and i kid you not.
today.
in coles.
we were looking at the new simpsons enviro bags. you know, the ones that are like the green coles bags, except they are yellow and have a picture of a simpsons character on them?
well my mum (who i get bagged out for, because im constantly doing impersonations of her that sound like marge simpson) looks straight at the bag that has a picture of marge on it, and goes (and i quote):
"hey look! its me!"
and buys it.
i tell you, im not the only odd one in this family
Friday, July 07, 2006
Thursday, July 06, 2006
so.
soo.
i have this thing. so annoying. so annoying. its like some disease i have which isnt really a disease its just some subconcious thing that i have in the back of my mind, but it actually affects me which is really annoying and now im just rambling.
so everytime my sister chases me (mainly with an aim to hurt me) its like my brain sends a message to my legs to, you know, stop working.
which is quite annoying because you know, when you're running away from someone, all you pretty much want is for your legs to be working. but no. no. nooooo
take this afternoon for instance.
spring rolls. yeah, i know what you're thinking. yuuuum!. well thats what i was thinking too. so when i walked past catherine who was holding a plate with spring rolls on it, my natural instincts told me:
spring rolls! take! eat! NOW!
so i did.
unfortunately for me, catherine sometimes has natural instincts too, and at that moment, hers were saying:
she took a spring roll....DESTROY HER!!
so catherine drops the plate and starts chasing me, and i (being the idiot that i am) head straight for the stairs. now, im half way up when this stupid annoying thing sets in, and my legs just stop working.
now, someone once told me that if you want to run faster, all you have to do is move your arms faster. and i believed them. i learnt today that this theory doesnt work. especially if your legs arent working in the first place.
so there i am, standing still on the 6th step with my arms flailing wildly about me, and catherine looming up behind me, and my parents sitting at the table staring, wondering what they did to deserve such odd children.
soo.
i have this thing. so annoying. so annoying. its like some disease i have which isnt really a disease its just some subconcious thing that i have in the back of my mind, but it actually affects me which is really annoying and now im just rambling.
so everytime my sister chases me (mainly with an aim to hurt me) its like my brain sends a message to my legs to, you know, stop working.
which is quite annoying because you know, when you're running away from someone, all you pretty much want is for your legs to be working. but no. no. nooooo
take this afternoon for instance.
spring rolls. yeah, i know what you're thinking. yuuuum!. well thats what i was thinking too. so when i walked past catherine who was holding a plate with spring rolls on it, my natural instincts told me:
spring rolls! take! eat! NOW!
so i did.
unfortunately for me, catherine sometimes has natural instincts too, and at that moment, hers were saying:
she took a spring roll....DESTROY HER!!
so catherine drops the plate and starts chasing me, and i (being the idiot that i am) head straight for the stairs. now, im half way up when this stupid annoying thing sets in, and my legs just stop working.
now, someone once told me that if you want to run faster, all you have to do is move your arms faster. and i believed them. i learnt today that this theory doesnt work. especially if your legs arent working in the first place.
so there i am, standing still on the 6th step with my arms flailing wildly about me, and catherine looming up behind me, and my parents sitting at the table staring, wondering what they did to deserve such odd children.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
today for the first time ever, i...
watched an entire episode of Good Morning Miami, from start to finish.
Monday, July 03, 2006
jackis ideal home and away episode
my idea of the best home and away episode...
amanda dies, colleen and alf get it on, danni comes back to summer bay, hayley and scott return from overseas, martha and jack have babies, robbie gets run over, cassie and ric turn out to be related, sally gets remarried, ivf works for dan and leah, pete comes back to life but doesnt have a liver and dies again, "zoe" returns, kim and rachel get married, irene and kit get drunk together, belle turns out to be a man, barry burns down the school, tasha gives birth to an alien and miss shanahan guest stars.
amanda dies, colleen and alf get it on, danni comes back to summer bay, hayley and scott return from overseas, martha and jack have babies, robbie gets run over, cassie and ric turn out to be related, sally gets remarried, ivf works for dan and leah, pete comes back to life but doesnt have a liver and dies again, "zoe" returns, kim and rachel get married, irene and kit get drunk together, belle turns out to be a man, barry burns down the school, tasha gives birth to an alien and miss shanahan guest stars.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
its time for my din-dins!
so last night we also went out to dinner which was the SHIZ with me, hanni, beffy, lollen, gem, kat, jordan, sair, mai and ben.
which was super fun even though i could only eat 2/5ths of the food we ordered because most of it would have killed me. but that gave everyone a laugh so it was all good.
after dinner we wandered around chatswood for 2 hours before the movie started, trying to find a replacement vandi, but we couldnt so we just went into gloria jeans and talked about how much we missed emmy. well me and beth did anyway.
well it was pretty much only me.
whatever.
then we went to see stick it which was totally confusing but in a fun way because we made commentary all the way through extremely loudly and im pretty sure that everyone in the cinema wanted to kill us and hack up our bodies when we were done.
which was super fun even though i could only eat 2/5ths of the food we ordered because most of it would have killed me. but that gave everyone a laugh so it was all good.
after dinner we wandered around chatswood for 2 hours before the movie started, trying to find a replacement vandi, but we couldnt so we just went into gloria jeans and talked about how much we missed emmy. well me and beth did anyway.
well it was pretty much only me.
whatever.
then we went to see stick it which was totally confusing but in a fun way because we made commentary all the way through extremely loudly and im pretty sure that everyone in the cinema wanted to kill us and hack up our bodies when we were done.
its time for luncheon!
OHMIGOSH so today we had lunch at issis with me, issi, juju, madi, luc and mol. and it was so much fun my head almost exploded.
so first we watched julia attempt to, um, fry? eggplant which was hilarious but in the end it looked ok, even though the first thing lucy said wen she saw it was "how did you do that? you even got the sides to burn!"
and then we sat in issi room and confused people on msn with issis disturbing disturbing animations which were DISTURBING to say the least.
after lunch which was YUUUM we went and played foosball and sing star, and i can now confidentally say that i suck at both of them.
then julia sang like a virgin while writhing around on the floor and giving us all fairly disturbing looks from the various, equally disturbing angles that she was positioning herself in on the carpet.
i dont think ive ever been so turned on. except that one time that mr dubya and campy did a dance to dontcha.
that was also hot.
so first we watched julia attempt to, um, fry? eggplant which was hilarious but in the end it looked ok, even though the first thing lucy said wen she saw it was "how did you do that? you even got the sides to burn!"
and then we sat in issi room and confused people on msn with issis disturbing disturbing animations which were DISTURBING to say the least.
after lunch which was YUUUM we went and played foosball and sing star, and i can now confidentally say that i suck at both of them.
then julia sang like a virgin while writhing around on the floor and giving us all fairly disturbing looks from the various, equally disturbing angles that she was positioning herself in on the carpet.
i dont think ive ever been so turned on. except that one time that mr dubya and campy did a dance to dontcha.
that was also hot.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
A scheme for chocolate
a plan played out by myself, beff and mai about 2 days ago when we'd run out of our own lunch and, finding ourselves still hungry, had gone in search for someone elses.
(from inside the phone room)
Beth: Who's going to call her?
Mai: Not me!
Jacki: No, you do it Beth
Mai: Jacki you do it.
Jacki: No make Beth do it!
Beth: Ok im dialling her number (hits 115)
Jacki: (whispering frantically) What do i say? what do i say??!!
Beth and Mai: (give blank looks)
Voice on phone: Hello, history department.
Jacki: Um hi. Is miss shanahan there?
Voice on phone: Who is speaking please?
Jacki: (trying not to laugh) Um. Its jacki trew
Voice on phone: Ill see if shes here (puts phone down)
Jacki Beth and Mai: (laughing uncontrollably)
Miss Shanahan: Jacki? Are you there?
Jacki: Oh hi Shanny.
Miss Shanahan: What is it?
Jacki: We need to talk to you. its urgent!
Miss Shanahan: (Sounding concerned) Oh, ok. Is it about the historical investigation?
Jacki: (Turning to beth and mai, whispering) She wants to know if its about the historical investigation...
Miss Shanahan: Jacki?
Jacki: (Passing the phone to mai) You talk to her!
Mai: Hi?
Miss Shanahan: What do you guys need?
Mai: We need you to come down!
Miss Shanahan: Sure. Ill be right there
Beth Jacki and Mai: (In hysterics)
Miss Shanahan: (Coming down the stairs) Whats wrong guys?
Beth: We, um. we...
Miss Shanahan: Yep?
Jacki: We need chocolate
Mai: Yeah. Please? You promised us!
Miss Shanahan: Are you serious?
Jacki: What?
Miss Shanahan: You made me walk all the way down here to give you chocolate.
Beth: Please? We ran out of our own lunch, and we're really hungry!
Miss Shanahan: (starts walking up stairs)
Jacki: Are you coming back??
Miss Shanahan: Maybe...
Luckily after we waited for a minute she returned with freddos for all!
and we loved her and she loved us, and there was much rejoycing
(from inside the phone room)
Beth: Who's going to call her?
Mai: Not me!
Jacki: No, you do it Beth
Mai: Jacki you do it.
Jacki: No make Beth do it!
Beth: Ok im dialling her number (hits 115)
Jacki: (whispering frantically) What do i say? what do i say??!!
Beth and Mai: (give blank looks)
Voice on phone: Hello, history department.
Jacki: Um hi. Is miss shanahan there?
Voice on phone: Who is speaking please?
Jacki: (trying not to laugh) Um. Its jacki trew
Voice on phone: Ill see if shes here (puts phone down)
Jacki Beth and Mai: (laughing uncontrollably)
Miss Shanahan: Jacki? Are you there?
Jacki: Oh hi Shanny.
Miss Shanahan: What is it?
Jacki: We need to talk to you. its urgent!
Miss Shanahan: (Sounding concerned) Oh, ok. Is it about the historical investigation?
Jacki: (Turning to beth and mai, whispering) She wants to know if its about the historical investigation...
Miss Shanahan: Jacki?
Jacki: (Passing the phone to mai) You talk to her!
Mai: Hi?
Miss Shanahan: What do you guys need?
Mai: We need you to come down!
Miss Shanahan: Sure. Ill be right there
Beth Jacki and Mai: (In hysterics)
Miss Shanahan: (Coming down the stairs) Whats wrong guys?
Beth: We, um. we...
Miss Shanahan: Yep?
Jacki: We need chocolate
Mai: Yeah. Please? You promised us!
Miss Shanahan: Are you serious?
Jacki: What?
Miss Shanahan: You made me walk all the way down here to give you chocolate.
Beth: Please? We ran out of our own lunch, and we're really hungry!
Miss Shanahan: (starts walking up stairs)
Jacki: Are you coming back??
Miss Shanahan: Maybe...
Luckily after we waited for a minute she returned with freddos for all!
and we loved her and she loved us, and there was much rejoycing
The plot of the magpies
Its true.
The magpies are plotting against me.
I tried to be nice. I tried to ignore them. I tried not to eat their eggs.
But thats it. enough is enough!
Everytime i walk home i have to walk through central park (which isnt really the real central park, its just the weeny park next to my house which also has the name central park). And everytime i walk through central park, im a perfect angel. I dont run to fast. I dont walk too slow. I dont throw tennis balls at the old folk. And every time - EVERY SINGLE TIME - I walk through central park, the magpies organise themselves into a diving squadron and bomb me like mini kamakazi acrobats covered in feathers.
no one else. just me.
so at first i thought it was just a coincidence. I thought they were just after my maroon school jumper or something. but no. no no no. because those stupid magpies try to kill me EVERY TIME i walk through that park NO MATTER WHICH outfit im wearing that day.
so.
the magpies are trying to kill me. I can see it in their eyes. I can see the plots they make inside their tiny bird heads.
but I have a plan.
because obviously the magpies arent afraid of me. But they'll probably be afraid of my dads chainsaw.
those magpies are going down.
The magpies are plotting against me.
I tried to be nice. I tried to ignore them. I tried not to eat their eggs.
But thats it. enough is enough!
