tried not to eat their eggs.
But thats it. enough is enough!
Everytime i walk home i have to walk through central park (which isnt really the real central park, its just the weeny park next to my house which also has the name central park). And everytime i walk through central park, im a perfect angel. I dont run to fast. I dont walk too slow. I dont throw tennis balls at the old folk. And every time - EVERY SINGLE TIME - I walk through central park, the magpies organise themselves into a diving squadron and bomb me like mini kamakazi acrobats covered in feathers.

no one else. just me.

so at first i thought it was just a coincidence. I thought they were just after my maroon school jumper or something. but no. no no no. because those stupid magpies try to kill me EVERY TIME i walk through that park NO MATTER WHICH outfit im wearing that day.
so.
the magpies are trying to kill me. I can see it in their eyes. I can see the plots they make inside their tiny bird heads.
but I have a plan.
because obviously the magpies arent afraid of me. But they'll probably be afraid of my dads chainsaw.

those magpies are going down.

all the people i stalk own leather coats...


....maybe i should invest in a leather coat

That Time I Met...Buffy Wu

Jacki: Tell us about yourself
Buffy: Why dont you?? arent you one of those year elevens who stalks me?
Jacki: So what if i am?
Buffy: I have to say, even if at first i was a teeny bit flattered, now im just creeped out.
Jacki: Oh admit it. you love being able to boast to all your little year one friends about how everyone in year eleven idolises you
Buffy: Ok. lets just say i am. which im not! doesnt it lower your status a little?
Jacki: How so?
Buffy: Im 6. your 16. you idolise me.
Jacki: Ok i get your point. But we're not stopping.
Buffy: Oh i think i can make you
Jacki: You do, do you? (laughs evilly)
Buffy: What?
Jacki: I have ways of stalking you've never even dreamed about.
Buffy: And what exactly is that supposed to mean?
Jacki: Ask Shanny.
Buffy: Maybe I will
Jacki: Maybe you should just go lick it all up.
Buffy: Lick what up?
Jacki: You know buffy wu. you know


THE END

Nicole Kidman skips town

so.
Nicole Kidman thinks she can get away with this, does she?
you know, even though she has a busy "hollywood star" schedule, you would have thought that she maybe, could, you know, take some time out from her busy timetable, you know, between marrying people and buying mansions and visiting secluded tropical islands, and come see her old house.
wouldnt you?
But no. no no no. obviously this is too much for nicole kidman because she flew off to the bahamas or bora bora or the place where they film lost or wherever her next billion dollar house is being built without even coming to visit me.
which is annoying because i FULLY cleaned my room and i totally put the Moulin Rouge dvd out on display. But NO.

well. well well well.
she isnt going to get away with this.
shes in for some stalking.





right after shanny.

a song for shazza

(to the tune of "the flintstones")
Chorus:
emshaz
shes the emshaz
shes the greatest shaz that there can be

from the
school of roseville
and the greatest thing is she loves me
Verse One:
she can
teach us all kinds of crazy stuff
and her
boyfriends are always really buff
Chorus:
emshaz
shes the emshaz
shes the greatest shaz that there can be

from the
school of roseville
and the greatest thing is she loves me
Verse Two:
she can
tapdance as well as she can walk
and she
is my favourite one to stalk
Chorus:
emshaz
shes the emshaz
shes the greatest shaz that there can
the greatest there can
the greatest shaz that there can be!!!


(if you dont know the flintstones theme listen to it here:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64bXJWjupzE&search=flintstones%20theme

Why Shanny Rocks My World

why The Emshaz rocks Jackis world

• She teaches modern
• She's the youngest teacher in the school
• She keeps the presents we make for her
• She does all the performing arts crap
• Shes the newbie
• She can tap dance
• She likes michael jackson
• She likes High School Musical
• She watches the Disney Channel
• She came to vandi this one time
• She can do the moonwalk
• She laughs at our lame jokes
• She tells us to shut up
• She lets us call her Shanny and Emshaz and Shazza and Emmy and Em and ShizShaz and Shazhole and Shizhole and many other nicknames
• She went in dancing with the staff
• She tries to get angry but it just looks funny
• She has msn
• She talks to us about Timmy and Lukey
• She looks like Yancy
• She tries to pretend she doesnt think she looks like Yancy
• Shes nice to all her brothers and sisters
• She tells us cool stories about her family and cuba and jury duty and crap
• She takes our suggestions, like the one Beth gave her about making a blog, and the one I gave her about watching Dirty Dancing
• Shes easy to stalk
• She gets jealous when I try to stalk other people
• She has a matrix coat
• She knows shes cool
• She helped me pick a modern topic to study
• She reads my blog

and the number one reason why Shanny rocks my world...?

• She finally admitted I rock her world too

top ten

Top Ten Classic and Almost Impossibly Unbelievable Home and Away Plotlines (so far)

10: The one where Hayley tried to make a body mould of Alexei, but the plaster dried and she couldnt get it off and he almost suffocated to death.
9: The one where it turned out that Kirsty and Jade actually werent twins, and Kirstys twin was actually Laura. Then Kirsty got lazy so she got Laura to take the HSC for her.
8: The one where Amanda conducted an adults only photo shoot on Summer Bay Beach.
7: The one Noah tried to seduce Hayley on the beach by saying (and i quote) "ah! my sexy love! i wish you worshipped your body by firelight!" before realising that he was actually serenading none other than Alf Stewert.
6: The one where Sally had sex with Heath Ledger in his caravan.
5: The one where Kirsty got married to the guy who raped her sister.
4: The one where they somehow turned the fact that Mattie got sunburnt into the fact that Flynn was going to die in 3 months of melanoma.
3: The one where Zoe The Stalker died in the factory fire, but wait, no she didnt! It was actually her young accomplice who just happened to have the same hair colour, eye colour, body shape, height and weight as her.
2: The one where Vinnie supposedly died in a gaol fire, but then he came back as part of the witness relocation program and visitied VJ's birthday party dressed as a giant bear.
1: The one where Alf was going to die, so he went shopping for coffins and found a ghost of his dead wife inside of one. Then suddenly, he wasnt going to die anymore!

did i just hear what i thought i heard?

(on an add for laser hair removal)
woman: dont you just hate having hair on your legs and chest?

someone please. tell me im wrong

ode to paul walker

paul walker is hot
i love him alot
paul walker is fine
i wish he was mine

paul walker is smart
likes strawberry tarts
paul walker is tanned
probably in some cool band

paul walker is fit
dont you know it?
paul walker can dance
even with no pants

paul walker has fame
but he is not lame
id like to be carried...
oh dammit hes married!

paul walker can talk
paul walker can walk
paul walker like chalk
paul walker - i stalk

top 10

Jackis top ten embarassing moments (so far)

10. That time everyone found out I owned the book by paris hilton and the book by nicole richie

9. That time I corrected someone for saying the word impossible ("actually, its umpossible. impossible isnt a word")

8. That time someone told me that space was 3D and i replied "which space?"

7. That time my netball skirt fell off in the middle of a game

6. That time my mum found me dancing to leo sayer in our living room

5. That time my skirt blew up in the westfield carpark and i didnt notice so i kept walking

4. That time Mel dacked me when we were riding in the back of Sair's dad's ute

3. That time my pants got caught on the side of a dumpster and I ripped a huge hole in the ass, then I had to catch the bus home

2. That time my cozi fell off during swimming lessons in year 2

1. That time i was in the middle of a rendition of the dance scene by tom cruise in Risky Business after just having got out of the shower when i realised our bay windows were open and my neighbours were all staring at me.

(next top 10: classic home and away plotlines)

The Greenwich...?

similar to what i did about a year ago, when Beth n Mel n crap were trying to name their band and i came up with a whole list of names that everyone thought were stupid and i thought were brilliant.

except this time its our netball team whose been trying to think of a name for like the past 7 years (ever since Julia named us "the greenwich geckos" and everyones been trying to think of a better one but a)they cant and b)julia refuses to let go of the gecko era)
so obviously i came up with some of my own.