Everytime i walk home i have to walk through central park (which isnt really the real central park, its just the weeny park next to my house which also has the name central park). And everytime i walk through central park, im a perfect angel. I dont run to fast. I dont walk too slow. I dont throw tennis balls at the old folk. And every time - EVERY SINGLE TIME - I walk through central park, the magpies organise themselves into a diving squadron and bomb me like mini kamakazi acrobats covered in feathers.
no one else. just me.
so at first i thought it was just a coincidence. I thought they were just after my maroon school jumper or something. but no. no no no. because those stupid magpies try to kill me EVERY TIME i walk through that park NO MATTER WHICH outfit im wearing that day.
so.
the magpies are trying to kill me. I can see it in their eyes. I can see the plots they make inside their tiny bird heads.
but I have a plan.
because obviously the magpies arent afraid of me. But they'll probably be afraid of my dads chainsaw.
those magpies are going down.
That Time I Met...Buffy Wu
Jacki: Tell us about yourself
Buffy: Why dont you?? arent you one of those year elevens who stalks me?
Jacki: So what if i am?
Buffy: I have to say, even if at first i was a teeny bit flattered, now im just creeped out.
Jacki: Oh admit it. you love being able to boast to all your little year one friends about how everyone in year eleven idolises you
Buffy: Ok. lets just say i am. which im not! doesnt it lower your status a little?
Jacki: How so?
Buffy: Im 6. your 16. you idolise me.
Jacki: Ok i get your point. But we're not stopping.
Buffy: Oh i think i can make you
Jacki: You do, do you? (laughs evilly)
Buffy: What?
Jacki: I have ways of stalking you've never even dreamed about.
Buffy: And what exactly is that supposed to mean?
Jacki: Ask Shanny.
Buffy: Maybe I will
Jacki: Maybe you should just go lick it all up.
Buffy: Lick what up?
Jacki: You know buffy wu. you know
THE END
Buffy: Why dont you?? arent you one of those year elevens who stalks me?
Jacki: So what if i am?
Buffy: I have to say, even if at first i was a teeny bit flattered, now im just creeped out.
Jacki: Oh admit it. you love being able to boast to all your little year one friends about how everyone in year eleven idolises you
Buffy: Ok. lets just say i am. which im not! doesnt it lower your status a little?
Jacki: How so?
Buffy: Im 6. your 16. you idolise me.
Jacki: Ok i get your point. But we're not stopping.
Buffy: Oh i think i can make you
Jacki: You do, do you? (laughs evilly)
Buffy: What?
Jacki: I have ways of stalking you've never even dreamed about.
Buffy: And what exactly is that supposed to mean?
Jacki: Ask Shanny.
Buffy: Maybe I will
Jacki: Maybe you should just go lick it all up.
Buffy: Lick what up?
Jacki: You know buffy wu. you know
THE END
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Nicole Kidman skips town
so.
Nicole Kidman thinks she can get away with this, does she?
you know, even though she has a busy "hollywood star" schedule, you would have thought that she maybe, could, you know, take some time out from her busy timetable, you know, between marrying people and buying mansions and visiting secluded tropical islands, and come see her old house.
wouldnt you?
But no. no no no. obviously this is too much for nicole kidman because she flew off to the bahamas or bora bora or the place where they film lost or wherever her next billion dollar house is being built without even coming to visit me.
which is annoying because i FULLY cleaned my room and i totally put the Moulin Rouge dvd out on display. But NO.
well. well well well.
she isnt going to get away with this.
shes in for some stalking.
right after shanny.
Nicole Kidman thinks she can get away with this, does she?
you know, even though she has a busy "hollywood star" schedule, you would have thought that she maybe, could, you know, take some time out from her busy timetable, you know, between marrying people and buying mansions and visiting secluded tropical islands, and come see her old house.
wouldnt you?
But no. no no no. obviously this is too much for nicole kidman because she flew off to the bahamas or bora bora or the place where they film lost or wherever her next billion dollar house is being built without even coming to visit me.
which is annoying because i FULLY cleaned my room and i totally put the Moulin Rouge dvd out on display. But NO.
well. well well well.
she isnt going to get away with this.
shes in for some stalking.
right after shanny.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
a song for shazza
(to the tune of "the flintstones")
Chorus:
emshaz
shes the emshaz
shes the greatest shaz that there can be
from the
school of roseville
and the greatest thing is she loves me
Verse One:
she can
teach us all kinds of crazy stuff
and her
boyfriends are always really buff
Chorus:
emshaz
shes the emshaz
shes the greatest shaz that there can be
from the
school of roseville
and the greatest thing is she loves me
Verse Two:
she can
tapdance as well as she can walk
and she
is my favourite one to stalk
Chorus:
emshaz
shes the emshaz
shes the greatest shaz that there can
the greatest there can
the greatest shaz that there can be!!!
(if you dont know the flintstones theme listen to it here:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64bXJWjupzE&search=flintstones%20theme
Chorus:
emshaz
shes the emshaz
shes the greatest shaz that there can be
from the
school of roseville
and the greatest thing is she loves me
Verse One:
she can
teach us all kinds of crazy stuff
and her
boyfriends are always really buff
Chorus:
emshaz
shes the emshaz
shes the greatest shaz that there can be
from the
school of roseville
and the greatest thing is she loves me
Verse Two:
she can
tapdance as well as she can walk
and she
is my favourite one to stalk
Chorus:
emshaz
shes the emshaz
shes the greatest shaz that there can
the greatest there can
the greatest shaz that there can be!!!
(if you dont know the flintstones theme listen to it here:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64bXJWjupzE&search=flintstones%20theme
Monday, June 26, 2006
Why Shanny Rocks My World
why The Emshaz rocks Jackis world
- She teaches modern
- She's the youngest teacher in the school
- She keeps the presents we make for her
- She does all the performing arts crap
- Shes the newbie
- She can tap dance
- She likes michael jackson
- She likes High School Musical
- She watches the Disney Channel
- She came to vandi this one time
- She can do the moonwalk
- She laughs at our lame jokes
- She tells us to shut up
- She lets us call her Shanny and Emshaz and Shazza and Emmy and Em and ShizShaz and Shazhole and Shizhole and many other nicknames
- She went in dancing with the staff
- She tries to get angry but it just looks funny
- She has msn
- She talks to us about Timmy and Lukey
- She looks like Yancy
- She tries to pretend she doesnt think she looks like Yancy
- Shes nice to all her brothers and sisters
- She tells us cool stories about her family and cuba and jury duty and crap
- She takes our suggestions, like the one Beth gave her about making a blog, and the one I gave her about watching Dirty Dancing
- Shes easy to stalk
- She gets jealous when I try to stalk other people
- She has a matrix coat
- She knows shes cool
- She helped me pick a modern topic to study
- She reads my blog
and the number one reason why Shanny rocks my world...?
- She finally admitted I rock her world too
top ten
Top Ten Classic and Almost Impossibly Unbelievable Home and Away Plotlines (so far)
10: The one where Hayley tried to make a body mould of Alexei, but the plaster dried and she couldnt get it off and he almost suffocated to death.
9: The one where it turned out that Kirsty and Jade actually werent twins, and Kirstys twin was actually Laura. Then Kirsty got lazy so she got Laura to take the HSC for her.
8: The one where Amanda conducted an adults only photo shoot on Summer Bay Beach.
7: The one Noah tried to seduce Hayley on the beach by saying (and i quote) "ah! my sexy love! i wish you worshipped your body by firelight!" before realising that he was actually serenading none other than Alf Stewert.
6: The one where Sally had sex with Heath Ledger in his caravan.
5: The one where Kirsty got married to the guy who raped her sister.
4: The one where they somehow turned the fact that Mattie got sunburnt into the fact that Flynn was going to die in 3 months of melanoma.
3: The one where Zoe The Stalker died in the factory fire, but wait, no she didnt! It was actually her young accomplice who just happened to have the same hair colour, eye colour, body shape, height and weight as her.
2: The one where Vinnie supposedly died in a gaol fire, but then he came back as part of the witness relocation program and visitied VJ's birthday party dressed as a giant bear.
1: The one where Alf was going to die, so he went shopping for coffins and found a ghost of his dead wife inside of one. Then suddenly, he wasnt going to die anymore!
10: The one where Hayley tried to make a body mould of Alexei, but the plaster dried and she couldnt get it off and he almost suffocated to death.
9: The one where it turned out that Kirsty and Jade actually werent twins, and Kirstys twin was actually Laura. Then Kirsty got lazy so she got Laura to take the HSC for her.
8: The one where Amanda conducted an adults only photo shoot on Summer Bay Beach.
7: The one Noah tried to seduce Hayley on the beach by saying (and i quote) "ah! my sexy love! i wish you worshipped your body by firelight!" before realising that he was actually serenading none other than Alf Stewert.
6: The one where Sally had sex with Heath Ledger in his caravan.
5: The one where Kirsty got married to the guy who raped her sister.
4: The one where they somehow turned the fact that Mattie got sunburnt into the fact that Flynn was going to die in 3 months of melanoma.
3: The one where Zoe The Stalker died in the factory fire, but wait, no she didnt! It was actually her young accomplice who just happened to have the same hair colour, eye colour, body shape, height and weight as her.
2: The one where Vinnie supposedly died in a gaol fire, but then he came back as part of the witness relocation program and visitied VJ's birthday party dressed as a giant bear.
1: The one where Alf was going to die, so he went shopping for coffins and found a ghost of his dead wife inside of one. Then suddenly, he wasnt going to die anymore!
did i just hear what i thought i heard?
(on an add for laser hair removal)
woman: dont you just hate having hair on your legs and chest?
someone please. tell me im wrong
woman: dont you just hate having hair on your legs and chest?
someone please. tell me im wrong
Sunday, June 25, 2006
ode to paul walker
paul walker is hot
i love him alot
paul walker is fine
i wish he was mine
paul walker is smart
likes strawberry tarts
paul walker is tanned
probably in some cool band
paul walker is fit
dont you know it?
paul walker can dance
even with no pants
paul walker has fame
but he is not lame
id like to be carried...
oh dammit hes married!
paul walker can talk
paul walker can walk
paul walker like chalk
paul walker - i stalk
i love him alot
paul walker is fine
i wish he was mine
paul walker is smart
likes strawberry tarts
paul walker is tanned
probably in some cool band
paul walker is fit
dont you know it?
paul walker can dance
even with no pants
paul walker has fame
but he is not lame
id like to be carried...
oh dammit hes married!
paul walker can talk
paul walker can walk
paul walker like chalk
paul walker - i stalk
Saturday, June 24, 2006
top 10
Jackis top ten embarassing moments (so far)
10. That time everyone found out I owned the book by paris hilton and the book by nicole richie
9. That time I corrected someone for saying the word impossible ("actually, its umpossible. impossible isnt a word")
8. That time someone told me that space was 3D and i replied "which space?"
7. That time my netball skirt fell off in the middle of a game
6. That time my mum found me dancing to leo sayer in our living room
5. That time my skirt blew up in the westfield carpark and i didnt notice so i kept walking
4. That time Mel dacked me when we were riding in the back of Sair's dad's ute
3. That time my pants got caught on the side of a dumpster and I ripped a huge hole in the ass, then I had to catch the bus home
2. That time my cozi fell off during swimming lessons in year 2
1. That time i was in the middle of a rendition of the dance scene by tom cruise in Risky Business after just having got out of the shower when i realised our bay windows were open and my neighbours were all staring at me.
(next top 10: classic home and away plotlines)
The Greenwich...?
similar to what i did about a year ago, when Beth n Mel n crap were trying to name their band and i came up with a whole list of names that everyone thought were stupid and i thought were brilliant.
except this time its our netball team whose been trying to think of a name for like the past 7 years (ever since Julia named us "the greenwich geckos" and everyones been trying to think of a better one but a)they cant and b)julia refuses to let go of the gecko era)
so obviously i came up with some of my own.
except this time its our netball team whose been trying to think of a name for like the past 7 years (ever since Julia named us "the greenwich geckos" and everyones been trying to think of a better one but a)they cant and b)julia refuses to let go of the gecko era)
so obviously i came up with some of my own.