• the greenwich gnomes
• the greenwich sandwiches
• the greenwich g-strings
• the greenwich full briefs
• the greenwich men
• the greenwich munches
• the greenwich pats
• the greenwich g-units
• the greenwich hangnails
• the greenwich chucks
• the greenwich sloths
• the greenwich shanahans

just randomly

just randomly - a new weekly column which irrationally attempts to answer all of life's incongruous questions. submit a question...i dare you

The Pad Ad
So. the pad ad.
we all know it. the one with some girl trying to squeeze herself into the smallest size of every piece of clothing she owns. you know. the jeans. the shirt. the boots. then she gets her boyfriend to "grab her a pad" out of the draw.
ok. OK
WHAT???!!!!
first of all...WHATS WITH THE PAD BEING IN THE DRAW? why would it be in the bedroom next to the tv??? it should be IN THE BATHROOM, IN A DRAW, UNDER A FERAL OLD HAIRBRUSH where NO ONE ON EARTH has to look at it.
second of all...what is the pad doing already unwrapped? doesnt the lady know how unhygenic that is? it makes me want to vomit. shes going to get toxic shock syndrome and DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH BECAUSE SHE LEFT HER FILTHY PAD UNWRAPPED IN THE DRAW WHERE HER BOYFRIEND CAN LOOK AT IT AND PLAY WITH IT!!!!

and lastly...WHY WOULD SHE WASTE HER TIME EXPLAINING TO HER BOYFRIEND WHICH TYPE OF PAD SHE SHOULD USE WHEN...
A) he doesnt care
B) he doesnt need to know
C) she is probably LEAKING all OVER THE PLACE
so.
soo.
an explanation?
the boyfriend is a woman. disguised as a man. but not very well.

That Time I Met...Otzi

Jacki: He's fierce, he's fast, he's frozen...its ICEMAN
Otzi: Actually it's otzi
Jacki: Otzi like that library dude?
Otzi: No dumbass, Otzi like me. I own that library dude.
Jacki: Wow...kinky. And can I just say that your appearance makes me want to vomit? Anyway, tell us about yourself Otzi, hows life in the old...alps...
Otzi: Well you know, not so good. It was ok until I died a horrible death from a combination of hypothermia, skull lacerations, and you know, just being myself. Then I was in for 5,000 odd years of being trampled over in the snow until two randoms discovered my mutated corpse. At this point I thought hey, I've been found, maybe I'm in for some tlc now, but no, they proceeded to ignore the fact that im 5000 years old, an important historical artefact, one of the only remnants of my time, and not to mention dead sexy, and got some bearded fatty to rip me from under some boulder, sling me over his shoulder and lug me to the nearest ice station.
Jacki: Wow. Too bad.
Otzi: Shut up. Now, did I mention I dont have a penis? Thats right, no penis for Otzi. I mean, what are the odds. I dont have a vagina either. I mean, I could have at least retained one from my days as an ancient furry tranvestite prostitute, but no, the nads freeze off and im left with what looks like a shrivelled prune glued in between my legs.
Jacki: Um
Otzi: And have you seen my face? I mean, I've seen better things to look at inside the creases on a dead elephants anus.
Jacki: I'm not going to deny that.
Otzi: Yeah. Well I tried to get back into my old career, you know, as a man-whore, but I dont know, for some reason people dont want to be seen naked with 5000 year old skeletons.
Jacki: Hard to believe...
Otzi: Shut up. I know you want me bad.
Jacki: Well I wont deny that either.
Otzi: Maybe the whole whore thing would work better if i had some prositute-y clothes. Where's that Jess chick? Maybe I can borrow her boots...