- the greenwich gnomes
- the greenwich sandwiches
- the greenwich g-strings
- the greenwich full briefs
- the greenwich men
- the greenwich munches
- the greenwich pats
- the greenwich g-units
- the greenwich hangnails
- the greenwich chucks
- the greenwich sloths
- the greenwich shanahans
Thursday, June 22, 2006
just randomly
just randomly - a new weekly column which irrationally attempts to answer all of life's incongruous questions. submit a question...i dare you
The Pad Ad
So. the pad ad.
we all know it. the one with some girl trying to squeeze herself into the smallest size of every piece of clothing she owns. you know. the jeans. the shirt. the boots. then she gets her boyfriend to "grab her a pad" out of the draw.
ok. OK
WHAT???!!!!
first of all...WHATS WITH THE PAD BEING IN THE DRAW? why would it be in the bedroom next to the tv??? it should be IN THE BATHROOM, IN A DRAW, UNDER A FERAL OLD HAIRBRUSH where NO ONE ON EARTH has to look at it.
second of all...what is the pad doing already unwrapped? doesnt the lady know how unhygenic that is? it makes me want to vomit. shes going to get toxic shock syndrome and DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH BECAUSE SHE LEFT HER FILTHY PAD UNWRAPPED IN THE DRAW WHERE HER BOYFRIEND CAN LOOK AT IT AND PLAY WITH IT!!!!
and lastly...WHY WOULD SHE WASTE HER TIME EXPLAINING TO HER BOYFRIEND WHICH TYPE OF PAD SHE SHOULD USE WHEN...
A) he doesnt care
B) he doesnt need to know
C) she is probably LEAKING all OVER THE PLACE
so.
soo.
an explanation?
the boyfriend is a woman. disguised as a man. but not very well.
The Pad Ad
So. the pad ad.
we all know it. the one with some girl trying to squeeze herself into the smallest size of every piece of clothing she owns. you know. the jeans. the shirt. the boots. then she gets her boyfriend to "grab her a pad" out of the draw.
ok. OK
WHAT???!!!!
first of all...WHATS WITH THE PAD BEING IN THE DRAW? why would it be in the bedroom next to the tv??? it should be IN THE BATHROOM, IN A DRAW, UNDER A FERAL OLD HAIRBRUSH where NO ONE ON EARTH has to look at it.
second of all...what is the pad doing already unwrapped? doesnt the lady know how unhygenic that is? it makes me want to vomit. shes going to get toxic shock syndrome and DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH BECAUSE SHE LEFT HER FILTHY PAD UNWRAPPED IN THE DRAW WHERE HER BOYFRIEND CAN LOOK AT IT AND PLAY WITH IT!!!!
and lastly...WHY WOULD SHE WASTE HER TIME EXPLAINING TO HER BOYFRIEND WHICH TYPE OF PAD SHE SHOULD USE WHEN...
A) he doesnt care
B) he doesnt need to know
C) she is probably LEAKING all OVER THE PLACE
so.
soo.
an explanation?
the boyfriend is a woman. disguised as a man. but not very well.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
That Time I Met...Otzi
Jacki: He's fierce, he's fast, he's frozen...its ICEMAN
Otzi: Actually it's otzi
Jacki: Otzi like that library dude?
Otzi: No dumbass, Otzi like me. I own that library dude.
Jacki: Wow...kinky. And can I just say that your appearance makes me want to vomit? Anyway, tell us about yourself Otzi, hows life in the old...alps...
Otzi: Well you know, not so good. It was ok until I died a horrible death from a combination of hypothermia, skull lacerations, and you know, just being myself. Then I was in for 5,000 odd years of being trampled over in the snow until two randoms discovered my mutated corpse. At this point I thought hey, I've been found, maybe I'm in for some tlc now, but no, they proceeded to ignore the fact that im 5000 years old, an important historical artefact, one of the only remnants of my time, and not to mention dead sexy, and got some bearded fatty to rip me from under some boulder, sling me over his shoulder and lug me to the nearest ice station.
Jacki: Wow. Too bad.
Otzi: Shut up. Now, did I mention I dont have a penis? Thats right, no penis for Otzi. I mean, what are the odds. I dont have a vagina either. I mean, I could have at least retained one from my days as an ancient furry tranvestite prostitute, but no, the nads freeze off and im left with what looks like a shrivelled prune glued in between my legs.
Jacki: Um
Otzi: And have you seen my face? I mean, I've seen better things to look at inside the creases on a dead elephants anus.
Jacki: I'm not going to deny that.
Otzi: Yeah. Well I tried to get back into my old career, you know, as a man-whore, but I dont know, for some reason people dont want to be seen naked with 5000 year old skeletons.
Jacki: Hard to believe...
Otzi: Shut up. I know you want me bad.
Jacki: Well I wont deny that either.
Otzi: Maybe the whole whore thing would work better if i had some prositute-y clothes. Where's that Jess chick? Maybe I can borrow her boots...
THE END
Otzi: Actually it's otzi
Jacki: Otzi like that library dude?
Otzi: No dumbass, Otzi like me. I own that library dude.
Jacki: Wow...kinky. And can I just say that your appearance makes me want to vomit? Anyway, tell us about yourself Otzi, hows life in the old...alps...
Otzi: Well you know, not so good. It was ok until I died a horrible death from a combination of hypothermia, skull lacerations, and you know, just being myself. Then I was in for 5,000 odd years of being trampled over in the snow until two randoms discovered my mutated corpse. At this point I thought hey, I've been found, maybe I'm in for some tlc now, but no, they proceeded to ignore the fact that im 5000 years old, an important historical artefact, one of the only remnants of my time, and not to mention dead sexy, and got some bearded fatty to rip me from under some boulder, sling me over his shoulder and lug me to the nearest ice station.
Jacki: Wow. Too bad.
Otzi: Shut up. Now, did I mention I dont have a penis? Thats right, no penis for Otzi. I mean, what are the odds. I dont have a vagina either. I mean, I could have at least retained one from my days as an ancient furry tranvestite prostitute, but no, the nads freeze off and im left with what looks like a shrivelled prune glued in between my legs.
Jacki: Um
Otzi: And have you seen my face? I mean, I've seen better things to look at inside the creases on a dead elephants anus.
Jacki: I'm not going to deny that.
Otzi: Yeah. Well I tried to get back into my old career, you know, as a man-whore, but I dont know, for some reason people dont want to be seen naked with 5000 year old skeletons.
Jacki: Hard to believe...
Otzi: Shut up. I know you want me bad.
Jacki: Well I wont deny that either.
Otzi: Maybe the whole whore thing would work better if i had some prositute-y clothes. Where's that Jess chick? Maybe I can borrow her boots...
THE END
Elizabeth Maree Davies Docker
so
beth
beth is cool. beth forced me to write this blog. practically forced me. she said "write a blog about me. if you do ill write a blog about you". well that might not have happened.
i love beth. beth is 16 and she has short-ish hair that is dyed but it doesnt looked dyed if you know what i mean. you know how some people have dyed hair and you're totally like "your hair is so dyed". well not with beth. beths hair is nice. i wish i had hair like that. not me, i have hanus hair. hanus like a fox.
beth and i have modern together. we always have crazy times in modern by pissing off emshaz even though she totally loves us and cant bring herself to punish us except that sometimes she does. but oh well. beth and i do lots of cool stuff in modern like talk and scream and laugh and talk to emmy. actually the only thing we dont do in modern is the work, which shows in my results (which are dismal) but dont show in beths (because she is a freak)
thats right. beth is smart. beth used to do smart maths but now she does general maths. i used to do smart maths too. but unlike beth, i was crap at smart maths. i am also crap at general maths. im crap at most things. this post is actually becoming more about me *slaps myself*.
beth has a boyfriend called ben. they do heaps of stuff together like go to places where crazy people slap you in the face. it sounds like fun. beth and ben are so cute together, they do heaps of cute stuff, like the time ben wrote beth a card on their one year anniversery. beth let me read that card. it was cute.
beth likes miss shanahan. well sometimes. apart from when she's mean. which is sometimes. but beth loves her anyway.
beth likes to do heaps of cool stuff like sing and dance and work at peter alexander and play the guitar and strangle me with computer extension cords (which she is doing right now).
beth also likes to stalk people with me. we stalk people together, mostly emshaz, which is fun, because everyone gets freaked out. casey helps too. so does google earth.
beth is in preston. preston used to be cool but now theyre not because they are becoming the "Loser House" instead of cuthbert, which is handy, because i am:
a) in cuthbert
b) tired of being a loser
beth is good at lots of things too. beth has a cool house and a cool pool and a cool dog which scares me a little because of its teeth. but the dog is also cool. beth has two brothers called callum and michael who ride bikes until their legs fall off. one time, beth had to go to queensland in the middle of school to watch her brothers ride their little bikes. she was angry. i was jealous.
beth and i get in lots of trouble together by most of our teachers, and some teachers that we dont even have, like the boof. actually we get in most trouble from the boof.
theres alot more stuff about beth but i cant be bothered to type any more, so if you want to know just shut up and go to www.bethsmeegos.blogspot.com
i love you beffy :)
beth
beth is cool. beth forced me to write this blog. practically forced me. she said "write a blog about me. if you do ill write a blog about you". well that might not have happened.
i love beth. beth is 16 and she has short-ish hair that is dyed but it doesnt looked dyed if you know what i mean. you know how some people have dyed hair and you're totally like "your hair is so dyed". well not with beth. beths hair is nice. i wish i had hair like that. not me, i have hanus hair. hanus like a fox.
beth and i have modern together. we always have crazy times in modern by pissing off emshaz even though she totally loves us and cant bring herself to punish us except that sometimes she does. but oh well. beth and i do lots of cool stuff in modern like talk and scream and laugh and talk to emmy. actually the only thing we dont do in modern is the work, which shows in my results (which are dismal) but dont show in beths (because she is a freak)
thats right. beth is smart. beth used to do smart maths but now she does general maths. i used to do smart maths too. but unlike beth, i was crap at smart maths. i am also crap at general maths. im crap at most things. this post is actually becoming more about me *slaps myself*.
beth has a boyfriend called ben. they do heaps of stuff together like go to places where crazy people slap you in the face. it sounds like fun. beth and ben are so cute together, they do heaps of cute stuff, like the time ben wrote beth a card on their one year anniversery. beth let me read that card. it was cute.
beth likes miss shanahan. well sometimes. apart from when she's mean. which is sometimes. but beth loves her anyway.
beth likes to do heaps of cool stuff like sing and dance and work at peter alexander and play the guitar and strangle me with computer extension cords (which she is doing right now).
beth also likes to stalk people with me. we stalk people together, mostly emshaz, which is fun, because everyone gets freaked out. casey helps too. so does google earth.
beth is in preston. preston used to be cool but now theyre not because they are becoming the "Loser House" instead of cuthbert, which is handy, because i am:
a) in cuthbert
b) tired of being a loser
beth is good at lots of things too. beth has a cool house and a cool pool and a cool dog which scares me a little because of its teeth. but the dog is also cool. beth has two brothers called callum and michael who ride bikes until their legs fall off. one time, beth had to go to queensland in the middle of school to watch her brothers ride their little bikes. she was angry. i was jealous.
beth and i get in lots of trouble together by most of our teachers, and some teachers that we dont even have, like the boof. actually we get in most trouble from the boof.
theres alot more stuff about beth but i cant be bothered to type any more, so if you want to know just shut up and go to www.bethsmeegos.blogspot.com
i love you beffy :)
Sunday, June 18, 2006
just randomly
just randomly - a new weekly column which irrationally attempts to answer all of life's incongruous questions. submit a question...i dare you
The Huggies Nappies ad - what the hell is the little girl talking about?
we've all seen it. we've all cringed. we've all screamed obsenities and thrown lamps at the tv screen...thats right, the Huggies Nappies ad. if you've been living under a wet rock and you dont know what im talking about, ill clue you in
Little girl: mum uses Huggies Nappies for my brother, little Zaccy
Overvoice: and now Huggies Nappies cost even less!
Little girl: which means more nappies for Zaccy, and more left over for the other important things.
ok. what?