THE END

Elizabeth Maree Davies Docker

so
beth
beth is cool. beth forced me to write this blog. practically forced me. she said "write a blog about me. if you do ill write a blog about you". well that might not have happened.

i love beth. beth is 16 and she has short-ish hair that is dyed but it doesnt looked dyed if you know what i mean. you know how some people have dyed hair and you're totally like "your hair is so dyed". well not with beth. beths hair is nice. i wish i had hair like that. not me, i have hanus hair. hanus like a fox.
beth and i have modern together. we always have crazy times in modern by pissing off emshaz even though she totally loves us and cant bring herself to punish us except that sometimes she does. but oh well. beth and i do lots of cool stuff in modern like talk and scream and laugh and talk to emmy. actually the only thing we dont do in modern is the work, which shows in my results (which are dismal) but dont show in beths (because she is a freak)

thats right. beth is smart. beth used to do smart maths but now she does general maths. i used to do smart maths too. but unlike beth, i was crap at smart maths. i am also crap at general maths. im crap at most things. this post is actually becoming more about me *slaps myself*.

beth has a boyfriend called ben. they do heaps of stuff together like go to places where crazy people slap you in the face. it sounds like fun. beth and ben are so cute together, they do heaps of cute stuff, like the time ben wrote beth a card on their one year anniversery. beth let me read that card. it was cute.
beth likes miss shanahan. well sometimes. apart from when she's mean. which is sometimes. but beth loves her anyway.
beth likes to do heaps of cool stuff like sing and dance and work at peter alexander and play the guitar and strangle me with computer extension cords (which she is doing right now).
beth also likes to stalk people with me. we stalk people together, mostly emshaz, which is fun, because everyone gets freaked out. casey helps too. so does google earth.

beth is in preston. preston used to be cool but now theyre not because they are becoming the "Loser House" instead of cuthbert, which is handy, because i am:
a) in cuthbert
b) tired of being a loser
beth is good at lots of things too. beth has a cool house and a cool pool and a cool dog which scares me a little because of its teeth. but the dog is also cool. beth has two brothers called callum and michael who ride bikes until their legs fall off. one time, beth had to go to queensland in the middle of school to watch her brothers ride their little bikes. she was angry. i was jealous.

beth and i get in lots of trouble together by most of our teachers, and some teachers that we dont even have, like the boof. actually we get in most trouble from the boof.
theres alot more stuff about beth but i cant be bothered to type any more, so if you want to know just shut up and go to www.bethsmeegos.blogspot.com

i love you beffy :)

just randomly

just randomly - a new weekly column which irrationally attempts to answer all of life's incongruous questions. submit a question...i dare you

The Huggies Nappies ad - what the hell is the little girl talking about?
we've all seen it. we've all cringed. we've all screamed obsenities and thrown lamps at the tv screen...thats right, the Huggies Nappies ad. if you've been living under a wet rock and you dont know what im talking about, ill clue you in
Little girl: mum uses Huggies Nappies for my brother, little Zaccy
Overvoice: and now Huggies Nappies cost even less!
Little girl: which means more nappies for Zaccy, and more left over for the other important things.

ok. what?
WHAT??? other important things??? little girl, there ARE no other important things!! you use nappies for babies nasty asses, and nothing else!! what the hell kind of household are you living in???
what is she talking about? ive been racking my brains to think of the answer, but there is no logic in what she says!!! there is NOTHING ELSE you can use a nappy for!!! NOTHING!!!
can you use it as a hat? NO!
can you use it as a boot? NO!
can you eat out of it? NO! WELL MAYBE BUT THAT WOULD BE GROSS!

so, my only conclusion is...that girl is on drugs.

if you had something named after you, it could turn out really good.
like say you had a dessert named after you. a really delicious dessert.
people would say "oh i wish i had a Jacki right now. yeah, a Jacki right now is just what i need. boy do i love Jacki's"
or if you had an ipod named after you, they would all say "those Jacki's, i wish i had one, but they're too expensive"
or if you had a copy of the new Harry Potter book named after you, they would say "dammit!! i really want a Jacki! but theyre all sold out! why do Jackis have to be so popular??"