WHAT??? other important things??? little girl, there ARE no other important things!! you use nappies for babies nasty asses, and nothing else!! what the hell kind of household are you living in???
what is she talking about? ive been racking my brains to think of the answer, but there is no logic in what she says!!! there is NOTHING ELSE you can use a nappy for!!! NOTHING!!!
can you use it as a hat? NO!
can you use it as a boot? NO!
can you eat out of it? NO! WELL MAYBE BUT THAT WOULD BE GROSS!
so, my only conclusion is...that girl is on drugs.
The Huggies Nappies ad - what the hell is the little girl talking about?
we've all seen it. we've all cringed. we've all screamed obsenities and thrown lamps at the tv screen...thats right, the Huggies Nappies ad. if you've been living under a wet rock and you dont know what im talking about, ill clue you in
Little girl: mum uses Huggies Nappies for my brother, little Zaccy
Overvoice: and now Huggies Nappies cost even less!
Little girl: which means more nappies for Zaccy, and more left over for the other important things.
ok. what?
WHAT??? other important things??? little girl, there ARE no other important things!! you use nappies for babies nasty asses, and nothing else!! what the hell kind of household are you living in???
what is she talking about? ive been racking my brains to think of the answer, but there is no logic in what she says!!! there is NOTHING ELSE you can use a nappy for!!! NOTHING!!!
can you use it as a hat? NO!
can you use it as a boot? NO!
can you eat out of it? NO! WELL MAYBE BUT THAT WOULD BE GROSS!
so, my only conclusion is...that girl is on drugs.
if you had something named after you, it could turn out really good.
like say you had a dessert named after you. a really delicious dessert.
people would say "oh i wish i had a Jacki right now. yeah, a Jacki right now is just what i need. boy do i love Jacki's"
or if you had an ipod named after you, they would all say "those Jacki's, i wish i had one, but they're too expensive"
or if you had a copy of the new Harry Potter book named after you, they would say "dammit!! i really want a Jacki! but theyre all sold out! why do Jackis have to be so popular??"
Then again, it could also turn out really bad
imagine if they named a new type of underwear after you...
"man, this sucks, i cant get Jacki out from in-between my ass cheeks"
like say you had a dessert named after you. a really delicious dessert.
people would say "oh i wish i had a Jacki right now. yeah, a Jacki right now is just what i need. boy do i love Jacki's"
or if you had an ipod named after you, they would all say "those Jacki's, i wish i had one, but they're too expensive"
or if you had a copy of the new Harry Potter book named after you, they would say "dammit!! i really want a Jacki! but theyre all sold out! why do Jackis have to be so popular??"
Then again, it could also turn out really bad
imagine if they named a new type of underwear after you...
"man, this sucks, i cant get Jacki out from in-between my ass cheeks"
Friday, June 16, 2006
shower thoughts#8
so.
soo.
i had a thought.
vegetable. vagina. those are pretty similar words.
did anyone else notice? i did. i sure did. so whats happens is, some people (like me) tend to shorten the world vegetable to veg. and some other people (like me) tend to shorten the word vagina to vag.
vag. veg. those are pretty similar words.
so similar you could screw yourself up pretty bad with them. like, in the middle of the dinner....
Small child: hey dad, pass the vag
Dad: (hesitating) uh...ok son...
Mum: (screams)
or like, at the hospital...
Woman: Help me doctor the babys coming! out of my veg!
Doctor: Out of your veg? What???
Woman: You call yourself a doctor?? Yes, my veg!!!
Doctor: Young lady, babies do NOT come out of these (points to carrot)
Woman: No, you dont understand
Doctor: Oh I understand perfectly. SECURITY get this crazy out of here!
Woman: (screams)
so careful! watch your a's and e's
soo.
i had a thought.
vegetable. vagina. those are pretty similar words.
did anyone else notice? i did. i sure did. so whats happens is, some people (like me) tend to shorten the world vegetable to veg. and some other people (like me) tend to shorten the word vagina to vag.
vag. veg. those are pretty similar words.
so similar you could screw yourself up pretty bad with them. like, in the middle of the dinner....
Small child: hey dad, pass the vag
Dad: (hesitating) uh...ok son...
Mum: (screams)
or like, at the hospital...
Woman: Help me doctor the babys coming! out of my veg!
Doctor: Out of your veg? What???
Woman: You call yourself a doctor?? Yes, my veg!!!
Doctor: Young lady, babies do NOT come out of these (points to carrot)
Woman: No, you dont understand
Doctor: Oh I understand perfectly. SECURITY get this crazy out of here!
Woman: (screams)
so careful! watch your a's and e's
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Thursday, June 08, 2006
shazza rocks my insignificant life
OHMIGOLLY so we had dancing with the staff today, em-shaz was so hot tapping away, like an over-the-hill-done-up-in-whorish-year-nine-makeup-shirley-temple someone.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
carnival folk
OHmigosh so ok today was the athletics carnival and it was pretty fun.
i wore a waistcoat. we all did heaps of stuff like me beff han n kc stalked the shan for like half an hour and invited her to our picnic BUT she said no and THEN she made us carry these stupid athletics tool thingies ALL the way across the stupid stupid oval and they like mauled beths arms off.
then it got hot and we got hungry so we went back to our seats and mauled jess's waterbottle which weighs a dillion litres and ate a whole bag of chips. then it was like a billion degrees and we were dying because it was so hot so julia and i put our jumpers on our heads and pretended to be grim reapers and then we made beth be the priest of our grim reaper marriage which was v. romantic.
then it was way to hot so we went and sat outside the bathrooms and read cosmo and laughed at hillary duff and kieth urban because neither of them have orgasms, and these women with collosal nipples, and we tied julias arms and legs together and laughed at her.
basically that was it for the day apart from me and julia trying to get changed on the bus which was considerably hard because the bus kept turning corners and i kept sliding off the seat and my stockings were exploding all over the shop.
good times.
i wore a waistcoat. we all did heaps of stuff like me beff han n kc stalked the shan for like half an hour and invited her to our picnic BUT she said no and THEN she made us carry these stupid athletics tool thingies ALL the way across the stupid stupid oval and they like mauled beths arms off.
then it got hot and we got hungry so we went back to our seats and mauled jess's waterbottle which weighs a dillion litres and ate a whole bag of chips. then it was like a billion degrees and we were dying because it was so hot so julia and i put our jumpers on our heads and pretended to be grim reapers and then we made beth be the priest of our grim reaper marriage which was v. romantic.
then it was way to hot so we went and sat outside the bathrooms and read cosmo and laughed at hillary duff and kieth urban because neither of them have orgasms, and these women with collosal nipples, and we tied julias arms and legs together and laughed at her.
basically that was it for the day apart from me and julia trying to get changed on the bus which was considerably hard because the bus kept turning corners and i kept sliding off the seat and my stockings were exploding all over the shop.
good times.
Monday, May 29, 2006
pubic armour
if you think about it, i mean really think about it, the smartest thing to do is to make armour out of pubic hairs.
I mean think about it. would you touch anyone elses pube? i dont think so! So if you were covered with pubes, all over your body woven together by people who dont care that all they do all day is weave pubes together to make armour, then no one would touch you, and you would never ever ever in a million years be hurt by anyone because everyone would be too scared to come near you incase they accidentally touched you and everyone would mock and ridicule them for the rest of their lives, screaming
"Dont touch her! She touched the pube! THE PUUUUUBE"
It would almost be as bad as eating a caramel slice that has a pubic hair on it.
I mean think about it. would you touch anyone elses pube? i dont think so! So if you were covered with pubes, all over your body woven together by people who dont care that all they do all day is weave pubes together to make armour, then no one would touch you, and you would never ever ever in a million years be hurt by anyone because everyone would be too scared to come near you incase they accidentally touched you and everyone would mock and ridicule them for the rest of their lives, screaming
"Dont touch her! She touched the pube! THE PUUUUUBE"
It would almost be as bad as eating a caramel slice that has a pubic hair on it.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
now who's laughing?
today.
was.
random.
like in maths the teachers are all "we know ur doing general and yes ur going to be in mr obriens class but because we are so old and slow and we take 20 years to do one word of paperwork, you have to stay in advanced until we're finished and decide to stop being such munches. oh, and while ur in advanced you can do work from the general book, even though we all know perfectly well that you dont actually own a general book, and that the general class is doing shares on the computer at the moment, and no, we will not let you do that"
so basically, i can sit in the advanced class, but i cant do general and i cant do advanced.
so all i have to say is "hahahaha!".
i mean, i cant believe the teachers would actually be stupid enough to fall into such an obvious trap. if they really knew me they would know that im the kind of person who would rather chew off her own hand than do maths by choice, and here they have actually handed me the chance to sit in class and stare out the window for 50 minutes without being persecuted for it.
life is good.
was.
random.
like in maths the teachers are all "we know ur doing general and yes ur going to be in mr obriens class but because we are so old and slow and we take 20 years to do one word of paperwork, you have to stay in advanced until we're finished and decide to stop being such munches. oh, and while ur in advanced you can do work from the general book, even though we all know perfectly well that you dont actually own a general book, and that the general class is doing shares on the computer at the moment, and no, we will not let you do that"
so basically, i can sit in the advanced class, but i cant do general and i cant do advanced.
so all i have to say is "hahahaha!".
i mean, i cant believe the teachers would actually be stupid enough to fall into such an obvious trap. if they really knew me they would know that im the kind of person who would rather chew off her own hand than do maths by choice, and here they have actually handed me the chance to sit in class and stare out the window for 50 minutes without being persecuted for it.
life is good.
utter confusion
i have a feeling.
you know that feeling of total and utter confusion you get when, say, i dont know, you realise that despite the total hatred shown towards you by someone, lets say, oh, your modern teacher, you still, hmm, lets see, love them anyway?
emmy. if ur reading this. which i know you are. because you cant bare to be away from me for more than one second. i have to ask you...why do we all love you so much? if you were old we so wouldnt. despite:
you know that feeling of total and utter confusion you get when, say, i dont know, you realise that despite the total hatred shown towards you by someone, lets say, oh, your modern teacher, you still, hmm, lets see, love them anyway?
emmy. if ur reading this. which i know you are. because you cant bare to be away from me for more than one second. i have to ask you...why do we all love you so much? if you were old we so wouldnt. despite:
- the filthy looks i get whenever i even think about taking a breath
- the exasperated sighs i get when i ask stupid rhetorical questions
- the taunting of my bad marks despite the fact that my marks arent bad.
- the eye rolls
- the "jacki stop rocking on your chair before I stab you" thing
- the "jacki stop talking before I stab you" thing
- the "jacki stop threatening to stab me before I stab you" thing
- the shut ups
- the determination to show no human emotion towards me
yes, yes, even despite these things and more we still all love u emmy-em-poops.
even me.
especially me.
Friday, May 19, 2006
the end of an era
wooo im jumping for joy because i just had my last mathematics lesson EVER!! becoz i failed mi maths exam n got 40% n the Briss is like get out of my class you piece of dumb person and i was like with pleasure lady so im going to MR OBRIENS class which is SO cool because he watches home and away and so do i so we're sure to bond over the mutual love for a classic australian night time soap.
i am so excited.
anyway tonight i have to babysit kids in my netball team that i coach and i am so excited about never having to sit through another hanus hanus advanced maths lesson again that i will probably go on a rampage and stab them and eat all of their pre-packed school lunches.
these are the kind of kids that ask you if they can go to bed early, its so hilarious, but tonight, ohhh tonight things will be different, because usually the conversation goes like this:
Children: Please Jacki can we go to bed and leave you to eat all our pre-packed lunches and watch our dvd's.
Jacki: Of course my little angels
But tonight I am so excited about NO MATHS that the conversation will get out of hand and will go like this:
Children: Please Jack can we go to bed and leavr you to eat all our pre-packed lunches and watch our dvd's.
Jacki: YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS *stab stab* mwaaahahahahahahahhahaha *claps*
i am so excited.
anyway tonight i have to babysit kids in my netball team that i coach and i am so excited about never having to sit through another hanus hanus advanced maths lesson again that i will probably go on a rampage and stab them and eat all of their pre-packed school lunches.
these are the kind of kids that ask you if they can go to bed early, its so hilarious, but tonight, ohhh tonight things will be different, because usually the conversation goes like this:
Children: Please Jacki can we go to bed and leave you to eat all our pre-packed lunches and watch our dvd's.