Then again, it could also turn out really bad
imagine if they named a new type of underwear after you...
"man, this sucks, i cant get Jacki out from in-between my ass cheeks"

shower thoughts#8

so.
soo.
i had a thought.
vegetable. vagina. those are pretty similar words.
did anyone else notice? i did. i sure did. so whats happens is, some people (like me) tend to shorten the world vegetable to veg. and some other people (like me) tend to shorten the word vagina to vag.
vag. veg. those are pretty similar words.
so similar you could screw yourself up pretty bad with them. like, in the middle of the dinner....
Small child: hey dad, pass the vag
Dad: (hesitating) uh...ok son...
Mum: (screams)

or like, at the hospital...
Woman: Help me doctor the babys coming! out of my veg!
Doctor: Out of your veg? What???
Woman: You call yourself a doctor?? Yes, my veg!!!
Doctor: Young lady, babies do NOT come out of these (points to carrot)
Woman: No, you dont understand
Doctor: Oh I understand perfectly. SECURITY get this crazy out of here!
Woman: (screams)

so careful! watch your a's and e's

andrew cockburn???!!!

some parents are just cruel

shazza rocks my insignificant life

OHMIGOLLY so we had dancing with the staff today, em-shaz was so hot tapping away, like an over-the-hill-done-up-in-whorish-year-nine-makeup-shirley-temple someone.

carnival folk

OHmigosh so ok today was the athletics carnival and it was pretty fun.
i wore a waistcoat. we all did heaps of stuff like me beff han n kc stalked the shan for like half an hour and invited her to our picnic BUT she said no and THEN she made us carry these stupid athletics tool thingies ALL the way across the stupid stupid oval and they like mauled beths arms off.
then it got hot and we got hungry so we went back to our seats and mauled jess's waterbottle which weighs a dillion litres and ate a whole bag of chips. then it was like a billion degrees and we were dying because it was so hot so julia and i put our jumpers on our heads and pretended to be grim reapers and then we made beth be the priest of our grim reaper marriage which was v. romantic.
then it was way to hot so we went and sat outside the bathrooms and read cosmo and laughed at hillary duff and kieth urban because neither of them have orgasms, and these women with collosal nipples, and we tied julias arms and legs together and laughed at her.
basically that was it for the day apart from me and julia trying to get changed on the bus which was considerably hard because the bus kept turning corners and i kept sliding off the seat and my stockings were exploding all over the shop.

good times.

pubic armour

if you think about it, i mean really think about it, the smartest thing to do is to make armour out of pubic hairs.

I mean think about it. would you touch anyone elses pube? i dont think so! So if you were covered with pubes, all over your body woven together by people who dont care that all they do all day is weave pubes together to make armour, then no one would touch you, and you would never ever ever in a million years be hurt by anyone because everyone would be too scared to come near you incase they accidentally touched you and everyone would mock and ridicule them for the rest of their lives, screaming
"Dont touch her! She touched the pube! THE PUUUUUBE"
It would almost be as bad as eating a caramel slice that has a pubic hair on it.

now who's laughing?

today.
was.
random.

like in maths the teachers are all "we know ur doing general and yes ur going to be in mr obriens class but because we are so old and slow and we take 20 years to do one word of paperwork, you have to stay in advanced until we're finished and decide to stop being such munches. oh, and while ur in advanced you can do work from the general book, even though we all know perfectly well that you dont actually own a general book, and that the general class is doing shares on the computer at the moment, and no, we will not let you do that"
so basically, i can sit in the advanced class, but i cant do general and i cant do advanced.
so all i have to say is "hahahaha!".
i mean, i cant believe the teachers would actually be stupid enough to fall into such an obvious trap. if they really knew me they would know that im the kind of person who would rather chew off her own hand than do maths by choice, and here they have actually handed me the chance to sit in class and stare out the window for 50 minutes without being persecuted for it.

life is good.