Jacki: Of course my little angels
But tonight I am so excited about NO MATHS that the conversation will get out of hand and will go like this:
Children: Please Jack can we go to bed and leavr you to eat all our pre-packed lunches and watch our dvd's.
Jacki: YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS *stab stab* mwaaahahahahahahahhahaha *claps*
Thursday, May 18, 2006
marissa the gutter queen
ha still in dt now we're talking about how if marissa died mischa bartons career would go so downhill and she would spend all the money she made off the oc in like 2 weeks on soy crackers and bean coloured milk and she'd end up living in a gutter somewhere screaming at everyone who walked past that she used to be a big star and trying to sell clown figurines made out of scraps of her hair and old cardboard boxes.
people would pay big money to see that.
but not to her
people would pay big money to see that.
but not to her
dtdtdtdtdt
OHMIGOSH im in dt and SOOO bored because im supposed to be doing some project brief thing but im really bad at typing things that r like gramatically correct so im like mah ill do it later.
even tho its due tomorro.
but really im so excited right now becoz beff is bloggin n shes like 2 computers away from me and i love it when beth blogs because its always about something relevant unlike whatever i blog about which is something random about how im annoyed because i have to walk all the way home this afternoon and i dont even have my ipod.
uh! that ipod is tight son.
OHMIGOSH lauren just came in, HI LAUREN! i love lauren we have economics together and its always a joyful event except for that i always fail.
now we're all talking about how Marissa shud die on the oc and that theres basically no other way for her to die apart from getting a terminal disease becoz every other cause of death has already been used on the oc, like someone drowned, had a heart attack, almost commited suicide, got hit by a car (theyve used that like three times), fell off a cliff and got shot.
so basically marissa should either get a disease which is so bad that they cant save her by cutting off all her hair or she can die in childbirth. or she can get attacked by a giant bear.
even tho its due tomorro.
but really im so excited right now becoz beff is bloggin n shes like 2 computers away from me and i love it when beth blogs because its always about something relevant unlike whatever i blog about which is something random about how im annoyed because i have to walk all the way home this afternoon and i dont even have my ipod.
uh! that ipod is tight son.
OHMIGOSH lauren just came in, HI LAUREN! i love lauren we have economics together and its always a joyful event except for that i always fail.
now we're all talking about how Marissa shud die on the oc and that theres basically no other way for her to die apart from getting a terminal disease becoz every other cause of death has already been used on the oc, like someone drowned, had a heart attack, almost commited suicide, got hit by a car (theyve used that like three times), fell off a cliff and got shot.
so basically marissa should either get a disease which is so bad that they cant save her by cutting off all her hair or she can die in childbirth. or she can get attacked by a giant bear.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
The Bronte Bums
I return. Still in english extension, since my last post I wrote about seven words.
we're supposed to be writing some crap about the bronte children, some boring bunch of boring tools who got born and some of them died randomly, then the others went on to write some random crap like Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights who you only read if your name is Jimmy and your reading to an old lady while eating stale chocolate cake in a blue suit that she gave you for christmas and then forgot about it
(lauren you know what im talking about baby)
anway im up the back with my computer faced the wrong way so miss everyhamm (or should i call her miss kwinaye or whatever) cant see what im doing.
anyway the only cool thing about the bronte family is that they must have been on drugs or something because me and beth figured out that the mother, whose name was maria, had two children called maria and elizabeth, and they had an aunt called elizabeth, who was marias sister, and she also had a child called maria, who had two children called maria and elizabeth.
i mean no one who is not on pot is stupid enough to name that many people in their family maria and elizabeth, apart from my own family, who has four tonys, five tobys, two helens, two johns, three oscars, three janes and two catherines, plus alot of other randoms.
we're supposed to be writing some crap about the bronte children, some boring bunch of boring tools who got born and some of them died randomly, then the others went on to write some random crap like Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights who you only read if your name is Jimmy and your reading to an old lady while eating stale chocolate cake in a blue suit that she gave you for christmas and then forgot about it
(lauren you know what im talking about baby)
anway im up the back with my computer faced the wrong way so miss everyhamm (or should i call her miss kwinaye or whatever) cant see what im doing.
anyway the only cool thing about the bronte family is that they must have been on drugs or something because me and beth figured out that the mother, whose name was maria, had two children called maria and elizabeth, and they had an aunt called elizabeth, who was marias sister, and she also had a child called maria, who had two children called maria and elizabeth.
i mean no one who is not on pot is stupid enough to name that many people in their family maria and elizabeth, apart from my own family, who has four tonys, five tobys, two helens, two johns, three oscars, three janes and two catherines, plus alot of other randoms.
lame eyre
sitting here in extention english wondering why i havent ripped up my copy of jane eyre yet because she is so annoying and should be condemned to a fate that is no higher than having to live the rest of her life in a deep dark hole with no food, water, electricity, family, communication, music, tv, media, entertainment, books, light, towels, people to talk to, writing tools, teachers, pets, clothes, shoes, hairties, bottles of shampoo or conditioner, bookmarks, tassles, curtains, shower shoes, shopping vouchers, credit cards, tv antennas or copies of Laguna Beach on dvd.
Friday, May 12, 2006
home and away - THE SHIZ!
home and away. is. my life
seriously all of the people in it are people i know.
alf - my dad.
irene - my mum.
cassie - julia.
ric - anyone im in love with.
rachel - julia.
tasha - issi.
martha - beth.
kim - pat.
lucas - sam.
jack - mike.
barry - jack.
colleen - catherine.
mattie - ellen.
sally - mrs hannah.
and so on...
seriously all of the people in it are people i know.
alf - my dad.
irene - my mum.
cassie - julia.
ric - anyone im in love with.
rachel - julia.
tasha - issi.
martha - beth.
kim - pat.
lucas - sam.
jack - mike.
barry - jack.
colleen - catherine.
mattie - ellen.
sally - mrs hannah.
and so on...
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
shower thoughts#7
like, imagine if our heads and our reproductive organs switched places.
so your face is between your legs, and your...eh hem....fanny? is on your neck.
how weird is that going to look? i mean, seriously, think about it. you'd have to wear special pants with a huge hole in the crotch. you know, you could wear ass-less chaps, they would work.
and like, do you still wear undies? theres nothing to put in the leg holes, because obviously you dont have legs coming off your neck now, do you?
but you have to cover up your privates somehow, so what, do you just wear a doorag, or what? would that look weird? and what if you wore a hat, and it was windy, and it blew off your neck? and like, you would have to go chase it, but how weird would that be? think about it. it would be like a naked man chasing a pair of undies down the street.
and like, how hard would it be to wash your hair? haha, i know what you dirty people are thinking, i meant the hair on your HEAD.
you know what would be even harder, having sex. does one of the people stand on their neck? what do your arms do? ohmigosh imagine driving. i cant even imagine it, it would be so weird.
or like, eating. you'd have to open your legs to eat. and put your neck in the bowl to go to the toilet.
seriously think about this for like 10 minutes. and be thankful that our heads are our heads, and our other parts are themselves too.
so your face is between your legs, and your...eh hem....fanny? is on your neck.
how weird is that going to look? i mean, seriously, think about it. you'd have to wear special pants with a huge hole in the crotch. you know, you could wear ass-less chaps, they would work.
and like, do you still wear undies? theres nothing to put in the leg holes, because obviously you dont have legs coming off your neck now, do you?
but you have to cover up your privates somehow, so what, do you just wear a doorag, or what? would that look weird? and what if you wore a hat, and it was windy, and it blew off your neck? and like, you would have to go chase it, but how weird would that be? think about it. it would be like a naked man chasing a pair of undies down the street.
and like, how hard would it be to wash your hair? haha, i know what you dirty people are thinking, i meant the hair on your HEAD.
you know what would be even harder, having sex. does one of the people stand on their neck? what do your arms do? ohmigosh imagine driving. i cant even imagine it, it would be so weird.
or like, eating. you'd have to open your legs to eat. and put your neck in the bowl to go to the toilet.
seriously think about this for like 10 minutes. and be thankful that our heads are our heads, and our other parts are themselves too.
holy crap.
i just like looked up, and theres a window above the computer.
...was that always there? it looks pretty old. this is weird.
am i really that ignorant of my house that i didnt notice a window above the computer?
oh whatever.
you know what, year of love is totally down the toilet right now. you know what else, so is this blog.
these days, with these kids, its all "my space this" and "livejournal that", but dont worry blogger, i wont leave you.
well, i might leave you. i make lots of pacts that i dont seem to keep, like my pact to study, or do homework, or listen in class, or get fit. but ill never break my pact to not buy a Mathaid from mrs brisset. my pacts against her are always strong.
even if it does mean ill fail maths.
i just like looked up, and theres a window above the computer.
...was that always there? it looks pretty old. this is weird.
am i really that ignorant of my house that i didnt notice a window above the computer?
oh whatever.
you know what, year of love is totally down the toilet right now. you know what else, so is this blog.
these days, with these kids, its all "my space this" and "livejournal that", but dont worry blogger, i wont leave you.
well, i might leave you. i make lots of pacts that i dont seem to keep, like my pact to study, or do homework, or listen in class, or get fit. but ill never break my pact to not buy a Mathaid from mrs brisset. my pacts against her are always strong.
even if it does mean ill fail maths.
Monday, May 08, 2006
you know what i was just thinking?
the people they use to demonstrate a "bad hair day" on those garnier fructis shampoo ads have hair like my hair on a good day.
that is so annoying right now.
you know what else is totally annoying right now? like, exams. they are so annoying. im like shut up! like today during modern i was totally like, what is the point in me writing down all this stuff that mr watson already knows.
or he should already know it.
if he doesnt hes pretty silly. i would smack his bottom if he didnt.
the people they use to demonstrate a "bad hair day" on those garnier fructis shampoo ads have hair like my hair on a good day.
that is so annoying right now.
you know what else is totally annoying right now? like, exams. they are so annoying. im like shut up! like today during modern i was totally like, what is the point in me writing down all this stuff that mr watson already knows.
or he should already know it.
if he doesnt hes pretty silly. i would smack his bottom if he didnt.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
That Time I Met...Tutankhamun
Jacki: Holy crap folks at home, possibly the most famous person we have interviewed here on A Whole Lotta Crazy Crap on the walls yet.....TUTANKHAMUN!!
Tut: Hey there lassy, hows it going?
Jacki: Its good, its good.
Tut: One question for you lassy. Why me, lassy, why old Tutty? Why would you want to interview little old me.
Jacki: Well, I thought it was about time we interviewed a corpse. Seems interesting. I guess you could count Grudgy as a corpse, but then, it was never really...buried. Plus it was a real pain in my ass.
Tut: Ho, lassy, you made my day.
Jacki: Yeah, ok whatever. Shut up and answer my questions. So, your a pharaoh, right?
Tut: Oh I sure am, been since I was yay high to a grasshopper and a-ready for skipping in the fields.
Jacki: Right...so tell me, is miss mitchell crazy, or does the burial crap actually mean something?
Tut: Not sure if it does, my lassy. See I was a-dead long afore they put me in that old tomby, a-ho-ho-ho.
Jacki: Ok dude, enough. What...with...the accent??
Tut: Well, your the one writing this pointless interview, and you dont know what an Egyptian accent sounds like, so you made up this freaky, welsh slash scottish sounding one for me.
Jacki: Yeah, well at least I dont have some random bulbous skull, you woman.
Tut: Woman? WOMAN?? JUST BECAUSE I WEAR LACE-UP SANDALS AND EYELINER DOES NOT MAKE ME A WOMAN.
Jacki: What about the man-boobs?
Tut: Those can't be helped.
Jacki: Whatever.
THE END.
Tut: Hey there lassy, hows it going?
Jacki: Its good, its good.
Tut: One question for you lassy. Why me, lassy, why old Tutty? Why would you want to interview little old me.