utter confusion

i have a feeling.
you know that feeling of total and utter confusion you get when, say, i dont know, you realise that despite the total hatred shown towards you by someone, lets say, oh, your modern teacher, you still, hmm, lets see, love them anyway?

emmy. if ur reading this. which i know you are. because you cant bare to be away from me for more than one second. i have to ask you...why do we all love you so much? if you were old we so wouldnt. despite:

• the filthy looks i get whenever i even think about taking a breath
• the exasperated sighs i get when i ask stupid rhetorical questions
• the taunting of my bad marks despite the fact that my marks arent bad.
• the eye rolls
• the "jacki stop rocking on your chair before I stab you" thing
• the "jacki stop talking before I stab you" thing
• the "jacki stop threatening to stab me before I stab you" thing
• the shut ups
• the determination to show no human emotion towards me

yes, yes, even despite these things and more we still all love u emmy-em-poops.

even me.

especially me.

That Time I Met...Emmy Shanahan

Jacki: Emmy, I love you
Shanahan: Shut up

the end of an era

wooo im jumping for joy because i just had my last mathematics lesson EVER!! becoz i failed mi maths exam n got 40% n the Briss is like get out of my class you piece of dumb person and i was like with pleasure lady so im going to MR OBRIENS class which is SO cool because he watches home and away and so do i so we're sure to bond over the mutual love for a classic australian night time soap.

i am so excited.

anyway tonight i have to babysit kids in my netball team that i coach and i am so excited about never having to sit through another hanus hanus advanced maths lesson again that i will probably go on a rampage and stab them and eat all of their pre-packed school lunches.
these are the kind of kids that ask you if they can go to bed early, its so hilarious, but tonight, ohhh tonight things will be different, because usually the conversation goes like this:
Children: Please Jacki can we go to bed and leave you to eat all our pre-packed lunches and watch our dvd's.
Jacki: Of course my little angels
But tonight I am so excited about NO MATHS that the conversation will get out of hand and will go like this:
Children: Please Jack can we go to bed and leavr you to eat all our pre-packed lunches and watch our dvd's.
Jacki: YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS *stab stab* mwaaahahahahahahahhahaha *claps*

marissa the gutter queen

ha still in dt now we're talking about how if marissa died mischa bartons career would go so downhill and she would spend all the money she made off the oc in like 2 weeks on soy crackers and bean coloured milk and she'd end up living in a gutter somewhere screaming at everyone who walked past that she used to be a big star and trying to sell clown figurines made out of scraps of her hair and old cardboard boxes.

people would pay big money to see that.
but not to her

dtdtdtdtdt

OHMIGOSH im in dt and SOOO bored because im supposed to be doing some project brief thing but im really bad at typing things that r like gramatically correct so im like mah ill do it later.

even tho its due tomorro.

but really im so excited right now becoz beff is bloggin n shes like 2 computers away from me and i love it when beth blogs because its always about something relevant unlike whatever i blog about which is something random about how im annoyed because i have to walk all the way home this afternoon and i dont even have my ipod.

uh! that ipod is tight son.
OHMIGOSH lauren just came in, HI LAUREN! i love lauren we have economics together and its always a joyful event except for that i always fail.

now we're all talking about how Marissa shud die on the oc and that theres basically no other way for her to die apart from getting a terminal disease becoz every other cause of death has already been used on the oc, like someone drowned, had a heart attack, almost commited suicide, got hit by a car (theyve used that like three times), fell off a cliff and got shot.

so basically marissa should either get a disease which is so bad that they cant save her by cutting off all her hair or she can die in childbirth. or she can get attacked by a giant bear.

i love branwell

branwell by name
bran very well by reputation

The Bronte Bums

I return. Still in english extension, since my last post I wrote about seven words.
we're supposed to be writing some crap about the bronte children, some boring bunch of boring tools who got born and some of them died randomly, then the others went on to write some random crap like Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights who you only read if your name is Jimmy and your reading to an old lady while eating stale chocolate cake in a blue suit that she gave you for christmas and then forgot about it
(lauren you know what im talking about baby)

anway im up the back with my computer faced the wrong way so miss everyhamm (or should i call her miss kwinaye or whatever) cant see what im doing.

anyway the only cool thing about the bronte family is that they must have been on drugs or something because me and beth figured out that the mother, whose name was maria, had two children called maria and elizabeth, and they had an aunt called elizabeth, who was marias sister, and she also had a child called maria, who had two children called maria and elizabeth.

i mean no one who is not on pot is stupid enough to name that many people in their family maria and elizabeth, apart from my own family, who has four tonys, five tobys, two helens, two johns, three oscars, three janes and two catherines, plus alot of other randoms.

lame eyre

sitting here in extention english wondering why i havent ripped up my copy of jane eyre yet because she is so annoying and should be condemned to a fate that is no higher than having to live the rest of her life in a deep dark hole with no food, water, electricity, family, communication, music, tv, media, entertainment, books, light, towels, people to talk to, writing tools, teachers, pets, clothes, shoes, hairties, bottles of shampoo or conditioner, bookmarks, tassles, curtains, shower shoes, shopping vouchers, credit cards, tv antennas or copies of Laguna Beach on dvd.

home and away - THE SHIZ!

home and away. is. my life
seriously all of the people in it are people i know.

alf - my dad.
irene - my mum.
cassie - julia.
ric - anyone im in love with.
rachel - julia.
tasha - issi.
martha - beth.
kim - pat.
lucas - sam.
jack - mike.
barry - jack.
colleen - catherine.
mattie - ellen.
sally - mrs hannah.

and so on...

shower thoughts#7

like, imagine if our heads and our reproductive organs switched places.
so your face is between your legs, and your...eh hem....fanny? is on your neck.

how weird is that going to look? i mean, seriously, think about it. you'd have to wear special pants with a huge hole in the crotch. you know, you could wear ass-less chaps, they would work.
and like, do you still wear undies? theres nothing to put in the leg holes, because obviously you dont have legs coming off your neck now, do you?
but you have to cover up your privates somehow, so what, do you just wear a doorag, or what? would that look weird? and what if you wore a hat, and it was windy, and it blew off your neck? and like, you would have to go chase it, but how weird would that be? think about it. it would be like a naked man chasing a pair of undies down the street.
and like, how hard would it be to wash your hair? haha, i know what you dirty people are thinking, i meant the hair on your HEAD.
you know what would be even harder, having sex. does one of the people stand on their neck? what do your arms do? ohmigosh imagine driving. i cant even imagine it, it would be so weird.

or like, eating. you'd have to open your legs to eat. and put your neck in the bowl to go to the toilet.
seriously think about this for like 10 minutes. and be thankful that our heads are our heads, and our other parts are themselves too.

holy crap.
i just like looked up, and theres a window above the computer.

...was that always there? it looks pretty old. this is weird.
am i really that ignorant of my house that i didnt notice a window above the computer?
oh whatever.
you know what, year of love is totally down the toilet right now. you know what else, so is this blog.
these days, with these kids, its all "my space this" and "livejournal that", but dont worry blogger, i wont leave you.
well, i might leave you. i make lots of pacts that i dont seem to keep, like my pact to study, or do homework, or listen in class, or get fit. but ill never break my pact to not buy a Mathaid from mrs brisset. my pacts against her are always strong.

even if it does mean ill fail maths.

you know what i was just thinking?

the people they use to demonstrate a "bad hair day" on those garnier fructis shampoo ads have hair like my hair on a good day.
that is so annoying right now.
you know what else is totally annoying right now? like, exams. they are so annoying. im like shut up! like today during modern i was totally like, what is the point in me writing down all this stuff that mr watson already knows.
or he should already know it.
if he doesnt hes pretty silly. i would smack his bottom if he didnt.