Jacki: Well, I thought it was about time we interviewed a corpse. Seems interesting. I guess you could count Grudgy as a corpse, but then, it was never really...buried. Plus it was a real pain in my ass.
Tut: Ho, lassy, you made my day.
Jacki: Yeah, ok whatever. Shut up and answer my questions. So, your a pharaoh, right?
Tut: Oh I sure am, been since I was yay high to a grasshopper and a-ready for skipping in the fields.
Jacki: Right...so tell me, is miss mitchell crazy, or does the burial crap actually mean something?
Tut: Not sure if it does, my lassy. See I was a-dead long afore they put me in that old tomby, a-ho-ho-ho.
Jacki: Ok dude, enough. What...with...the accent??
Tut: Well, your the one writing this pointless interview, and you dont know what an Egyptian accent sounds like, so you made up this freaky, welsh slash scottish sounding one for me.
Jacki: Yeah, well at least I dont have some random bulbous skull, you woman.
Tut: Woman? WOMAN?? JUST BECAUSE I WEAR LACE-UP SANDALS AND EYELINER DOES NOT MAKE ME A WOMAN.
Jacki: What about the man-boobs?
Tut: Those can't be helped.
Jacki: Whatever.
THE END.
you know what i think?
i think our school was designed so that more people could witness my embarrasing moments.
take today for example.
i was innocently walking along the corridor to get my Othello which i accidentally-on-purpose left in my locker, when sarah suddenly starts running and then falls forward. luckily she saved herself by leaning against the side of the stairs which go down into r22.
Unfortunately for me, her legs were sticking out further into the hallway than I anticipated, so of course, i tripped over them and faceplanted straight into the floor right outside the top english classes room.
In any normal, caring, not-wishing-to-embarass-jacki-trew-beyond-all-reason school, only sarah and I would have witnessed the humiliation, but of course, since in our new building every wall, door, roof and window is made out of clear glass, the entire top english class also saw, much to their delight, and proceeded to laugh sarah and i, in all our clumsiness, out of the building.
i think its my shoes. how else would i fall over so many times in one schol day?
i think our school was designed so that more people could witness my embarrasing moments.
take today for example.
i was innocently walking along the corridor to get my Othello which i accidentally-on-purpose left in my locker, when sarah suddenly starts running and then falls forward. luckily she saved herself by leaning against the side of the stairs which go down into r22.
Unfortunately for me, her legs were sticking out further into the hallway than I anticipated, so of course, i tripped over them and faceplanted straight into the floor right outside the top english classes room.
In any normal, caring, not-wishing-to-embarass-jacki-trew-beyond-all-reason school, only sarah and I would have witnessed the humiliation, but of course, since in our new building every wall, door, roof and window is made out of clear glass, the entire top english class also saw, much to their delight, and proceeded to laugh sarah and i, in all our clumsiness, out of the building.
i think its my shoes. how else would i fall over so many times in one schol day?
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Wtf Mate?
todays wtf mate comes from some random family in some random place, with some wacked out random dog
enjoy
(picture below)
enjoy
(picture below)
OHMIGOSH miss shanahan i so DID NOT ignore you this morning.
you should know by now, when i talk, i talk so loudly that it is impossible for me or anyone else to hear anyone else, so if you want me to hear anything, you have to scream it into my ear and jump up and down in front of my face.
you know, maybe, i think, maybe you didnt even say hello to me. maybe you pretended you did so you could make me feel guilty about not saying hello to you, when, come on, how many times have i screamed out at you from across the playground and had you blatantly ignore me?
its ok. i forgive you.
of course
you should know by now, when i talk, i talk so loudly that it is impossible for me or anyone else to hear anyone else, so if you want me to hear anything, you have to scream it into my ear and jump up and down in front of my face.
you know, maybe, i think, maybe you didnt even say hello to me. maybe you pretended you did so you could make me feel guilty about not saying hello to you, when, come on, how many times have i screamed out at you from across the playground and had you blatantly ignore me?
its ok. i forgive you.
of course
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
"and i quote"
jackis infamous quotes of pure and simple idiocy
- "Which Lleyton Hewitt? The one that plays tennis or the one that plays basketball?"
- Kat: "My iceblock is kind of spikey" Jacki: "Maybe its the bones in it"
- Al: "Jacki, you are so impatient" Jacki: "Actually, its umpatient. Impatient isnt a word"
- "Am I famous for being a celebrity?"
- (After being told to shut up in a movie) "Yeah people, lets get some quiet in here!"
- "Whats the opposite of bald? Hairfull?"
- Jack: "Hey check it out, that girl has a mustache!" Jacki: "Where?" Jack: "Where do you think a mustache would be, dumbass"
- "Get the one with peppermint in it. Its healthier. Peppermints a fruit."
- (After seeing a yellow sunset from inside a building) "Whats that big yellow billboard?"
- (Pointing at a fountain) "How cool is that lake!"
more soon
Friday, April 28, 2006
absence of blog
julia u slacker!! ive blogged 20 times since u last blogged! yes, i counted!!
wait, make that 21 times! *gives look*
wait, make that 21 times! *gives look*
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Wtf Mate?
along with Shower Thoughts, Whats With That? and That Time I Met..., you know all have the privelage of enjoying the newest feature of my blog, Wtf Mate?
todays edition was sent from american newspaper the Chicago Tribune...heres something I bet you didnt know about old Bushy
(article below)
todays edition was sent from american newspaper the Chicago Tribune...heres something I bet you didnt know about old Bushy
(article below)
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
That Time I Met...The Grudge
jacki: iiiiiiiiits Grudgy!!!
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: right. so, how you doin there grudgy? or should i call you grudge? or mrs grudge...wait, ARE you a woman?
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: aaaaaaaaaaaaah it is then. so, aaaaaaaaaah, hows life in the old haunted house in Japan. still killing people?
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: thats great. good business I head, killing people. Mind if I get in on it?
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: thanks man, uh I mean woman, uh I mean thing. So listen, I was meaning to ask you, whats with all the killing people? I mean yeah, the first old lady looked pretty fun, but what, are you seriously going to kill everyone who goes in that house?
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: still angry huh? you know, they have classes for that
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: yeah, i know, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. got it. geez
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: oh my - security? SECURITY?? would someone get this freakhouse out of here?
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: ok, fine, calm down and you can stay.
thegrudge: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
jacki: .....huh
thegrudge: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
jacki: look, im really not......getting anything from this. Are you..are we playing charades?
thegrudge: UUuhh!! look bitch, ive been makin my creepy noise for like 6 solid minutes now. its not that easy on the old throat you know. geez. cut me some slack. I mean, first I fall in love with one of the sheens who rejects me, then my husband goes all a-track and kills me, now i have to haunt this crapheap of a house with my creepy son and some cat who doesnt even add to the story line, just runs around meowing and eating my noodles.
jacki: im...sorry?
thegrudge: sigh. ok. ive had kind of a rough day, if you could just lay down and let me suck the life out of you, thatd be great.
jacki: what??? are you kidding? sorry lady, no can do.
thegrudge: ok, fine. just come here a minute. i want to tell you a secret.
jacki: unless its how to kick the crap outta your dumb butt, i dont wanna hear about it.
thegrudge: fine. can i at least have one of those donuts over there?
jacki: sorry. staff only.
thegrudge: crap.
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: right. so, how you doin there grudgy? or should i call you grudge? or mrs grudge...wait, ARE you a woman?
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: aaaaaaaaaaaaah it is then. so, aaaaaaaaaah, hows life in the old haunted house in Japan. still killing people?
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: thats great. good business I head, killing people. Mind if I get in on it?
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: thanks man, uh I mean woman, uh I mean thing. So listen, I was meaning to ask you, whats with all the killing people? I mean yeah, the first old lady looked pretty fun, but what, are you seriously going to kill everyone who goes in that house?
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: still angry huh? you know, they have classes for that
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: yeah, i know, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. got it. geez
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: oh my - security? SECURITY?? would someone get this freakhouse out of here?
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: ok, fine, calm down and you can stay.
thegrudge: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
jacki: .....huh
thegrudge: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
jacki: look, im really not......getting anything from this. Are you..are we playing charades?
thegrudge: UUuhh!! look bitch, ive been makin my creepy noise for like 6 solid minutes now. its not that easy on the old throat you know. geez. cut me some slack. I mean, first I fall in love with one of the sheens who rejects me, then my husband goes all a-track and kills me, now i have to haunt this crapheap of a house with my creepy son and some cat who doesnt even add to the story line, just runs around meowing and eating my noodles.
jacki: im...sorry?
thegrudge: sigh. ok. ive had kind of a rough day, if you could just lay down and let me suck the life out of you, thatd be great.
jacki: what??? are you kidding? sorry lady, no can do.
thegrudge: ok, fine. just come here a minute. i want to tell you a secret.
jacki: unless its how to kick the crap outta your dumb butt, i dont wanna hear about it.
thegrudge: fine. can i at least have one of those donuts over there?
jacki: sorry. staff only.
thegrudge: crap.
pat the clone
pat is going to take over the world.
seriously. he is like a clone of everybody. julia, mark wahlberg, ryan, ben cousins, that guy i saw the other day....the list goes on.
once everyone realises that they are the same as pat, theyre going to band together with him, and it will be like an Army Of Pats and they will go around marching and shouting and whatnot, and eventually they'll cut the marching crap and all morph together into one giant pat, and for the rest of our lives we'll be forced to drink ginger beer and listen to dire straits and mow peoples lawns.
seriously. he is like a clone of everybody. julia, mark wahlberg, ryan, ben cousins, that guy i saw the other day....the list goes on.
once everyone realises that they are the same as pat, theyre going to band together with him, and it will be like an Army Of Pats and they will go around marching and shouting and whatnot, and eventually they'll cut the marching crap and all morph together into one giant pat, and for the rest of our lives we'll be forced to drink ginger beer and listen to dire straits and mow peoples lawns.
Monday, April 24, 2006
today was boring in everyway possible. except the afternoon. the morning was boring. got up. it was 10. too early. decided to go back to sleep but couldnt because cat was mauling side of face. got up. attempted to study. ate milo out of tin. felt sick. ate more milo. studied more. felt smarter. ate more milo. felt dumber. watched tv. laughed. went for walked to greenwich. ate. felt bloated. got eyebrows done. came home. made cookies. got bagged out by dad for wearing brazilian soccer jersey. had shower. blogged.
it was good
it was good
shower thoughts#5
Its common knowledge that if you butter a piece of toast and then drop it, it will always land buttered-side-down. Its also common knowledge that cats always land on their feet. So what would happen to a cat whose back has been buttered? Would it:
a) land on its feet
b) land on its back
c) land in the toaster
a) land on its feet
b) land on its back
c) land in the toaster
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Friday, April 21, 2006
whats with that
whats with people being not allowed to walk around the streets naked? i mean, what, whats wrong with that? so people are allowed to be born naked, but we're not allowed to walk out our front door to get the paper on sunday morning without wearing clothes?? whats wrong with that??
and whats with people not giving teenagers jobs? like they say "actually we'd prefer someone with more experience". fair enough, but how are people supposed to get experience if you wont even give them a job?? soon enough we'll have a nation of jobless teenagers and no one will know how to work the new registers at Coles because all the people with experience have died without employing any teenagers.
whats with tv? seriously, whats with it?? i mean, apart from Home and Away, The OC, Laguna Beach, Making The Band, The Simpsons, Untalkative Bunny, Futurama, American Dad, Lost, Prison Break, Next Top Model, Family Guy, Scrubs, Pimp My Ride, The Ashlee Simpson Show, Hannah Montanna, Mythbusters, TRL, MTV's Beachhouse, Will and Grace, Friends, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, Maury Povich, Jenny Jones, The Ellen Degeneres Show, The Tyra Banks Show, Australian Idol, Room Raiders, E!, Punkd, Saturday Night Live, Surf Girls, Made, Meet The Barkers, The Simple Life's 1 2 and 3, Daria, Friday Night Games, Baywatch and Blue Water High, it totally sucks.
whats with blocking people on msn? what, like, why would you do that? if you dont want to talk to someone, why would you add them? why would you do it? its just a waste of time. you add someone, you say one word to them, and then you block them. thats like, 8 seconds of your life, and you'll never get that 8 seconds back. its so lame.
whats with people in selective schools like not having to take half-yearly exams til year 11? whats with that??? arent they supposed to be the smarter half??? shouldnt they be doing all the work and becoming the important people, like the doctors and lawyers and script writers of Home and Away???
whats with some of the things people go to gaol for?? like i heard this one lady went to prison because her daughter was too fat. what, how does that make sense?? its not like this lady tied her kid to the bed and force fed her fried chicken and enchiladas for 12 and a half years, but she goes to gaol. and what does the kid do now? 12 year olds dont know how to make salad, but they do know the delivery number to pizza hut off by heart.
whats with people stalking their teachers.
whats with people making lists of stuff they dont get because they spend too much time writing lists about stuff they dont get.
and whats with people not giving teenagers jobs? like they say "actually we'd prefer someone with more experience". fair enough, but how are people supposed to get experience if you wont even give them a job?? soon enough we'll have a nation of jobless teenagers and no one will know how to work the new registers at Coles because all the people with experience have died without employing any teenagers.
whats with tv? seriously, whats with it?? i mean, apart from Home and Away, The OC, Laguna Beach, Making The Band, The Simpsons, Untalkative Bunny, Futurama, American Dad, Lost, Prison Break, Next Top Model, Family Guy, Scrubs, Pimp My Ride, The Ashlee Simpson Show, Hannah Montanna, Mythbusters, TRL, MTV's Beachhouse, Will and Grace, Friends, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, Maury Povich, Jenny Jones, The Ellen Degeneres Show, The Tyra Banks Show, Australian Idol, Room Raiders, E!, Punkd, Saturday Night Live, Surf Girls, Made, Meet The Barkers, The Simple Life's 1 2 and 3, Daria, Friday Night Games, Baywatch and Blue Water High, it totally sucks.
whats with blocking people on msn? what, like, why would you do that? if you dont want to talk to someone, why would you add them? why would you do it? its just a waste of time. you add someone, you say one word to them, and then you block them. thats like, 8 seconds of your life, and you'll never get that 8 seconds back. its so lame.
whats with people in selective schools like not having to take half-yearly exams til year 11? whats with that??? arent they supposed to be the smarter half??? shouldnt they be doing all the work and becoming the important people, like the doctors and lawyers and script writers of Home and Away???
whats with some of the things people go to gaol for?? like i heard this one lady went to prison because her daughter was too fat. what, how does that make sense?? its not like this lady tied her kid to the bed and force fed her fried chicken and enchiladas for 12 and a half years, but she goes to gaol. and what does the kid do now? 12 year olds dont know how to make salad, but they do know the delivery number to pizza hut off by heart.
whats with people stalking their teachers.
whats with people making lists of stuff they dont get because they spend too much time writing lists about stuff they dont get.
oh-so-clumsy
ok
so just in case you werent finding my blog entertaining enough, what with the shower thoughts and crude interviews with famous people and all, heres yet another one of my embarrasing moments...
about 5 days ago i was walking home from st leonards station, so i was like walking along the highway, next to all these shiny highrise buildings, which, being all shiny and big, naturally caught my attention. so i was walking along, reading my messages, checking my hair in the reflective windows on the buildings and looking through old pictures i have on my fone, and i didnt notice that some nobhead has left a massive roadblock on the pavement. so of course, because i am a blind, clumsy fool, i fell over it headfirst and faceplanted into the curb.
if ur not getting a good enough visual, check out this clip:
http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?ID=20
im the cat, the fence is the roadblock.
so just in case you werent finding my blog entertaining enough, what with the shower thoughts and crude interviews with famous people and all, heres yet another one of my embarrasing moments...
about 5 days ago i was walking home from st leonards station, so i was like walking along the highway, next to all these shiny highrise buildings, which, being all shiny and big, naturally caught my attention. so i was walking along, reading my messages, checking my hair in the reflective windows on the buildings and looking through old pictures i have on my fone, and i didnt notice that some nobhead has left a massive roadblock on the pavement. so of course, because i am a blind, clumsy fool, i fell over it headfirst and faceplanted into the curb.
if ur not getting a good enough visual, check out this clip:
http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?ID=20
im the cat, the fence is the roadblock.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
That Time I Met...Catherine Trew
note: this conversation actually happened
jacki: do we have to watch this?
catherine: yes
jacki: why its so boring
catherine: no its not. go away. if you dont want to watch it, go downstairs.
jacki: but its all dark and scary down there.
catherine: shut up
jacki: you shut up
catherine: no, you shut up.
jacki: your face
catherine: your mother
jacki: your mothers face
catherine: your uterus
jacki: your mothers uterus
catherine: what is wrong with us???
jacki: whats wrong with you??
catherine: get away from me
jacki: can i borrow your computer??? pleeeaaaasse?
catherine: no, shut up!
jacki: fine, im so not getting you a showbag.
catherine: whats your problem??? besides I can always get Danielle to get me a showbag.
jacki: fine
catherine: fine
jacki: fine
catherine: FINE
jacki: why are you so mean to me? everyone elses sisters are so nice.
catherine: oh as if they are.
jacki: ok maybe i made that up.
catherine: URGH get AWAY from me!!
jacki: you get away from me!!! YOUR NOT THE BOSS!!!
catherine: WELL NEITHER ARE YOU!!
(start slapping each other)
catherine: hey, how much do you feel like watching Titanic right now?
jacki: ok!
THE END
jacki: do we have to watch this?
catherine: yes
jacki: why its so boring
catherine: no its not. go away. if you dont want to watch it, go downstairs.
jacki: but its all dark and scary down there.
catherine: shut up
jacki: you shut up
catherine: no, you shut up.
jacki: your face
catherine: your mother
jacki: your mothers face
catherine: your uterus
jacki: your mothers uterus
catherine: what is wrong with us???
jacki: whats wrong with you??
catherine: get away from me
jacki: can i borrow your computer??? pleeeaaaasse?
catherine: no, shut up!
jacki: fine, im so not getting you a showbag.
catherine: whats your problem??? besides I can always get Danielle to get me a showbag.
jacki: fine
catherine: fine
jacki: fine
catherine: FINE
jacki: why are you so mean to me? everyone elses sisters are so nice.
catherine: oh as if they are.
jacki: ok maybe i made that up.
catherine: URGH get AWAY from me!!
jacki: you get away from me!!! YOUR NOT THE BOSS!!!
catherine: WELL NEITHER ARE YOU!!
(start slapping each other)
catherine: hey, how much do you feel like watching Titanic right now?
jacki: ok!
THE END
total sucktown
what is with people making sequal movies which are total sucko??
like scary movie 1 was the shiz
and so was scary movie 2
and so was scary movie 3
but scary movie 4 is just so not
like they used all the same jokes as in scary movie 3, which were funny the first 32 times, but when you do them again in another movie, its just like what?
like scary movie 1 was the shiz
and so was scary movie 2
and so was scary movie 3
but scary movie 4 is just so not
like they used all the same jokes as in scary movie 3, which were funny the first 32 times, but when you do them again in another movie, its just like what?
Monday, April 17, 2006
That Time I Met...Michael Jackson
jacki: so hey michael, how are things?
michael: terrible. didnt you hear? what, you stupid? are you serious?
jacki: hey, im not the one addicted to plastic surgery here.
michael: ohmygosh, how many times?? i didnt get plastic surgery!!
jacki: oh sure. so how exactly do you explain...
michael: ive told people again and again, im allergic to the sun. isnt it obvious thats why i turned white?
jacki: um, no.
michael: well, whatever.
jacki: dont you whatever me, you crazy lady.
michael: lady?? what, you calling me lady now??? what are you on?!
jacki: hey, i dont have to answer those questions. im the interviewer here. shut up!
michael: dont tell me to shut up, you freak!
jacki: dont you call me a freak, you molesterer!
michael: molesterer???? whered you pull THAT from????
jacki: isnt it obvious?
michael: no
jacki: sigh
michael: dont sigh at me. im delicate.
jacki: so michael, how are things in CRAZY town?????
michael: what??
jacki: what??
michael: WHAT??
jacki: WHAT??
michael: so hey, wanna learn the moonwalk?
jacki: sure
THE END
michael: terrible. didnt you hear? what, you stupid? are you serious?
jacki: hey, im not the one addicted to plastic surgery here.
michael: ohmygosh, how many times?? i didnt get plastic surgery!!
jacki: oh sure. so how exactly do you explain...
michael: ive told people again and again, im allergic to the sun. isnt it obvious thats why i turned white?
jacki: um, no.
michael: well, whatever.
jacki: dont you whatever me, you crazy lady.
michael: lady?? what, you calling me lady now??? what are you on?!
jacki: hey, i dont have to answer those questions. im the interviewer here. shut up!
michael: dont tell me to shut up, you freak!
jacki: dont you call me a freak, you molesterer!
michael: molesterer???? whered you pull THAT from????
jacki: isnt it obvious?
michael: no
jacki: sigh
michael: dont sigh at me. im delicate.
jacki: so michael, how are things in CRAZY town?????
michael: what??
jacki: what??
michael: WHAT??
jacki: WHAT??
michael: so hey, wanna learn the moonwalk?
jacki: sure
THE END
that time i met...
since my original idea of a script of my meeting with Jack and Rose from Titanic was such a huge success (1 comment - best ever!!), ive decided to make it a regular feature on my blog.
look out for Shower Thoughts and That Time I Met...
look out for Shower Thoughts and That Time I Met...
seven years ago
i just found something i wrote when i was nine years old:
When I grow up, by Jacki Trew
When I grow up, I want to open a hotel, work at Westfield, go and live on Neptune for three years, grow wings, and have a million parties. Also, I want to fly in Mike's jet, get my car fixed by Fraser, and get my hair cut by Lexi. I think that all these things will be easy for me. I would also like to own an endless box of white chocolate TimTams. Sometimes I fear that I will turn out to be something I dont want to be, like a model or a bus driver. Yeah, like that will ever happen.
what, have i not aged in the past seven years??? this takes the phrase forever young to a whole new level
When I grow up, by Jacki Trew
When I grow up, I want to open a hotel, work at Westfield, go and live on Neptune for three years, grow wings, and have a million parties. Also, I want to fly in Mike's jet, get my car fixed by Fraser, and get my hair cut by Lexi. I think that all these things will be easy for me. I would also like to own an endless box of white chocolate TimTams. Sometimes I fear that I will turn out to be something I dont want to be, like a model or a bus driver. Yeah, like that will ever happen.
what, have i not aged in the past seven years??? this takes the phrase forever young to a whole new level
Sunday, April 16, 2006
i meet jack and rose from Titanic
just watched titanic
and i was thinking, was i, that if i ever met jack and rose, the conversation may go something like this:
jacki: so, hi, jack and rose
jack and rose: hi. its good to be here
jack: well, not for me. actually, because im dead. didnt you see that rose? or were you too busy saving yourself???
rose: yeah, well, i would have been able to save you if you hadnt been such a weakling and died so quickly. i mean come on the water wasnt that cold.
jack: uh, like you would know
jacki: yeah, rose, i have to ask you, do you feel bad at all about hogging the entire door to yourself?
rose: hey, it wasnt my choice, i didnt exactly push jack off.
jack: yeah, well you didnt exactly help me on either.
rose: dude, what is your problem? what did i do??? aren't you supposed to love me, or something?
jacki: well rose, you did like almost get him arrested at the beginning, then you told him he was rude, then you rejected him for that loser Cal for a bit, then you almost left him alone on the sinking ship, then there was the whole hogging-the-door thing, then you let him sink into the water, and then you went and blew that guys whistle to save yourself. i mean, you could of at least saved his frozen corpse, or something.
jack: WHAT?? you did what??? thats it, from now on, i dont want you blowing anyone elses whistles except for mine.
rose: that doesnt even make sense.
jack: shut up. and by the way, whats with the whole getting married again thing. what happened to "ill love you forever jack"????
rose: hey, you're the one who made me promise to grow old and have lots of babies. i cant exactly do that with a frozen corpse.
jack: you could at least try..i mean, i would have done it for you.
jacki: ew
rose: shut up. who even are you??? where are we?
jacki: hey, you dont get to ask those questions, bitch. this is my blog we're on.
jack: yeah, leave her alone you door-hogging skank.
rose: dont you call me a skank, you, you...THIRD CLASS BOY
jack: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME????? thats it, we are so over lady. this frozen corpse isnt yours anymore.
jacki: uh, this is so twisted. im leaving.
rose: like i wanted your frozen body anyway.. i hope you know i was just using you for the thrill.
jack: whatever. its over. wheres that molly brown chick? she was HOT!
jacki: would you both get off my blog please, you're freaking people out.
jack and rose: yeah, whatever.
jacki: im serious. ive got a gun. yeah, thats right, ive got a gun
jack and rose: fine, we're leaving.
jack: geez.