That Time I Met...Tutankhamun

Jacki: Holy crap folks at home, possibly the most famous person we have interviewed here on A Whole Lotta Crazy Crap on the walls yet.....TUTANKHAMUN!!
Tut: Hey there lassy, hows it going?
Jacki: Its good, its good.
Tut: One question for you lassy. Why me, lassy, why old Tutty? Why would you want to interview little old me.
Jacki: Well, I thought it was about time we interviewed a corpse. Seems interesting. I guess you could count Grudgy as a corpse, but then, it was never really...buried. Plus it was a real pain in my ass.
Tut: Ho, lassy, you made my day.
Jacki: Yeah, ok whatever. Shut up and answer my questions. So, your a pharaoh, right?
Tut: Oh I sure am, been since I was yay high to a grasshopper and a-ready for skipping in the fields.
Jacki: Right...so tell me, is miss mitchell crazy, or does the burial crap actually mean something?
Tut: Not sure if it does, my lassy. See I was a-dead long afore they put me in that old tomby, a-ho-ho-ho.
Jacki: Ok dude, enough. What...with...the accent??
Tut: Well, your the one writing this pointless interview, and you dont know what an Egyptian accent sounds like, so you made up this freaky, welsh slash scottish sounding one for me.
Jacki: Yeah, well at least I dont have some random bulbous skull, you woman.
Tut: Woman? WOMAN?? JUST BECAUSE I WEAR LACE-UP SANDALS AND EYELINER DOES NOT MAKE ME A WOMAN.
Jacki: What about the man-boobs?
Tut: Those can't be helped.
Jacki: Whatever.


THE END.

Shower Thoughts #6

Whats another word for theasaurus?

you know what i think?

i think our school was designed so that more people could witness my embarrasing moments.
take today for example.
i was innocently walking along the corridor to get my Othello which i accidentally-on-purpose left in my locker, when sarah suddenly starts running and then falls forward. luckily she saved herself by leaning against the side of the stairs which go down into r22.
Unfortunately for me, her legs were sticking out further into the hallway than I anticipated, so of course, i tripped over them and faceplanted straight into the floor right outside the top english classes room.
In any normal, caring, not-wishing-to-embarass-jacki-trew-beyond-all-reason school, only sarah and I would have witnessed the humiliation, but of course, since in our new building every wall, door, roof and window is made out of clear glass, the entire top english class also saw, much to their delight, and proceeded to laugh sarah and i, in all our clumsiness, out of the building.

i think its my shoes. how else would i fall over so many times in one schol day?

Wtf Mate?

todays wtf mate comes from some random family in some random place, with some wacked out random dog
enjoy
(picture below)

wtf mate 3/5/06 

OHMIGOSH miss shanahan i so DID NOT ignore you this morning.
you should know by now, when i talk, i talk so loudly that it is impossible for me or anyone else to hear anyone else, so if you want me to hear anything, you have to scream it into my ear and jump up and down in front of my face.
you know, maybe, i think, maybe you didnt even say hello to me. maybe you pretended you did so you could make me feel guilty about not saying hello to you, when, come on, how many times have i screamed out at you from across the playground and had you blatantly ignore me?

its ok. i forgive you.
of course

im so naming my son anus

"and i quote"

jackis infamous quotes of pure and simple idiocy

• "Which Lleyton Hewitt? The one that plays tennis or the one that plays basketball?"
• Kat: "My iceblock is kind of spikey" Jacki: "Maybe its the bones in it"
• Al: "Jacki, you are so impatient" Jacki: "Actually, its umpatient. Impatient isnt a word"
• "Am I famous for being a celebrity?"
• (After being told to shut up in a movie) "Yeah people, lets get some quiet in here!"
• "Whats the opposite of bald? Hairfull?"
• Jack: "Hey check it out, that girl has a mustache!" Jacki: "Where?" Jack: "Where do you think a mustache would be, dumbass"
• "Get the one with peppermint in it. Its healthier. Peppermints a fruit."
• (After seeing a yellow sunset from inside a building) "Whats that big yellow billboard?"
• (Pointing at a fountain) "How cool is that lake!"

more soon