THE END!!!
and i was thinking, was i, that if i ever met jack and rose, the conversation may go something like this:
jacki: so, hi, jack and rose
jack and rose: hi. its good to be here
jack: well, not for me. actually, because im dead. didnt you see that rose? or were you too busy saving yourself???
rose: yeah, well, i would have been able to save you if you hadnt been such a weakling and died so quickly. i mean come on the water wasnt that cold.
jack: uh, like you would know
jacki: yeah, rose, i have to ask you, do you feel bad at all about hogging the entire door to yourself?
rose: hey, it wasnt my choice, i didnt exactly push jack off.
jack: yeah, well you didnt exactly help me on either.
rose: dude, what is your problem? what did i do??? aren't you supposed to love me, or something?
jacki: well rose, you did like almost get him arrested at the beginning, then you told him he was rude, then you rejected him for that loser Cal for a bit, then you almost left him alone on the sinking ship, then there was the whole hogging-the-door thing, then you let him sink into the water, and then you went and blew that guys whistle to save yourself. i mean, you could of at least saved his frozen corpse, or something.
jack: WHAT?? you did what??? thats it, from now on, i dont want you blowing anyone elses whistles except for mine.
rose: that doesnt even make sense.
jack: shut up. and by the way, whats with the whole getting married again thing. what happened to "ill love you forever jack"????
rose: hey, you're the one who made me promise to grow old and have lots of babies. i cant exactly do that with a frozen corpse.
jack: you could at least try..i mean, i would have done it for you.
jacki: ew
rose: shut up. who even are you??? where are we?
jacki: hey, you dont get to ask those questions, bitch. this is my blog we're on.
jack: yeah, leave her alone you door-hogging skank.
rose: dont you call me a skank, you, you...THIRD CLASS BOY
jack: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME????? thats it, we are so over lady. this frozen corpse isnt yours anymore.
jacki: uh, this is so twisted. im leaving.
rose: like i wanted your frozen body anyway.. i hope you know i was just using you for the thrill.
jack: whatever. its over. wheres that molly brown chick? she was HOT!
jacki: would you both get off my blog please, you're freaking people out.
jack and rose: yeah, whatever.
jacki: im serious. ive got a gun. yeah, thats right, ive got a gun
jack and rose: fine, we're leaving.
jack: geez.
THE END!!!
Friday, April 14, 2006
i was too lame to think up my own post, so i stole this from
http://chunnabee.livejournal.com
Go to Wikipedia and look up your birthday (excluding the year). List three neat facts, two births, and one death in your journal, including the year.
RESULTS
10th March
3 Facts
1) in 1876, on the 10th of march, Alexander Graham Bell made the first successful telephone call by saying "Mr Watson, come here, I want to see you"
2) in 1926, on the 10th of march, the first ever book-of-the-month-club selection was produced
3) in 1977, on the 10th of march, astronomers discovered rings around Uranus
3 Births
1) 1957, 10th of march - Osama Bin Laden was born
2) 1958, 10th of march - Sharon Stone was born
3) 1940, 10th of march - Chuck Norris was born
1 Death
1) 1913, 10th of march - Harriet Tubman dies (no idea who it is, but how hot is the name)
http://chunnabee.livejournal.com
Go to Wikipedia and look up your birthday (excluding the year). List three neat facts, two births, and one death in your journal, including the year.
RESULTS
10th March
3 Facts
1) in 1876, on the 10th of march, Alexander Graham Bell made the first successful telephone call by saying "Mr Watson, come here, I want to see you"
2) in 1926, on the 10th of march, the first ever book-of-the-month-club selection was produced
3) in 1977, on the 10th of march, astronomers discovered rings around Uranus
3 Births
1) 1957, 10th of march - Osama Bin Laden was born
2) 1958, 10th of march - Sharon Stone was born
3) 1940, 10th of march - Chuck Norris was born
1 Death
1) 1913, 10th of march - Harriet Tubman dies (no idea who it is, but how hot is the name)
Thursday, April 13, 2006
shower thoughts #3
just in the shower and i was thinking...
...wow...im in....the shower
at the same time, i was thinking
can somebodys head actually explode? and if it did, like, what would come out?
apart from a brain, and some gooey stuff
like, where does the skull go?
does it explode too, and go flying off in heaps of directions and stab people in the back of the neck?
and like, what happens to the body? does it just go slump, or does it run around flailing its legs?
i heard this one time, this chicken lived for 3 months with no head.
no joke. its amazing what you can learn off the back of an asian cereal box
...wow...im in....the shower
at the same time, i was thinking
can somebodys head actually explode? and if it did, like, what would come out?
apart from a brain, and some gooey stuff
like, where does the skull go?
does it explode too, and go flying off in heaps of directions and stab people in the back of the neck?
and like, what happens to the body? does it just go slump, or does it run around flailing its legs?
i heard this one time, this chicken lived for 3 months with no head.
no joke. its amazing what you can learn off the back of an asian cereal box
READ MY BLOG YOU WENCH!!!
what is this????
what IS this???
what is with people either
a) not reading my blog or
b) reading it at not leaving comments
JUST DO IT!! DO IT!! DOOOOOO IT
before i come and maul your faces off with a rusty chainsaw!!!
what IS this???
what is with people either
a) not reading my blog or
b) reading it at not leaving comments
JUST DO IT!! DO IT!! DOOOOOO IT
before i come and maul your faces off with a rusty chainsaw!!!
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
a crazy day to match my blog
so ok
today in modern em-shaz wasnt here AGAIN so me and beff went crazy because we crave her and i was so looking forward to seeing em-shaz after the last period before modern (which was hanus hanus economics) and so i waltzed into the classroom all happy but then she WASNT THERE so i am going to stab her when she comes back and i told mr mackay that i was going to stab her so he could remind me to do so if i forgot somehow.
then just then, in dt, when i found out em-shaz has a livejournal, so i was like OHMIGOSH i so have to go read it, so i was reading it and then mrs collins comes up behind me so i downsized the window really quickly, and shes like (poking me in the back)
"what were you looking at??" and im like
"nothing" and shes like
"yes you were! it was porn wasnt it!! get rid of the porn!!" and im like
"ohmigosh i so do not have porn!! you wish i had porn so you could look at it, dont you?"
"no i dont you silly. hey, you have nail polish on!"
"dont change the subject, this is about you wanting to look at my porn! i mean, not my porn, i dont have porn! it about you wanting to look at my non-existant porn"
"just show me what it is"
"fine. FINE. its just emmys blog so you cant get me in trouble because its a TEACHERS blog which means its EDUCATIONAL. so ha"
and so on...
today in modern em-shaz wasnt here AGAIN so me and beff went crazy because we crave her and i was so looking forward to seeing em-shaz after the last period before modern (which was hanus hanus economics) and so i waltzed into the classroom all happy but then she WASNT THERE so i am going to stab her when she comes back and i told mr mackay that i was going to stab her so he could remind me to do so if i forgot somehow.
then just then, in dt, when i found out em-shaz has a livejournal, so i was like OHMIGOSH i so have to go read it, so i was reading it and then mrs collins comes up behind me so i downsized the window really quickly, and shes like (poking me in the back)
"what were you looking at??" and im like
"nothing" and shes like
"yes you were! it was porn wasnt it!! get rid of the porn!!" and im like
"ohmigosh i so do not have porn!! you wish i had porn so you could look at it, dont you?"
"no i dont you silly. hey, you have nail polish on!"
"dont change the subject, this is about you wanting to look at my porn! i mean, not my porn, i dont have porn! it about you wanting to look at my non-existant porn"
"just show me what it is"
"fine. FINE. its just emmys blog so you cant get me in trouble because its a TEACHERS blog which means its EDUCATIONAL. so ha"
and so on...
Sunday, April 09, 2006
ode to modern
once upon a time
in a land far far away
we almost died of boredom
but modern saved the day
we always sleep in english
we all hate maths alot
i want to stab miss muffin
but modern is just hot
modern is so thrilling
im so excited i can barely sit
the stuff we learn is cool too
like the middle east and all that shit
we have the coolest teacher
shes better than the rest
shed even be the coolest
if she had a hairy chest
Em-shaz teaches us so much
we always get 90% at least
the people we learn about are so cool
theodore herzl - that sexy beast
modern is the shizdog
leaving it is really tough
we never have a bad time
coz modern's so damn puff!
in a land far far away
we almost died of boredom
but modern saved the day
we always sleep in english
we all hate maths alot
i want to stab miss muffin
but modern is just hot
modern is so thrilling
im so excited i can barely sit
the stuff we learn is cool too
like the middle east and all that shit
we have the coolest teacher
shes better than the rest
shed even be the coolest
if she had a hairy chest
Em-shaz teaches us so much
we always get 90% at least
the people we learn about are so cool
theodore herzl - that sexy beast
modern is the shizdog
leaving it is really tough
we never have a bad time
coz modern's so damn puff!
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
today when i was at the bus stop, i got attacked by a spider
AGAIN
what is it with me and spiders?? why do they hate me so much? its like they have little spider meetings at night and decide which one of them is going to attack me that day. its SO annoying. its like, hello you lame annoying spiders, can you like, go and annoy someone else right now, because its so annoying when you annoy me.
like shut up.
actually what is it with me and most eewy disgusting creepy crawlies animals which serve no purpose? like apart from all the near-death experiences ive had with spiders, there was also a cockroach at the train station on monday morning which was totally pretending to be handicapped by walking really slowly in a wobbly line, but really it was probably pretending to be missing a few legs to lure me into feeling sorry for it, so i would go and give it a cuddle, then BAM it would probably kill me.
its so crazy these days.
like you think you can trust people, or cockroaches, when they say theyre handicapped but the fact is, yeah, theyre probably just trying to kill you.
what is it with things and trying to kill me? like the cockroach, or the spiders, or mrs fletcher, or all those crazy women with prams who keep trying to run me over.
i know what your thinking. youre probably thinking "whats with this crazy blog, so crazy, so paranoid, probably no one is trying to kill this crazy girl"
well you should shut up, because you're probably going to end up dead because a falsely handicapped cockroach killed you.
AGAIN
what is it with me and spiders?? why do they hate me so much? its like they have little spider meetings at night and decide which one of them is going to attack me that day. its SO annoying. its like, hello you lame annoying spiders, can you like, go and annoy someone else right now, because its so annoying when you annoy me.
like shut up.
actually what is it with me and most eewy disgusting creepy crawlies animals which serve no purpose? like apart from all the near-death experiences ive had with spiders, there was also a cockroach at the train station on monday morning which was totally pretending to be handicapped by walking really slowly in a wobbly line, but really it was probably pretending to be missing a few legs to lure me into feeling sorry for it, so i would go and give it a cuddle, then BAM it would probably kill me.
its so crazy these days.
like you think you can trust people, or cockroaches, when they say theyre handicapped but the fact is, yeah, theyre probably just trying to kill you.
what is it with things and trying to kill me? like the cockroach, or the spiders, or mrs fletcher, or all those crazy women with prams who keep trying to run me over.
i know what your thinking. youre probably thinking "whats with this crazy blog, so crazy, so paranoid, probably no one is trying to kill this crazy girl"
well you should shut up, because you're probably going to end up dead because a falsely handicapped cockroach killed you.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
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